There is a lot of stirring in the house …
My son is taking apart his Xbox controller – he started out with confidence then I heard from my bedroom him asking google “How to take apart an Xbox controller.” Which sent me into a fit of laughter, followed by a snarky retort from the other room.
I received some chocolate from my boss today … either I’ve just been SO sweet all year, or I’ve given the impression my desires for candy can only be quelled by 5lbs of it?
In other news – I’m going to Paris to meet my best friend.
Okay – so it’s this one:
We will be lunching this week.
I’m so very excited!
It occurred to me, after we decided to meet in the lobby, that it’s a big place! And they might even have more than one lobby.
Now, (are you sitting down?) I don’t have a cell phone.
So, once I’m in transit, there will be no way to communicate. No calls from the meeting place saying “I’m in the green chair next to the Parisian table.”
Time was decided upon, place – then I suggested we google the lobby and see where to meet.
My first email after we searched:
Thought I was pretty funny – but, she topped me:
This is why we’re friends.
Maybe I could just take the candy bar with me? There’s no way she could miss me.
This is my last musing from the laundromat before Christmas. I just peeked up from my table and over a washer to see if there were any decorations … I do see a fake poinsettia poked strategically in a fake potted plant – but other than that – nope.
Halloween they had a skeleton on the bathroom door – perhaps it is a paganmat – which would be fine by me, only I don’t see any solstice decorations either. No Yule altars on the folding tables.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this is the last musing before Christmas (tangents are your gift, you’re welcome.)
I’ve decided I have the best friends on the planet.
Friday my friend Ruth brought tears to my eyes and renewed my faith that if you do the right things, and are kind – you DO receive kindness in return. The point is though, you shouldn’t expect it.
Kindness is magic. Right Derek?
It occurs to me, I really need to look into what photos I can use from the internet – but I can think of worst things than Ricky Gervais asking me to remove something.
‘Madame, kindly (the magical kind) remove the photo of me and the dog.’ Or, ‘Madame, kindly (still the magical kind) remove your clothing.’ :-O Ricky!!!
Back to expecting things.
Anyone who knows me knows I don’t expect anything. Almost to the point of channeling Eeyore. Hope from time to time? Yes. But certainly don’t expect.
Yesterday I went shopping – it wasn’t as bonkers as I was expecting. (Oh my goodness! I DO expect things.)
I didn’t cross everything off of my list, but got to say ‘Merry Christmas’ a few times and had the experience of being outside with other humans, so it was overall pretty great.
That’s another facet to this season I was missing. I was telling my friend Betty … I haven’t BEEN anywhere! One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the cheer and good nature from strangers.
It’s hard to bump into a stranger and witness cheer or good nature when I’m either in an office, driving to and from the office, or in my house (Gawd, I would HOPE I didn’t ‘bump into’ a stranger whilst driving! Or in my house. Because we know, Butters is crap at protecting me.)
Betty gave me some pretty adorable little earrings. (She knows me – she knows I only do ‘little’.)
She also gave me a ceramic gingerbread house that warms oil that Nic has adopted. That child has inherited my love of scents it seems.
He keeps absconding with candles and air freshening devices into his room.
The entire house smells of peppermint this morning courtesy of the late night fragrance kid.
Speaking of fragrances – after my shopping experience, I checked the mail.
There was a small box for me from my friend Rachel.
An entire bag of samples!!! I was over the moon. 🙂 She read my December 15th post and was sweet enough to send me more ‘little scents’ to be excited about.
(Probably I should hide them from Nic. Although – he hasn’t shown any interest in my perfumes yet … just household fragrance devices.)
So this brings me to wonder, if I blog about something – will it be sent to me?
If so – here’s what else I love.
Kindness for you.
Health and happiness for you and yours.
Wishes to come true for you.
Love for you.
And serenity and a peaceful heart – for you.
I’ll take a naked mole rat colony please and Santa, I’ve been good, may I please have my lobster?
I pray because it feels good and it feels right.
It feels right because I’m saying ‘thank you’ without a human audience, and that feels authentic.
It feels right because I’m taking a moment to reflect and ask for guidance – and not things.
It feels good because I pray for positive energy – I ask for blessings for others.
But, I am not a Christian.
I tried to be. I’ve asked ‘the’ question in the past – with an open mind and willing soul: “Jesus, please come into my heart.”
I tried because it felt like the right thing to do, but mostly because I didn’t want to go to hell.
Then I felt hypocritical asking out of fear.
I wanted so badly to believe – but not at any cost – not because I was afraid not to.
I even convinced myself to some degree that God might actually appreciate an honest heart that at least tried. Although, probably I am going to hell. If there is one.
I had to be honest with myself though. I don’t believe. I do not believe the stories in the bible happened.
And it’s not just Christianity, every religion to me, seems as if a game of ‘telephone’ (Or ‘Chinese Whispers’) has been played with it.
If there is any one and only ‘right’ religion, man has dipped his hands into it over time. As a result, I just don’t feel like what was original, authentic or intended is among the current selections.
I don’t trust man.
But I do have Faith.
I believe in a higher power. Something bigger than me. Something I’ll never understand and am not completely meant to … because wouldn’t that be counterproductive to the concept of ‘Faith’?
I do believe in the power of prayer.
I believe there is a source of good – and of love.
And for all intents and purposes, I call that God.
In two weeks it will be Christmas Day.
Although I’m not Christian, I can appreciate a day selected to celebrate the birth of a child that represented love and forgiveness. I can get behind that.
In fact, I usually adore this time of year. The extra love and kindness that the Season tends to bring from others.
The lights and the music – the joy and the hope that warms Winter.
I’m not feeling any of that this year.
I have knots in my stomach where excitement should be.
I’m looking away from lights and avoiding the holiday music.
I feel like a deadline is beating down on me that I can’t possibly meet.
I love giving.
I especially love being able to grant a wish – be able to witness a smile that reaches the eyes of someone I love.
It’s been a tough year financially.
I know I’m not the only one – but I can’t write about what other people are feeling.
I only know how I am feeling.
I know that presents aren’t ‘the reason for the season’, but I don’t want to let my son down.
I’ve always found a way.
Somehow managed to grant a material wish for the boy I would lay down and die for.
I am falling short this year.
And it hurts.
And it makes me wish Christmas wouldn’t come.
I need to pray on that.
Pray on why the need to give is so strong, that I feel ‘less than’ if I can’t do it.
Because that’s a lot different from needing to give and not wanting to do it.
I need to pray on why it upsets me so much to think I’m letting someone down when I can’t provide things they want.
Because that’s a lot different from not providing things they need.
I don’t ever want my motives to be driven by fear.
I will pray they are driven by love.
I’m quite certain they are.
It is Christmas after all, the one time of year when it’s traditional to show love by offering gifts. To indulge in a few material tokens of our affection.
Christmas Eve is my favorite day. The day before. The day when my son can barely stand the anticipation anymore. I can barely stand it either to be fair – I choose his gifts with a lot of thought and can’t wait to see him open them.
But I can wait. That day before – is when all the magic is still hanging in the air. The ‘unknown’ is still unknown. The wrapping is still holding in its secrets.
I absolutely adore having something to be excited about.
The meaning of Christmas aside – after the gifts have been opened and the boxes revealed – feels (to me anyway) like it’s all over.
I love the build up. The spirit of the approaching holiday.
Today was special too. No matter what the gifts under the tree that my son went out to buy are (one is labeled ‘to the lady who lives with me’, the other, ‘A.K.A. my mom’) I feel like I already had my big gift today.
It was a busy day – after my Sunday morning job, we came home and collected laundry to do at my moms, then took Nic’s friend home. Lots of driving – lots of ‘busy’.
Came home and lay on the couch enjoying a burger we salvated over every time we saw it on a mouth-watering commercial.
Ice Age 2 was on … it was just Nic and I.
After he ate, he indicated he wanted a spot next to me on the couch.
We curled up together and watched the animated flick. Wasn’t long before he was asleep – my arms around him.
You know that sound pets make when they’re falling asleep and totally comfortable? That content exhale?
He made that little noise. A sigh. And my heart filled.
I daren’t move – even when my arm fell asleep.
For that moment – I had my ‘little boy’ back. If only for a snippet of time.
That is all I needed for Christmas.
Because really it’s about telling people we love them, spending time with family and a rare Season when strangers are nicer to each other.
I had my moment. And tomorrow – I’ll be baking and looking forward to Santa filling Nic’s stocking and arranging the base of the tree. 😉
So very blessed. So very grateful. And as my son continues to sleep on the couch, I glance over at my boy who is becoming a man and so thankful for that contented sigh while he was in my arms.
The end of the world is right around the corner – and when that doesn’t happen, early next year your birthday will officially dub you ‘an adult’. So tecnically, Mayan calendars aside, the end of the world as I know it is drawing to a close.
I miss you already.
No, you’re not going to be booted out at 18, but a chapter will be closed on this amazing story of ours, and a new one in your story begins.
I feel compelled to share with you, and the world, how I feel – before your last magical ‘childhood’ Christmas. There will be more of course, and they’ll be magical, but the teen years are slipping away and so is my undivided time with you.
Let me start with, I am so very glad you were born. I have never for one moment regretted a second that you have been in my life. Raising you alone only served to strengthen our relationship and build a bond that is unbreakable.
As cliché as it sounds, it’s so true. I did not realize I was capable of loving someone as much as I have always loved you. I remember ‘accidentally’ bumping into your crib when you were a baby so that you would wake up and I could hold you – look into your eyes. (That’s why I let you sleep late now lol).
You were my beautiful tow-headed baby boy.
No one has been able to make me laugh the way you do. We still laugh! You are 17 years old and we still laugh together.
Do you realize how blessed that makes me feel? There are kids who don’t even talk to their parents! How lucky am I?
When you are happy, all is right with the world. I am peaceful when you are content.
When you are hurting, I am lost. Wishing I could do more – wishing I could soothe the pain – wishing I could fast forward through your lessons and press play straight into serenity.
The times you’ve said to me, “See, I do listen” after quoting something I’ve said, honestly does surprise me.
Oh Nic, I hope I’ve said the right things!
I hope you’ve heard that it’s never too late to change – to make things right. To always do the right thing, even when it’s not easy. (Especially when it’s not easy!)
I hope you have heard me say not to judge people. But, we do judge, so don’t judge without information. And, if you find someone lacking, I hope your heart wants to reach out and fill the empty spaces.
When someone hurts you, I hope you’ve heard me when I have said it’s because somehow, they are hurting.
Contrary to our joke that I ‘never get mad’, I do. I hope you have heard me apologize. Mend what’s wrong and let go. Mad doesn’t feel good. Okay, maybe for that split pity party second, but not for long.
I hope you find contentment Nicholas. That one day you’ll know what ‘enough’ means and treasure it.
You have such a loving soul – don’t hide it. You already march to the beat of your own drum – I hope one day you dance to it.
You’re smart and creative, funny and kind. You’re the brightest light in my world.
I’m so honored Nic, to even know you. Grateful to have had the opportunity to love you. And blessed beyond measure to get to call myself your ‘mom’.
I’m Nic’s mom! That fact hits me out of the blue from time to time and fills my heart with joy.
And I want you to know, I never for one second ever doubted that you love me back.