Category Archives: Humor
It’s been a while – I know!
I don’t know whether to blame my lack of posts on the absence of a laundromat, or just be honest and say I haven’t been doing much of anything I used to do .
I have had a pretty eventful few days however, and thought I would share them with you.
I had tried to call in Tuesday morning due to a flipping sinus infection I’ve had for over a month. My boss didn’t get my message until it was after the cut off time for me getting to work on time, so the martyr I am, I drug my arse in.
Turns out my arse was tuckered out after an hour and I had permission to take it home.
I reached a spot where there is a final gas station before coming to my town, and there, on the corner of said station was a woman holding a blue gas can with her thumb out.
I ALMOST stopped – having recently encountered being stuck on the side of that very same road not so long ago, but – I’ve seen too many movies and just knew she had an accomplice lurking.
I passed her, then felt awful.
I vowed if I saw a car on the side of the road (no matter which side) I would go back and collect her.
Not. One. Car.
Which, in and of itself is strange because there’s almost always at LEAST one car showing off it’s hazard lights or exposed engine.
This made me curious and yes, I shared it on my Facebook page.
I was then informed by those ‘in the know’ that the lady hitcher was in fact a hooker.
Hey, I have nothing against hookers personally, but felt like an idiot. And, what if I HAD pulled over? Then what? Would she have come clean? Or got in? I will never know.
Alright, so yesterday, I DID stay home. I slept harder than I can last remember sleeping. (If you are comparing that sleep to other times I did while only utilizing one quarter of one nostril to breathe through.)
Between almost drowning from my own condition or suffocating, I did manage to get quite a bit of rest actually and I was super thirsty due to a lot of mouth breathing. I got up late afternoon craving ice cold iced tea. I had no iced tea. I was to venture out of my infirmary and GET some dang iced tea.
So I did.
Now, stick with me here.
I’ve explained before how dangerous our local highway is. I am very cautious! I get to the gas station just fine, select some tea and prepare to go home to rest some more.
I pulled out into the median turn lane and to my right, both lanes, lots of cars were coming. So I wait.
The ATV next to me however, decided they didn’t want to wait. Oh, and first of all, not sure why he was NEXT to me. Although, I was pulled over pretty tight to the left to execute my turn.
Regardless, back to the ATV.
The driver gunned it!
And as he arrived (barely) safely on the other side of the highway I realized that the ATV was minus a dog.
Here is the actual road (not during the actual moment obviously) – with very professional exhibit markers for you.
There was still throngs of traffic coming and a very stunned looking dog. Beautiful older collie with a worn bandana.
What to do?
GET THE DOG!
I got out of my car, slowly (as slowly as one can while an animal is in danger of being hit) I approached the pupper and grabbed onto it’s collar.
Across the highway I could hear the passenger, who, evidently was the owner, cursing out the driver in a very big way.
He couldn’t cross to me but he did entertain me as I heard sentences like: “You stupid fucking asshole!” and “What a stupid idiot!”
I just nodded in agreement and asked the dog if it was okay.
It didn’t answer – just panted and sat looking at me a little stunned.
Finally the owner was able to come to the middle and thanked me and that’s when the gravity of the situation sort of kicked in.
I remember getting into my car. I remember shaking uncontrollably and I remember making the turn then realizing I didn’t have my seat belt on.
I made it home safely.
I always like to think I’d react a certain way in different situations – but always suspected I might freeze due to my anxiety.
I was happy I hadn’t frozen. Because I never could have erased the image of that sweet dog being hit by a car on that highway.
Just as I’ll never be able to look at a blue gas can now without thinking of a hooker.
It would have been so easy to stay in bed today. No obligations. No husband. No motivation.
Yet, YET! I got up and did so very much.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
So, today, I went against my best instinct, which was to stay in bed, watch Netflix and snack.
I forced myself out of the house for some things we needed from Home Depot and provisions.
The provisions thing didn’t go too well and pretty sure I’m headed back into town tomorrow.
In fact, the provisions excursion was terrifying!
I was looking for the prepped salad and a few other things. I found myself like a deer in headlights. That huge cart, navigating it – a few times, I was behind someone and they apologized. I told them, “I don’t know where I’m going, there is no rush.”
I literally left with two things. TWO! Noodles and chicken sandwiches.
I AM proud I left the house though.
When I returned, I had a plan.
Not such a great plan. lol
But, I did work on the garden, the house (OH! That’s where Home Depot comes in. I replaced god awful eggplant fixtures in the bathroom with lovely ones.)
My ultimate moment though …
Here are my babies.
The one to the very right was the experimental plant It’s in it’s new spot, Can’t imagine what’s in the flourishing ones!
My little potato next to a penny.
Should I bake it? A thimble full of sour cream and cheese? lol
My onions are doing well also … plus a fun(gi) friend. 😉
Looks like a little alien with it’s hands on it’s face thinking, “Oh, no!” (To me)
Time to milk the last of my time in the garden and contemplate whether or not to renew that Sam’s Club membership.
Hope everyone is having a productive weekend – better yet, I hope you’re not, there is nothing wrong with self care! So if you’re not glove deep in a potato bag, open up a bottle of something and just enjoy your view.
Okay! Well, this is a turn. WordPress went and changed on me. Has it really been that long since I posted? I am faced with a screen (literally) telling me they welcome me to the ‘wonderful world of blocks!’ WTF? Alright, I’ll bite. We’ll try this. (I didn’t read the directions – and evidently, ‘see next tip’ might be part of a direction. I have not clicked on it.) I’ll pout for about a minute, then click it.
Evidently the tip was ‘Add title’. Wasn’t it just easier before when I had that at the top?
This whole blog is going a different direction. LOL!
Want to share my past week with y’all, as we never say in rural desert land.
Damn. There are more plus signs on this version than any of my school tests. I’m giggling. This thing is writing itself.
Okay, pressed enter and we seem safe enough to begin what I intended to write.
Oh, no. ‘start writing or type/to choose a block.
What is a block?????
Shall I try it?
Okay, so, a ‘block’ is either another paragraph, media or … a bunch of other stuff.
I truly had this down, didn’t need remedial directions. But, thanks I guess?
Let’s being shall we?
That, my friends, was a block. I’m literally laughing out loud now. Sorry, I can’t get over this. When did this happen??????????????????????? Why was it needed?
I wanted to chat about my rural adventures. And, I shall.
So, last weekend, my brother-in-law was in town visiting.
Here’s us. Me, “look guys! It’s our last name!” Them: We shall look off into the distance and be majestic.
Truth be told, my long underwear was pink and I looked like a hermit crab without a shell. Have you ever seen that?? I have. My son used to have some and anytime they shed their shell, they wouldn’t make it into the plethora of ‘new choices’ and end up all crabby and shriveled and pinkish – kinda like a toe that had been in the bath too long and, yeah. Then, they died. I survived obviously, but did change this pic to black and white. Because, ew, shriveled hermit crab legs.
Let’s get back to rural living eh?
My guy went shopping and brought home some new plants.
Butters checked them out, approved and moved along.
Then came the day I lost any kind of ‘girly’ I had remaining on my hands. We gardened.
Wait! FIRST! I had cleaned the kitchen and cleaned. Let’s talk about this ‘life hack’. Fabric softener sheets on grease.
I took the oven top completely apart. Then soaked the um, thingies, in the sheets.
Worked fine for the ones that had seen less combat. But, after pouring boiling water on the other ones, still had remnants, so, I’m giving that experiment a 5 out of 10. Oh, and about the boiling, yes, I had to be creative because, after all, my stove was in fact ‘apart’.
But! Here’s a very clean oven and some quiches I made.
Plus, a Mexican lasagna.
So, I was Ms. Clean and cook. THEN the plants needed attention.
I know how to plant a tree. And, easy peel navel orange tree needed introducing into our world.
I wanted to do it – after successful trees at my other home, but, my guy is a go-getter and my non-girly hands had already suffered many blows. Go ahead.
Prior to all of this – you’re probably not going to be able to sleep wondering how my phalanges lost their decorative claws. So, here are the planters that were meticulously made by (not me.)
I added the flowers. I’m nothing if not a team player. (insert squinting laughing emoji here).
We also (he) planted more potatoes.
And we added to our seedlings.
I’d like to share now, after (unsuccessfully searc;hing for the spell check feature) that you can flip back and forth from ‘Block’ to ‘Document’. So – there’s a thing I learned.
In between writing this thrilling post, I bathed Butters. Which, brings me to my next set of pics.
I am trying to get her out and about more. Because I hadn’t already done enough yesterday, I decided to hike with her into what we call ‘the square’.
She did very good at ‘wait’. (Mostly when she was navigating areas like a freaking mountain goat, and I was trying not to lose my balance/teeth/in tact bones.)
Okay! Let’s go!
Very deep hoof imprints! Must have been muddy when that happened.
Always something captures my attention – this was hard to take with Butters excited about moving on.
A moment of “Wait!”. (This was before I fell on my arse because she was mountain goating.)
Another pretty spot – still don’t know how I managed this shot either. I think she was being very good at “Wait!”
It was only after getting home and reviewing pictures that I found this amusing and was a tad confused. I think it’s a feather? But, by happenstance, looks like – well, um, anything you can conjure up lol!
She handled it regardless.
I let her lead the way – and she was sure to mark plenty of territory. Hopefully won’t be long before she can be off leash, at least there. But, with coyotes, steer, burros and snakes – not sure I want her to have that much freedom.
She’s definitely living her ‘best life’ out here though.
Not living on a ‘block’ anymore.
(See how I tied that in? Brilliant.)
Oh Clem. I’m still mourning him.
I originally created him with only a little mouth and two little rock eyes.
My husband insisted he at least have arms.
Here he was at his best – happy! I mean, after all, it was his birthday! (Snowday?)
I woke this morning with trepidation, was Clem still around???
He was, but, the weight of the snow had laden his arms, and he looked a lot less happy.
Clem had seen some shit.
I arrive home tonight and … Rest in Pieces dear Clem.
All joking aside (and, I’m really not joking about the loss of my inanimate snowman, you know me by now) is that this snowfall was bonkers.
It all started on Wednesday when snow (Blizzard) was expected.
You all know also by now that I have a fear of my drive and beating the storm was top priority for me and arriving home beforehand.
I received messages from my (should have been a meteorologist) husband, predicting (once again true) the weather.
I left work early.
Woke the next day in the dark, and peered out the window – and … WOW! Yes! A snow day!
Texted my bosses, who already had a heads-up. Nope, to the nopety nope, I would not be navigating ‘the pass’.
My first photos sucked. But, then daylight arrived and I went for a little walk. I realize I sound like Darth Vader (it was SO very cold), but also please listen for the crunching of snow, because, that’s what I had forgotten the sound of!!!! Fresh snow, fresh footprints – complete and utter white out!!!
I felt like a kid!
A SNOW DAY!
Butters enjoyed it too – she was frisky. (This, the dog who would not go outside in the rain a couple years ago to pee. (Thank Gawd that’s changed.)
So it was on! Bring it!
Hubby was home, fire was stoked and Butters happy.
Here’s some more pics of the rare day.
OH! SO glad I planted when I did. (Insert sarcasm here) But, it was a beautiful day.
I say that, but honestly, after a walk and many photos – it was just very white, wet and repetitive and I couldn’t stop thinking about how behind I was at work.
I went in early today – and navigated ice and ‘previous tire tracks’ (which is a thing) and totally appreciated the beauty of our area. The mountains were majestic – and I would love to show you them, but, I kept two hands on the wheel!
When it’s in the 120’s I’ll look back on this post and appreciate how cold my fingers were whilst scraping my car’s windshield. I’ll appreciate putting a jacket on – and I’ll look back on this beauty in awe!
Just to tie things up in a bow for those of you who didn’t notice – the enlightened versions went in the same direction (Notice the karma scarf and her outfit).
He has the ‘Karma Scarf’ on and she has her enlightened ‘I had a drink thrown on me’ outfit on.
The other two versions of her are passing her by going backwards out of the tunnel, whilst, they are going in. Together.