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Dear Nicholas,

The end of the world is right around the corner – and when that doesn’t happen, early next year your birthday will officially dub you ‘an adult’. So tecnically, Mayan calendars aside, the end of the world as I know it is drawing to a close.  

I miss you already. 

No, you’re not going to be booted out at 18, but a chapter will be closed on this amazing story of ours, and a new one in your story begins.

I feel compelled to share with you, and the world, how I feel – before your last magical ‘childhood’ Christmas.  There will be more of course, and they’ll be magical, but the teen years are slipping away and so is my undivided time with you.

Nic driving kid

nic driving teen

Let me start with, I am so very glad you were born.  I have never for one moment regretted a second that you have been in my life.  Raising you alone only served to strengthen our relationship and build a bond that is unbreakable.

As cliché as it sounds, it’s so true.  I did not realize I was capable of loving someone as much as I have always loved you.  I remember ‘accidentally’ bumping into your crib when you were a baby so that you would wake up and I could hold you – look into your eyes.  (That’s why I let you sleep late now lol).

You were my beautiful tow-headed baby boy.

No one has been able to make me laugh the way you do.  We still laugh!  You are 17 years old and we still laugh together.

Do you realize how blessed that makes me feel?  There are kids who don’t even talk to their parents!  How lucky am I?

When you are happy, all is right with the world.  I am peaceful when you are content.

When you are hurting, I am lost.  Wishing I could do more – wishing I could soothe the pain – wishing I could fast forward through your lessons and press play straight into serenity.

The times you’ve said to me, “See, I do listen” after quoting something I’ve said, honestly does surprise me. 

Oh Nic, I hope I’ve said the right things!

nic black and white

I hope you’ve heard that it’s never too late to change – to make things right.  To always do the right thing, even when it’s not easy.  (Especially when it’s not easy!)

I hope you have heard me say not to judge people.  But, we do judge, so don’t judge without information.  And, if you find someone lacking, I hope your heart wants to reach out and fill the empty spaces.

When someone hurts you, I hope you’ve heard me when I have said it’s because somehow, they are hurting.

Contrary to our joke that I ‘never get mad’, I do.  I hope you have heard me apologize.  Mend what’s wrong and let go.  Mad doesn’t feel good.  Okay, maybe for that split pity party second, but not for long.

I hope you find contentment Nicholas.  That one day you’ll know what ‘enough’ means and treasure it.

You have such a loving soul – don’t hide it.  You already march to the beat of your own drum – I hope one day you dance to it.

You’re smart and creative, funny and kind.  You’re the brightest light in my world.

I’m so honored Nic, to even know you.  Grateful to have had the opportunity to love you.  And blessed beyond measure to get to call myself your ‘mom’. 

I’m Nic’s mom!  That fact hits me out of the blue from time to time and fills my heart with joy.

And I want you to know, I never for one second ever doubted that you love me back.

Don’t dream it’s over

I don’t consider myself an alarmist, but I have noticed the calendar a little more lately. 

December 21st is rapidly approaching and after the asteroid a couple of days ago I do have an eery underlying nervousness. 

Peeling back an advent calendar door seems a little morbid with that date looming.

I feel like we should have the day off or something, just in case.  I’d like to be home with Nic if it’s to be.

I googled yesterday and NASA assures us, they don’t cotton to the end of the world theory. 

I hope our time isn’t up. 

I love this place.  There is so much beauty in the world.  So much love. 

But if it is the end – I’ll brace myself and stare at it, whatever ‘it’ is, head on.

I’ll get ready to tell God ‘thank you’ for letting me come to the Earth for a while. 

Good thing I tell him every night, because none of us really know when our  own personal December 21st is coming.