Just dive in shall I?
It hasn’t been that long ago that I didn’t think my life was worth much.
Funny isn’t it? How I can post fun exploits here and still feel that way? How I can share with you, but, I’ve stopped sharing with those close to me after hearing ‘just get over it’ or a version of that too many times.
I’ve been suffering from such extreme anxiety and depression that even getting ‘home’ was a hit or miss. Luckily, I didn’t hit anyone.
Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t feel my hands. Couldn’t see. Put my windshield wipers on just to adjust my eyes. Focus! Breathe!
As for the ‘ with ‘home’ – no, I’m still not settled.
It’s not my space. It’s OUR space. And while sharing one seems quite romantic, it’s a constant compromise where before I had no need for such a thing.
I have always been able to be alone and not feel lonely – and truth be told, there are days I feel lonely living with someone.
There’s also the matter of being so far from places. I have my Rapunzel moments. And I have times I don’t know what to do or where to be.
Anyway, these past months have been tough. Well, let’s be honest, past few years have.
Couldn’t wake up without my heart pounding therefore disallowing a shower.
Couldn’t lay down because ‘horizontal’ was not an option.
It hasn’t been that long ago that I thought – “What else is there? I just want to be done.”
I absolutely thought about how I’d do it.
After all, I’m well traveled, ‘been there done that’. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve experienced the most amazing of things and the worst.
Besides, ‘no one will miss me’. (Untrue, I know.)
Now I’m entering a time of my life that I’m not completely pleased with. Losing others I love.
Losing control over my own health – well, to be fair, I could have more control but I’m also in that delusional phase of, “But, it’s MY turn now!” Fuck the warnings! Why on earth would I want to miss out on anything – I could die tomorrow!
Sought out a counselor, only to discover this psychologist was a once only, prescribe drugs type of guy.
Too bad, because I liked him.
I didn’t like his two drug decision. I have been on anti-depressants before, and I hate that feeling of … ‘other’. Outside of self. No highs, no lows, just – zombie.
I reached out to his office and explained I would find another way.
My general doctor told me, “You seem very smart, but, you can’t ‘smart’ your way out of this.”
Oh, yes I can.
I watched (binged) Ricky Gervais’ After Life yesterday,
There was a quote about religion, or, rather, the lack thereof.
He responded with (and yes, I’m paraphrasing), okay, so would you stop watching a movie knowing there was an end and nothing after that even if you were enjoying the movie?
It resonated with me.
It gave me pause for thought.
I want to finish the movie.
I am someone who has ‘good’. Also, always looking for it. I can offer something to the world even with my glitches.
I can be feeling my lowest and still find beauty in something. Even at my worst, I still notice special things around me and have the wherewithal to appreciate them!
Although I’m not going to spoil any details of Season 2 for those of you who have not yet had your Netflix marathon, now would be the time for this:
I watched Season 1 unable to move from my perfect vantage point of Broad Hill. (Not to be confused with Broadmoor. I grew up listening to that test siren in England – you did not want to be outside if those residents should happen to take themselves on an outing.)
I was beyond excited for Season 2 of Derek.
I was in love with all the characters and missed them!
I had never seen anything quite like Derek – which did not fail to make me laugh AND cry in each and every well written episode.
(And yes, you shall need a box of tissues for Season 2 – I can tell you that.)
I became so smitten with the show that I then launched into a marathon of “An Idiot Abroad” to tide me over.
Then the big day arrived.
May 30th, 2014.
All of Season 2 available on Netflix.
I got comfy on the couch, as did my son who I managed to get hooked during the first marathon.
And was in stitches after the spider incident. (Alright, so that’s a tiny spoiler – or, actually, not so tiny *shudder*.)
What then happened as the first episode progressed, was me experiencing a desperate need to love Season 2 so very much that I kept smiling even while my mind was thinking, ‘Okay, what is going on here?’
What was wrong with Dougie’s wig?? Why the almost immediate exit? Where was my closure???? (Ok, another spoiler – but that’s the last one I promise – and it’s not a big secret.)
I had to google. WHY oh why was my Karl Pilkington abruptly and unceremoniously abandoning Broad Hill???
I found this quote by Mr. Gervais.
If you saw him in the first series, [he was] sweating [with nerves],” Gervais explained. “He couldn’t really act with other people, ‘cos he was so nervous. I honestly didn’t know whether to hug him or put him down!”
Ok. I’d heard that before.
But, there couldn’t have been a real goodbye?
Dougie went through a lot more crap in Season 1 that should have had him running for the hills.
Then this information:
Though Pilkington only shot two days on Derek series two, Gervais argued that the character of Dougie “wasn’t really integral” to the show.
Not integral to the show???
Dougie was the moral compass of that show as far as this fan is concerned!
Yes, of course there’s Hannah, but as one of the ‘in crowd’ Dougie was the balance!
He said what we couldn’t. Rolled eyes we couldn’t at the likes of Kev or some idiot insensitive resident relative or Council member.
And most importantly, he tempered Kev and Derek!
Which brings me to Kev. I happen to love him too – but while Derek the show got darker, Kev’s antics in Season 2 went beyond the pale.
Except for a tender moment in a tie – his character was just … sad. Sad and as usual, very horny.
Over the top.
And this is the opinion of a girl who couldn’t wait for the next installment of Kev’s Christmas Crackers videos on Youtube!
Here’s an example.
So you see – I’m not a prude.
I googled again – to see if there was anything more on Karl’s departure.
Well Karl, you not only got away with it – you made the character your own.
And for the record, ‘putting’ yourself in a situation and getting wound up by it’ is actually acting.
There are plenty of A listers that can’t do an Irish accent – or an English one *cough* Kevin Costner, Drew Barrymore *cough*
And you’re lucky you can remember that s***.
And we were lucky you could too.
And we miss you.
We’ll end on a high note shall we?
If you are EVER feeling down – watch this. Watch it over, and over, and over.
Ricky’s laugh is so very contagious … and peeking behind the curtains of Season 1 is oh so satisfying.
I truly hope there will be a Season 3 – and if so – PLEASE please please may Dougie be in charge of those curtains again????
This is my last musing from the laundromat before Christmas. I just peeked up from my table and over a washer to see if there were any decorations … I do see a fake poinsettia poked strategically in a fake potted plant – but other than that – nope.
Halloween they had a skeleton on the bathroom door – perhaps it is a paganmat – which would be fine by me, only I don’t see any solstice decorations either. No Yule altars on the folding tables.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, this is the last musing before Christmas (tangents are your gift, you’re welcome.)
I’ve decided I have the best friends on the planet.
Friday my friend Ruth brought tears to my eyes and renewed my faith that if you do the right things, and are kind – you DO receive kindness in return. The point is though, you shouldn’t expect it.
Kindness is magic. Right Derek?
It occurs to me, I really need to look into what photos I can use from the internet – but I can think of worst things than Ricky Gervais asking me to remove something.
‘Madame, kindly (the magical kind) remove the photo of me and the dog.’ Or, ‘Madame, kindly (still the magical kind) remove your clothing.’ :-O Ricky!!!
Back to expecting things.
Anyone who knows me knows I don’t expect anything. Almost to the point of channeling Eeyore. Hope from time to time? Yes. But certainly don’t expect.
Yesterday I went shopping – it wasn’t as bonkers as I was expecting. (Oh my goodness! I DO expect things.)
I didn’t cross everything off of my list, but got to say ‘Merry Christmas’ a few times and had the experience of being outside with other humans, so it was overall pretty great.
That’s another facet to this season I was missing. I was telling my friend Betty … I haven’t BEEN anywhere! One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the cheer and good nature from strangers.
It’s hard to bump into a stranger and witness cheer or good nature when I’m either in an office, driving to and from the office, or in my house (Gawd, I would HOPE I didn’t ‘bump into’ a stranger whilst driving! Or in my house. Because we know, Butters is crap at protecting me.)
Betty gave me some pretty adorable little earrings. (She knows me – she knows I only do ‘little’.)
She also gave me a ceramic gingerbread house that warms oil that Nic has adopted. That child has inherited my love of scents it seems.
He keeps absconding with candles and air freshening devices into his room.
The entire house smells of peppermint this morning courtesy of the late night fragrance kid.
Speaking of fragrances – after my shopping experience, I checked the mail.
There was a small box for me from my friend Rachel.
An entire bag of samples!!! I was over the moon. 🙂 She read my December 15th post and was sweet enough to send me more ‘little scents’ to be excited about.
(Probably I should hide them from Nic. Although – he hasn’t shown any interest in my perfumes yet … just household fragrance devices.)
So this brings me to wonder, if I blog about something – will it be sent to me?
If so – here’s what else I love.
Kindness for you.
Health and happiness for you and yours.
Wishes to come true for you.
Love for you.
And serenity and a peaceful heart – for you.
I’ll take a naked mole rat colony please and Santa, I’ve been good, may I please have my lobster?