I tread lightly with this post. Like a teen on a floor full of squeaky floor boards late at night.
It has come to pass.
Someone with no military experience is to be Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy.
Someone with no political experience holding office is to be Head of State and Head of Government of the United States.
I shudder because someone who has problems editing himself and can’t help but display his racism and misogyny is to communicate with other world leaders.
I was advised by a friend of many, many years that I have no right to ‘complain’ because I didn’t vote. That I should become a citizen and do so, THEN I could complain.
I rebutted with the fact that I am here legally and have paid taxes (beginning at 14).
I reminded her that I have a son who is a citizen and worry for his future.
I also mentioned that throughout this entire campaign, I didn’t once comment on her obvious support of a candidate I abhorred.
And let’s face it, if ever there were a time I’d want to become a citizen, it certainly wouldn’t be now.
Besides, now I’m over my fear of flying – perhaps I’ll enjoy a deportation? Would be nice to see my family and friends in England again.
But, in all seriousness:
He plans to dismantle the Affordable Care Act (which, I JUST signed up for!) which will effectively increase the premiums out of working class reach.
He plans to change the tax brackets (removing the largest one & increasing the lowest) which will only serve to add to our National Debt.
God only knows what his other plans are – we didn’t hear much about them during his campaign. (I mean, other than the notorious ‘wall’)
But you can be sure that Pence and the Koch brothers have quite an outline for him.
And that is all I will say.
I hope I’m wrong. I truly do.
Sadly, regardless of any success he may achieve in ‘making America great again’ – the person doing it is still someone who has zero respect for women. Someone who bullies, spews hate and lies. Someone who does not apologize or accept responsibility for past indiscretions.
Someone who does not tread lightly.
“What doesn’t kill you makes me stronger” I said, after loading myself like an unwilling donkey with 5 bags of food and hygiene products, a large bag of dog food under my arm and my purse.
“You chose those things to carry and then complain about carrying them”
So much truth to that.
I do that.
Burden. Then get so wound up that I complain.
I see it now, I honestly didn’t before.
Dishes in the sink: “Do them! They don’t need soaking!”
End up doing them.
And it’s not because he won’t, because he has. I have this OCD thing and my kid has had to live with all my idiosyncrasies and not only survived them, but thrived!
My son is the funniest person I know. Has the best taste in music. Has the most amazing things to say that blow my mind away …. And I had nothing to do with that.
I had the most amazing pregnancy with him. No morning sickness, skin glowed, hair and nails flourished. Couldn’t wait to ‘meet’ him. Honestly, after he was born, I missed carrying him.
But, he was here! And I bumped into his crib ‘accidentally’ so he’d wake up and I could hold him.
And I never stopped. Never stopped adoring him.
Anyway, this ones for you and thank you.
It’s a beautiful morning.
I showered, tended to my dog and less than half an hour I sit at my laundromat table with almost dry hair. Got to love the desert – nature’s hair dryer.
OK, sometimes I love the desert.
But there are many other times that I feel too far away from something or someone.
(Side note: I’ve yet to tell the laundry lady that I’ve stopped drinking coffee, and after her smile and our little chat she put on a pot for me.
How do I tell her I don’t want it when she only makes it for me?
I don’t. I will be having a cup. Because it makes her feel good to make it for me.)
My head has been in the clouds for the past week or so. It’s been hard to focus on the things I used to focus on.
Which, is a good thing, because left to my own devices and imagination, I’m usually not walking down quaint pathways, but dead-end alleys in my head.
Negative ‘what if’s’ have been brightened to hopeful ones.
I’m looking forward instead of backward and that is also a good thing, because I’m not the most graceful of creatures and tend to trip up when I’m not focused on today or tomorrow, but rather, yesterday.
“Do you think it’s because we’re older? That we know what we want sooner?”
“Yes. We already know what works and what doesn’t in our lives. We’re more confident and have experiences to draw upon.”
A conversation I had with someone I love.
And now I sit, sipping the coffee I’ve given up, and one of my favorite songs, Killer Queen, plays in the background on the radio.
And there is a faint smile on my lips as I type.
And there is a calmness in my heart.
And there is much on my mind – but I’ll keep that to myself – for now.
I had it all planned out.
My post was to be about ‘hope’. About how that’s how I’m feeling, hopeful.
Then I thought … Much as I used to use ‘anxious’ incorrectly (as a positive, i.e.: “I’m anxious about the party!” Thinking it meant a nervous excitement) I should probably look up ‘Hope.’
This is how I used to feel about it.
Then I read this:
I like the intransitive verb, but when I got to ‘expectation’ I faltered in my wanting to use ‘hope’ to define my current feeling. I ‘expect’ nothing. Nothing.
I also don’t wish to ‘obtain’ unless it’s good traits or good deeds. I DO cherish things – but not desires. I know the difference between ‘wanting’ and ‘needing’. I mean, we could dictionary the hell out of this word, but the bottom line, ‘hope’ lost it’s luster with me. So I was done there.
I sat, I pondered, I considered and then I looked up and took this photo instead. It’s a painting I did a few years ago and I love it so much. No, it’s not gallery worthy, lol, but it made me so … Happy!!!
And so, when I noticed the bird cage that hangs in my bedroom reflecting in the frame – I was then ecstatic!
By now, if you’re a follower, you know my affections for inanimate objects run a tad on the OCD side – so the cage door is ALWAYS left open.
I asked myself, how does this painting make you feel?
And I came up with … ‘Positive.’ Not in the ‘sure’ kind of way. Let’s go back to Merriam Webster shall we? (Yeah, we’re goin’ there.)
Yes! I want to feel ‘good’ I want to feel ‘useful’ I want to see good qualities in everyone. And I usually do. So, despite people who have called me pessimistic, nah, I’m not. I’m a realist. Who was almost homeless, who was almost dead – who has been through things I haven’t shared with the closest to me.
But today – I feel POSITIVE!
And I’m going to grab that, and keep that, and hold it tight.
Like a photo I never got to take, but know I saw.
THAT is how I see happy, and positive.
I can’t prove it to you, yet. But, in 2016 my words will convince you I have.
I am ultra sensitive to scents. Smells. Fragrances. They mean SO much to me. They either bring back fond memories, or alert me to danger.
Tonight – I lit, again, the Parma Violets candle my mum bought me whilst in England. I only lit it the first time because I was reminded of Erma Bombeck (Remember her? Great writer.)
What I never forgot that she said was this: “I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.”
I’m trying to live like that.
I’ve been going through a scary time lately – and not just the loss of a love. I caved and went to a doctor (in lieu of MY doctor who is on vacation and good for him! NO sarcasm intended at all!)
There was a good reason I may (and still might) have a blood clot in my leg. And I was (still am) scared.
Alas! (As she puts her hand to her forehead and appears as a damsel in distress) I can’t afford the %&^ing ultra sound I need to rule it out!
(Swearing now swipes the damsel in distress image out no?)
I lit that candle. Knowing – enjoy what you have. Don’t save it!!!!!
Then I got to thinking about ‘smells’. How important they are to me.
My Nannie was recently in the hospital – she’s 92. My memories of her are tied into her greenhouse. The smell of wood – and soil – and tomato plants.
Then I got to thinking about Jim (of course) and he never wore cologne. He was natural. BUT! Had a scent. And I’m loathing having to wash my bedding this weekend. I feel like it’s the final ‘Goodbye’. I made sure to spray everything I use on a t-shirt for him to have – and all I have is – what still is.
Yeah, I went from that guy – (who, now I look back on, was already depressed to be where he was) to that pillow that seriously needs a washing.
Sorry – tangent. I fucking miss him. I do. But I’m also not going to lie – I love … what do I love? Having a home I don’t feel like I’m a guest in. And he didn’t make me feel that way – I played host for too long.
I couldn’t afford to make that ‘visit’ fun anymore.
So – VIOLET
I still completely SNIFF L’Oreal lipstick – to ME, it smells like violet.
I think I’ve only bought two – because they’re expensive and I can’t justify the cost. But, my GOD! They smell Freaking amazing.
Plus, I’m not a ‘make up’ chick.
ANYWAY! Butters is feeling a loss – and I’ve positioned things in my bathroom (lol) so, when I’m squatted, I see what I love. My son – and my love.
When will his pic come down? That’s up to him.
Bottom line here is – I’m still healing.
And I am sitting here smelling violet and I am calm.
But – I miss my guy. And I’m so glad we grabbed the chance – and I’m so glad I lit the candle. Life is … I want to say ‘short’ but I’m reminded by George Carlin – it’s the longest thing we’re going to do – so why say that? lol.