Musings from the Laundromat: Birthdays and Awnings edition

Laundry Lady:  I don’t know what I’m going to do after work.

Me: Oh? Why?

Laundry Lady: It’s my birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday!!!  I wish you had told me last week.

And I do.  I would have brought her a card and flowers.  She’s just so sweet that I still might have to.  I can run by the shop after laundry and come back.

Laundry Lady: Well …

And a smile played across her face.

Me: I’m glad you were born.

Laundry Lady: Thank you

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It’s almost like a little reunion here today … Guess who else had a birthday, 81st to be exact?

Glaucoma Man.  He’s back.

And in true Glaucoma Man fashion, as soon as I started typing he stopped by to chat.  His timing has always been impeccable.

He’s excited about a new trailer his sister bought him.  One with an awning and, I quote: “I could even take a bubble bath if I wanted to, it has a tub!”

Me: Oh that’s exciting!

Glaucoma Man:  My one now doesn’t even have a shower … I’ve been living like a bum.

I didn’t know that.

I assume the park that houses the trailers must have a communal bathing area though, because he’s always well-kept.

_______________________

It’s grey and drizzling outside – perfect for a lazy Sunday, but I’m sure as Laundry Lady looks out the window as she’s stuck at work on her birthday the grey might elicit a different feeling.

And for Glaucoma Man, while he doesn’t have a lazy Sunday ahead, I’m sure he’s grateful for the break in the heat so he can work on trying to start and move his 25 year old home that’s currently sporting a near flat tire.

I wonder also what the man to my right is thinking.  He’s sat facing a washing machine and lost in thought.

Another man paces without a smile on his face.  Another white-haired man is stood guarding his wash.

And I sit and see them all – and wish I knew what was going through their minds.

I’m lucky some of them feel they can open up and share with me. Because, really, I am a good ear and so very curious about people.

And what is it they think of me?  I’m the girl in the corner typing.  The girl with a faint smile on my lips as I anticipate my upcoming trip to the coast.

The girl who doesn’t speak much, but who is thinking of flowers and returning, of my old friend getting an awning and a tub.

Sandwich bags, falling and senior discount. What?!

It all started with the sandwich bag paradigm.  You buy a packet and it’s over 150 and you’re thinking “these are going to last forever!”  And then you’re packing a sandwich and where the heck did those bags GO?

Much like life.

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Drudging up the hill to 50.

We think we have so much time, so much available and … “Where did it go???”

I ‘met’ someone a few months ago that I’ve ‘known’ since 6th grade.

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I’m conquering my biggest fear to see them, and other friends I haven’t seen in over a decade.

I’m terrified.  Not so much anymore about the flight, but – what could be, what I could fuck up, what might have been – etc. etc.

I have hope. I do!

OK, I HAD hope – because I’m constantly being told I’m attractive and then today – I went to Ross on a Tuesday and purchased jeans for my trip to the Central Coast.

Got to the checkout after feeling very frisky and gorgeous and appreciating my body – size 7 – skinny jeans.

The flipping young girl at the register gave me the “Tuesday Special” discount. Which, is 55 and over.

Really????

Recent Pic:

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I’m not even going to ask if I look 55.

But hey, I got a discount.  Lol.

As for the trip – I’m getting over my fear of flying by reading very positive posts.

I’m adjusting to my new meds and venturing out – the agoraphobiac I am.

I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, and … Honestly?  Mostly hoping things go well with D.F.M.

Because I deserve it.

And because it’s about damn time.

And … Because, if I can fly somewhere, I can get over my anxiety/panic disorder.

 

And I will!

 

 

Rivers and Anticipation

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In less than 2 weeks, I take the plunge – and I seriously hope not literally.

I will be boarding a plane – which, combined with my fear of heights, is the ultimate fear for me.

I will say, that on my new meds, I DID conquer Walmart!  And not just Walmart, but, Walmart at its most busy. The sign up for the annual River Regatta.

People floor to floor signing up or buying booze or flotation devices.  And I walked it, and I was amongst it, and nobody knew I was terrified.

I kept my head down, focused on being positive.  Focused on being healthy.  AND!

I did it.  What did I buy?  Watermelon juice lol.  But, I freaking did it.

I’m so floored and ashamed of the way our river was treated this weekend.  I don’t ever participate – I think mostly because I’m so pale – but, also, don’t want to be downstream from 30,000 people peeing in the river. Lol.

I spent my weekend loving those I love. My son, My future. And watching WAY too much Netflix.

But, on a side note,this was the aftermath of the event.  Very disturbing. If you come to do this event, flipping clean up!!!!!!!!!

The Day the Musings Died – and therapy gone wrong

 

Past two weeks at the laundromat, WIFI hasn’t worked for me.

I was unable to ‘muse’ and that bothered me.  I missed you guys and had so much to say!

They ‘fixed’ their WIFI by making a password free guest WIFI – and my iPad just would NOT pick it up.  So, actually now, laundry day sucks.

It’s like “Bye, Bye, Laundromat WIFI…”

Took my Chevy to the laundry, but no WIFI.

So!  Let’s catch you up

 

I went to ‘therapy” on advice from my doc that knows me since 13 years ago.

I have anxiety/panic disorder and … Add to that now, agoraphobia.

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The therapist told me I have no self-esteem, and after divulging every creepy sexual moment in my life and my deepest darkest secrets, he went on to say,  “You’re beautiful, you need to see yourself that way.” (As if THAT was easy to do.) He went on to say … “you have great boobs”

Wait what?!

Are you freaking kidding me?????

THAT was my therapist.

I called him last week and told him I felt very uncomfortable with that.

I went on to say, “If I had come to you because I’d been constantly bullied, and you told me to sit down and shut up, that would have been the equivalent”.   He apologized profusely.  I told him I forgave him, but could not see him again.

Anyway.

I have my safe zones – driving to work and coming home.  But, when my son was out of town, I couldn’t go to the grocery store.

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I also have a plane trip this month.

My biggest fears …. Heights and flying.

But it’s worth it.

I am very excited to see the person on the other side of that plane ride.

I have also looked up tools to survive the flight mentally.

I’m doing this.  Because it is important.  I may be shaking, may be scared but I’m going.

Imagine this though – seeing someone again who you have come to very much care for, although, sweaty, shaky, and having been up since 3 a.m.

Yes, 3 a.m.

Got to get to the airport 3 hours in advance and THEN, THEN, the flight.

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I DID however Google getting over this.  And he had 3 steps.

These are what I remember.

1) You’ve been through this before and survived.

2) Tell yourself you’re excited about the feeling! It overrides the fight/flight sensation.   KEEP telling yourself you’re excited and tell the attack to “bring it on!”  Try to make it worse.

3) Shake out your arms and legs – literally.  It’s supposed to relieve something.

Guess I did remember all three.

I don’t see myself ‘shaking off’ on the plane though. Lol.  Maybe in the bathroom.

This is a very, very, very important trip and I’m GOING to do it!

Without flipping boob therapy.

(By the way, Mr. Therapist – that was padding.  But yes, I have an amazing body which should NEVER have been brought up.)

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Shameless, Pokemon GO & Flight Fear edition.

“I missed you last week!”

That was nice to hear so early in the morning.

It came from my laundry lady.   I explained that I had spent last Sunday in the midst of a Netflix binge.

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I got hooked on Shameless (U.S. Version) and spent the entire weekend either watching that, or pausing it to speak on the phone with someone special.

Nothing was cleaned – and my son was out-of-town, so I felt pretty much zero guilt.

In fact, I didn’t even go grocery shopping the week and a half he was gone.  (Great way to diet – the whole ‘cupboard is bare’ method.)

OK, so some of my hermit mode had to do with my increasingly annoying social anxiety.

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We went yesterday and I still felt awkward ‘peopling’.  Managed to do it though with him in tow.

Friday we also left the safety of my yard and hunted for Pokemon.  Good thing one happened to be in the vacant lot across from us as the further we got from my home, the more anxious I became. The payoff was actually finding one and getting to ‘pet’ it for a photo.

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Yes, I look awkward, no my legs don’t usually bend like that, but when your son is saying “lower, lower … Mom, lower”, you contort to facilitate such a photo op.

Back to anxiety.

So!  I have an impending flight coming up next month sometime.

I say that so casually, though, even typing it has made my palms start to sweat a little.

I have a MORBID fear of heights – and an even worse fear of flying.

I have no idea how I’m going to make it ON the plane, let alone remain on it with any degree of sanity.

But it’s a worthwhile trip.

I have friends I haven’t seen in over 13 years and that someone I speak with on the phone will be at the airport to collect me.

What a great way to see each other after all this time.  Me, shaking, pale, heart pounding, blurred vision.  I suppose though, that’s how I would feel even if I wasn’t just on a metal cylindrical airborne object miles above the ground.

And what a great story it would be for the laundromat if I survive the trip no?

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And now to finish the coffee I’ve given up, that my laundry lady STILL makes me … And finish the laundry so I can return to Shameless.

 

 

 

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