Musings from the Laundromat: Procrastination, Days Off and Laundry Lady Cold Shoulder edition.

I took some ‘mental health’ days from work.

I needed to decompress, give myself an attitude adjustment and also go through my son’s room.

Day 1 consisted mostly of watching everything I wanted to see on Netflix.  Plus, grocery shopping.

I actually cooked a meal, peeked in on the chaos that is my son’s room and slowly backed out.

It’s so hard to get motivated to begin when you’re not sure just where TO begin. If you’ve ever seen an episode of Hoarders, you might know where I’m coming from.  Ok, it’s not THAT bad – but pretty overwhelming.

So Netflix won me back.

Rewind – so, while I was at the grocery store I ran  into laundry lady.  We chatted for a moment and went our separate ways.

Then, I happened to be in line behind her and her roommate and not a word was shared.

I felt a little hurt.  After all, 6 years of 52 weeks seeing her and tipping her and bonding … and no shopping line chatter.

Rare photo of Laundry Lady

Rare photo of Laundry Lady

I had more of a conversation with the little old lady behind me that I did with my Sunday blog muse.

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I finished Saving Grace.  Started the Santa Clarita Diet, finished that.  Watched David Brent, Life on the Road and Finding Dory.

Felt guilty for all of that so yesterday cleaned.

I made a tiny dent in my main project (3 garbage bags later) and focused on the house to get my mind off of some of the sentimental items I’d found in ‘the’ room.

It’s still not done.  But, I have today and tomorrow off still.

Not sure how much I’ll accomplish, but I will gird my loins and delve in again.

I asked Nic what he wanted to keep, he said to get rid of everything.

I don’t think he realizes some of the things he left behind.

Besides, this is the mom who saved every card he ever gave me, so, no, I’m not tossing things.  Except obvious trash.

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It’s also been raining, although, not nearly as much as it has been on the central coast.  The devastating photos being shared by my friends in Monterey, Santa Cruz and Carmel are insane!

But, enough that it puts me in ‘just wanna be comfy and relax’ mode. That certainly doesn’t fuel me with the energy to purge and sort through a  lifetime.

Excuses, excuses.

But, this is why I needed those mental health days.

The task has been weighing on me, and I can’t stand to know something is needing to be done and hasn’t been.

The OCD in me may win out the lethargy.

We’ll see.

 

 

Long Distance Valentine.

When you find someone who loves your broken bits as much as they love the best you … hold on to them.

I may be spending Valentine’s Day alone, but I’m not truly alone.

I received an amazing box from my Valentine.

Ugg boots to replace the ones I mentioned in a conversation a while ago “Ug” (No pun intended) “I have holes in my Uggs!”

Fake flowers (“You wanted flowers.”)

2 cards, yes 2.

A book of 50 ways I’m ‘super’ (hand written answers, and yeah, he had all 50)

Green Bay cards.

Special Star Wars stickers peppered everything inside.  He knows me, he gets me.

I have someone very special that makes everyday amazing.

With, ok, inappropriate jokes and videos {no, not THOSE kind} he has an off kilter sense of humor I adore, because I know who he truly is.

The guy who stays friends with those he’s loved.  (And yeah, ok, sometimes that’s hard for me.)

The guy who actively avoids interaction, but will go shopping for a sick friend.

A guy who has such a routine, but let me in.  And now.  I’ve become a part of it.

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And THAT makes me VERY happy.

I think if we’re both being honest, it’s comfortable right now to be apart because we both have such stubbornness and independence.

It’s lovely to have someone to talk with and can count on that chat.

Life is in session and the stars have not aligned for us to be in closer proximity yet.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you – just know there is someone out there that loves you – even if they’re not with you. X

Musings from the laundromat: Laundry Lady returns and Pigeons Feeding Frenzy edition

She’s baaaack!  One Sunday morning only, due to ‘scheduling’.

AND!  ‘Don’t stop believing’ is on the radio.

All is right with this Sunday morning.

I made it abundantly clear last week to the manager that I missed my Laundry Lady.  (She has a name, I choose not to use it here for the sake of her anonymity, not out of disrespect).

I hadn’t seen her in weeks!  Although, to be fair, one of those weeks was due to me not attending Laundry Day.

Me: Is ____ ok?

Manager: Yeah!  We’re down a person and ____ prefers to come in later.

Me: But … It’s my routine.  I miss her.

Manager: (Laughs) You know what?  I’m going to tell her that, because I don’t really do mornings.

I felt a little bad this morning when I saw who was opening.  Like I had something to do with her schedule.

But, no, it just so happens something hung the manager up here until after midnight.

I guess I don’t have the pull I thought I did around here. (Joke).

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I’m looking around and noticing the gender ratio … There’s 5 men vs one woman.  That woman being me.

The funny thing I’ve noticed about guys doing laundry is … They hover.

They stand staring at the their chosen machines – guarding them?

Exhibit A:

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It cracks me up.

A wash cycle takes half an hour, and the dryers run in 10 minute increments.  Take a seat guys!  The rainbow umbrella table is available!

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Chill out!

So, I’m over in my nook and Laundry Lady just came over for a chat. (I think she might have missed me a little bit too.)

Asked me if I’d ever seen Twilight.

(She had just watched all the movies).

Have I seen Twilight?  HA!

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I gobbled up those pages faster than a pigeon with a French fry!  Then saw the movies.

Speaking of pigeons.

It was my mum’s birthday this past week.  We celebrated yesterday with a ‘mum and me’ day.

Went down to the river, ok, the casinos along the river, and had a wonderful lunch at Bubba Gump’s.

Here’s my mum’s plate with a few friends.

(SUBTITLES: What my mum says at the end is: “OK, that’s it.  No, I’m sorry, but you’re just throwing it at me here.”)

Funny thing was, an employee came over after noticing the flock of feeders and said, “We ask you don’t feed the birds.”

My mum replied, “I’m not feeding them, they’re helping themselves.”

It was a great day.

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And now I’m home and Sunday still feels perfectly right.

Hope yours does too!

Super Bawl Sunday …

My kidlet has been gone a month.

I’ve had ‘compliments’ handling this from my bosses.

Truth is – I’m still rocked.  My entire world is rocked. I hide it, then:

Bawl like a baby alone.

I have only been able to do the minimum in his room.  I can’t be in there for long.

There is so MUCH to do.

Then there’s the living room.  His Christmas stocking along with some contents of it are still there.  Plus, ‘the sock’.

I don’t want to erase my kid!!

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The rest of the room is pristine.

That SOCK!

My bird’s sock.

Anyway, so, I go to the laundromat early today … Big mistake.  Ended up waiting 20 minutes because again, my Laundry Lady didn’t show.  Her boss did, again.  Last week, I didn’t go – because, I didn’t have Nic’s clothes to wash.  Mine weren’t enough to warrant a trip.

ALL I’ve done this weekend was watch Netflix (This weekend is ‘Saving Grace’ which, I can totally relate to.)

It has touched me on SO many levels I can’t explain.

I guess I’ll try.

I identify with Grace.

I’ve lived a life similar, only, without the whole ‘being a cop and saving people’ thing.  But, I like to think I’ve contributed to someone or something.

I posted the theme song to my wall today …

Tangent – sorry.

What triggers me missing Nic?

Only having one basket of clothes for the laundromat.

Me taking a shower and the setting that I use is still on.

Me coming home and the place looks the same as when I left it.

Me coming home and there is no other car.

Me not doing some dishes anyway because I miss the mess.

And mostly, just me, missing the love of my life.

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What scares me is, that because of my past I’ve hardened my heart.

Gets me through each day.

I may break down sometimes, and when I do, it’s rough.

But, I’ve been broken so many times to the point I dismiss someone’s existence.  Or, their part in mine.

So, what does that mean for my son?

Why do I get ‘kudos’ for not falling apart for my kidlet?

I have a barrier so huge and so strong and so ‘HuuuuGE” Trump would be jealous.  Use my wall as ‘the’ fucking ridiculous wall and NO ONE would get in.

(Hate him by the way)

The people do let in by the way, surprise me.  Had a friend not long ago comment on Facebook.

As it was sweet, and kind, and ‘Amanda’ past.

I have his SOCK.

CALL ME DOBBY

 

 

Turn the Page

This is the first Sunday I haven’t had to go to the laundromat.  My laundry basket was a third full, and, I was not going to muse a load and spend money on that.

Friday, I heard so many songs that resonated with me – the most important being, “Turn the Page” via Metallica.

I found myself lost in the lyrics and substantiating it with my anxiety disorder.  Let’s walk through this.

My life.

I get up.

I pee.

I take my meds.

I take my dog outside.

I come inside.

I feed all pets. (Butters plus my fish and Nic’s that he left)

I bathe and dress.

I take Butters out again, because she never goes the first time.

I watch some news.

I walk Butters again – just in case. Also, fix my lunch.

I walk out leaving cartoons on for my dog and say “gimme kisses and smisses”

Every. Single. Day.

Turn the page.


It’s fucking Groundhogs day!

But, I’m also diagnosed agoraphobic and have severe anxitey and panic disorder.

I have some comfort in repeated things.

I feel safe driving to work, being there, driving home.

I feel safe driving to the store – then … BOOM!

I’m lucky if I get through the shopping.

This might be too much information, but, if I’m helping just ONE person, I’m glad to share – my issue when I leave my house is like … Stomach flu.  I get INSTANT tummy troubles.  It manifests itself physically.

No joke.

So, I hear this song on Friday on my way home.  And it’s this.

I got this … Um, feel or glow or understanding the way I understood it.  I KNOW obviously what he’s talking about.  But, it SO resonated.

“You can think about the woman or the girls you knewthe night before”

For sure. Me. Knowing me. What I’m capable of being and who I am today.  Who I used to be.

“But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do.”

Check.

“When you’re riding sixteen hours and there’s nothing much to do, and you don’t feel much like ridin’ you just wish the trip  was through.”

I’ve had those moments too.  Wanting, just … To be done.

“There I am, on the road again.”

There’s only so many places I can go.  I am terrified on big traffic highways.  My anxiety comes on and I can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t feel my limbs.  It’s serious.

Also speaks to my daily drive to work, which I CAN do.  But the repedeance  is bonkers.

“There I am up on stage.”

Yup.  With a mask and a smile and a positive attitude.

Me with makeup:image

Me, with nothing but Chapstick.

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“Out there in the spotlight, you’re a million  miles away.  Every ounce of energy you try to give away.  As the sweat pours out your body, like the music that you play”

And, again, I’m exhausted every. Single. Day.  I am. And I know the source.

And people that say “Anxitey” or “Depression” isn’t real, seriously need to talk to THEIR doctors about it.

“GET OVER IT”

“IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!”

Ok.

Let me take that route.

“Later in that evening, as you lie awake in bed, with the echoes from the amplifiers ringin” in your head, you smoke the day’s last cigarette remembering what she said.”