“If you need change, I can’t give it to you.”
My laundry lady went on to say, “The girl last night locked the vault.”
Made me start thinking about how much I DO need change. And not the break a twenty kind.
But I’m working on that. Vaults be damned.
I guess this is kind of a change … Sure not ginger ale.
And, thanks to our recent monsoon shenanigans, there are all these fun plants wrapped around mundane objects, really found this beautiful.
So, there’s a couple of changes.
But not the ones I had in mind.
There comes a day when you wake up, look around you and realize, “I am approaching 50 and I haven’t much to look forward to.”
There comes a day when you wake up and repeat your day like a pattern and loathe it.
I have an unchecked lottery ticket in my purse. A dream of what my life could be and health issues I want mended.
I have a bonkers sense of hope, and a realistic feeling of being ‘stuck’.
Those things coupled become completely frustrating.
It’s like ticking off days on a calendar, only, it’s the countdown to the end.
So, what do I want to change, and how to go about it?
I’ll know more about that soon.
Mostly though, I stay in the moment and appreciate my life.
But I can’t keep doing my pattern forever. I need more for myself.
I am capable of change, and open to it.
Now I just need to check that lottery ticket I suppose.
It’s a beautiful morning.
I showered, tended to my dog and less than half an hour I sit at my laundromat table with almost dry hair. Got to love the desert – nature’s hair dryer.
OK, sometimes I love the desert.
But there are many other times that I feel too far away from something or someone.
(Side note: I’ve yet to tell the laundry lady that I’ve stopped drinking coffee, and after her smile and our little chat she put on a pot for me.
How do I tell her I don’t want it when she only makes it for me?
I don’t. I will be having a cup. Because it makes her feel good to make it for me.)
My head has been in the clouds for the past week or so. It’s been hard to focus on the things I used to focus on.
Which, is a good thing, because left to my own devices and imagination, I’m usually not walking down quaint pathways, but dead-end alleys in my head.
Negative ‘what if’s’ have been brightened to hopeful ones.
I’m looking forward instead of backward and that is also a good thing, because I’m not the most graceful of creatures and tend to trip up when I’m not focused on today or tomorrow, but rather, yesterday.
“Do you think it’s because we’re older? That we know what we want sooner?”
“Yes. We already know what works and what doesn’t in our lives. We’re more confident and have experiences to draw upon.”
A conversation I had with someone I love.
And now I sit, sipping the coffee I’ve given up, and one of my favorite songs, Killer Queen, plays in the background on the radio.
And there is a faint smile on my lips as I type.
And there is a calmness in my heart.
And there is much on my mind – but I’ll keep that to myself – for now.
First of all, Happy Father’s Day to all the great dad’s out there. And Happy Father’s Day also to all you moms that have done it alone. I’m raising an imaginary glass of champagne at the screen and cheering you all.
I’m sure the dad’s are thinking, “Great. Couldn’t you be raising an imaginary beer or single malt?”
(My segues are ingenious, she says sarcastically while moving the imaginary glass of champagne out of the way so it’s not knocked over by her writing prowess.)
Yesterday was a pajama day for me. Just me, the dog and Litchfield Penitentiary.
Well, almost. I have 3 episodes to go.
I’m definitely enjoying Season 4 over Season 3. No spoilers. I’ll review the show when you’ve all had a change to binge watch.
So after today’s Fathers Day brunch across the river, I’ll be returning to my Netflix nest and finishing up those remaining episodes … Then I’ll feel guilty about not having scrubbed the house – then either a) get over it or b) actually scrub the house. I’m thinking maybe a little of both.
Time to check on the machines … And drink my weekly cup of coffee (I still haven’t had the heart to tell the laundry lady I don’t drink it anymore. But since she’s so sweet to make it just for me – I must courteously caffeine.)
Once again, happy Father’s Day Soupers!!!
I was walking Butters for the first time this morning (more on that in a bit) and was sleepy, and it was Monday, and had this sudden thought (not for the first time) “Is this it?”
Every weekday morning.
- Get up
- Walk Butters with no results
- Come inside
- Feed and water Butters
- Check Facebook and Email and collect my ‘faux’ chips on a game I like to play
- Turn on the news
- Get in the shower
- Do my hair – put minimal makeup (concealer, a dusting of rice powder, mascara and some color on my lips)
- Get dressed
- Take Butters out again (with no results)
- Watch more news
- Take Butters out for a THIRD time – with results
- Make my lunch
- Leave the house for work
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that:
- I woke up
- My dog woke up
- I have food to give my dog and I
- I have a job to go to
But, I’ve got that hamster wheel feeling again! Ground Hog Day!
Which is also why I don’t feel the least bit guilty about some debauchery this weekend supporting a friend at the Gentleman’s Club she works at.
I missed her – wasn’t able to attend her wedding since I was holding down my mum’s house as my Nannie passed. The minute I got wind of her returning to work, I wanted to be there.
Back to the wheel.
Butters and I are standing in the dirt yard – where my rented single wide sits and I just was SO overwhelmed with … “IS THIS IT?”
I used to own a home! I used to have ‘extra’
Now I’m just creeping up on 50, renting and single.
Not only single, but if the PERFECT man came into my life, I’m such a hot mess that:
- My pride would interfere with anything he tried to help me with. I won’t take money. I couldn’t ‘move in’ with him. I am TOO independent.
- I’m so used to being alone he’d have to ACTUALLY be ‘Perfect’ to deal with me
- I put my son before any other relationship and at 21, he’d still have to be part of a ‘package deal’
So, screwed right?
I have no savings – no retirement – no health insurance.
I DO have a car payment (as most of us do, I know) a little bit of debt and health issues.
Therefore, the retire part of this … Doesn’t seem to be in my future. Lol.
THEN! I went to work.
In a gorgeous new dress.
Let’s talk about this.
I received some gift cards to a local shop for my birthday.
First visit – I’m thinking ‘practical’.
It’s been in the 120’s here in Arizona and I’m DREADING my electric bill.
Yes, I can handle SOME heat – but no, my dog (Butters) can’t.
So, we’re running the A/C and believe me, it’s been RUNNING!
I set it at 82 and we usually don’t get this kind of heat until mid-July.
So! With my birthday gift cards, I bought (drum roll please)
CURTAINS! Sigh. Darker curtains to block some of the hot desert sun from our little home.
Well, curtains were too long. (Yes, yes I measured before buying and took said inaccurate measurements with me.)
I returned them the next day and for once, put myself first. With $80 I bought: two dresses, one top, two pairs of earrings, a pair of shoes AND a very unnecessary spritzer that moisturizers while ‘affixing’ your make up. (Pretty ironic as I have just shared with you my make up regime lol). But I put that dress on today, I put those shoes on today, I put those earrings on and I spritzed.
I walked into work feeling like a million dollars, and it was noticed.
Okay, here’s the dress, although, the pic doesn’t accentuate the sheer last inches of it.
With my pedicured toes (thanks to my mum this weekend) and a new outfit I was invincible!
Which is good – because Monday came with copier crashes – which I was on the phone and online with tech support for a while about. A website I’m creating for a new agent which had DNS glitches and an urgent need for an owner to get home, who I drove.
A TOTAL Monday.
Some customers came in late in the day and while interacting with their agents, I was introduced.
“Is this the agent that has that house for sale on (such and such) street?”
Me: (I smiled) No, I’m just a minion.
Them: If you weren’t here would the cogs stop turning?
My bosses … The owners … “Yes, they would.”
“This is Amanda.”
And in that moment – I knew I was important there. I KNOW I’m important at home … And I know I’m important on the planet.
And maybe, just maybe – this isn’t ‘it’.
I have so many friends, but they’re so far away, perhaps someday, when I’ve put in the work – I can be with them, or close to them. And maybe not retiring is a good thing.
I’ve had my travels, I’ve gone from France to India on a bus already for goodness sake!
Had experiences only a few could dream of!
But right now … Just right now – it’s enough that I work with people I love and live with people I love. And I get the feeling, ‘this isn’t IT’.