Blog Archives

Pressing Mute (But still playing in my head)

For as many topics as I’ve shared that have a tinge of sadness, you should know that I have the exuberance of a goofy dog who just heard “walk?” when it comes to happy matters of the heart.

dog

It’s beyond exuberance – and after the initial high (compare it to that of a 4-year-old having consumed an entire pillow case full of Halloween candy) I have to remember that I live in the real world, and not everyone is on the same page as me.

I worry sometimes that my eagerness and energy might scare something precious away.

I take everything to the nth degree. I do.

I read too much into things people say – I chastise myself too much for things I say.

Constantly apologizing for not filtering or editing.

I just don’t play games you know?

If I’m in, I’m IN. Not just my feet. After having taken a dive, I’m up over my head and already finding new ways to move in the water.  Waving and yelling at those on the sidelines “Come in!!! It’s awesome!”

I’m a handful.

Seriously.

You say one thing to me and I’ve dissected it and run at least 20 scenarios from it.

Tangent QUEEN.

overthink

Friends that know me and start to say “Have you considered …” will stop, because of course they know I have.

Considered it, riffed off of it and have a Rolodex of other thoughts that spawned off of that one.

Yup.

But the great thing is they rein me in a bit and try to help me focus like a grown up.

I’m also a hopeless romantic, in spite of the fact that I am still sans Prince. And in spite of the fact that I will go to my grave saying “I don’t need anyone.” When really, we all need someone. It just has to be the right someone.

I’ve joked in the past about a poor clerk checking me out (yeah, both ways – at once) and I’ve already played our whole life out in the time it took him to scan my few items and before I’ve even paid, we’ve broken up. In my head.

But the thing of it is – I can trust my gut.

In the past, I let myself ride the high knowing it wasn’t going to work out – because damn it, sometimes you just need to FEEL that hope right?

Now I’m finding myself cautious and turning my volume down from an 11 to maybe a 4 … because my gut says I need to.

And Ms. No Filter is going to filter. And not say anything more about that.

For now.

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Christmas Eve Eve

prettychristmashouse

Christmas Eve is my favorite day.  The day before.  The day when my son can barely stand the anticipation anymore.  I can barely stand it either to be fair – I choose his gifts with a lot of thought and can’t wait to see him open them.

But I can wait.  That day before – is when all the magic is still hanging in the air.  The ‘unknown’ is still unknown.  The wrapping is still holding in its secrets.

I absolutely adore having something to be excited about.

The meaning of Christmas aside – after the gifts have been opened and the boxes revealed – feels (to me anyway) like it’s all over.

I love the build up.  The spirit of the approaching holiday.

Today was special too.  No matter what the gifts under the tree that my son went out to buy are (one is labeled ‘to the lady who lives with me’, the other, ‘A.K.A. my mom’)  I feel like I already had my big gift today.

It was a busy day – after my Sunday morning job, we came home and collected laundry to do at my moms, then took Nic’s friend home.  Lots of driving – lots of ‘busy’.

Came home and lay on the couch enjoying a burger we salvated over every time we saw it on a mouth-watering commercial.

Ice Age 2 was on … it was just Nic and I.

After he ate, he indicated he wanted a spot next to me on the couch.

We curled up together and watched the animated flick.  Wasn’t long before he was asleep – my arms around him.

You know that sound pets make when they’re falling asleep and totally comfortable?  That content exhale?

He made that little noise.  A sigh.  And my heart filled.

I daren’t move – even when my arm fell asleep.

motherandchild

For that moment – I had my ‘little boy’ back.  If only for a snippet of time.

That is all I needed for Christmas.

Because really it’s about telling people we love them, spending time with family and a rare Season when strangers are nicer to each other.

I had my moment.  And tomorrow – I’ll be baking and looking forward to Santa filling Nic’s stocking and arranging the base of the tree. 😉

So very blessed.  So very grateful.  And as my son continues to sleep on the couch, I glance over at my boy who is becoming a man and so thankful for that contented sigh while he was in my arms.