My current status …
I’ve been pretty, um, I want to say ’emotional’ but, truth be told I’ve been a completely withdrawn, passive aggressive bitch. Not just to my son.
It’s as if I want people not to like me so that it will be easy to wean myself off of them.
There’s four pretty significant things getting me down lately – but I’ll just speak on this one.
How to drive home January 6th 2017, not see my son’s car outside of our home and not completely shatter.
Let me clarify again, I am very happy for him. I am very proud that he’s leaping headfirst into the world. I am terrified of his 27 hour trek across the States however.
And fuck! I’m going to miss my kid!!!!!!!
He is the only person I know or have ever met that can make me laugh every single day! The only person I can be completely myself around and be certain I’ll be loved.
Obviously my bitchy depressed mode hasn’t gone unnoticed by him.
Evidenced by, not only my attitude, but the fact that in spite of hosting Thanksgiving this year, I hadn’t one shred of Christmas up.
I’m usually the eager Christmas beaver, wanting to festoon my home as soon as it is socially acceptable. Not this year. I had no joy. No excitement. I also spent the whole 4 1/2 days, other than Thanksgiving day, in my room.
This past Sunday, after the laundromat, I shrugged back into my pajamas and settled in to continue my very important 4 day activity … being horizontal while attending my Netflix pity party binge.
In walks my son.
Him: Let’s go to Oatman for lunch. My treat.
Me: I don’t want to go to Oatman. I was going to take a nap.
Him: OK, I’m going to get ready, then we’ll go to Oatman.
Me: Nic … I really don’t want to go anywhere.
Him: OK, we’ll go to the Hualapai’s instead.
Me: No! That’s too far!
Him: OK, Oatman it is.
He left. And I lay with remote in hand – 3 day old pajamas and a body awash in guilt.
The countdown has begun for the end of this chapter with my favorite person. And I have been pushing him away instead of making each moment count.
I got up.
Ran a brush through my hair.
Swiped my eyelashes with mascara – colored my pale lips.
Dressed warmly – the gray skies were threatening to water our desert.
And found him.
And off we went.
And the moment we began driving my spirits lifted. I was already laughing before we reached our highway.
We encountered a burro blockage as we approached our destination.
Burro was not budging.
The closer we came to Oatman, the more the burros. Here was our escort.
We parked and sauntered into the town we’ve spent so much time together.
Stopped in all the old familiar places. Enjoyed the warmth of an old fireplace as we ate lunch.
And then …
And then it occurred to me this might be the last time we did so together … alone.
My heart ached.
And as if on cue, as my eyes welled, the skies opened – and we walked in the rain. Unfazed by it. We have that in common – our love for the rain.
We took our time heading for the car.
Took our time driving.
Stopped. Enjoyed more time in the rain.
I can honestly say the day ranked up there … one of the top 10 days I’ve ever spent with my baby. My ‘baby’ who has become man enough to understand and to put up with my mood swings. Man enough to know that I needed that nudge.
I put our small tree up.
I’ve yet to find an extension cord in order to light it, but it’s a significant beginning.
And as for my sweet son and his upcoming departure? His significant beginning? I’m learning there’s no need for the cord that once joined us.
He’ll continue to make me laugh – from afar.
He won’t stop loving me nor I him.
It will be a slow process for me – learning how to live in a home he no longer shares with me.
And it will be an exciting and strengthening process for him … learning how to ‘adult’ and not having to share a home with me.
It’s quiet here today.
The radio isn’t on and no one is chatting.
Even Glaucoma man hasn’t stopped by to say ‘hi’ – he’s busy folding. He got here a whole lot earlier than me. I arrived on time.
And now he’s leaving without a goodbye.
It’s funny, because the laundromat opens at 8 a.m. (Although Laundry Lady unlocks the doors much earlier than that). As she looked up from receipts she was going through she said “Didn’t think you were going to make it.” Why?
I always do – I just happened to be on time today.
Had a fun night at a work banquet last night. I got to dance. I love to dance. And I spent quality time with one of my best friends out here. And of course, my work family.
It’s still hard for me to be in crowds, so I tend to overcompensate. Do that nervous bravado chatter and last night it brought me some trouble.
First of all – I was nervous about wearing makeup. I applied it early as I’m not very good at it. Wanted to be sure to be able to wash my face and have a ‘do over’. But, it seemed to work out. I asked my son, “On a scale from ‘party’ to ‘hooker’ how do I look?” Luckily the answer was ‘party’.
Here’s he and I outside.
He was preparing to leave. Which, left me to pacing the house like a caged cat.
My friend arrived and the nervous chatter began in anticipation of having to ‘people’.
Event was fun once I settled into my table and was close to those I knew.
Unfortunately, nervous chatter became a verbal eyeroll at something that was said on the microphone and someone I don’t get along with very well stared me down and declared me rude. This was out loud and what was said, literally, was “You’re rude.” It was accompanied by a look of disgust.
I deserved it.
I own my part in it.
I brushed it off though and after eating too much food proceeded to burn some calories off on the dance floor.
I haven’t danced in so long! Well, not in public. I chair dance, bedroom dance and car dance – but that doesn’t really count does it.
My friend was ready to leave but I was feeling the beat and finally feeling comfortable ‘peopling’.
I acquiesced and home we went.
All in all, a great night.
And now here I sit, waiting for the washing machines to give up my clothes.
It’s threatening to rain outside, which, would actually be quite lovely for a Sunday. Nothing better than a blanket, a cozy home and rain hitting the windows and roof.
I caved and turned the heat on yesterday. After replacing the filters on my vents. I woke early yesterday to find my son on the couch with a knit hat on his head and a comforter around him. A little dramatic, but I got the point.
We went to breakfast then shopped for those filters and a few other necessities.
I also got a hair cut. A treat for me. I usually just let it look like a horses mane. But my intention was to also color it. I wanted to go darker, but the timing wasn’t right. I had driven and my son would be stuck for a couple of hours as he doesn’t drive stick shift.
I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that he’s leaving soon.
Still doesn’t feel real.
And if I thought it was quiet here – with machine doors opening and closing and rumbles and laundry cart wheels dragging across the tiles – then I’m going to be in for one hell of a shock when he does go. My home will be quiet. And lonely. And a piece of me will be gone.
Until then, I’ll enjoy each moment.
Each laugh I hear coming from his room. Each late night refrigerator opening.
Each piece of clothing I pluck from the bathroom floor of his to bring here.
“What doesn’t kill you makes me stronger” I said, after loading myself like an unwilling donkey with 5 bags of food and hygiene products, a large bag of dog food under my arm and my purse.
“You chose those things to carry and then complain about carrying them”
So much truth to that.
I do that.
Burden. Then get so wound up that I complain.
I see it now, I honestly didn’t before.
Dishes in the sink: “Do them! They don’t need soaking!”
End up doing them.
And it’s not because he won’t, because he has. I have this OCD thing and my kid has had to live with all my idiosyncrasies and not only survived them, but thrived!
My son is the funniest person I know. Has the best taste in music. Has the most amazing things to say that blow my mind away …. And I had nothing to do with that.
I had the most amazing pregnancy with him. No morning sickness, skin glowed, hair and nails flourished. Couldn’t wait to ‘meet’ him. Honestly, after he was born, I missed carrying him.
But, he was here! And I bumped into his crib ‘accidentally’ so he’d wake up and I could hold him.
And I never stopped. Never stopped adoring him.
Anyway, this ones for you and thank you.
Today was amazing.
(Tangent – I was just sitting outside and you know how beautiful doves ‘coo’ when they’re sitting? When they’re flying not so much. Lol. It’s like this … Um … Squawk asthma croaky thing.)
After laundry, I woke my son and we met my parents at a local casino for brunch.
I’m stickin’ with the no cow or pig diet. (Yes, I cheated … I was CRAVING meat whilst it was ‘that time of the month’ and regretted it VERY soon after. My body HATED having red meat in it. And told me so. Crazy that I was used to it.)
Here’s some more fun pics.
Nic trying his first snail …
He actually ended up liking it.
My desserts …
And yeah, I ate every single bite lol!
My mum and me. I swear, she looks younger than ME in this photo! I guess I have good genes and should be very grateful!!!
Fun with … I dunno. I’m so ‘app’ lost!!!! I don’t have a cell phone. I don’t know if this is face swap or face thingy or whatever. But, I do know I love this pic. 🙂
Me and my crab!!! I HAVE given up red meat and pork – but not seafood yet. I can’t. I love it. And as long as it has LIVED and has a fighting chance in the ocean, I’m ok with the capture. Not like factory farming. 😦
My bird and I.
My beautiful mum and I. Saying ‘bye for now’ on the way to the garage where this awaited …
PLUS! Vegan shampoo and conditioner – and some beautiful heartfelt cards.
And here’s the whole family.
We had a lot of fun today.
Then Nic and I went grocery shopping and I paused in my head and thought ‘this is amazing. We’re going home with groceries and just spent time with people we love’.
So, yeah. I don’t take things for granted. I spent my birthday wearing my grand mother’s ring and loving my mum and loving my son and a thank you hug to my dad …
Life needs to be appreciated EVERY day!
I’m just glad to be alive at 47.
And NEVER going to lie about my age. It’s a miracle. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!
I’m so glad each of you were born and HAPPY HAPPY Birthday to YOU!
Regardless if it’s your birthday or not, you have one, and I’m glad of it!
Had a squabble with my son today.
It was unpleasant.
It came on the heels of his 21st birthday.
I started this blog when he was still walking up a dirt road to catch his bus to school!
He was this little …
Our squabble? It was over a bird.
He wanted/wants a bird.
I said no.
We rent – they poop. We rent – they scratch their seeds. We rent – he doesn’t pay any of it.
Truth is, I’ve always wanted a bird too.
But, not a caged one.
One I could put to bed after it flew free in my (owned) home with interaction.
We don’t have that to give.
What he DID get for his birthday was semi-impulsive and it dawned on me today, he has more of me in him than I had thought.
What he didn’t DO on his birthday made me proud.
He thought he was driving later to a friends after his birthday dinner to do college homework – so, he didn’t have a drop of alcohol.
I SO appreciate that.
My son has common sense.
As for the tattoo (of which, I have four) I didn’t love it.
No, I’ll be honest.
I didn’t love the idea of it – because, he HAD a plan.
He wanted to integrate nature and technology and was going to be proud to have that imbedded in his flesh for eternity.
After consulting with a tattoo artist, he was told it would be 5-6 hours in a chair and perhaps he needed a pre-tattoo. (I’m sure that wasn’t the sentence the guy used – but hey, I’m paraphrasing.)
I felt like he was being coerced into an extra tat.
When Nic sent me a mock up of the tat – and I saw Alice –
I knew he didn’t have me in mind. (Although, I WAS hoping for his first to be “MOM” in a heart – just kidding.)
Because, this is what he brought me back from his big trip to England:
But, he had heard the story over and over of when I was in a bus in India as a child reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the bus hit a man.
No one really cared.
But, when we hit a chicken!!!! We had to pay for not only that chicken, but the chickens it would produce, the eggs those offspring would produce etc. etc.
One less mouth to feed in a 3rd world country is above food that feeds them – to a degree.
I kept reading on that bus – but did catch a glimpse of hamburger head.
It was horrible.
But, we took him somewhere good – and my mind stayed in that book.
Bottom line, I said:
And he is honest. Like me – to the point of discounting himself, if that’s even possible.
We try it, we do – but to lie – it doesn’t lay softly on our chests. I’m glad he got not only impulsiveness, but HONESTY from me.
And now we’ll both always have Alice.