Oh. My. God.
Well Soupers, I can officially share with you that I am a home owner! With my partner of course.
It happened on May 25th. Close of escrow.
Our one year anniversary came on the 28th, one day before my birthday. Which, was almost eclipsed by our new official situation, but, not entirely.
Yeah, yeah, I see the dust too, I live on a dirt road, I can’t wash my car without coming home and being completely undone in that arena.
So hush. LOL.
I didn’t pack a thing. Not a thing. Because, I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ anything. (I lived to regret that.)
We’ve done runs up and down, and, let me share now that it will be a 40 minute commute to work each way – but, well worth it!
I didn’t completely understand the gravity of this situation until … today.
My honey is out-of-town to be with his kidlets, (who arrive on this month for 3 weeks! 🙂 ) and I went up today to water the trees and set up a shower curtain and take up my kitchen island. Ah. How relaxing. And, it was! While I was there.
Past week was spent juggling work, initializing utilities, cancelling current ones in the future …
Here’s us, the ‘public view’ of this experience.
(Obviously taken before he left town)
Aaaand, here’s me now.
I have learned that … A) I am getting what I deserve after dropping so many things on my parents after I moved!
This is my son’s room …
We have what is called a Quonset hut which is HUGE! And almost all of the shelving is currently occupied by ‘Nic Barn’.
I’m sorry mom.
B) I kept too much stuff!
I am the Queen of nostalgia. Every card, every note, every memorabilia of an event I participated in! Because why? Is any one going to care after I pass? Is it the Holy Grail? NO! My sentimental things are bordering on MENTAL!
I had a hard time throwing these out! These are old food containers people! But, because my son wrote such sweet things on them, I kept them! I took a photo, because I’m still not over such things, then tossed. (With a little whimper.) You can understand what I’m up against.
C) This shit. And, I swear I said out loud to my DOG, “Where the fuck did I put the tape????” at least 20 times today.
I haven’t even started on my bedroom, which, of course, contains my ‘most special things’ AKA: pouring over stuff for too long and reminiscing and not getting anything done!
There needs to be a service. Someone who will literally just sit there and crack a whip when you’re getting tired, or taking too many breaks.
D) I will be SO happy when this is over and I get to read THIS and laugh. I so hope for that moment, while my back is killing me and my space is a disaster.
There WILL be a time, in the future when I’m reading this and will tell myself, “You did it!”
I made this nest I write in.
I fought for it, clung to it and worked for it.
Behind the door I’m home.
I can be me – uncensored.
Here I am safe and loved.
My words unedited, understood.
I fill the space with colors, memories, scents.
Books, clay and paintbrushes –
Plants and sweets.
Cheese and Rice! I have managed to sad myself right into depression. But, I’m not having it! Nope. Enough.
If I had to analyze myself, I would say my mood of late has been a culmination of several pretty big events.
1) My Nannie, who was a HUGE bright loving light in my childhood, turned 90 on the 23rd. My mom went over to England to surprise her and to celebrate her birthday. I have to face the very real fact that the odds are I will never see my Nannie again.
2) Nic turns 18 next month. I’ve done post after post on how I feel about that (click on the ‘Motherhood’ category).
3) I think I’m having a mini-midlife meltdown. (My first clue might have been when I dyed my hair from natural blonde to brown.)
While I am grateful for everything I have, and blessed beyond my wildest dreams when it comes to friends, family and those most important things that cannot be bought, I worry.
I worry that I have no savings, no retirement plan, no health insurance to turn to with my very real health issues. Very easily interpreted by an imaginative mind into: I have no future.
4) I’m beat! Seriously tuckered out. It’s been a hell of a few years!
I stopped drinking, asked for a divorce, got the divorce, was almost homeless, was unemployed, moved, got a job, got my smile back and started a blog to share it all. Throughout all of that I’ve dealt with my heart condition, my lung disease and penny by penny, caught up with past due bills and by the grace of God – I made it!
But jeez – sometimes a nap is in order after such exertion. 😉
5) The tooth. This will be the last time I mention it. (Until I get it pulled, then I’m all up in your eyes with a post about that) But being physically knocked off my perch was the final straw for this camels back.
But here’s the thing –
- Not once have I wanted to drink through any of this.
- My Nannie is alive and amazing
- My son is here – and we have an outstanding relationship
- I am not hungry. (OK, I’m a little bit hungry lol, but I have food, just can’t chew)
- I am not homeless
- I can afford my medicine
- I woke up this morning
- the bills ARE paid
- I have an appointment to handle the tooth
I have got to focus on the positive, because God hasn’t let me down yet.
So what the heck am I doing not using that smile?
I’m glad I blogged about how I was feeling at the time though. I hope that maybe someone who feels like I felt, but wouldn’t say what I said – knows that there is ALWAYS the choice to decide to be happy anyway.
I am grateful. I am loved. I am human. And I’m going to have times when I feel overwhelmed – and those times will teach me how to be stronger, without putting armor on. I have learned to reach out. I have learned I don’t have to put on my wonder woman cape. I am enough.
I’ve done an awesome job of climbing over obstacles, and even though my muscles are a bit sore (I really should stretch before all that climbing), it’s so great to get to the other side.
Out of the dark, up and over into the light of my loved ones.
(Oh, and poor Teddy, getting dragged into such a somber post. I owe him his own. He’s been through a LOT with me.)
Christmas Eve is my favorite day. The day before. The day when my son can barely stand the anticipation anymore. I can barely stand it either to be fair – I choose his gifts with a lot of thought and can’t wait to see him open them.
But I can wait. That day before – is when all the magic is still hanging in the air. The ‘unknown’ is still unknown. The wrapping is still holding in its secrets.
I absolutely adore having something to be excited about.
The meaning of Christmas aside – after the gifts have been opened and the boxes revealed – feels (to me anyway) like it’s all over.
I love the build up. The spirit of the approaching holiday.
Today was special too. No matter what the gifts under the tree that my son went out to buy are (one is labeled ‘to the lady who lives with me’, the other, ‘A.K.A. my mom’) I feel like I already had my big gift today.
It was a busy day – after my Sunday morning job, we came home and collected laundry to do at my moms, then took Nic’s friend home. Lots of driving – lots of ‘busy’.
Came home and lay on the couch enjoying a burger we salvated over every time we saw it on a mouth-watering commercial.
Ice Age 2 was on … it was just Nic and I.
After he ate, he indicated he wanted a spot next to me on the couch.
We curled up together and watched the animated flick. Wasn’t long before he was asleep – my arms around him.
You know that sound pets make when they’re falling asleep and totally comfortable? That content exhale?
He made that little noise. A sigh. And my heart filled.
I daren’t move – even when my arm fell asleep.
For that moment – I had my ‘little boy’ back. If only for a snippet of time.
That is all I needed for Christmas.
Because really it’s about telling people we love them, spending time with family and a rare Season when strangers are nicer to each other.
I had my moment. And tomorrow – I’ll be baking and looking forward to Santa filling Nic’s stocking and arranging the base of the tree. 😉
So very blessed. So very grateful. And as my son continues to sleep on the couch, I glance over at my boy who is becoming a man and so thankful for that contented sigh while he was in my arms.