Author Archives: debaucherysoup

Of Love and Uncertainty

I haven’t mused from the laundromat for a while – and that’s been odd.  My weekends have been filled, to my delight.

When I DO go, I do try to be there when my laundry lady is there also.  She told me I was missed.

I believe her, because I miss her too.  The routine – the ‘regulars’.  But I wouldn’t trade another Sunday there for what I have now.

 

I’ll start with this, I’ve been so happy lately that even my son, (who has moved again across country and who I haven’t seen since January 6th of this year) has commented on it.

Keep in mind, our chats have been minimal and our communications brief.  So, it’s a pretty big deal that he sees a change in me.

My heart is more peaceful, my anxiety lessened.  I smile more – I treasure moments no matter how fleeting.  I’ve been exploring, forcing myself out of my comfort zone.  Doing things to make someone else happy and in making the effort, found myself happier too.

Life has taken a turn and whether it’s for a reason, a season or a lifetime – I’m just very glad it happened.

And yet, I still find myself waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’.

As if I’m not worthy of a happy ending.  Or, just so used to not expecting one that the possibility is absurd.

I think the more I let go and the more I trust that I can pinch myself and not wake up, the less I’ll be waiting for things to go wrong.

I’m still also painfully aware at how brief and unpredictable life can be.

I’ll be participating in a 3K walk to benefit my sweet friend with stage 4 cancer on Saturday.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of her.

Every visit is cherished.

I find myself wanting to curl up next to her and just … be.  Of course, it hurts her too much to move or be bumped or even to hug.  So, her toes are mine.  I gently rub her feet in some attempt to offer comfort where I know I can’t.

I think I’ve been living for her lately too.

Pushing myself with the ever-present thought, ‘She would LOVE to be able to do this!’  I’m not just talking about adventures.  It’s the little things like,  getting out of bed, standing in the shower, dressing myself.  Standing in line at a store!  (I WILL give you the lecture if I hear you complain you know – “You realize there are some people who would give ANYTHING to be in this line?!”)

I  especially thought of her when it was finally cool enough to join the man who has my heart in the desert.  She would have given anything to sit where I sat after navigating a climb.  She would have been in just as much awe of the view as I was and welcoming the sweet sleepiness that was sure to follow that night.

So there it is.

My life at the moment.

Filled with hope and also with impending sadness.

Certainty and uncertainty.

Immense joy knowing that I am capable of such love now and willing to offer it with no expectations.

To them both.

Knowing that losing either of them is going to break my heart.  And yet, knowing them for however long I have makes it most definitely worth it.

 

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Wistful ladies and life after freedom of speech

I’ve been on a sabbatical of sorts from my site – for various reasons.  One of the least interesting being, my usual writing routine was disrupted due to no WIFI at the laundromat.

Some other reasons include:  Lack of interest, health issues, life changes, procrastinating purchasing batteries for my wireless keyboard …

Some writer I am.

Poe didn’t just lay around staring at his quill and just thinking about penning more cousin pining perversion or tooth obsession.  He got on with it.

Then again, he did have a metaphorical raven egging him on.

If I’m going to be truly honest though – (ironic considering what I’m trying to say) I can no longer not edit myself here.

Recent events I want to share with you involve others and I don’t have the license or lack of conscience to tell their story.

Even if I was cryptic they would know who they were – and I don’t want to hurt anybody.

I seriously considered taking Debauchery Soup down completely.

I’d rather not write at all than not write honestly.

But, there have been some past pieces that I’m quite proud of over the years.  In addition, pieces I know have helped others (I do read the private emails and comments I receive from the side bar) so, Soup remains.

I’ll tell you some good news though.

I conquered agoraphobia!

My anxiety has decreased significantly.

I’ve been not only leaving the house – but, ‘peopling’.

I’ve acquired a social life.  Yes, me.  OK, so it’s still heart pounding to begin with – but I find myself settling in no time.

I honestly can’t remember the last time the house was cleaned from top to bottom, I haven’t been cooking.  I’m enjoying life home alone because I’ve finally accepted that things don’t constantly NEED to be done – I can take time for myself even if there is a dish in the sink or dog hair on the carpet.

Which does now remind me of a story I can share.

Comfy?  Ready?  Here we go:

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

I was in a clothing store early in the week perusing the racks of dresses when a petite older lady approached me.

“Did you ever find something that fit so perfectly and was so lovely that you just HAD to have it?”

(These encounters happen often for me – strangers coming up to me and chatting)

I saw the top she was holding up.  It was teal, flowing, layered and sparkly.

“I have.  That’s beautiful!”

“Oh,” she said, “It is – but, I don’t have anywhere to wear it.”

“Why not wear it at home and have a glass of wine?”

“I don’t drink.”  She answered.

“Ok, well, the holidays will be here before you know it!”

“Then it will be too cool to wear this.”

At this point, I’m invested in this woman getting the top for herself.  But she continued with,

“Besides, it’s a younger girl’s style.  I’m 80.”

“More the reason to get it then!  No time like the present!”

“I think it’s too dressy for church too …”

I’m torn at this point between smiling and exiting the conversation while internally yelling ‘don’t get the fucking top then!’  Or doing everything in my power to make sure she left the store with it – whether that meant I purchased it for her or took her hostage to the cashier and forced her to treat herself.

“Certainly they have functions though?”

“No, not my church.”

I was striking out – and long past looking for anything for myself.  I wanted this little lady to have something that she had loved on her – something that had made her feel beautiful and wistful.

She suddenly remembered she had a similar, less splashy top in her other gnarled hand.

“OH!  Well – I should probably try THIS one on.”

I smiled and we parted.

I left hoping that other top fit just as well – but also sad that she didn’t get the one she obviously adored.

She was being practical I know.  But sometimes we have to treat ourselves to something fanciful.

And that’s how I’m living life lately.

Doing things that make me happy and not questioning a thing.

My life right now IS that lady’s sparkly layered top.

Musings from the Laundromat: Looking & Changing edition

It’s been weeks since ‘the flood’ and weeks since I’ve written.

Today I’m rushing laundry as a handyman is to meet me at my disheveled home @ 9 a.m.

Of course, the laundromat did not open early today as Murphy’s law would have it.

‘Handyman’ is going to ‘look’ at the damage and other repairs that I’ve requested so many times.

Look.

If one more person looks and does not DO – I’m going to have to put my foot down.

I say that, but I’m not confrontational.

I did however, stand up for Muslims and others while stuck outside listening to Glaucoma man rant and rave.

A rare photo of him – he’s the one in the Hawaiian shirt.

The other gentleman was also a source of anger for Glaucoma man as he was let in before us.

I don’t care, but jeez did HE take it personally.  I told him to calm down as Laundry Lady came to unlock the front door.  She didn’t need any of his venom.

Other than laundry and handymen and my interactions here – life has been … Different lately.

Work is changing – two of the original owners are leaving to enjoy their lives together and travel.  They will be missed.

I turned 48 and decided that I, too, needed to make some changes.

That’s been difficult.  Whenever there are others involved it’s a painful process.

But as I think of my friend in the hospital and I hear news of people my age suddenly passing of late – it’s very clear to me that none of us are promised tomorrow and it’s time to start soaking up each day.

I’m seeking peace for myself.  And while I feel selfish doing so, no one else is going to find that for me.

Clearly no handyman – they’ll just keep coming around and ‘looking’ at damage and making appointments to return some day.

Musings from the Laundromat: Flood edition

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mama’s, Single Dads, Grandparents and Fur Baby  Moms.

I’m beginning my day at the laundromat (obviously) and guess who is here?

Glaucoma Man!

I haven’t seen him in months.

Now let’s get down to the wonderful (there is no sarcasm font) week I have had.

_____________________________

Monday I woke to an extra sound in the house.

A hissing of sorts.  I quickly concluded that it probably wasn’t a rattle snake.  I mean, they’re not called ‘hissing snakes’ are they?

The more my senses woke up with me, the more I knew what the noise was.

I leaped out of bed and followed the sound.

Sure enough, my main bathroom was under at least an ankle depth of water.

I tried to turn off the water at the toilet, but calcium build up would not allow that.

So, outside I went to the main.

I returned inside and assessed the situation.

FUN FACT:  Rugs usually don’t reflect when photographed – unless they’re completely under water.

Completely full garbage can – sitting in the ankle deep water (that a lotion bottle lid floating on top FYI.)

Of course it also reached outside.

My only reprieve (again, REALLY need sarcasm font) is that the majority of the water had found it’s way into my air conditioner vent.  *sigh*

Funny thing about suddenly not having indoor plumbing or running water is:

a)  I immediately wanted to go to the bathroom and

b) Was suddenly very thirsty for a glass of water.  Never mind that I had juice in the fridge.

All of this at 6 a.m.  All of this on the morning of a day I REALLY needed to be at work.

BUT!  Life had other plans, as it usually does.

I called property management and my boss and spent the next hour fielding calls from various workmen and companies.

Ran to the store to buy bottled water so I could at least brush my teeth and give my freaked out pup fresh hydration.

Fast forward.

Eventually the cavalry arrived and I had six – SIX men in my house (none of whom were the plumber.)

A handy man, two restoration men, my maintenance property manager and an A/C guy.  Wait, that’s only five.  Gawd only knows who the sixth man was.

Machines began appearing, trucks revved outside, Butters was losing her mind.

The crowd started to dwindle and then the plumber showed.

He managed to slither in between the restoration equipment and fix the leak.

The aftermath …

Base boards gone …

Oh, there they are.

Containment area

Which, I later had some fun with.  That’s me doing the ‘human centipede’ poster reenactment. (Yes, I have a shirt on – it was a  flesh colored tank.)

And, now here’s a little video for you.

FYI: I did make it into work, after a quick shower.  It made for a long day.

The machines are STILL running – which renders my shampoo and conditioner HOT in the bottle – and taking a shower feels like mission impossible on the surface of the sun.

Everytime I enter the zipped area I have visions of toasters falling into bathtubs.  That may have something to do with the light headed feeling of the shower/sauna.

Tomorrow may be the day all equipment exits my home – in the mean time, poor Butters probably should have been on Prozac.

We’re almost there Butters, we’re almost there.

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Relaxing Flu Edition.

I knew I wanted to relax this weekend – didn’t realize how adamant my body was going to be about that happening.

I woke Friday to two lovely surprises.

1) A visibly swollen neck, sore throat, headache and fever

2) I’m not pregnant.  (Not that there was a possibility, but found that the least offensive way to put it for you.)

Went to work and really hung in there, if hanging in there means occasionally putting my head on my desk and mouth breathing.

Somehow got everything done and finally couldn’t ‘hang’ anymore.  I tapped out at 2, came home and hit my bed so hard there may be charges brought against me.

I can’t remember the last time I slept so much!

Well, intermittent sleep anyway.  Had anyone watched me Friday night they may have drawn the conclusion I was kicking heroin.

You know, that lovely ‘fever fidget’ mode?  Hot, cold, legs kicking – moaning.

The flu is no joke!

So I wake up Saturday feeling like I’d biked the Tour de France and realized I still had to adult.

I had no medicine, no more juice.

I called my mom (feeling pathetic) hoping she could shop for me.  I didn’t reach her and sat and debated.

Do I take my virus out into the world?  That would be selfish.  But, I needed provisions and my fairy godmother wasn’t flying in any windows with aid.

So, I went.

My eyes looked like Gilbert Godfried with a shellfish reaction.  My face pale, sans makeup – mouth lolling open like a zombie.

Safe to say no one hindered me during my excursion.

I grabbed meds, soup and lots of juice and headed back home.

Lots of movies watched me this weekend – but two I DID stay awake for were Bridget Jones’s Baby and A Street Cat Named Bob.  The latter was genius.

I don’t want to give anything away, but there is a scene tha mirrors something I described earlier.

Anyway, I highly recommend this movie – if you have Netflix, you can find it there.  It was a book first, based on these two:

So, now I’m at the laundromat.

And it would have been SO easy to not have come.

Especially when I arrived and there were people waiting outside and the door was not open.

But, my sheets and pillowcase needed washing – after two days of soaking up my germs.

And once I saw that the WIFI was actually working, I made myself stay and wait so that I could write to you.

I’ll be crawling back into bed after I make it up with these fresh linens and put my clean clothes away – and finding another movie to watch me.

And, I can say that I have successfully accomplished what I set out to do this weekend no?  Just – maybe next time, it can be by choice.