“Crash into me…”
It’s funny how my title for this post was unintentionally inspired by my son, and here’s why. The other night I dreamed of Dave Matthews (My long time celebrity crush). I was explaining the root of my mood swing today and originally my title was going to be ‘Tsunami’ and the words just flowed out of his mouth. Perfect.
I have an issue with confrontation (I’ve mentioned this before). A serious physical adverse reaction to straight up yelling. My feet go cold, my stomach knots and I’m in the fetal position in my head. A therapist diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder years ago. No shite – I knew that.
This bleeds over into other areas of my life in lesser degrees. I tend to tamp down any slight upset thoughts. I hold them in. I hold them and try to cheerfully go about my day hoping they’ll go away. If I’m upset with someone, I don’t tell them. I keep to myself. Problems at work? I soldier on – staying grateful for the fact that I HAVE a job. Problems at home? I soldier on – staying grateful that we HAVE a house that has dirty dishes that, don’t you know, he should have KNOWN to do. Are you seeing the pattern here?
The problem is – much like a tsunami … what starts as a quake or a shift slowly starts building. Gaining energy, gaining momentum. Faster … stronger … larger until – CRASH! (While typing, the metaphor is also reminding me of an orgasm. But I assure you, there is nothing pleasurable about the finale).
I work during the week, come home and continue to work, and before I know it, it’s time for bed. Saturdays are errand days – groceries and housework. I work Sunday mornings for extra money cleaning two business offices. I go to the laundromat on Sunday’s too. I point this out not because I want sympathy, we do what we have to do, but to paint a picture in order to understand that I’m pretty exhausted most of the time.
I also have a heart condition. I feel like I’m in my 60’s or 70’s when filling my am/pm Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday pill reminder box.
So suffice it to say, the downtime I’m not getting – I need.
And I stay grateful. I tell myself, ‘at least I can afford my medicine!’ when I’m tired, ‘at least I’m tired and ALIVE’.
But I am human.
And I am tired.
Today I was feeling a little unappreciated whilst shopping with my son. I’ve been needing some dental work. After two courses of antibiotics and attempting to save the money for the oral surgeon I’ve been referred to, I am still in pain and unable to go. This is my fault. I have had friends offer to loan me the money, but I have a REALLY hard time accepting any sort of monetary help. Too proud? Maybe. I just hate that feeling of owing someone.
So I’m already upset that I’m spending a third of the money that could have gone toward the procedure on dress slacks, dress shirt and dress shoes for Homecoming. But, that’s what moms do! Still, I hoped for an unprompted ‘thank you’ (which, i did later get – after the tsunami).
I started this blog with the intention of NEVER editing myself. And I find myself having a hard time getting to the true source of my ‘Crash’ today.
If you’re a Harry Potter fan you’ll be able to relate when I compare the source of my tsunami to a ‘dementor’. Capable of sucking the life and the joy out of me. Depression incarnate.
That backbone I’m trying to grow? I really need it. No more tsunami’s – I have to learn to have a voice without fear of retribution. I have to learn how to enforce my boundary borders. I know a few waves will find themselves hitting my shores, but that’s OK – wiping out my entire emotional village is not, and that really comes down to me doesn’t it? Not the ‘dementor’ … but me. I have to stop expecting rational behavior from irrational people.
I’ll let Dave sum this up:
“Oh now it’s here I build my soul
I swear, friend, don’t you know
I’m bare boned and crazy for you”