I was emotional today (shocker).

I sat missing my boy and tears streamed down my cheeks.  I’m having a rough time with this transition thing.

I snapped at Nic (in IM) when he reminded me he would be gone a week starting Monday.  I won’t see him until the second week of 2015 – and every second is so precious.

I was on the heels of yesterday’s amazing day.  The BEST part was just having that time with him you know?

My heart had grown three sizes and my love for my boy was at 11.

When I got home I told him, “I’m sorry I snapped at you – the thing is, you have a mess of a mother and you’re the best part of me.”

And he is.  Or, he brought it out anyway.

I’m my own worst critic, which I’ve been reminded of by my nearest and dearest friends.

Anyway – rewind – after a weepy day – I drove home and thought to check the mail.

In my little cluster box was a key.  A key!  That meant a package.  My first thought, “Nic will be glad something he ordered came.”

But it was addressed to me – a box from ‘Santa’s Elves’.  I knew from the address who the elf was.  I won’t name her because I don’t know if it’s ok.

Inside it:

SO many amazing treats.

My first thought – even after my attitude brightened and I had a smile on my face?

“WHY do I deserve this friendship???”

I’ve had this thought before – many times.

________________________

I used to be able to surprise my friends with fun tokens of appreciation – silly cards – meals, and would do so at every opportunity.  Whether it be a balloon just because it was Thursday, or something I knew they’d just love! ^_^

A lot of the reason I don’t do that anymore is money related now – but if I’m being fair, and I’m being honest – it’s because I have been having this decade long pity party.

I’m so DONE!

I don’t reach out – I don’t go anywhere – I resist.  I reached a point in my life where I just wanted to be in my nest and became very selfish.

Not in a ‘it’s all about me’ way – but in a ‘it’s about nothing and nobody’ way.

Does that make sense?

Here:

I built a wall.  I climbed into my comfort zone and curled into a stupid little ball.

But:

Constantly.  I seriously don’t know why they put up with me!!!  And I don’t say that for someone to tell me why they do – I am not fishing.  I’m being very serious.

I have a friend Lisa – (I’ve named her before, I don’t think she’ll mind) who has made every past Christmas amazing – with funny thoughtful gifts.  Last Christmas she took me to the Eiffel Tower restaurant and showered me with gifts.  All the while I was embarrassed, not being able to reciprocate – and the gift I made her? I had made with a fever.  I was so sick.  For what seemed like weeks.  Even her mom mentioned on Facebook maybe we shouldn’t even be meeting up.  She didn’t want Lisa getting sick.  LOL!

Point is – I felt inadequate.

A combination of embarrassment of what I had to offer and a serious hard time receiving.

But I SO love when I’m thought of.

I’ve received little and big treats from other friends too – and never feel deserving, but always feel so uplifted by the gesture.

It’s never about the gift – (although they SO know me and the gifts are amazing) but mostly about the fact that they went out of their way – had me in mind and followed through!

So I have a New Years resolution – (which I usually try to stay away from) 2015 will be me, filling my address book and whenever I can, brightening a friends day with a little something.

Because it feels SO good.

(I try not to mention when I do a good deed, I feel like it sucks the ‘good’ out of it.

But I will share with my followers, that Christmas Eve I went to ‘The Neighbor’s’.  I had an abundance of treats – so I took some banana nut bread and home-made toffee, plus two toys that Butters didn’t need anymore.  I said Merry Christmas to the little ones and the poor dog next door got the toys.  I didn’t have to do a covert op with Nic. LOL!)

Anyway – feeling like I need to appreciate the ones I love more.  And I can say it and know they’re the kind of people that’s enough for – but I want them opening an unexpected envelope or small box and having the warm fuzzy feeling they gave me!

I’d name you all who gave me that feeling if I felt it was okay to do so.

I love you all. x

Thank you for loving me back.