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Woo hoo! Nobody knows it …

“Honey if I get restless
Baby you’re not that kind”


Turns out – I’m a very restless person.   I took an ENTIRE day off from work to just BE.

To be a human being instead of a human doing‘ and … survey says …

I got  bored.

It didn’t pan out. (Miner joke)

Speaking of … here’s us FINDING gold.

Well, I wasn’t the entire time.

I got up at 5 with my honey and gave him a lunch I had made for him the previous night.

Then, I had the luxury of ‘sleeping in’.  I am not one to usually be able to sleep after waking, but after countless nights of nightmares and tossing and turning, I slept.  I slept hard.  It was scrumptious.

Anyway …

That Saturday had consisted of us panning pay dirt AND me braving Karaoke!

I was awful. And Christopher didn’t know the song – thus the handing over the mic.

But, awful in a way that you were proud you displayed yourself and lived through it.

I DO warn you, I can NOT sing. So, go there with that knowledge.

AND stepped off of the stage and got a full applause because I just DID IT and knew I was awful but kept going and kept dancing and didn’t care. lol!  (Thought of you Betty – and how much you’d have given anything to be alive and sing badly)

I can sing in the shower and the car. 😉

Next morning, I was so tired.  We stayed up way past our bedtimes after being home and he sang (better than I ever will) and played guitar (better than I’ll ever try to).  But, I got up, and got hiking.  Feels SO good to be out there.  Especially good to share it with someone I love.

Here’s a few pics, and honestly, they’re getting less and less the more we go because I’m focusing on us and not capturing ‘us’.

Yes, I wanted to nudge it lol

We debated if it were nature or human made

Turns out, was a quarry or, mining area

My ‘Violets’ with ‘Murica! In a rainbow variety

After yesterday’s hike, we went to a buffet and I gorged myself into having what I call a ‘food baby’ lol.

I’m thin – when I ‘gorge’ I look like a tick.  Not THAT thin, ‘healthy’ but, ‘need to quit eating buffets or my existing clothes will not fit and I can’t afford a new wardrobe’ We then went home and napped – because – Walking Dead premiere!!!!!!!

The nap was more delicious than the food! We both slept, full as could be and spent!  Woke refreshed and ready to go back to bed if that makes any sense.

Bottom line, I had an amazing weekend and it’s always hard to say ‘bye for now’.

I wished, at some point today, between horror movies, snacks and washing the dog that I was hiking with my guy.

I remembered the moment he put his arm around my waist while we were walking, I remember going off into another direction of our path because something interested me.

AND!  Bonus.  Here’s the gold we found, plus an amazing sunset that I didn’t get around to posting.

It’s in there!


We caught six pickers, odd angle.

Proud Photo Moment

Looks like I was on a plane. I was on my deck.


Overall, honestly?  One of the best weekends of my life.  I not only over-indulged, but completely under-indulged and I have decided, life is amazing.  Period.  I could be out in a shack and chopping wood and panning for gold and singing AWFULLY forever lol!

“And nobody told us
‘Cause nobody showed us
And now it’s up to us babe
I think we can make it”




Of Love and Uncertainty

I haven’t mused from the laundromat for a while – and that’s been odd.  My weekends have been filled, to my delight.

When I DO go, I do try to be there when my laundry lady is there also.  She told me I was missed.

I believe her, because I miss her too.  The routine – the ‘regulars’.  But I wouldn’t trade another Sunday there for what I have now.


I’ll start with this, I’ve been so happy lately that even my son, (who has moved again across country and who I haven’t seen since January 6th of this year) has commented on it.

Keep in mind, our chats have been minimal and our communications brief.  So, it’s a pretty big deal that he sees a change in me.

My heart is more peaceful, my anxiety lessened.  I smile more – I treasure moments no matter how fleeting.  I’ve been exploring, forcing myself out of my comfort zone.  Doing things to make someone else happy and in making the effort, found myself happier too.

Life has taken a turn and whether it’s for a reason, a season or a lifetime – I’m just very glad it happened.

And yet, I still find myself waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’.

As if I’m not worthy of a happy ending.  Or, just so used to not expecting one that the possibility is absurd.

I think the more I let go and the more I trust that I can pinch myself and not wake up, the less I’ll be waiting for things to go wrong.

I’m still also painfully aware at how brief and unpredictable life can be.

I’ll be participating in a 3K walk to benefit my sweet friend with stage 4 cancer on Saturday.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of her.

Every visit is cherished.

I find myself wanting to curl up next to her and just … be.  Of course, it hurts her too much to move or be bumped or even to hug.  So, her toes are mine.  I gently rub her feet in some attempt to offer comfort where I know I can’t.

I think I’ve been living for her lately too.

Pushing myself with the ever-present thought, ‘She would LOVE to be able to do this!’  I’m not just talking about adventures.  It’s the little things like,  getting out of bed, standing in the shower, dressing myself.  Standing in line at a store!  (I WILL give you the lecture if I hear you complain you know – “You realize there are some people who would give ANYTHING to be in this line?!”)

I  especially thought of her when it was finally cool enough to join the man who has my heart in the desert.  She would have given anything to sit where I sat after navigating a climb.  She would have been in just as much awe of the view as I was and welcoming the sweet sleepiness that was sure to follow that night.

So there it is.

My life at the moment.

Filled with hope and also with impending sadness.

Certainty and uncertainty.

Immense joy knowing that I am capable of such love now and willing to offer it with no expectations.

To them both.

Knowing that losing either of them is going to break my heart.  And yet, knowing them for however long I have makes it most definitely worth it.


Long Distance Valentine.

When you find someone who loves your broken bits as much as they love the best you … hold on to them.

I may be spending Valentine’s Day alone, but I’m not truly alone.

I received an amazing box from my Valentine.

Ugg boots to replace the ones I mentioned in a conversation a while ago “Ug” (No pun intended) “I have holes in my Uggs!”

Fake flowers (“You wanted flowers.”)

2 cards, yes 2.

A book of 50 ways I’m ‘super’ (hand written answers, and yeah, he had all 50)

Green Bay cards.

Special Star Wars stickers peppered everything inside.  He knows me, he gets me.

I have someone very special that makes everyday amazing.

With, ok, inappropriate jokes and videos {no, not THOSE kind} he has an off kilter sense of humor I adore, because I know who he truly is.

The guy who stays friends with those he’s loved.  (And yeah, ok, sometimes that’s hard for me.)

The guy who actively avoids interaction, but will go shopping for a sick friend.

A guy who has such a routine, but let me in.  And now.  I’ve become a part of it.

image image

And THAT makes me VERY happy.

I think if we’re both being honest, it’s comfortable right now to be apart because we both have such stubbornness and independence.

It’s lovely to have someone to talk with and can count on that chat.

Life is in session and the stars have not aligned for us to be in closer proximity yet.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you – just know there is someone out there that loves you – even if they’re not with you. X

Super Bawl Sunday …

My kidlet has been gone a month.

I’ve had ‘compliments’ handling this from my bosses.

Truth is – I’m still rocked.  My entire world is rocked. I hide it, then:

Bawl like a baby alone.

I have only been able to do the minimum in his room.  I can’t be in there for long.

There is so MUCH to do.

Then there’s the living room.  His Christmas stocking along with some contents of it are still there.  Plus, ‘the sock’.

I don’t want to erase my kid!!


The rest of the room is pristine.

That SOCK!

My bird’s sock.

Anyway, so, I go to the laundromat early today … Big mistake.  Ended up waiting 20 minutes because again, my Laundry Lady didn’t show.  Her boss did, again.  Last week, I didn’t go – because, I didn’t have Nic’s clothes to wash.  Mine weren’t enough to warrant a trip.

ALL I’ve done this weekend was watch Netflix (This weekend is ‘Saving Grace’ which, I can totally relate to.)

It has touched me on SO many levels I can’t explain.

I guess I’ll try.

I identify with Grace.

I’ve lived a life similar, only, without the whole ‘being a cop and saving people’ thing.  But, I like to think I’ve contributed to someone or something.

I posted the theme song to my wall today …

Tangent – sorry.

What triggers me missing Nic?

Only having one basket of clothes for the laundromat.

Me taking a shower and the setting that I use is still on.

Me coming home and the place looks the same as when I left it.

Me coming home and there is no other car.

Me not doing some dishes anyway because I miss the mess.

And mostly, just me, missing the love of my life.


What scares me is, that because of my past I’ve hardened my heart.

Gets me through each day.

I may break down sometimes, and when I do, it’s rough.

But, I’ve been broken so many times to the point I dismiss someone’s existence.  Or, their part in mine.

So, what does that mean for my son?

Why do I get ‘kudos’ for not falling apart for my kidlet?

I have a barrier so huge and so strong and so ‘HuuuuGE” Trump would be jealous.  Use my wall as ‘the’ fucking ridiculous wall and NO ONE would get in.

(Hate him by the way)

The people do let in by the way, surprise me.  Had a friend not long ago comment on Facebook.

As it was sweet, and kind, and ‘Amanda’ past.

I have his SOCK.




An honest conversation.

You would think today I would have an opinion of a certain party and an inauguration.

I do, of course, but, it’s not foremost in my mind.

My mind is endlessly thinking of a woman I love.

The woman I connected with and understand.

The woman fighting stage 4 cancer.

Thing is … As much as I don’t edit myself with people, I don’t with her either.

When she was well, she never co-signed my bullshit.  And I SO appreciated that!


Got to talk to her tonight.

I think she finds it refreshing.  No platitudes. Just “So, what the heck?  What do they say?”  No “I’m praying for you.”

But I am.

To the God I don’t believe in.

I do like to keep it real and then SHE gets to keep it real with ME!

I get the full Monty, no editing.

And I get to ask again the questions other people avoid.

I love her too much not to know.

I love her too much not to be myself, and walk on eggshells.  ‘Healthy her’ would HATE that!

Don’t get me wrong, I have bawled my eyeballs right out … Put them back in and ‘Amanda’d’ up!

Because, while I can be honest, and handle her honesty, I still have a very sick friend and it tears me up inside.

Next time I’m in line at the bank and people are bitching, I’ll say, not my usual, but “You realize, I have a friend that can’t even STAND UP and would give ANYTHING to be waiting in this fucking line!”

Don’t doubt it.

I’ll do it!