I peopled yesterday.
Tuesday night, my heart decided to go into overdrive – not anxiety, but my ticker issues. I reached out to one of my bosses who talked me through it.
I was terrified. Especially when I began experiencing disassociation and couldn’t form sentences correctly. THEN began the anxiety attack.
Wednesday morning, I couldn’t walk Butters.
(Who, by the way, is enjoying a cuddle day today – she’s been slowing up of late and walking stiffly.)
I was exhausted from the previous night. Shaky, and experiencing the ‘anxiety/heart cough’. Those who have anxiety know this. It’s an involuntary action that seems to try to regulate the heart beat.
Called another boss and explained I needed time to get into work as I didn’t trust myself to get in the shower. Dizzy, and felt like a new born lamb – wobbly on my feet.
Bottom line, ended up not going into work at all. Rested a lot and recovered.
I get so frustrated with the anxiety. I also get frustrated with the few people in my life who seem to think I choose to have these debilitating ‘spells’.
I do not choose this.
My heart is a horse of another color – and is pretty much managed with the digoxin.
Thing is though, because I do NOT choose the anxiety, I decided to put myself out there. Out … There. Eek.
O.K. So, onto the good stuff.
Yesterday I had plans with one of my dearest friends. We were going to have breakfast.
Simple enough no? Driving is hard for me – when I go outside of my comfort route.
I did it though.
Had a lovely time and rented a delicious meal. Lol.
(I got the veggie skillet – but it was still greasy, so, you get the reference, I won’t go more into that.)
At one point, my friend said this:
Her: I’m a terrible friend. I don’t call, I don’t visit.
Me: No you’re not! I know you love me, and I don’t call or visit either!
And truly, that saying – about friends who pick up right where they leave off is so true. I don’t question her love for me – and I hope she doesn’t question mine.
Actually, she can’t lol! She still works at the bank where we met so many years ago and every time I leave, in front of the entire room I say, “Bye for now, I love you.”
And she says it back.
Part two of the day.
Movie with another amazing friend.
When I met this guy – I felt an immediate pull. His aura is so genuine and lovely. He has many hidden talents and his authenticity is worn on his sleeve. I knew I adored him after just a few chats. Felt maternal and very happy to have found such an amazing soul.
We had plans to see Beauty and the Beast.
This is where things get funny.
I met him in the lobby of the theater.
(Another thing I love about him, he’s an ‘on time’ or ‘early’ person, like me.)
We get tickets and drinks and eagerly head to the theater room.
As soon as we enter and turn the corner to see the seats, I notice the back row pretty much filled (ok, maybe 8) with teens.
One says, “Hey, can you get me a drink?”
I didn’t think much of it, my eyes were still adjusting to the light and I figured he was talking to someone else.
He was not.
I ignored this and we chose a seat behind a mom and her two little ones.
Then when two more teens came in and sat further up, the ‘gangstas’ threw a flip flop down at the newcomers.
“Why you sitting down there?”
Now I’m alert.
My friend and I decided to take bathroom breaks one at a time before the movie. He went first.
While he was gone – things escalated a tad.
Now, I may be anxious, but I also have my moments of courage.
The back row was in full swing and when I heard one of them loudly toss the word ‘fuck’ around I whipped my head in their direction.
Me: HEY! There are little kids here!
Him: My bad – did you get me my chili cheese fries?
(Teen giggles from the peanut gallery)
Oh NO he didn’t. What the actual hell?
Me: You want me to stay here or am I going to have to get up?
My friend returned shortly after and mentioned he’d advised the lobby that there were some degenerates needing discipline. After I emptied my hamster bladder, I did the same.
When I sat back down, the irony of the entire situation occurred to me.
These wanna be thugs were thugging at Beauty and the Beast!
Movie was amazing, I cried the minute the iconic ballroom scene began. I remember thinking, “good thing Emma Watson has had so much experience acting with things that aren’t actually there.”
Then I had another thought, “what if wannabe thug has an older brother with a gun?”
But I did the right thing.
After all, this little Princess was there too. (Face blurred on purpose)
My friend and I left the movie and promised to see more together and after a hug said “Bye for now.”
Peopling worked out.
And today, with not even half a load of laundry, I stayed home loving on my pup, leaving only to grocery shop and pick up medicine. And on the way home … Teared up a little at such a lovely weekend.
I was walking Butters for the first time this morning (more on that in a bit) and was sleepy, and it was Monday, and had this sudden thought (not for the first time) “Is this it?”
Every weekday morning.
- Get up
- Walk Butters with no results
- Come inside
- Feed and water Butters
- Check Facebook and Email and collect my ‘faux’ chips on a game I like to play
- Turn on the news
- Get in the shower
- Do my hair – put minimal makeup (concealer, a dusting of rice powder, mascara and some color on my lips)
- Get dressed
- Take Butters out again (with no results)
- Watch more news
- Take Butters out for a THIRD time – with results
- Make my lunch
- Leave the house for work
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that:
- I woke up
- My dog woke up
- I have food to give my dog and I
- I have a job to go to
But, I’ve got that hamster wheel feeling again! Ground Hog Day!
Which is also why I don’t feel the least bit guilty about some debauchery this weekend supporting a friend at the Gentleman’s Club she works at.
I missed her – wasn’t able to attend her wedding since I was holding down my mum’s house as my Nannie passed. The minute I got wind of her returning to work, I wanted to be there.
Back to the wheel.
Butters and I are standing in the dirt yard – where my rented single wide sits and I just was SO overwhelmed with … “IS THIS IT?”
I used to own a home! I used to have ‘extra’
Now I’m just creeping up on 50, renting and single.
Not only single, but if the PERFECT man came into my life, I’m such a hot mess that:
- My pride would interfere with anything he tried to help me with. I won’t take money. I couldn’t ‘move in’ with him. I am TOO independent.
- I’m so used to being alone he’d have to ACTUALLY be ‘Perfect’ to deal with me
- I put my son before any other relationship and at 21, he’d still have to be part of a ‘package deal’
So, screwed right?
I have no savings – no retirement – no health insurance.
I DO have a car payment (as most of us do, I know) a little bit of debt and health issues.
Therefore, the retire part of this … Doesn’t seem to be in my future. Lol.
THEN! I went to work.
In a gorgeous new dress.
Let’s talk about this.
I received some gift cards to a local shop for my birthday.
First visit – I’m thinking ‘practical’.
It’s been in the 120’s here in Arizona and I’m DREADING my electric bill.
Yes, I can handle SOME heat – but no, my dog (Butters) can’t.
So, we’re running the A/C and believe me, it’s been RUNNING!
I set it at 82 and we usually don’t get this kind of heat until mid-July.
So! With my birthday gift cards, I bought (drum roll please)
CURTAINS! Sigh. Darker curtains to block some of the hot desert sun from our little home.
Well, curtains were too long. (Yes, yes I measured before buying and took said inaccurate measurements with me.)
I returned them the next day and for once, put myself first. With $80 I bought: two dresses, one top, two pairs of earrings, a pair of shoes AND a very unnecessary spritzer that moisturizers while ‘affixing’ your make up. (Pretty ironic as I have just shared with you my make up regime lol). But I put that dress on today, I put those shoes on today, I put those earrings on and I spritzed.
I walked into work feeling like a million dollars, and it was noticed.
Okay, here’s the dress, although, the pic doesn’t accentuate the sheer last inches of it.
With my pedicured toes (thanks to my mum this weekend) and a new outfit I was invincible!
Which is good – because Monday came with copier crashes – which I was on the phone and online with tech support for a while about. A website I’m creating for a new agent which had DNS glitches and an urgent need for an owner to get home, who I drove.
A TOTAL Monday.
Some customers came in late in the day and while interacting with their agents, I was introduced.
“Is this the agent that has that house for sale on (such and such) street?”
Me: (I smiled) No, I’m just a minion.
Them: If you weren’t here would the cogs stop turning?
My bosses … The owners … “Yes, they would.”
“This is Amanda.”
And in that moment – I knew I was important there. I KNOW I’m important at home … And I know I’m important on the planet.
And maybe, just maybe – this isn’t ‘it’.
I have so many friends, but they’re so far away, perhaps someday, when I’ve put in the work – I can be with them, or close to them. And maybe not retiring is a good thing.
I’ve had my travels, I’ve gone from France to India on a bus already for goodness sake!
Had experiences only a few could dream of!
But right now … Just right now – it’s enough that I work with people I love and live with people I love. And I get the feeling, ‘this isn’t IT’.
The irony in Glaucoma Man telling me he keeps the lid down on the machine next to him so people don’t crowd him while he’s less than a foot from me as I’m stuffing MY laundry into a machine was certainly not lost on me.
I had grocery store flashbacks. You know, when you’re not finished with your turn and you have someone practically leaning on the little pay counter as you’re trying to swipe your card? Breathing down your neck as you take your receipt from the cashier? Those people. The cashiers feed into it too! Start ringing up the next person before you’ve even managed to put your store card and change away.
Yesterday I had someone so close to me her onions were rung up with my bits and pieces. We laughed about it – discussed sharing an onion and what not but – be patient and get off me!
I’m a little grumpy today clearly.
Not because it’s Valentines Day and I don’t have a valentine. I think mostly because I just woke up, threw clothes on in a very sleepy state and was immediately bombarded with Glaucoma Man.
I’m not really a morning person – and I’m definitely not into being talked at such a rapid and energetic pace until all of me has woken.
I have big plans today. Sushi grade Ahi ready to be cut into slithers of delicious sashimi. A fruit tart for me (Nic picked a cannoli.)
So, basically, my big plans are food. Oh, and … THE WALKING DEAD is back tonight! So I was sure to take tomorrow off so I could stay up late and watch it.
I already know what’s going to happen – just not how exactly it’s going to play out.
Yesterday I did have actual plans. Went to a local town with a dear friend and her granddaughter and Nic. Pet everything furry with four legs and ate a delicious lunch.
If not for my friend, I don’t think I’d ever leave the house, except to run errands and work. She forces me to ‘people’.
And now I’ve had a couple of polystyrene cups of coffee and am in a better mood. Chatted some more with Glaucoma Man sweetly since my good nature finally woke up.
And now that he’s gone I’m scanning the room and wishing my clothes were dry and folded.
(Also very glad not to have anyone in my comfort bubble.)
Anyway, Happy Valentines Day to all of you and here’s wishing you love, sweetness and no grocery store shovey people!
Completely smitten with all you kittens that read my blog this weekend. Thank you.
But, I don’t want you thinking I’m always dark.
I’m the girl who will crack up out of nowhere remembering something funny.
I’m the girl who comes home and is SO grateful for everything I have, as modest as it is, and also grateful for everything I don’t have.
I was gob smacked when I arrived home tonight to a package by the gate.
It was from a dear friend who somehow still likes me.
I have been selfish. I have.
Or – I have not had the funds/energy/right mind to reciprocate.
And yet, my friends still love me.
I seriously don’t know why.
I sit worrying about EVERYTHING. Health care, a lasting job, ‘enough’, the ‘unforeseeable’, life in general. And I’ll tell you, everything I’ve worried about so far, HAS come true. Am I projecting? Or am I just sensible?
Butters’ injury – saw that coming.
And now my teeth hurt – saw that coming.
Lacking in funds for emergencies – KNEW that was coming lol.
And yet, every morning, I wake and am SO glad that I did.
Because I know there are thousands, no, millions of people who would give anything to have MY problems.
I love my life.
I ADORE my life.
I try to stay in the moment – then get caught up in ‘what if’s’
But sensible – yes.
So, I’m a sensible pessimist. LOL!
I know what cards life has already dealt me and when things were tough, I DID fight through. To the point that my son told me “I don’t worry about you, because you survive.”
I wish he knew how much that took – and at what price.
But – that gift today. Oh my. Someone still thinking of me and loving me? I needed that.
And I love you ‘elf Ann’
I hit an emotional bottom last night.
Just too much going on in the world.
Too much going on in my heart and head.
Too much going on in my immediate circle – people passing, friends and family being ill or broken with this and that. Plus my own recent health scare.
Miss ‘I can live alone’ also has to come to terms with the fact that, approaching 50, and having lost the one person I could imagine sitting in a rocking chair next to, that I may very well BE living alone in my ‘golden years.’
They’ve recently built an ‘assisted living’ home across the street from where I work. Next door to us is the administration building. I see people bringing their elderly relatives to discuss housing – knowing once they’re there, that’s it.
They gingerly enter and I want to wrap them all up in cotton wool. The sadness on their faces – it is my undoing. But, it’s a great facility. They’ll be cared for and nourished mentally, emotionally and physically.
There’s to be no assisted living for me.
Let’s face it, I can’t even afford to procure health care right now for the issues I DO have. God forbid something catastrophic happen.
I’m scared of being alone.
I’m scared that I have no nest egg.
I’m scared to die – and, I’m scared I haven’t been ‘good enough.’
Last night I reached out – because my thoughts became very dark.
I needed to hear that I made a difference in some lives. That I was loved.
I needed it like I need oxygen.
Luckily, I’m very picky on my Facebook and so when I do reach out – or if I am a total idiot, I’m accommodated/forgiven depending on what I’ve posted.
I have wonderful friends.
I need to make a point of telling them more often!
I don’t want to eulogize loved ones when they’re gone. I think people deserve to hear how special they are and what a difference they make in my life while they’re still able to hear it.
Anyway, I needed to hear my eulogy.
Because last night, I wasn’t feeling loved.
I wasn’t feeling ‘good’.
I wasn’t feeling important.
I was feeling completely broken, beaten and hopeless.
I was feeling lost and abandoned.
I was feeling used and discarded.
I was feeling like I wanted to be – done.
Just … done.
Please know, these were just feelings … I treasure my life. But the feelings were so intense they scared me.
And so – this is why I reached out.
My post said this:
“You know how we have an impact on someone’s life and don’t even know it? I need to know it tonight. Not ‘fishing’ straight up asking, have I, and in what way, had any sort of impact in your life? I need this. I don’t need complete kudos – I just want to know – if I was in anyway ‘good’. Just trust that I’m asking for a good reason – and please don’t ask why. X”
My friends came through for me.
I was given ‘virtual’ love that I so desperately needed.
I was validated.
I was lifted.
And I was not questioned.
I was eulogized and … it made me feel alive.
I saw glimpses of myself that I forgot existed.
I remembered moments shared with far away friends that had faded from memory.
I felt warmth and love.
I felt and still feel, SUCH gratitude for the amazing people who took the time to give me their time when I truly needed it.
I am a blessed woman.
Still hurting … but not feeling so alone.
I am so glad I put my pride aside and spoke up.