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Of Love and Uncertainty

I haven’t mused from the laundromat for a while – and that’s been odd.  My weekends have been filled, to my delight.

When I DO go, I do try to be there when my laundry lady is there also.  She told me I was missed.

I believe her, because I miss her too.  The routine – the ‘regulars’.  But I wouldn’t trade another Sunday there for what I have now.

 

I’ll start with this, I’ve been so happy lately that even my son, (who has moved again across country and who I haven’t seen since January 6th of this year) has commented on it.

Keep in mind, our chats have been minimal and our communications brief.  So, it’s a pretty big deal that he sees a change in me.

My heart is more peaceful, my anxiety lessened.  I smile more – I treasure moments no matter how fleeting.  I’ve been exploring, forcing myself out of my comfort zone.  Doing things to make someone else happy and in making the effort, found myself happier too.

Life has taken a turn and whether it’s for a reason, a season or a lifetime – I’m just very glad it happened.

And yet, I still find myself waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop’.

As if I’m not worthy of a happy ending.  Or, just so used to not expecting one that the possibility is absurd.

I think the more I let go and the more I trust that I can pinch myself and not wake up, the less I’ll be waiting for things to go wrong.

I’m still also painfully aware at how brief and unpredictable life can be.

I’ll be participating in a 3K walk to benefit my sweet friend with stage 4 cancer on Saturday.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of her.

Every visit is cherished.

I find myself wanting to curl up next to her and just … be.  Of course, it hurts her too much to move or be bumped or even to hug.  So, her toes are mine.  I gently rub her feet in some attempt to offer comfort where I know I can’t.

I think I’ve been living for her lately too.

Pushing myself with the ever-present thought, ‘She would LOVE to be able to do this!’  I’m not just talking about adventures.  It’s the little things like,  getting out of bed, standing in the shower, dressing myself.  Standing in line at a store!  (I WILL give you the lecture if I hear you complain you know – “You realize there are some people who would give ANYTHING to be in this line?!”)

I  especially thought of her when it was finally cool enough to join the man who has my heart in the desert.  She would have given anything to sit where I sat after navigating a climb.  She would have been in just as much awe of the view as I was and welcoming the sweet sleepiness that was sure to follow that night.

So there it is.

My life at the moment.

Filled with hope and also with impending sadness.

Certainty and uncertainty.

Immense joy knowing that I am capable of such love now and willing to offer it with no expectations.

To them both.

Knowing that losing either of them is going to break my heart.  And yet, knowing them for however long I have makes it most definitely worth it.

 

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Musings from the Laundromat: Looking & Changing edition

It’s been weeks since ‘the flood’ and weeks since I’ve written.

Today I’m rushing laundry as a handyman is to meet me at my disheveled home @ 9 a.m.

Of course, the laundromat did not open early today as Murphy’s law would have it.

‘Handyman’ is going to ‘look’ at the damage and other repairs that I’ve requested so many times.

Look.

If one more person looks and does not DO – I’m going to have to put my foot down.

I say that, but I’m not confrontational.

I did however, stand up for Muslims and others while stuck outside listening to Glaucoma man rant and rave.

A rare photo of him – he’s the one in the Hawaiian shirt.

The other gentleman was also a source of anger for Glaucoma man as he was let in before us.

I don’t care, but jeez did HE take it personally.  I told him to calm down as Laundry Lady came to unlock the front door.  She didn’t need any of his venom.

Other than laundry and handymen and my interactions here – life has been … Different lately.

Work is changing – two of the original owners are leaving to enjoy their lives together and travel.  They will be missed.

I turned 48 and decided that I, too, needed to make some changes.

That’s been difficult.  Whenever there are others involved it’s a painful process.

But as I think of my friend in the hospital and I hear news of people my age suddenly passing of late – it’s very clear to me that none of us are promised tomorrow and it’s time to start soaking up each day.

I’m seeking peace for myself.  And while I feel selfish doing so, no one else is going to find that for me.

Clearly no handyman – they’ll just keep coming around and ‘looking’ at damage and making appointments to return some day.

Musings from the Laundromat: Flood edition

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mama’s, Single Dads, Grandparents and Fur Baby  Moms.

I’m beginning my day at the laundromat (obviously) and guess who is here?

Glaucoma Man!

I haven’t seen him in months.

Now let’s get down to the wonderful (there is no sarcasm font) week I have had.

_____________________________

Monday I woke to an extra sound in the house.

A hissing of sorts.  I quickly concluded that it probably wasn’t a rattle snake.  I mean, they’re not called ‘hissing snakes’ are they?

The more my senses woke up with me, the more I knew what the noise was.

I leaped out of bed and followed the sound.

Sure enough, my main bathroom was under at least an ankle depth of water.

I tried to turn off the water at the toilet, but calcium build up would not allow that.

So, outside I went to the main.

I returned inside and assessed the situation.

FUN FACT:  Rugs usually don’t reflect when photographed – unless they’re completely under water.

Completely full garbage can – sitting in the ankle deep water (that a lotion bottle lid floating on top FYI.)

Of course it also reached outside.

My only reprieve (again, REALLY need sarcasm font) is that the majority of the water had found it’s way into my air conditioner vent.  *sigh*

Funny thing about suddenly not having indoor plumbing or running water is:

a)  I immediately wanted to go to the bathroom and

b) Was suddenly very thirsty for a glass of water.  Never mind that I had juice in the fridge.

All of this at 6 a.m.  All of this on the morning of a day I REALLY needed to be at work.

BUT!  Life had other plans, as it usually does.

I called property management and my boss and spent the next hour fielding calls from various workmen and companies.

Ran to the store to buy bottled water so I could at least brush my teeth and give my freaked out pup fresh hydration.

Fast forward.

Eventually the cavalry arrived and I had six – SIX men in my house (none of whom were the plumber.)

A handy man, two restoration men, my maintenance property manager and an A/C guy.  Wait, that’s only five.  Gawd only knows who the sixth man was.

Machines began appearing, trucks revved outside, Butters was losing her mind.

The crowd started to dwindle and then the plumber showed.

He managed to slither in between the restoration equipment and fix the leak.

The aftermath …

Base boards gone …

Oh, there they are.

Containment area

Which, I later had some fun with.  That’s me doing the ‘human centipede’ poster reenactment. (Yes, I have a shirt on – it was a  flesh colored tank.)

And, now here’s a little video for you.

FYI: I did make it into work, after a quick shower.  It made for a long day.

The machines are STILL running – which renders my shampoo and conditioner HOT in the bottle – and taking a shower feels like mission impossible on the surface of the sun.

Everytime I enter the zipped area I have visions of toasters falling into bathtubs.  That may have something to do with the light headed feeling of the shower/sauna.

Tomorrow may be the day all equipment exits my home – in the mean time, poor Butters probably should have been on Prozac.

We’re almost there Butters, we’re almost there.

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Relaxing Flu Edition.

I knew I wanted to relax this weekend – didn’t realize how adamant my body was going to be about that happening.

I woke Friday to two lovely surprises.

1) A visibly swollen neck, sore throat, headache and fever

2) I’m not pregnant.  (Not that there was a possibility, but found that the least offensive way to put it for you.)

Went to work and really hung in there, if hanging in there means occasionally putting my head on my desk and mouth breathing.

Somehow got everything done and finally couldn’t ‘hang’ anymore.  I tapped out at 2, came home and hit my bed so hard there may be charges brought against me.

I can’t remember the last time I slept so much!

Well, intermittent sleep anyway.  Had anyone watched me Friday night they may have drawn the conclusion I was kicking heroin.

You know, that lovely ‘fever fidget’ mode?  Hot, cold, legs kicking – moaning.

The flu is no joke!

So I wake up Saturday feeling like I’d biked the Tour de France and realized I still had to adult.

I had no medicine, no more juice.

I called my mom (feeling pathetic) hoping she could shop for me.  I didn’t reach her and sat and debated.

Do I take my virus out into the world?  That would be selfish.  But, I needed provisions and my fairy godmother wasn’t flying in any windows with aid.

So, I went.

My eyes looked like Gilbert Godfried with a shellfish reaction.  My face pale, sans makeup – mouth lolling open like a zombie.

Safe to say no one hindered me during my excursion.

I grabbed meds, soup and lots of juice and headed back home.

Lots of movies watched me this weekend – but two I DID stay awake for were Bridget Jones’s Baby and A Street Cat Named Bob.  The latter was genius.

I don’t want to give anything away, but there is a scene tha mirrors something I described earlier.

Anyway, I highly recommend this movie – if you have Netflix, you can find it there.  It was a book first, based on these two:

So, now I’m at the laundromat.

And it would have been SO easy to not have come.

Especially when I arrived and there were people waiting outside and the door was not open.

But, my sheets and pillowcase needed washing – after two days of soaking up my germs.

And once I saw that the WIFI was actually working, I made myself stay and wait so that I could write to you.

I’ll be crawling back into bed after I make it up with these fresh linens and put my clean clothes away – and finding another movie to watch me.

And, I can say that I have successfully accomplished what I set out to do this weekend no?  Just – maybe next time, it can be by choice.

 

Musings from the Laundromat: Conquering Hermit Status & KISS edition.

It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve sat at the laundromat.  Not for lack of trying.  Came 2 weeks ago – but no one showed.  But today, I’m here and in a show of solidarity, the WIFI is actually working!

So!  Let’s catch you up.

I’ve been ‘peopling’ in an effort to throw myself out of the house and beat this anxiety/agoraphobia stuff.

Last Saturday night I was to attend my bosses house for a small party with dinner and drinks.

Let’s just say, it ended with me bleeding and spending the week applying neosporin to the scrape above my cut and swollen upper lip.  May or may not have fractured my nose too – Super tender and I woke up last night to it bleeding again.

But, as they say, if you’re going to have too many beverages, it should be at your bosses house.

Said NO ONE EVER!

I called my boss in the morning and was assured I wasn’t inappropriate and that everyone had a great time.  The ‘incident’ occurred when she and I were outside waiting for my taxi.

She left me unattended for a brief moment to flag said taxi down, in which time, I managed to get out of my chair, lose my balance, break a fall with my face and stand up again.  See, this is why they hired me!  Excellent time management!

*Sigh*

Last night was a long anticipated concert that my mum managed to get tickets for.

KISS.

Now, I don’t know all of their songs, I’m not going to lie.  But the ones I know, I enjoy.  And KISS is such an iconic band that you really have to say “YES! I would love to see them” when asked.

She had 2 tickets, and with my bird out of the nest I didn’t really have anyone to take.

She decided to give the other ticket to a friend of hers who really wanted to go.  Then didn’t.

I met up with her at a casino she was staying at and received my ticket.

She mentioned that the other guy wasn’t going – but that she would walk with me to the venue.  (There’s no parking at this particular event center – it’s either take a shuttle or hoof it.)

We began walking and I started to get a tad nervous about how large the event was.

The seat assignment on my ticket soothed me however, front and center, 6 rows back!

We approached my destination and she stood with me in the line for security.

“What are you going to do with the other ticket?”

“Oh, it’s claimed.”  She replied.

“Mum, you can go, I’ll be ok.  You need to get back and get the ticket to the person so they don’t miss the start.”

“It’s ok.”

She kept walking with me and suddenly we were both at security and she was being scanned.

“You’re coming with me?!?!!!”

SURPRISE!

Did NOT see that one coming.

“You owe me big time.  I’m sacrificing myself for this.”

As it turned out – she had a blast.  As did I.  Seats were amazing, show was fantastic.

“Which ones are the originals?”

“Which ones are my age?”

Lots of questions – then much standing and dancing and singing along.

 

 

 

 

 

A great deal of that confetti landed in my top – in my bra – in my purse and in my eye. LOL!

I’ve heard a lot of negative comments about Paul’s voice, but I’ll tell you that live he sounded amazing.  Of course he’s not going to sound like he did decades ago – but they all performed incredibly!

We walked back to her casino (and my car) hand in hand.

“Look at us – like when you were little – only, now I’m the small one.”

A small firecracker!  Who went to see a band she had no interest in seeing to spend time with me.

This getting out and about thing may leave me with bruises sometimes – but I’m conquering my fears and making memories.

I hope for many more.