I was excited!
I was sure!
I was making room for another – and in all the insanity of removing 1/2 my life from my small home, it didn’t dawn on me right away that I was also …
As comfortable as I was with my man – everything was about to change.
My routine would now include another.
And let’s face it, some of those routines have no room for another.
How was I going to use the bathroom?? How was I going to get through an entire night without ‘noises’ and I’m not talking about snoring.
How was I going to look as presentable as I did on Skype first thing in the morning?
There was maybe a week of ‘awkward’ as we both found our footing. He, learning to be ‘at home’ in a strange environment. Me, learning to be ‘at home’ with someone sharing it with me.
But then … everything just clicked into place.
If you’re living with the right person, things do fall into place.
Also, everything I was SO sure I NEEDED in a relationship (personal space, time apart, separate interests etc.) proved not to be so.
My DVR is piling up with shows I religiously watched B.J. <– ‘Before Jim’ (what did you THINK I meant?)
My living room rarely sees me anymore, (it startles now when I enter it) – the couch has forgotten what it’s like to have me nap on it.
Netflix is feeling pretty superior lately though. It’s getting a LOT of attention in our bedroom, and sometimes, it get’s ignored/paused.
But it doesn’t mind.
Then there’s the animals.
This was a recent post of Jim’s on Facebook:
We’ve found our rhythm … our groove.
It helps that we have so much in common. It helps that we have history. It helps that we’re friends. It helps that we actually love each other. It helps that we both have a similar sense of humor and it definitely helps that we laugh … A LOT.
Onto the things I’ve learned … and I’ll get a little serious here:
- Men like to be spooned too! You can’t always be the little spoon. He’s chosen you to spend his life with – men need to feel adored, appreciated, cherished and loved as much as you do!
- You think your partner is beautiful sleeping, waking up, with food on their t-shirt etc. right? They feel the same way. And if they don’t – maybe you should reconsider your partner. Confidence and a smile go a lot further than lipstick any day!
- Too tired? Not feeling 100%? You are your partners one and only – and if they’re ‘desiring’ you, thank your lucky stars and be available. Of course, if you’re really exhausted or unwell, they’re going to understand and if they don’t – again – maybe you should reconsider your partner.
- Something bothering you? BRING IT UP! But, only after you make sure it’s an actual ‘bother’ and worth ‘bothering’ about. I learned this after bringing something up that probably I shouldn’t have. But, hey – live and learn.
- Say “Please” and “Thank You” Don’t take the love of your life for granted!
- Do things your partner will want to thank you for!
- Maintain SOME mystery … especially girls. OK, we know we’re all human – and have the same physical needs – and I’m guilty of NOT doing this in past relationships. No we’re not perfect windless Princesses – but waltzing into the bathroom while your man is shaving and readying yourself to evacuate your bowels is NOT SEXY. No it’s not. And I’m not going to even GOOGLE what probably is a niche that does find it so. *Shudder*
I know I’m going to make mistakes – I know there will be days he’s less enchanted with me. I know I may forget to say ‘Thank You’ from time to time – but I’m really going to try to remember my own advice, because it’s important to me. HE Is important to me. WE are important to me!
This is it. January 14th, 2015.
Who has had to wonder?
If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”
Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.
Today is my best day ever.
Let’s start with the shocking announcement.
So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day for a game I like to play at night. All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.
I got a ‘ding!’
It was a Facebook announcement.
A life event even.
I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep. I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.
You need to know this.
So … I have been editing myself lately.
Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.
James D. Foster. Remember him? Look up Drawing the Invisible.
This guy was one of my best friends in the college days. And, had a crush on me.
And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.
He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.
I loved him from day one.
I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.
I did not know.
We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote. He illustrated. He is a fucking AMAZING artist.
One very horrible night – he was beside me. And wrote poems. He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.
Then we lost touch.
This was the 80’s.
I NEVER stopped thinking about him. Not ever. Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER. I searched for him because …
Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?
But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him. But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!
I found him.
Through an Ex.
He was friends with him.
(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)
(FYI: The pic? I have the Iron Man ring on. I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)
When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.
I didn’t expect more than that. I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life. And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time. My friend? He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.
Timing – definitely off.
Long story short.
Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer. And my friend honestly loves his best friend.
Which, I admire. I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me. Right?
But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.
Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.
He gets that I have no filter.
He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.
He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!
I was sent home today, by my work family. Because I am seriously pretty sick. Seriously under the weather. And I love them for that.
So I also got to see Nic. He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.
He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.
That natural 20? Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)
I was so happy.
We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)
I was happy anyway, let’s face it. But having my son onboard? C’mon.
I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked. We pulled off the quality time.
So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.
The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!
Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.
Today … is my favorite day.
And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.
And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it. See … dreams DO come true. x
For as many topics as I’ve shared that have a tinge of sadness, you should know that I have the exuberance of a goofy dog who just heard “walk?” when it comes to happy matters of the heart.
It’s beyond exuberance – and after the initial high (compare it to that of a 4-year-old having consumed an entire pillow case full of Halloween candy) I have to remember that I live in the real world, and not everyone is on the same page as me.
I worry sometimes that my eagerness and energy might scare something precious away.
I take everything to the nth degree. I do.
I read too much into things people say – I chastise myself too much for things I say.
Constantly apologizing for not filtering or editing.
I just don’t play games you know?
If I’m in, I’m IN. Not just my feet. After having taken a dive, I’m up over my head and already finding new ways to move in the water. Waving and yelling at those on the sidelines “Come in!!! It’s awesome!”
I’m a handful.
You say one thing to me and I’ve dissected it and run at least 20 scenarios from it.
Friends that know me and start to say “Have you considered …” will stop, because of course they know I have.
Considered it, riffed off of it and have a Rolodex of other thoughts that spawned off of that one.
But the great thing is they rein me in a bit and try to help me focus like a grown up.
I’m also a hopeless romantic, in spite of the fact that I am still sans Prince. And in spite of the fact that I will go to my grave saying “I don’t need anyone.” When really, we all need someone. It just has to be the right someone.
I’ve joked in the past about a poor clerk checking me out (yeah, both ways – at once) and I’ve already played our whole life out in the time it took him to scan my few items and before I’ve even paid, we’ve broken up. In my head.
But the thing of it is – I can trust my gut.
In the past, I let myself ride the high knowing it wasn’t going to work out – because damn it, sometimes you just need to FEEL that hope right?
Now I’m finding myself cautious and turning my volume down from an 11 to maybe a 4 … because my gut says I need to.
And Ms. No Filter is going to filter. And not say anything more about that.
Why oh why did I watch Jerry McGuire?
I have always hated that line “You complete me.”
I’ve shared my opinion that you can’t possibly have much to offer another person, if you don’t come to them already ‘complete’.
And to some degree I still believe that.
But when I’m sitting on my purple couch, sniffing at a romantic movie, my heart swelling and my chest tightening – I have to acknowledge that there is a part of me that wants that – or that is at the very least, touched by the sentiment.
Last night, I went to perform my side job – cleaning the offices – and as I put the mop bucket down, and reached under the sink to gather garbage bags and cleaner, I turned to face the break room table.
Cinderella moment or what?
Friday, someone in the office received a small arrangement of flowers. They weren’t from a romantic interest, I believe they were from a customer – but none the less, there sat the flowers.
Sweet, small, blushing daisies.
Alone on the table for a 3 day weekend.
I felt a twinge of sadness. I would never leave my flowers behind. The thought behind them and every petal, would come home with me.
I have protested too much over the past few years about how I feel about love.
I have lied.
I have said I’ve never been in love. I don’t know if I told myself that for so long that I started to believe it – or if I had to believe it. But said it I have, and multiple times.
“I don’t need a man.” That’s true … to a degree.
I don’t need a man to feel good about myself, to provide for myself and my family.
But the part of me that sniffed at the movie earlier needs love.
Then I sat here and thought for a while about what that means to me.
I can’t know what is right or ‘normal’ for others – but I know what my heart wants.
And I will not settle for anything less.
I want to be courted. I want to feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I want to be the first thing the man who loves me thinks of when he wakes up, and the last thing he thinks about at night.
I need that.
I give that – so I don’t feel like I’m expecting too much not wanting to be an after thought.
As for the fairy tale ending … I deserve it.
I’ve fought that notion for years too.
I’ve had my mind changed.
I deserve nothing less.
My fairy tale ending may not come from a book – but it is written in my heart.
My prince will laugh with me. He will ask ‘how was your day’. He will listen to me. He will understand that I like time alone, time to read, time to write. He will encourage my passions and will think that they are important.
My prince will know that I say too much – think too much – and still love me. He will know me well enough to understand who I really am.
And I won’t love him because I need to be complete. And I won’t love him because I can’t be alone.
I will love him because he will have earned it. My trust, my lust … my secrets, my heart.
I’ll laugh with him, ask him ‘how was your day’, listen to him. I will understand that he likes time alone – time to pursue his interests. I will encourage him and know that what he cares about is important.
And when he says too much, or thinks too much – I will still love him.
I will know with my heart who he really is and understand him.
I will share the most important thing I have to give – my life.
Well, well, well.
Once again, the universe responded to my venting with a loving, ‘why do you keep forgetting that you are not forgotten?!’ moment.
I don’t know how many more of them I get – so I should probably fix whatever it is that needs fixing before I use them all up.
After the dam broke, I flailed a little in the deluge of feelings until I came up for air gasping.
Having purged onto my blog – I found the motivation to check on dinner. I was plating when my dog started barking – unable to ‘nose’ her way out, I left the kitchen to open the front door for her.
She startled as a friend of mine came walking in.
(This gives me pause for thought by the way – Butters the Brave is never going to be inscribed on her collar. Any serial killers out there should probably know that they have safe passage into my house simply by stepping around the barking manatee – could you just not wake me up to kill me? Thanks.)
I didn’t startle.
This is the sort of friend that does just walk in. And I like it.
I compared her after our chat to Batman. (okay, mostly I was chatting and she was listening – which was just what I needed)
Only better – because I never have to put a signal up into the sky – she just seems to know when I need her. She’s like a Jedi friend. She senses a disturbance in the force and just shows up.
“I came to check on you – you didn’t look good Monday.”
Did I mention she also doesn’t pull any punches?
She had come into the office on business, shortly after I had been on the curb trying to steady my heart and my breathing and regain the vision in my right eye.
We had stood around the candy bowl in the reception area and chatted for a little while.
Last night we reenacted that scene – only on my couches with my little candy bowl between us.
It was sweet.
(Sorry – couldn’t resist)
After I purged and she listened – occasionally offering insight – I felt so much better.
But what I noticed was that I have the hardest time orally. I can never adequately sum up what is running through my odd little head when it comes to speaking.
My mind is trying to process what it is I’m thinking and feeling and why, the whole time I’m trying to form a sentence!
And I just can’t ever find the right words.
I’m analyzing everything that I know I want to say, before I say it.
This results in me being 10 thoughts ahead of the one that I started to convey when I opened my mouth. It’s bonkers. I get tongue-tied.
I was reminded of my poem Mute.
The most wonderful thing about thinking out loud to a friend is that the problems start to loosen and all the confusing knots start to get worked out. Friends are like combs.
I couldn’t put my finger on exactly WHAT was the source of my sadness – but we got closer.
I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating: Unless I acknowledge what’s bothering me – examine it and find a solution – it’s not going to go away. And I don’t grow.
Constantly stuffing my feelings and ignoring problems with a fake smile – doesn’t get me anywhere and only results in more tangles.
Another friend, who just returned from Germany (God I missed her!) sent me a quote today that I loved.
“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee” – William H. Walton.
And not just for grudges. To carry a fear or any unresolved issue will eventually diminish your capacity to live your life to the fullest and eat away at your serenity.
So what have I learned this time?
- I don’t have to be alone. I choose it – I need to choose to let people in
- Butters is a useless guard dog
- Candy bowls make for great conversation center pieces
- I need to work on my verbal communication skills
- No more stuffing my feelings
And most importantly, I have the most amazing friends.
Now, if I had antibiotics for my ears, I’d be golden.