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Pressing Mute (But still playing in my head)

For as many topics as I’ve shared that have a tinge of sadness, you should know that I have the exuberance of a goofy dog who just heard “walk?” when it comes to happy matters of the heart.

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It’s beyond exuberance – and after the initial high (compare it to that of a 4-year-old having consumed an entire pillow case full of Halloween candy) I have to remember that I live in the real world, and not everyone is on the same page as me.

I worry sometimes that my eagerness and energy might scare something precious away.

I take everything to the nth degree. I do.

I read too much into things people say – I chastise myself too much for things I say.

Constantly apologizing for not filtering or editing.

I just don’t play games you know?

If I’m in, I’m IN. Not just my feet. After having taken a dive, I’m up over my head and already finding new ways to move in the water.  Waving and yelling at those on the sidelines “Come in!!! It’s awesome!”

I’m a handful.

Seriously.

You say one thing to me and I’ve dissected it and run at least 20 scenarios from it.

Tangent QUEEN.

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Friends that know me and start to say “Have you considered …” will stop, because of course they know I have.

Considered it, riffed off of it and have a Rolodex of other thoughts that spawned off of that one.

Yup.

But the great thing is they rein me in a bit and try to help me focus like a grown up.

I’m also a hopeless romantic, in spite of the fact that I am still sans Prince. And in spite of the fact that I will go to my grave saying “I don’t need anyone.” When really, we all need someone. It just has to be the right someone.

I’ve joked in the past about a poor clerk checking me out (yeah, both ways – at once) and I’ve already played our whole life out in the time it took him to scan my few items and before I’ve even paid, we’ve broken up. In my head.

But the thing of it is – I can trust my gut.

In the past, I let myself ride the high knowing it wasn’t going to work out – because damn it, sometimes you just need to FEEL that hope right?

Now I’m finding myself cautious and turning my volume down from an 11 to maybe a 4 … because my gut says I need to.

And Ms. No Filter is going to filter. And not say anything more about that.

For now.

For The Longest Time

I’ve been under going a transformation. 

I won’t compare it to that of a caterpillar to a butterfly … but rather a snake shedding its skin.

Outgrowing my old, dull, scarred protective layer and using every muscle to pull free – brushing up against rough things to shed that final piece.

What has emerged is raw, sensitive, achingly new and wonderful.

I have a twinkle in my eye.  A secret smile.  A feeling of hope – and promise.

 

Taylor James

Taylor James

________________

I sat outside earlier and watched the last of the suns rays playing with the cloud cover … a breeze moved my long hair.  I was glad in that moment I had not decided to cut it.

Billy Joel drifted to me from a nearby houseI’m that voice you’re hearing in the hall …”  I exhaled – closed my eyes.  I felt in that moment, beautiful.

I felt that I was enough.

That I was awakening.

I haven’t been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart

I seem to have suddenly gone from ‘what will I be?’ to ‘I know just who I am.’  And the woman in me approves.

My inner goddess that craves touch – intimacy – interaction and laughter has been given the green-light by the cautious, anxious mother in me.

It’s my turn.

Now I know the woman that you are
You’re wonderful so far
And it’s more that I hoped for

I thought this newly emerged ‘me’ was my secret – but she’s not.  Others have noticed.  That I’m smiling more.  Laughing more.  Being bolder and have a glow to me.

I’m spending more time with friends – noticing the opposite sex.

I’m completely and delightfully aware that anything is possible.  And giving myself permission to explore that.

I don’t care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things

And I haven’t felt that for the longest time.

 

Happy AND marshmallows

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I am so completely happy today.

This morning began at work with a video call that brought such amazing news.  I tried very hard to pay attention, but it’s hard to do when looking at someone who is one of your favorite people on the planet.

You would think that would be enough happy for the day (and it is – more than enough.)  But, today was also Thanksgiving feast day at work.

All day long the smell of roast turkey permeated every corner of the office.

I probably heard ‘Oh my God, that smell is making me so hungry!’ at least half a dozen times as people passed by my room.  I was responsible for another six of those comments.

When it finally came time to sit down together – like the family we are – plates were piled high.

Everyone had brought a dish (except me, I volunteered to clean up afterward.)

I made an amazing discovery as I took my first forkful.

Marshmallow goes with EVERYTHING!

The candied yams had mingled with the pasta – zucchini – turkey – cranberries and mashed potatoes.

The Ghostbusters were on to something.

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Seriously.

There wasn’t anything on my plate that wasn’t elevated to a new and amazing level with the sticky sweet marshmallow on it.

So my day ended the way it began – very sweet.

And now, as I told my friends, I’m rolling around the house like a bloated tick.  Stuffed and happy and smiling.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

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Awake

My usual ‘Musings from the Laundromat’ will be written from home, as they’re not open yet.

I’ve been up since just before 5 O’Clock thanks to Butters, my restless bedroom companion.  3 times last night she wanted to go outside … just to bark at something and hang out on the porch.  And that was a good night.

So here I am, sleepy, but happy and trying to find the words to describe the past week.  I’m not sure I can.

‘Awake’ is a good start.

buddhaawake

Haven’t been sleeping much … but the way I see it, if I’m blessed to be very old one day, I’ll look back and smile at experiences, not the time I spent asleep. 

Besides, my mind is wide awake.  As is my heart is and my soul.

A series of connections and coincidences keep occurring.

It is as if all the intangibles that have made me who I am, ancestry, music, beliefs, memories, words I’ve read, places I’ve been – have found their counterpoint.

I’ve always liked to think that when I experience Déjà vu it is a sign that I am right where I am meant to be. But I have not experienced anything like this past week before.

No sense that something has happened before, only that it was meant to.

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Graduation

I drove away from the event center last night where my son had just graduated, alone.  

I had a Gwen Stefani CD in the CD player and I felt a shift as the coin of acceptance dropped and I belted out “Ain’t no Hollaback Girl” along with Gwen.

Everything felt just … right.

Nic left the event with his girlfriend, my parents left together and I left with a smile on my face.

I have been so scared of the rapid changes in the dynamics of my relationship with Nic this past year!  I needn’t have been.

Here I was worrying about where I would fit in his life.  Here (Literally right here) I was worrying whether or not I’d done enough for him – done the right things by him.

Then, in the parking lot right after graduation, he picked my mom up in a hug and then shook my dads hand, and POOF!  The worry dissipated.

I mentally dusted my hands with a ‘well, that’s-that then’ resolve, and a peace settled in.

It was sort of  like hearing your little one say “thank you” without being prompted for the first time, or seeing them hold the door open for someone (Okay, I still feel a surge of  pride when he does those things.) 

In a single moment, I glimpsed Nic, the young man, and I was simultaneously proud of him and awash with an odd sensation of freedom.  Freedom from worry.

When I got home, (after uploading a bazillion photos to my ipad and managing to blow my icloud memory out of the sky)  I had a little time alone to reflect. 

And in reflecting I was SO grateful! 

I thought about all the people who had a hand, directly or indirectly, in raising my son with me. 

Yes, I’m a single mom, but a whole slew of people have been instrumental in the successful rearing of my child.  (And now I’m cracking up thinking of the quote from ‘Knocked Up’: Jay: I’m going to be there to rear your child. Jason: You hear that, Ben? Don’t let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!)

I was completely filled with appreciation and memories.  Gratitude and love.

I wanted to thank every single person individually.  There are people who don’t even realize how much of an impact they had on my journey as a mom. 

So I try to tell people who touch my life that they have.  I try to remember to thank and acknowledge the people I love, the people who love me back – and the people who love Nic.

And in that moment, when Nic had my mother in his arms – and my dads hand in his – I knew he was doing the same thing.

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