Love is in the air.
Not just because it was Valentines Day yesterday …
I’m sat across from the man of my dreams who is currently and aptly, sporting a Superman t-shirt.
He’s already dropped a pair of his underwear on the floor, on purpose – to honor the tradition. You’ve gotta love a man willing to do that.
He’s also currently chatting to one of the laundromat patrons. Talking about Idaho. Just as chatty as I am with strangers. (I will insist he does not accept the man’s candy though.)
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
We’ve spent our time together doing what we both do best. Nerding out. Countless Marvel movies … Walking Dead (that I saved until he arrived.)
Relaxing and catching up.
This is the man I loved 25 years ago – when he was still a young man. And the things we laughed about then, and the rapport we had then, hasn’t changed.
But it has too – in the best of ways. Because we’re ‘grown-ups’ now (I use that term loosely.)
And because the things we’ve experienced and the growth we’ve both gone through, has enabled us to be complete people sharing ourselves with one another.
Picking him up from the airport:
I was exhausted, having stayed up WAY too late, with the crazy idea I would sleep in the next day. I never can sleep in, so why I thought that night/morning was any different is beyond me. But I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve and sleep was the last thing on my mind.
After picking up the rental car, and since I was so tired, actually purchasing the insanely priced insurance – I was on the road. With Nic next to me.
All went well until we reached actual traffic – and to say I had a panic attack would be putting it mildly. I tried to breathe as Nic tried not to tell me how terrified he was to be in the passenger seat at that moment.
(He would tell me later, in no uncertain terms.)
In the terminal – waiting by the passenger pick up area, with coffee in hand, I was beside myself with anticipation.
After Skyping, over 6,000 IM’s … would I still be someone he would want to be with??
The minute I laid eyes on him, I knew for sure he was who I wanted to be with.
It was still my friend. In the flesh.
That first hug … I have no words. And the butterflies gave way to a peaceful, comfortable ‘home’ feeling.
Home is where we headed, Nic insisting he drive the car the rental company forbids anyone but me to drive.
“Mom, I’m better at this kind of traffic!”
I didn’t want us to die, so I caved.
Long story short, we got home safe.
Next, the ‘Butters’ introduction.
Went very well, TOO well, as she hasn’t left his side since he arrived. And everywhere we are, she wants to be.
He gave me socks. The best kind. Walking Dead knee highs and Iron Man. This man knows what I love. He also gave me a piece of our past – which I will treasure, always.
We went to breakfast and then watched True Romance – ordered pizza for dinner, relaxed until night came and went on the search for stars.
Probably that could have been planned better. We ended up on Route 66, in a patch of dirt staring up at the sky leaning against my car.
Gave up on that when nature called and headed further up until we reached an old mining town full of history and quaintness.
We found a little bar and I sipped a sprite as he enjoyed a beer while Zeppelin and the Doors filled the patio area.
Best Valentines Day ever.
But we know who I am. ‘Anxiety Girl’ has come out … as the days draw nearer to his departure, I’m filled with dread. You see, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it could BE like this.
And I’m terrified I will have experienced it and it will go away.
And no amount of faith I have in how true and real this love is seems to be able to assuage that feeling in my stomach. That fear.
I’ve never been this scared to lose something so important before. Nothing has mattered this much.
But I need to stay in the moment, enjoy every second. I’m making lifetime memories and want to be certain he has an amazing time.
And tonight, we will be walking along a river, with music in the air and laughing (as always) and I’ll try, try so hard not to think about him going home.
This is it. January 14th, 2015.
Who has had to wonder?
If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”
Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.
Today is my best day ever.
Let’s start with the shocking announcement.
So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day for a game I like to play at night. All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.
I got a ‘ding!’
It was a Facebook announcement.
A life event even.
I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep. I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.
You need to know this.
So … I have been editing myself lately.
Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.
James D. Foster. Remember him? Look up Drawing the Invisible.
This guy was one of my best friends in the college days. And, had a crush on me.
And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.
He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.
I loved him from day one.
I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.
I did not know.
We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote. He illustrated. He is a fucking AMAZING artist.
One very horrible night – he was beside me. And wrote poems. He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.
Then we lost touch.
This was the 80’s.
I NEVER stopped thinking about him. Not ever. Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER. I searched for him because …
Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?
But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him. But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!
I found him.
Through an Ex.
He was friends with him.
(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)
(FYI: The pic? I have the Iron Man ring on. I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)
When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.
I didn’t expect more than that. I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life. And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time. My friend? He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.
Timing – definitely off.
Long story short.
Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer. And my friend honestly loves his best friend.
Which, I admire. I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me. Right?
But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.
Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.
He gets that I have no filter.
He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.
He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!
I was sent home today, by my work family. Because I am seriously pretty sick. Seriously under the weather. And I love them for that.
So I also got to see Nic. He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.
He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.
That natural 20? Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)
I was so happy.
We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)
I was happy anyway, let’s face it. But having my son onboard? C’mon.
I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked. We pulled off the quality time.
So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.
The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!
Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.
Today … is my favorite day.
And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.
And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it. See … dreams DO come true. x
Gawd – I’m feeling the pressure to write some amazing year-end ‘blow your socks off’ post. No one is putting this on me – I’m quite capable of creating impossible real and imagined tasks all by myself.
So – I’ll just say this.
I have plans tomorrow.
(AND, there’s more, I reconnected with an old friend last night and we’re actually going to see each other … hopefully February!)
The way my plans went down was funny in a kind of sad but true way …
Friend: “We should go to dinner on New Years Eve”
Me: *Awkward ‘deer heard a leaf crunch’ stare*
Friend: “C’mon! You said you were going to do more”
Me: “I did things this year”
Friend: “Those things weren’t this year”
Me: “Yes they were!!! We did like, THREE things this year!!”
Friend: “No we didn’t”
Me: “Yup, dinner, tortoise ….”
Friend: “Oh, yeah I guess it was this year”
But how sad is it that ‘We already DID something this year’ was my go to excuse??? LOL!
Now I’m deciding what to wear …
Either this shirt:
Or this one??
Won’t much matter – it’s not like I’ll be counting down to midnight in it. We’re going to meet at the restaurant at 4:30. “That’s when OLD people eat!” she said … I just raised my eyebrows.
We’re not getting any younger.
Bonus, her adorable granddaughter is coming too – who is growing up WAY too fast, just like every other adorable baby ever born.
Speaking of adorable babies growing up too quickly … my son stopped by yesterday bearing gifts. No it wasn’t a baby.
(But he had me totally scared the other night when he ran to find me in the house and asked “What were you going to name me if I was a girl???” After I answered, he pounced off. I took a beat before pouncing after him “Wait!!!! You’re playing SIMS right??? Please tell me you’re playing SIMS!”)
ANYWAY! He brought me … Nerdvana! A Jesse Pinkman doll … an Abraham Series 6 Walking Dead doll and … A 6 FOOT POSTER OF DARYL DIXON!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!
I put it up last night. I was reminded of my teeny bopper days. I remember carefully removing the center fold of my Circus magazine and adding to my expansive wall décor … my long-haired loves. Mostly Nikki Sixx … Swoon! And Tom Keifer. Many staple related injuries were due to those two.
Last night a framed Ansel Adams moved aside for Daryl.
Then I decided to be silly with it … (this is why I can’t leave the house people … I am NOT normal!)
I posted this on Facebook with the caption: “I hate for you to see us arguing, but he did just bring up Carol!”
Listen, I’ll do the dinner tomorrow … but I think I’m only being fair when I give my friends an out. I cannot be held responsible for any oddness that may ensue at that early seating. LOL! May the force be with you Denice – you brought this on yourself.
And HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone! May 2015 be filled with love and light and laughter … wishing you all the very best always!
Ah!!! It was a lovely day today!!! I sported a sweater dress, boots and a smile.
So, here’s how I am ‘expanding’ (not my waist size).
I hope to add an accompanying video to most posts – with a little more ‘behind the scenes’ or commentary.
This blog is important to me. I love it. I love speaking to whomever reads it. And I’m not promoting the site – so, whoever finds it – finds it for a reason.
I’m also inviting those close to me to write as guest bloggers. The first being my mom!
She is a great writer, a great artist – and I got my sense of humor from her so …
Mum has written something and will be transcribing it from (4?) pages of yellow lined paper to a format I can share with you.
It will be good. I already know this.
As for the videos – I’m hoping I’ll get so good, we’ll eventually have stop-motion/voice over (NIC!) and fun fun stuff!
As for the last moments of ‘Show and Tell Tuesday’ hope you enjoy a brief relaxed intro into my nerd room. And yes, Butters makes an appearance or two – everyone LOVES Butters, she should seriously have her own blog. LOL!
I got up at the crack of dawn, full of Christmas spirit – okay, I lie. I was tired, had no coffee in the house and there was ice on my car.
Woke up to the best of my uncaffeinated ability and hit the town.
I’m not joking when I say the oil change I decided to get after the first shop, was the fastest errand of the bunch!
My first stop was at a home improvement store. I stood – like a total idiot – staring at aisle after aisle hoping what I had come for would leap out at me. Now, MOST home improvement stores offer over eager staff asking you ‘can I help you find something?’ – I must have been there too early for that shift.
Finally someone did notice my obvious ‘I need help’ body language and promptly directed me to a very close, very large end cap that held the thing I needed.
Crossed that off the list. “Do you have a Lowes card with us?” No I don’t. “Would you like one?” No I wouldn’t – this is the only time of the year I come here. “Oh, shopping for the husband?” Yeah, my invisible one. No – my dad. (Awkward look from the clerk) “Okay, Merry Christmas!”
Next store. I walked around for probably and hour. Finding a million things I would love to have that probably no one would imagine I would love to have. Walking Dead action figures … Big Bang Theory ‘magnetic dress up Sheldon’. Love the store. Anyway, I was making the staff nervous I think. I don’t think I look like a shop lifter? (If there is such a ‘shop lifting look’) but I did look confused and out-of-place. Maybe even bordering on ‘shifty’.
Someone finally got brave enough to approach me “Can I help you find something?” No, I’m waiting for something to find me. “Oh, I completely understand”she said. I think she really did you know. I think she got me.
So I found her again later only to find out the ‘thing’ I wanted was on sale LAST week.
NEXT store – actually, that’s when I got the oil change. They were FAST! I didn’t know you could change oil that fast?!
Now, by the time I reached my next destination I was fading. Looking more like a Walking Dead action figure than a woman.
Found myself trying to think of ways to walk that conveyed to the multitude of Salvation Army bell ringers that I was a good person, I did give to one of them, but that I couldn’t give to all of them. Pfft. Impossible. I guiltily shuffled past them, eyes downcast, feeling like I had stolen the “Merry Christmas” they offered me since I didn’t put anything in their red cauldron.
I’m now exhausted – only 3 more stores to go! I can only imagine what the store personnel were thinking when they made eye contact with me. Eyes glazed, eyebrows knit into the little sad helpless pathetic diagonal position, lids heavy, legs unable to go faster than a slow shuffle. I just stood looking at things with no clue what I was looking at.
I called it done when the headache, from having no morning coffee, threw a penalty flag on my shopping play.
Crawled into a gas station to get a cup of coffee, stood in yet another line waiting to pay for it, while I suckled from it through the little ‘stirry’ straw like a comfort sippy cup.
One minute more out there and someone would have eventually found me wedged between display shelves rocking back and forth, possibly sucking my thumb.
The good news is – after ‘chilling out’ for about 1/2 an hour, finishing that nectar of the Gods through my stirry straw – I found enough energy to do it all over again, at the grocery store.
I’m calling it done now. Done! I’m done. My dried out eyeballs say I’m done, my tingling feet say I’m done. And my bank balance says I’m done.
My son went out with his friend while I was prepping a crock pot with tonight’s dinner – there’s now two new presents under the tree. One says ‘For that lady that lives with me’ the other says ‘A.K.A. mom’.
He even wrapped them.
Oh crap. I have to wrap too huh?
You know, I joke – I half heartedly whine, but I KNOW how blessed I am this year to even BE Christmas shopping. I’m so very, very grateful for the food in my cupboard, the gifts that need wrapping and having people in my life to shop for.
Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad and Merry Christmas shopping to all.