Pressing Mute (But still playing in my head)
For as many topics as I’ve shared that have a tinge of sadness, you should know that I have the exuberance of a goofy dog who just heard “walk?” when it comes to happy matters of the heart.
It’s beyond exuberance – and after the initial high (compare it to that of a 4-year-old having consumed an entire pillow case full of Halloween candy) I have to remember that I live in the real world, and not everyone is on the same page as me.
I worry sometimes that my eagerness and energy might scare something precious away.
I take everything to the nth degree. I do.
I read too much into things people say – I chastise myself too much for things I say.
Constantly apologizing for not filtering or editing.
I just don’t play games you know?
If I’m in, I’m IN. Not just my feet. After having taken a dive, I’m up over my head and already finding new ways to move in the water. Waving and yelling at those on the sidelines “Come in!!! It’s awesome!”
I’m a handful.
You say one thing to me and I’ve dissected it and run at least 20 scenarios from it.
Friends that know me and start to say “Have you considered …” will stop, because of course they know I have.
Considered it, riffed off of it and have a Rolodex of other thoughts that spawned off of that one.
But the great thing is they rein me in a bit and try to help me focus like a grown up.
I’m also a hopeless romantic, in spite of the fact that I am still sans Prince. And in spite of the fact that I will go to my grave saying “I don’t need anyone.” When really, we all need someone. It just has to be the right someone.
I’ve joked in the past about a poor clerk checking me out (yeah, both ways – at once) and I’ve already played our whole life out in the time it took him to scan my few items and before I’ve even paid, we’ve broken up. In my head.
But the thing of it is – I can trust my gut.
In the past, I let myself ride the high knowing it wasn’t going to work out – because damn it, sometimes you just need to FEEL that hope right?
Now I’m finding myself cautious and turning my volume down from an 11 to maybe a 4 … because my gut says I need to.
And Ms. No Filter is going to filter. And not say anything more about that.