Why oh why did I watch Jerry McGuire?
I have always hated that line “You complete me.”
I’ve shared my opinion that you can’t possibly have much to offer another person, if you don’t come to them already ‘complete’.
And to some degree I still believe that.
But when I’m sitting on my purple couch, sniffing at a romantic movie, my heart swelling and my chest tightening – I have to acknowledge that there is a part of me that wants that – or that is at the very least, touched by the sentiment.
Last night, I went to perform my side job – cleaning the offices – and as I put the mop bucket down, and reached under the sink to gather garbage bags and cleaner, I turned to face the break room table.
Cinderella moment or what?
Friday, someone in the office received a small arrangement of flowers. They weren’t from a romantic interest, I believe they were from a customer – but none the less, there sat the flowers.
Sweet, small, blushing daisies.
Alone on the table for a 3 day weekend.
I felt a twinge of sadness. I would never leave my flowers behind. The thought behind them and every petal, would come home with me.
I have protested too much over the past few years about how I feel about love.
I have lied.
I have said I’ve never been in love. I don’t know if I told myself that for so long that I started to believe it – or if I had to believe it. But said it I have, and multiple times.
“I don’t need a man.” That’s true … to a degree.
I don’t need a man to feel good about myself, to provide for myself and my family.
But the part of me that sniffed at the movie earlier needs love.
Then I sat here and thought for a while about what that means to me.
I can’t know what is right or ‘normal’ for others – but I know what my heart wants.
And I will not settle for anything less.
I want to be courted. I want to feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I want to be the first thing the man who loves me thinks of when he wakes up, and the last thing he thinks about at night.
I need that.
I give that – so I don’t feel like I’m expecting too much not wanting to be an after thought.
As for the fairy tale ending … I deserve it.
I’ve fought that notion for years too.
I’ve had my mind changed.
I deserve nothing less.
My fairy tale ending may not come from a book – but it is written in my heart.
My prince will laugh with me. He will ask ‘how was your day’. He will listen to me. He will understand that I like time alone, time to read, time to write. He will encourage my passions and will think that they are important.
My prince will know that I say too much – think too much – and still love me. He will know me well enough to understand who I really am.
And I won’t love him because I need to be complete. And I won’t love him because I can’t be alone.
I will love him because he will have earned it. My trust, my lust … my secrets, my heart.
I’ll laugh with him, ask him ‘how was your day’, listen to him. I will understand that he likes time alone – time to pursue his interests. I will encourage him and know that what he cares about is important.
And when he says too much, or thinks too much – I will still love him.
I will know with my heart who he really is and understand him.
I will share the most important thing I have to give – my life.
Hadn’t felt well last night – my heart learned a new trick last night and was showing it off. I held tight to my 40-year-old bear ‘Teddy’ and slept. This morning, it was still demonstrating its new trick. ‘Tug, kick, gurgle – repeat’.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have a heart condition. I take 3 different medications and just really sort of deal with it. However, when a new symptom presents – it is a little creepy, considering my existing issues.
I debated just riding it out, I have no health insurance. But I know that if something was seriously wrong and preventable, I would KICK myself for worrying about money over my life.
So, this morning I ran an errand – came home, told Nic I was going to the hospital and went to the emergency room.
I can’t even count how many EKG’s, IV’s or X-rays I’ve had at this point. I’m pretty well versed in the procedures. The nurse was amazing. We discussed books (I had brought my nook along) she was kind and warm.
My actual arm – don’t think for one minute I wasn’t already thinking about sharing my day with you lol.
Waiting for my blood and X-ray results, they brought a roommate in. This gentleman was in fact having a heart attack. He had come in the night before and they wanted to admit him, but he had to work so he had left. Bonkers! (But, probably I would have done the same – what is WRONG with us??).
They worked diligently on him. I had tears in my eyes hearing how brave he was trying to sound and knowing how scared he must have been. He went to ICU.
Fast forward to my release. I was told I needed to rest, relax and to see my cardiologist in a couple of days. Felt so blessed to be walking out – and hoped with every fiber of my being that my roommate would be OK.
I came home, feeling bruised and tired. Went grocery shopping – sent my son out for some quick food and lay on the couch. Sleep found me.
What I awoke to, in a fog – was my son presenting me with a root beer float. 🙂 That thing didn’t stand a chance.
It tasted of love.
There was a smell in the air too – he was cooking a peach pie.
How blessed am I?? Seriously. I am so very grateful for every single day. For the love I have in my life, and for every beat of my imperfect heart.