Blog Archives

Out of the bedroom – into the light

It’s been almost a week now – I finally came out of the bedroom this morning, on wobbly legs.  Found my way to the couch, and plonked down on it.


That’s when I took in my surroundings – blinking like a cave dweller seeing things in the light for the first time in a while.

I had clearly been blocking out the kitchen during my pathetic visits to grab ice and liquids.

Something had to be done.

So I got off the couch – and did it.

Kitchen is now clean, and I’d managed to work up a sweat getting it that way.

Bathing was in order.

I’m still sick.

When I get hit – I get hit hard.

Pink eye, strep throat, fever and now a headache that’s been clinging on for 3 straight days … I’ve used up all my ‘vacation’ time.  Although, let’s face it, I wasn’t headed off to the Bahamas anytime soon.

I didn’t realize I could sleep SO much and still be tired!


During cleaning the kitchen, I noticed lack of provisions and proceeded to make a list for the men of the house.  There’s no way I’m going out in public.

Also, I don’t trust myself to drive yet – or make it an entire lap around a grocery store, unless I get to sit in one of those little cars.


But daylight still hurts – so I’ll stick to the shade of my cave and focus on getting better.

I have three days to do so and to find my smile, my energy, my motivation and bring them all back to work, germ free.

I can do this!



Bumble bees and gas station burgers

It’s been a crazy week.

To say I’m glad it’s Friday is an understatement.

Being sick does not suit me. Hate it. Not that anyone LOVES being sick …. wait, no there are those who do.  I’m not one of them.

So yesterday, I literally got dressed in the dark. (Good news is, today I got light bulbs on my lunch break – and after standing on three chairs in three different rooms, I am now ‘illuminated’)

I wore a pale yellow sweater, black skirt and black boots.

Saw my reflection in the office door as I was approaching it and thought “Crap. I look like a bumble bee.”


Not that I cared too much – I was saving all my energy to just get through the day – no time for vanity or caring about looking like an insect.

I had entirely too many clothes on by the way. Under my skirt were leggings – and under my sweater, a white tank top.

Felt like I was getting undressed every time I had to answer natures call.

Keep in mind – I was still fuzzy –and tired …

Next big event was me dressing after having answered natures call, and walking out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked into my leggings.




Better than into my underwear I suppose (like above) –and it helped that no one else was in the office at the time.

Later I was hungry.

I hadn’t really been hungry for days. Because of this, I hadn’t packed a lunch.

I trotted (probably ‘trotted’ is a tad too energetic of a word) … alright, I shuffled over to the gas station and got a hot dog.

Then my stomach said “You don’t just want the hot dog! You’re hungrier than that!! Get more food!”

So I got the dreaded gas station cheeseburger.

About half an hour later, I went paler than I normally am … said ‘uh oh’ and then DID trot, okay, galloped to the rear of the building and said good-bye to my lunch.

Which became the news of the day.

Agents that came in were advised “Yeah, Amanda puked in your trash can” and me retorting “I did not! I made it to the bathroom!”

Good times.

I couldn’t have been happier to see 5 O’Clock. I took my bumble bee self home. Fell asleep on the couch fully dressed, bumble bee outfit and boots and all.

When I finally did get to bed – I fell hard!

Deep deep sleep until almost midnight. There was a disturbance in the force.

It was a good one though.

I awoke in time to see an IM that made me very happy.

I replied and went back to sleep.

This morning … I looked at the clock to see I had slept in by an hour and a half. I pretty much had 11 hours of sleep.

Jumped out of bed – grabbed my toothbrush, let the dog out. Filled her bowl with kibble. Dressed (mindful of insect imitations) and left a confused dog and a sick son and hit the road.

I’m never late.


And today was no exception.

I am SO ready for more sleep.

But! I’m skyping with the man I love and know I can sleep in tomorrow.


My Favorite Day

This is it.  January 14th, 2015.

Who has had to wonder?

If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”

Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.

Today is my best day ever.

Let’s start with the shocking announcement.

So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day  for a game I like to play at night.  All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.

I got a ‘ding!’

It was a Facebook announcement.

A life event even.

I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep.  I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.

You need to know this.

So … I have been editing myself lately.

Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.

James D. Foster.   Remember him?  Look up Drawing the Invisible.

This guy was one of my best friends in the college days.  And, had a crush on me.

And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.


He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.

I loved him from day one.

I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.

I did not know.

We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote.  He illustrated.  He is a fucking AMAZING artist.

One very horrible night – he was beside me.  And wrote poems.  He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.

Then we lost touch.

This was the 80’s.

I NEVER stopped thinking about him.  Not ever.  Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER.  I searched for him because …

Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?



Us then

Us then

us then again

us then again

But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him.  But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!

Fast forward.

I found him.

Through an Ex.

He was friends with him.

US now:

(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)



(FYI: The pic?  I have the Iron Man ring on.  I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)



When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.

I didn’t expect more than that.  I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life.  And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time.  My friend?  He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.

Timing – definitely off.

Long story short.

Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer.  And my friend honestly loves his best friend.

Which, I admire.  I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me.  Right?

But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.

Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.

He gets that I have no filter.

He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.

He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!

I was sent home today, by my work family.  Because I am seriously pretty sick.  Seriously under the weather.  And I love them for that.

So I also got to see Nic.  He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.

He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.

That natural 20?  Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)


I was so happy.

We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)

I was happy anyway, let’s face it.  But having my son onboard? C’mon.

I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked.  We pulled off the quality time.

So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.

My mom.

The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!


Bottom line.

Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.

Today … is my favorite day.

And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.


And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it.  See … dreams DO come true. x


The cold and feet post


Well, one toe to be specific.

I am a dork.  A klutz.

An awkward bundle of looking like a put together female on the outside and a Star Wars loving, cartoon watching, zombie adoring, comic book and action figure collecting, insecure teenaged boy on the inside.


This week I got my 3rd head cold in 4 months – a record for Miss. I-never-get-sick.

As I said yesterday, awkwardly, on Facebook, if I could itch the back of my eyeball, throat and ear with my tongue, I’d be golden.

Worked Monday and Tuesday with a fever and a leaking face – as did my boss.

I swear, our office should be quarantined at certain times of the year!

One ‘carrier’ comes near the building  and the rest of us fall in groups of diseased worker bees – then keep passing it back and forth.

But I’m hearty.  My boss and I sneezed and sniffled greetings to one another and carried on.

I’m leading up to something here.

I gave birth ‘au naturale’, I worked the day after I broke my wrist on the busiest day of the month – writing with my left hand like a chicken scratch trooper – I will only stay home if I absolutely can’t make it.

But today, I cried like a toddler after a stupid toe injury.



I started the day fuzzy – having not slept well – my mouth felt like a nest of scratching, very furry kittens had slept in it.

I took cold meds and remembered it was the day I had to be at the office early.

I skipped a shower, hurriedly dressed, threw kibble in the dogs bowl and headed to the car.

Then I sat there – in the driver’s seat and realized I was ahead of myself by over half an hour.

Got out of car – shuffled back into the house, grabbed another cup of obviously much-needed coffee and sat dazed on the couch.

The clock ticked by and I wished I had taken my shower.

When I did arrive at work, I was in hyper-drive mode.  Lots of physical things to take care of.  Cleaned, sorted out an office – back and forth, back and forth.

Then nature called.

As I was exiting the bathroom I opened the door only to have it stop half way.  It hit a door stop.

Door stop was my toe.

Now, I’m in ‘Oh God this really hurts and I’m afraid to look at what I’ve done’ mode.

Then I realize … door is still stopped half way … on my toe.

And the knowledge that I now have to basically run my toe over AGAIN is dawning on me.

I closed my eyes and WHAM – got the door ‘off’ my toe.

Tears filled my eyes … and since I have a high threshold for pain, I’m scaring myself with my body’s reaction and definitely not wanting to look down.

Seriously, the breath was literally snatched out of me.  That ‘whooomf’ of adrenaline and pain rippled through my body.

I must have made a noise, because someone, not sure who at the time, noticed me.

I hobbled to the kitchen, bleeding on my shoe.

My boss went for the first-aid kit and a co-worker came to help.

I felt like an idiot.

Trying not to cry, and not succeeding.

I remember my co-worker (that sounds so formal, she’s my friend too, as is my boss) telling me that it would be okay to swear.

I also remember thinking I REALLY wish I’d showered as they were looking closely at my foot.

And I do remember saying – “I already don’t feel well … and now I’ve hurt my tooooooe”

My boss said I could go home – and since being at my tall desk is the exact opposite of elevating my foot – I took her up on it.

****** *********WARNING!  GRAPHIC IMAGE BELOW!*********


It bled for over 3 1/2 hours.

I’m pretty sure I may have fractured it above the toe knuckle.  Is that what it’s called?

Because it bends – but when I step flat (which, I won’t be doing again anytime soon) the wind is knocked out of me and a shocking pain goes up my foot.

Of course, I won’t know this for sure as I can’t go to the doctor.

Besides, there’s nothing they can really do.

(Unless this nerd goes to a doctor whose last name is Who)


Musings from the Laundromat: Mops, Larks and Clowns edition

The thing about blogging on any consistent basis – is you end up with something akin to a journal that anyone can read.

Good days and bad – you’re basically reading my diary.

That’s fine by me – but I find it a little eye-roll worthy sometimes when I’ve had a bad day, to read a previous very upbeat post.

If you find your eyes rolling with mine, just know that at that moment, when I’m typing, every fiber of who I am and what I feel and know to be true is being transcribed upon the screen through my fingers.

No one can be completely happy and upbeat ALL the time.  “Even the best of souls”  which, is what I heard last night when I stumbled upon ‘Lark Rise to Candleford’.  I’ve only seen one episode, so to any devout fans reading this, my apologies.

Dawn French’s character, Caroline Arless, had returned from a stay somewhere, with new resolve.  She was going to watch her mouth, keep her skirts down (that cracked me up) be grateful and humble.  I saw myself in her immediately.  And my lips twitched into a smile watching her exuberance for her metamorphosis.

As she was telling this to a woman who, it seemed had mastered those skills to some degree, the woman remarked (and I’m paraphrasing) that was a tall order ‘even for the best of souls’.


I thought of my day – I thought of my last post … the juxtaposition of the two not lost on me – and then, I thought of clowns.

Yesterday: I am sick again.  And for someone who never gets sick, this is getting annoying.  This is twice now in 3 months.

I woke up, watched a couple of movies in my bedroom and did something else I never do.  Went back to sleep.

I crawled out of my infirmary after 2 in the afternoon.  I had cleaning to do that night at the offices.

I really almost put it off until today – but needed to go into that neck of the woods anyway – and you know, two birds, one stone.

So I’m cleaning, and feeling rotten – and I’ve said some unkind things to Nic in the car on the way over.

Things that needed to be said, but did not meet the rule of three that I try to live by.

It goes a little something like this – Before you speak, ask yourself:

1. Is it kind?

2. Is it useful?

3. Is it true?

It was useful and true, but not kind.  And in my depleted state, I had no right venturing into conversations that required a positive attitude.

I poured my last energy into cleaning, while my head wouldn’t shut up about the things I’d said to Nic.  You know, I don’t know if it’s a bad thing that I realize I’m doing something wrong and still do it?  Or if it’s a good thing as I’m clearly growing and learning?

Then my mop broke.


(Insert Metaphors here)

Rust particles spilled onto the freshly vacuumed floor and tile.  

I did the best I could with a smaller, less absorbent mop.  Then, having decided I was as done as I could be, I excited the building.

It was then I noticed I had lost my car key.  I stomped back into the offices, accidentally set the building alarm off, then proceeded to stand in a door jamb crying my eyes out.

Nic came to me as I stood there, arms up, head buried, I could have been counting for ‘hide and go seek’.

I broke.  “I am tired!  I can’t do this!  The floors look horrible and I need help!  I don’t feel well!”  This was not about the floors.  Not just about the floors.  And we both knew it.

Still, I knew I couldn’t leave without being satisfied with my work – but I only had so much to work with. 

I tried again, with a new floor cleaning device, making the best of what I had, into something I was willing to leave for the night.

I had promised Chinese food.  Of course, thanks to my mouth, I had knocked any hunger Nic might have had for it right out of him.

He was still hungry, but his feelings weren’t in the mood for food.

We got it anyway and I tried to mend the wounds.

There’s still a heaviness in the air today – residue from yesterday.

Once again, I almost put off my chores in favor of staying in bed.  But I got up, and went to the laundromat.

This is when I thought of clowns.

I’ve never liked them.  For two reasons I think, one being the mask factor.  Hiding behind a facade … The other the impossible constant smile.


I’m funny and mostly happy, but I am not a clown.

No one can smile all the time – and no matter how often I remember that, I can’t seem to cut myself a break when I don’t feel like smiling.