This is it. January 14th, 2015.
Who has had to wonder?
If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”
Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.
Today is my best day ever.
Let’s start with the shocking announcement.
So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day for a game I like to play at night. All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.
I got a ‘ding!’
It was a Facebook announcement.
A life event even.
I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep. I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.
You need to know this.
So … I have been editing myself lately.
Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.
James D. Foster. Remember him? Look up Drawing the Invisible.
This guy was one of my best friends in the college days. And, had a crush on me.
And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.
He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.
I loved him from day one.
I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.
I did not know.
We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote. He illustrated. He is a fucking AMAZING artist.
One very horrible night – he was beside me. And wrote poems. He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.
Then we lost touch.
This was the 80’s.
I NEVER stopped thinking about him. Not ever. Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER. I searched for him because …
Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?
But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him. But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!
I found him.
Through an Ex.
He was friends with him.
(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)
(FYI: The pic? I have the Iron Man ring on. I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)
When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.
I didn’t expect more than that. I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life. And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time. My friend? He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.
Timing – definitely off.
Long story short.
Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer. And my friend honestly loves his best friend.
Which, I admire. I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me. Right?
But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.
Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.
He gets that I have no filter.
He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.
He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!
I was sent home today, by my work family. Because I am seriously pretty sick. Seriously under the weather. And I love them for that.
So I also got to see Nic. He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.
He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.
That natural 20? Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)
I was so happy.
We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)
I was happy anyway, let’s face it. But having my son onboard? C’mon.
I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked. We pulled off the quality time.
So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.
The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!
Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.
Today … is my favorite day.
And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.
And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it. See … dreams DO come true. x
I’m comfort eating. Calamari to be exact – and fries and some delicious chili sauce thing that reminds me of a savory marmalade.
Calamari took my mind on a little walk and they shared a memory about the first time Amanda had calamari – it was in Italy.
I used to actually DO things you know? I have done and experienced AMAZING things! Seriously! From almost being sold in Afghanistan to staying up for days and days surrounded by crazy ravers.
I still DO things. I have a busy life. I just make it look easier than it is because I make time for things and people who are important to me.
In my ‘spare time’, I play this stupid game that I can never logistically win – and even if I did – it’s a virtual flipping game – not like I’m going to improve my life or bank account by playing it.
Anyway, I got the following compliment last night. (Which did NOT creep me out like the ‘are you single’ question from some guy playing in the same room as me last week. Ew.)
I don’t think I look anything like Jennifer Anniston – but hey, she was married to Brad Pitt, so I’ll take it. (Although, never have been attracted to Brad Pitt – he’s too ‘pretty’ for my tastes, so why in the world did I just say that? Food stupor.) I usually get Gwyneth Paltrow .. (who also dated Brad Pitt … what the heck?? Maybe I just look like someone who would get dumped by Brad Pitt? Hmmm ….) What do you think?
Tangent. Did you enjoy that?
So, I’m comfort eating and remembering a comment my dad made YEARS ago. I was feeling sorry for some homeless people in an awful part of town. He made the point, “Um, they are homeless … they can be ‘homeless’ ANYWHERE.” That made an odd sort of sense to me. Why not be homeless somewhere with comfortable weather and lots of people spending far too much on food and tossing it after just one bite? If I was homeless, my thumb would be out for a ride to anywhere but here, that’s for sure.
Feel like a kid lately who just wants to ‘go’. I want to run away. LOL! Pack like, 10 pairs of mismatching socks, no pants, toys, only 1 pair of underwear and forget to pack tops and my toothbrush. You know, like we did as kids when we were in a hurry to escape. You’d open your suitcase, or whatever container you grabbed at time of packing, and realize ‘wow, I can really do nothing with any of this.’
But seriously. I have this sudden urge to just ‘bail’. Get out of dodge. Run away.
I could start anew in a tiny idyllic village. Maybe even under an assumed name? I’d rarely be seen out … slip in and out of the bakery and butchers – with dark glasses. Looking very dangerous and shifty in a trench coat. Okay, maybe not so dangerous – probably more like an idiot in a trench coat, dark glasses and eclairs in hand from the bakery I just slipped out of.
But, probably I should just address whatever is making me want to run away in the first place. Because, no matter where I run to – I’ll still be there. LOL
I’ve lost my voice. My artistic voice. It’s 5:54 in the morning and I’m wracking my brain trying to think of something deep or witty or poignant or even remotely worth your eye time and cannot.
I’ve had a headache for two days (probably a side effect of the eating debauchery I embarked on starting Friday and ending Sunday and the instant 4 pounds I put on my often mentioned small frame).
Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about my weight. (See what can happen when you just keep typing? Eventually something comes up. Now we need a picture. I’ll use this one as I’ve been told I resemble her – here’s Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow).
I used to be thin. It’s in my genes. My Nannie is thin, my mother is thin. I’m 5’10 and on average, now weigh 129 pounds. A few years ago, I was teetering between the mid 160’s up to 172 at my heaviest. I made a concerted effort to lose weight and it worked. No soda – no white bread – smaller portions – stopped eating when I was full (what a concept) – no eating right before going to bed. Nothing bonkers. Just sensible.
The catalyst was hating to take my clothes off and still seeing the outline of them on my body. LOL! That, and actually startling at my desk because “something touched my legs!!” (Turned out it was my stomach).
I was also uncomfortable, and my heart condition was getting worse. Although, my heart issue stems from my sinus node, not the actual heart – I figured it still couldn’t hurt.
Then I quit drinking.
OH! Do liquids have calories? THAT explains a lot. More weight came off. Because if I’m being honest, probably half my daily allowable calories came from champagne or wine or vodka or beer. And some days many non-allowable daily calories too.
I am not skinny! But I get comments a lot that I am.
This prompted me a while ago to quip on my Facebook status ‘why is it ok to point out someone is thin, but not that someone is fat??’. I think both are rude.
I came to the conclusion that ‘thin’ has negative connotations. It brings to mind disease, addiction, poverty. While having some meat on the bones has historically meant ‘privilege, wealth, success’.
Um. Can I ask again, why is it ok to mention the thin? It’s sort of ruder now I’ve pointed out what it brings to mind. What if they have just beaten a disease?? Or really can’t afford to eat? Ouch. That would be horrible! Because it’s never said privately out of concern, it’s usually flippantly thrown out there in public almost like it’s a compliment, except for that touch of distaste in the sentence.
I mean, you don’t just say to someone ‘Wow, your hair is really thinning.’ Or, ‘Your nose is so BIG!’. Why do we think it’s ok to point anything like that out? Boggles the mind. Just stop it. Keep your eyes on your own paper.
Now, if I wasn’t eating or if a bone was protruding, a well-meaning ‘aside’ from a friend would be not only acceptable but expected!
But I went from a size 14-16 to a 6-8, not a zero. I’m not skin and bones people. Trust me, I see me naked.