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The Forgotten Daisy

Why oh why did I watch Jerry McGuire?

I have always hated that line “You complete me.”

I’ve shared my opinion that you can’t possibly have much to offer another person, if you don’t come to them already ‘complete’.

And to some degree I still believe that.

But when I’m sitting on my purple couch, sniffing at a romantic movie, my heart swelling and my chest tightening – I have to acknowledge that there is a part of me that wants that – or that is at the very least, touched by the sentiment.

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Last night, I went to perform my side job – cleaning the offices – and as I put the mop bucket down, and reached under the sink to gather garbage bags and cleaner, I turned to face the break room table.

Cinderella moment or what?

Friday, someone in the office received a small arrangement of flowers.  They weren’t from a romantic interest, I believe they were from a customer – but none the less, there sat the flowers.

Daisies.

My favorite.

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Sweet, small, blushing daisies.

Alone on the table for a 3 day weekend.

I felt a twinge of sadness.  I would never leave my flowers behind.  The thought behind them and every petal, would come home with me.

I have protested too much over the past few years about how I feel about love.

I have lied.

I have said I’ve never been in love.  I don’t know if I told myself that for so long that I started to believe it – or if I had to believe it.  But said it I have, and multiple times.

“I don’t need a man.”  That’s true … to a degree.

I don’t need a man to feel good about myself, to provide for myself and my family.

But the part of me that sniffed at the movie earlier needs love.

Then I sat here and thought for a while about what that means to me.

I can’t know what is right or ‘normal’ for others – but I know what my heart wants.

And I will not settle for anything less.

I want to be courted.  I want to feel like I’m the only girl in the world.  I want to be the first thing the man who loves me thinks of when he wakes up, and the last thing he thinks about at night.

I need that.

I give that – so I don’t feel like I’m expecting too much not wanting to be an after thought.

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As for the fairy tale ending … I deserve it.

I’ve fought that notion for years too.

I’ve had my mind changed.

I deserve nothing less.

My fairy tale ending may not come from a book – but it is written in my heart.

My prince will laugh with me.  He will ask  ‘how was your day’.  He will listen to me.  He will understand that I like time alone, time to read, time to write.  He will encourage my passions and will think that they are important.

My prince will know that I say too much – think too much – and still love me.  He will know me well enough to understand who I really am.

And I won’t love him because I need to be complete.  And I won’t love him because I can’t be alone.

I will love him because he will have earned it.  My trust, my lust … my secrets, my heart.

I’ll laugh with him, ask him ‘how was your day’, listen to him.  I will understand that he likes time alone – time to pursue his interests.  I will encourage him and know that what he cares about is important.

And when he says too much, or thinks too much – I will still love him.

I will know with my heart who he really is and understand him.

I will share the most important thing I have to give – my life.

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Embracing fear

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I’m finding my fears are directly proportional to how much I am capable of loving.  The more I grow, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, the more I fear.  And I wonder how that can be?

I know that the opposite of fear is faith – I know that fear is unhealthy.  I know this, and yet I am scared.

For me, this is also growth.  When for years (other than my son) I didn’t fear losing something, not caring enough to be afraid – this is growth.

Faith I can work on.

The ordinary seems more ordinary to me lately.  All the childhood dreams and hopes I had for myself are keeping me up at night.  I want the fantastic.  The magical.  The fairy tale.

For years I did not believe anymore.  Like  a wide-eyed audience member discovering the secret behind a magicians trick – such disappointment.

The past few years I have been finding my own magic.  Slowly.  And finding myself open to believing again.  Then out of nowhere, as if a reward for opening my eyes, destiny put more in my path.

I think my fear stems from not wanting to suddenly see another trick revealed.

No, I do not want to sit in naivety.  But to have wonderment at what life can bring – to be surprised and to feel anything is again possible – I want more than anything.

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“I’m not in love …”

Which is a really silly title for this particular blog post considering the rest of the lyrics, but lets just put that aside and focus on just those 4 words.

A dear friend once (not so very long ago) sent me these words:

“The great wonderful Amanda (where do keep the hearts and souls of the men you collect)?”  Ouch.

This was painful on a few levels.  1) I deeply care for this person.  2) I don’t go around entering relationships with the intention of cruelly ending them for recreational purposes. 3) Apparently I had hurt someone.

Here’s the deal.  I watch romantic movies and I’m pretty sure I want that.  I do!

I want the speech Meg Ryan got at the end of ‘When Harry Met Sally’.  I cry every time Harry ends with,

“And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible”.

I want the car to pull up with my suitor holding up flowers and an umbrella like ‘Pretty Woman’.  I want the fairy tale.

I want to have my Holly Golightly moment when I realize I don’t have to be caged to give my heart.

But I have not found the person I want those things from.

I have never truly had my heart broken, I have never mourned for the loss of a relationship and I have never had that kind of love. Well – perhaps that’s not fair.  I have never felt that kind of love.

To be honest, it’s only been a couple of years since I’ve been comfortable enough in my own skin to be capable of offering anything of substance to someone else. I can’t begin to describe how much the term: ‘You complete me’ drives me up the wall!

How, in the world, does one expect any success in a relationship when one enters it ‘incomplete’?  I would hope to offer my whole heart to someone who also has a whole heart.  I would hope to offer my serenity, contentment and love to someone who also has that.  A partner that compliments, not completes all that is me, who brings differences and experiences to the relationship with their uniqueness.

There are many reasons I won’t go into for my lack of success when it comes to love.  Trust me when I say that events occurred to a little girl, a teenager and a young adult that should not have.

Lately, I’ve been noticing happy couples.  There is a beautiful woman at work who after decades of marriage is still SO completely in love with her husband.  She exudes happiness (which came first I wonder? The happy chicken or the love egg?).

Then today, I bumped into an older couple at the store that I did a loan for.  We chatted a while, and my heart swelled watching them finishing each others sentences (NOT the same as ‘completing’ each other people!) – I swear, the lady’s eyes literally sparkled when she looked at her husband.  Dreamy.  Absolutely dreamy.  Of course, I had to point that out to them, which brought about more sparkling from both of them.

I want that.  I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes my eyes sparkle.  I want a best friend to hold hands with, to laugh with. 

It’s corny, but when I was younger, I used to imagine what New Years Eve 1999 would be like.

I’m getting ready,  putting on my earrings as I smile peacefully into my vanity mirror. I can hear my husband telling the dog to quiet down and greeting the babysitter.  I hear my children running around downstairs squealing with delight because the sitter is here and they’ve just been told they can stay up late.  My husband walks into the bedroom as I stand up and smooth my party dress, we exchange a secret smile.  It’s date night with the man of my dreams. 

He never showed up.

I do have the dog – and I do own earrings.  I also have an amazing son who is the only man I’ve ever truly given my whole heart to. 

But I think I’m almost ready for more.  I think there’s still time for a ‘ever after’.