Category Archives: Humor
Tangent to a headline
Headline News – breaking story!
Teen arrives at school in an Assassins trench coat, blatant disregard for the districts dress code! But there’s more – his plans for the weekend? To attend an ADULT party!!
That’s the spin Nancy Grace would probably put on my sons morning. Bonkers.
Woke up late again this morning, which meant I got to drive Nic to school.
My mother splurged on him this Christmas and bought him a coat from the video game ‘Assassins Creed’. It had to be tailor-made and didn’t arrive until yesterday (Thursday).
Nic could barely contain his excitement. Putting said coat on, taking it off, putting it on, zipping it in different ways. Removing hood – putting hood back on. LOL! It was fun to watch him so happy about something.
His school does have a dress code. Today was ‘Spirit Day’ though – they could deviate a little from the patrolled path with school colors – none of which are white and blue. I told him ‘you get busted for that, you take your knocks. You know you’re breaking the rules’.
It is a really flip
ping cool coat. Check it out.
This weekend a friend of his is also turning 19 and having a birthday party. Which, will probably consist of a video-game-a-thon. (Kids today – they just don’t know how to party, lol, but … that is a VERY good thing).
I’ve been reading a lot of ‘what you think is true really isn’t true – twist and turn’ novels lately. So – my mind tangently wandered to how someone with absolutely no knowledge of the facts could spin the mundane and cracked myself up.
Just reminds me to be sure to take everything I hear on sensational news channels with a grain of salt. Better yet, a salt lick.
“Where were his parents???” I can hear them saying.
She was home writing a blog about how bonkers the spin is that’s put on breaking news when so little is known fact. And when she’s not doing that, she’s working two jobs. LOL.
Probably they’d spin that to: “Working mom – teen son left unattended – kept company only by dozens of violent video games”.
Hey – now I think about it – Pac-Man was pretty intense. Ghosts – magic pills for speed – and eating the aggressors – ewwww!
The Stare
*Shudder* I awoke several times in the night and early morning to breathing, the sensation that something was watching me. Keenly picked up a thump, thump, thump in my foggy semi-consciousness.
She’s doing it again.
When she should be doing this:
She’s imitating this:
And during the day – even this:
By doing this at the side of my bed:
The thump, thump, thump is her tail.
I’ve given up getting out of bed and trying to let her out, because after a couple of weeks of this, it’s become very clear she does not want to go out.
She’s just perfecting her ‘Butters Stare’. It’s creepier than the Blair Stare or the Paranormal Stare because she’s waking my arse up doing it!
At least her tail is wagging.
My Taylor Swift moment
It’s been quite bonkers the past few days. Teddy Bonkers even. 
Friday night brought the joy of electrical issues that weren’t resolved until Sunday afternoon. Last night I guess the cable got jealous and decided ‘Hey! We didn’t get to be the source of a problem!’ and shut down on me. Yet another day without internet, cable or phone. Bottom line – I haven’t had access to blog land reliably since Thursday.
Friday also brought about a friend from the past. In town unfortunately for unpleasant reasons. His mother had taken ill and was in the hospital. This friend of mine is also an ex of mine – and we’ve managed in our own weird way to stay friends in between saying ugly things to each other. We always seem to come around to an understanding that our lives are better with each other in them. I love him. He’s a good man.
This morning … a very odd happening indeed.
I woke up late (that’s twice in a row!) ended up driving my son to school as he missed the bus at his stop. Once I arrived at work (early – I’m always early to work, waking up late is not a deterrent) the front door opened and standing there was another ex.
Keep up now – this one is a fighter. Cage fighter/MMA. True to his hobby, he’s still fighting – and as I was to find out, still fighting for me.
Here’s where I get all Taylor Swifty. You’re in my life, you end up in a post. Anonymous of course.
“I came by because I was thinking of you”
“That would make sense”
We chatted a bit about Christmas, how things are going in general – upcoming fights. He was skirting around something … I could tell. And in all honesty, I didn’t want him to get to his point of being there.
My boss arrived and after saying ‘hi’ to my ex – he disappeared into the bowels of the building with the coffee carafe.
The point was then arrived at.
“I still love you, I thought I could get over you – but I don’t know why we can’t be together”.
Gulp.
“I don’t know what to say” I offered.
“I know”.
He started to leave and actually had tears in his eyes. I stood and gave him an awkward hug.
“We can talk about this another time” I heard myself saying.
“OK”.
What does it say about me that I can look into someones teary eyes as they tell me “I love you” and feel nothing. Nothing.
Had a fleeting thought that perhaps I have sociopathic tendencies, then decided, no.
Not one fiber of me has any interest in reviving that particular dead romantic horse.
I sat replaying the whole bizarre visit in my head. Then found myself getting pissed.
As romantic as his speech might have been in a movie – in reality, it doesn’t work that way. And speaking of work – I was AT WORK!
Who comes in to someones place of employment and assumes they have arrived at a rare moment in that persons day that they’re available for a chat?
I don’t work in a store, or a restaurant. I mean, I could see someone patronizing a business you work and waving, or even coming over to your counter or station and saying ‘hey!’ But … in an office – for a deep talk?
How selfish was it to come and bare his soul and leave? What if (and I wasn’t) but, what IF, I was affected emotionally by his monologue? Then I would have to sit all day, unable to focus on work that requires my concentration. Imagine dropping your child off at school – passing them their lunch box and saying: “Have a nice day – oh, and we’re putting the dog to sleep today”.
Then it dawned on me. And I could be wrong. But, maybe, just maybe he ran into my other ex. (It’s a small town). Maybe, just maybe he was wondering ‘why is he here? Is he here to see her?’ Then that’s more revolting to me. To come by and perhaps stake a claim or plant a seed in my head.
Guys are as bananas as girls ladies and gentleman.
I had jokingly put this up on my Facebook page:
Yeah … that’s me. But you know, I figured out enough about myself to know what is not healthy for me. For me, and for relationships period. And I ended my unhealthy ones. And just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I can’t see red flags just because they’re flying on someone elses flagpole.
Ironically, I took some time today to put hearts up in the office. (Valentines is just around the corner – according to every flipping store I’ve happened into). Hey – I’m not against love. Just don’t come into my bread and butter to declare it to me!
“Be safe …”
Had to break a twenty on the way home from cleaning so I could pay Nic for helping me. Stopped by the Family Dollar to grab some scented laundry sprinkles.
Not much out of the cashier, she seemed to be the only one in the store. Which was nice. No one asking me up and down aisles, “Are you finding everything alright?”
I place my item on the counter and she silently rings it up.
“$5.34”
I place the twenty on the counter. No eye contact yet.
“$14.66 is your change … be safe.”
What the F%$#?
Be safe?
LOL! She looked so serious saying it too. I grabbed my little bag “Thank you” and headed for the door.
Back in the car:
Me: Had the weirdest moment
Nic: What?
Me: The lady is checking me out, well, not checkin’ me out, but you know …
Nic: Wait, was she hot? Lesbian? Just saying, could be cool
Me: No. Anyway … she says, get this, “Be safe”
Nic: So?
Me: I mean, that’s something that wouldn’t be weird to hear on New Years Eve … but …
Nic: *Silence*
Me: I mean, what does she know that I don’t? What if she’s psychic? “Be Safe ..” Did she think I was going to blow my change on booze and drugs? “Be Safe ..” That’s creepy
Nic: You think weird
Me: Yeah, I know. You do too.
Nic: (Small laugh)
Me: Next time I tell it – she’s got tears in her eyes … her hand is shaking as she’s giving me the change – she nervously looks at me and hoarsely whispers “Be safe.”
Santa Paws is coming to town
Ah Christmas Eve! The last advent doors are opened, the baking will be done, the dog is scooting on the carpet. Wait, what?!
Christmas came early for Butters. Apparently Santa Paws may have brought her worms.
Now, I saw her do ‘the scoot’ last night on the deck. “Away from my chair, I flew like a flash, Tore open the front door and …” grabbed a flashlight.
I inspected the ‘scoot’ area – and didn’t see anything to be concerned about.
I needed a closer look. I approached her casually, but I’m certain she could smell the ‘I’m up to something and pretending I’m not’ pheromones coming off of me. I’m certain because she would not let me anywhere near her rear end with that light.
I did manage to sneak a peek at her bum when it was bedtime. Saw a couple of little white specks. Aw – a white Christmas too? How sweet.
This morning I peeked again and didn’t see anything of significance. Okay – a fluke. After all, we’ve had the heater on lately, perhaps she’s just itchy from the dryness?
I’d almost relaxed when she did it again. The scoot.
It’s funny when someone elses dog does it. It’s funny on YouTube. It’s not funny when you’re thinking ‘Oh crap – I can’t afford to take her to the vet!’
**Disclaimer/tangent/interruption** I am of the opinion that if you cannot afford to take care of an animals needs, you should not own a pet. However, Butters found us. She was in our yard one morning, hungry and skittish. I put up signs around the neighborhood, listed her ‘found’ on Craigslist and even had her featured on our local TV station. No one came forward. We then put up signs looking for a home for her. No takers. She’s been with us for over two years now as ‘the pound’ was not an option for us**
Now where were we?
Ah – the worry about the vet. So now I have to know everything about worms. Can they be treated at home? Do you have to know what type of worm in order to do that? Can humans contract the worm?
Answers: Yes, it’s best if you do, yes.
Outside I went – to find her latest ‘waste’. I’ll skip the dissection description – let’s just say it involved a stick and a strong stomach. No worms. Hmmmm. But did see some of those little specks again.
Back inside – I notice something on my freshly brushed couch. Arg! A segment?? I grabbed a sandwich bag and secured the evidence. Back online. Sure looked like a tapeworm segment to me!
Back to Google. Yes, Pet Smart sells worming medicine! Okay! Off we go!
I arrive at the shop and ask the cashier for the ‘dog expert’. I’m given to a woman sporting a pony tail and on a mission. I explain the scoot – I explain the specks. I then lift my little bag out of my pocket and reveal ‘Exhibit A’.
“See, it looks like a sesame seed”.
“It sure does …” she says “It REALLY looks like a sesame seed”.
And then it hits me. As I’m holding the bag high in the air.
The night before – my son and I indulged in a burger we’d seen on TV a few times and promised ourselves we’d get one day.
And just look at all those ‘Segments’ on top.
50 shades of embarrassed.
Still bought the chewable $30 D-Worm, after being reassured that if she doesn’t actually have worms, the medicine will not hurt her.
Came home with my little seed and a funny story – and Butters took her D-Worm like a champ.
She is walking around guarding her butt from me now though. Can’t say I blame her.
**If you suspect your dog has worms, you should address it immediately. The medicine I purchased treats Tapeworms, Roundworms and Hookworms. It’s a one time treatment – re-treat if you see signs that your dog may still have the parasites. As for passing to humans – as long as you keep your fingers out of your mouth, you should be fine. Animals CAN pass the worms onto a human, but it’s not very likely. Wash your hands after touching your pet. Wash your bedding etc. because even though you’re likely safe – your pet can ingest eggs they’ve expelled onto various surfaces and start the cycle again. Lastly, don’t take my word for it – this is information I found as I can’t afford a visit to a vet – but a vet is always the best resource for anything wrong with your furry friend!
Debauchery Soup 