“To Delete or not to Delete, that is the question.”
Wonder if Shakespeare had the internet if he would have erased any of his works. Maybe a poem he re-read in the morning and thought ‘That is crap – what was I thinking?’ (That is crapeth?) But because someone took the trouble to type set and print and distribute, he couldn’t do a take back.
You know who I think would post something and have writers remorse?
I can imagine him having a particularly morose day and ingesting a bit of opium and pouring his heart out about unrequited cousin love. Then waking up the next morning to the caw of a raven (Do ravens caw? I think they caw. You’d think they’d crow.) anyway, waking up and slapping his forehead and groaning “Nevermore.”
I bet he’d delete.
What I’m getting to, via the scenic route, is that I contemplated taking my last post down.
I guess I wasn’t using large enough capitals when I said that I would never have done it. (Take ALL the medicine.) One tweet to me said ‘glad you didn’t kill yourself’ and I actually giggled – then thought, wait – did people not read ALL of my words?
It’s not a funny topic. I’m not making light of it. And believe me, I was disturbed by how easily the thought came to be – and if I’m going to be disturbed, I’m bringing you along for the ride.
Because that’s what I do.
I will not delete.
There are diaries I threw away from my days of debauchery that I so wish I hadn’t. I’m not making that mistake again. Authentic – unedited – Me. That’s what you get.
I share the Good, the Bad and the Ugly with you.
Only when it is my story to tell.
Trust me when I say, if I felt comfortable naming names of some people in my life, and completely removing my moral filter, there are posts that I could write that would go viral and change lives – and not for the better.
Which is why I don’t write them.
Great segue to my next random thought.
My Prince of 14 months finally traveled to my country very recently – however, not to my Kingdom.
That was a shot to the heart.
(Now I have Bon Jovi singing in my head)
I have eased some of the pain with lots and lots of ice cream. Which is such a stereotypical ‘girl-with-broken-heart’ thing to do. Yet SO unlike me.
I have never been a big ice cream fan. But my son and I got into a little phase of banana splits recently and I got hooked. I think mostly it’s all the whipped cream and nuts I put on top.
Maybe I should just have a ginormous bowl of whipped cream and nuts? Or skip it and just go straight for the cream directly from the can.
I spent quality time yesterday with two bowls of rocky road ice cream (with copious amounts of whipped cream and nuts on top of course) and watched a couple of movies.
Last weekend my son found a blu-ray player that was a steal and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
(He’s still not here much by the way – I’ve mentioned him twice, which would give the impression he’s been around, having banana splits and buying electronics and whatnot. He returned late last night and I only have two nights with him before he leaves the nest again for another week.)
SO back to the fuss. To be honest, I couldn’t see much of a difference. Although, to be fair and even more honest, my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and HD and non-HD look pretty similar to me.
I rented these:
First let me mention that this deal Nic got on the blu-ray DVD player didn’t include a remote.
Next let me mention that not all ‘Universal’ remotes are universal.
I spent the better part of an hour trying to program one to the Sony BDP S360 with no success.
I almost threw in the towel and lamented the $4.75 I had spent on the rentals. Then decided not to throw any towels and spent another half of an hour googling my little ‘want-to-watch-a -movie-and-don’t-want-to-have-wasted-this-money’ heart out until I found a code.
(I do this as a public service – if you have a Sony blu-ray HD DVD Player – and if you have a cable remote – try 21516 for Comcast and 1516 for Suddenlink. It worked.) Thank GAWD!
The Wolf of Wall Street was okay – probably all the hype elevated my expectations to an unreasonable height. Leonardo is aging well though.
This Is 40 was okay as well. I love the actors in anything they’re in.
When they said the part about the time between 40 and 60 being the best years of your life – I did a cursory glance around my empty living room and thought, well, I’m 5 years in and have 15 years to catch up.
American Hustle I did not watch. The laundromat and DVD return box needed to be one trip – god forbid I exit the house twice on a Sunday.
Besides, my boy is home and laundry is done and the couch across from me won’t be empty today.
I’m staying put and enjoying what will be one of the best days of my week – and maybe sharing some of my ice cream.
Deleting trips away from loved ones is ‘to be’.
*late breaking news – after publishing, and excitedly showing Nic the salmon and pie I planned for our dinner, my boy announced he has plans for the day and night. #@&*!!
I’m refraining from heading to the freezer … but let’s face it, it’s inevitable.
Empty couch and ice cream are in my very near future.
It’s been quite bonkers the past few days. Teddy Bonkers even. Friday night brought the joy of electrical issues that weren’t resolved until Sunday afternoon. Last night I guess the cable got jealous and decided ‘Hey! We didn’t get to be the source of a problem!’ and shut down on me. Yet another day without internet, cable or phone. Bottom line – I haven’t had access to blog land reliably since Thursday.
Friday also brought about a friend from the past. In town unfortunately for unpleasant reasons. His mother had taken ill and was in the hospital. This friend of mine is also an ex of mine – and we’ve managed in our own weird way to stay friends in between saying ugly things to each other. We always seem to come around to an understanding that our lives are better with each other in them. I love him. He’s a good man.
This morning … a very odd happening indeed.
I woke up late (that’s twice in a row!) ended up driving my son to school as he missed the bus at his stop. Once I arrived at work (early – I’m always early to work, waking up late is not a deterrent) the front door opened and standing there was another ex.
Keep up now – this one is a fighter. Cage fighter/MMA. True to his hobby, he’s still fighting – and as I was to find out, still fighting for me.
Here’s where I get all Taylor Swifty. You’re in my life, you end up in a post. Anonymous of course.
“I came by because I was thinking of you”
“That would make sense”
We chatted a bit about Christmas, how things are going in general – upcoming fights. He was skirting around something … I could tell. And in all honesty, I didn’t want him to get to his point of being there.
My boss arrived and after saying ‘hi’ to my ex – he disappeared into the bowels of the building with the coffee carafe.
The point was then arrived at.
“I still love you, I thought I could get over you – but I don’t know why we can’t be together”.
“I don’t know what to say” I offered.
He started to leave and actually had tears in his eyes. I stood and gave him an awkward hug.
“We can talk about this another time” I heard myself saying.
What does it say about me that I can look into someones teary eyes as they tell me “I love you” and feel nothing. Nothing.
Had a fleeting thought that perhaps I have sociopathic tendencies, then decided, no.
Not one fiber of me has any interest in reviving that particular dead romantic horse.
I sat replaying the whole bizarre visit in my head. Then found myself getting pissed.
As romantic as his speech might have been in a movie – in reality, it doesn’t work that way. And speaking of work – I was AT WORK!
Who comes in to someones place of employment and assumes they have arrived at a rare moment in that persons day that they’re available for a chat?
I don’t work in a store, or a restaurant. I mean, I could see someone patronizing a business you work and waving, or even coming over to your counter or station and saying ‘hey!’ But … in an office – for a deep talk?
How selfish was it to come and bare his soul and leave? What if (and I wasn’t) but, what IF, I was affected emotionally by his monologue? Then I would have to sit all day, unable to focus on work that requires my concentration. Imagine dropping your child off at school – passing them their lunch box and saying: “Have a nice day – oh, and we’re putting the dog to sleep today”.
Then it dawned on me. And I could be wrong. But, maybe, just maybe he ran into my other ex. (It’s a small town). Maybe, just maybe he was wondering ‘why is he here? Is he here to see her?’ Then that’s more revolting to me. To come by and perhaps stake a claim or plant a seed in my head.
Guys are as bananas as girls ladies and gentleman.
I had jokingly put this up on my Facebook page:
Yeah … that’s me. But you know, I figured out enough about myself to know what is not healthy for me. For me, and for relationships period. And I ended my unhealthy ones. And just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I can’t see red flags just because they’re flying on someone elses flagpole.
Ironically, I took some time today to put hearts up in the office. (Valentines is just around the corner – according to every flipping store I’ve happened into). Hey – I’m not against love. Just don’t come into my bread and butter to declare it to me!