Category Archives: My Favorites

Losing a friend meanwhile, getting lost. Grief and Life.

 

Well, it was a long week.  And, I reached out a few times and many posts were not posted.

 

I’ll start with this so you may understand my absence.

 

 

And in the words of Mr. Gump.  That’s all I have to say about that.

 

The weekend she passed … here’s what I was doing.

A hike to Richardson Ranch.  This was the beginning of our adventure.  A friends dog stayed with me, probably because she knew I was the weakest link.

 

Part Two:

The ‘noose tree’  – We found it like that a long time ago.  I truly hope it wasn’t used for it’s intention. I truly hope it was designed to haul folks out of the dirt road.

Part Three: I explore Richardsons’ Ranch.

 

Moved on from there and …

Then this happened.  You know, they say ‘Don’t hike alone’ for a reason.  You could sprain an ankle, be struck by a snake, lose yourself.  Which, in this case, happened.  The lose yourself part.

We got home.

One more thing.  I’m watching ‘A Beautiful Mind’ and the doctor is telling John, “You can’t reason your way out of this!”.  Almost verbatim to my doctor telling me “You can’t smart your way out of this.”  Meaning, the anxiety.

But, I’ve made so much progress.

I can drive home.

I can drive to work.

I still do the rituals – my OCD is not going to leave me soon, but will.

I ask myself, things like:  How many times have you HIT a coyote?

How many times have you been in a crash?

How many times has a steer or rock fell off of the pass onto the road (yes, I thought about those things.)

I used logic, even while panicking.

I still acknowledge the unknown, as well as the very known – every cross on that road I take twice a day – but, now I make things practical in my head.

I don’t know what my friend went through in her last days, but I’m betting she didn’t see a light.  I’m betting no phone call or visit would have changed her state of mind.

 

I am here.

I want to be here.

I am making strives without medicinal help.

 

And – Bye for NOW.

 

Russian Doll Tangent

Just to tie things up in a bow for those of you who didn’t notice – the enlightened versions went in the same direction (Notice the karma scarf and her outfit).

Before:

After:

He has the ‘Karma Scarf’ on and she has her enlightened ‘I had a drink thrown on me’ outfit on.

The other two versions of her are passing her by going backwards out of the tunnel, whilst, they are going in.  Together.

 

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Turn the Page

This is the first Sunday I haven’t had to go to the laundromat.  My laundry basket was a third full, and, I was not going to muse a load and spend money on that.

Friday, I heard so many songs that resonated with me – the most important being, “Turn the Page” via Metallica.

I found myself lost in the lyrics and substantiating it with my anxiety disorder.  Let’s walk through this.

My life.

I get up.

I pee.

I take my meds.

I take my dog outside.

I come inside.

I feed all pets. (Butters plus my fish and Nic’s that he left)

I bathe and dress.

I take Butters out again, because she never goes the first time.

I watch some news.

I walk Butters again – just in case. Also, fix my lunch.

I walk out leaving cartoons on for my dog and say “gimme kisses and smisses”

Every. Single. Day.

Turn the page.


It’s fucking Groundhogs day!

But, I’m also diagnosed agoraphobic and have severe anxitey and panic disorder.

I have some comfort in repeated things.

I feel safe driving to work, being there, driving home.

I feel safe driving to the store – then … BOOM!

I’m lucky if I get through the shopping.

This might be too much information, but, if I’m helping just ONE person, I’m glad to share – my issue when I leave my house is like … Stomach flu.  I get INSTANT tummy troubles.  It manifests itself physically.

No joke.

So, I hear this song on Friday on my way home.  And it’s this.

I got this … Um, feel or glow or understanding the way I understood it.  I KNOW obviously what he’s talking about.  But, it SO resonated.

“You can think about the woman or the girls you knewthe night before”

For sure. Me. Knowing me. What I’m capable of being and who I am today.  Who I used to be.

“But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do.”

Check.

“When you’re riding sixteen hours and there’s nothing much to do, and you don’t feel much like ridin’ you just wish the trip  was through.”

I’ve had those moments too.  Wanting, just … To be done.

“There I am, on the road again.”

There’s only so many places I can go.  I am terrified on big traffic highways.  My anxiety comes on and I can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t feel my limbs.  It’s serious.

Also speaks to my daily drive to work, which I CAN do.  But the repedeance  is bonkers.

“There I am up on stage.”

Yup.  With a mask and a smile and a positive attitude.

Me with makeup:image

Me, with nothing but Chapstick.

image

“Out there in the spotlight, you’re a million  miles away.  Every ounce of energy you try to give away.  As the sweat pours out your body, like the music that you play”

And, again, I’m exhausted every. Single. Day.  I am. And I know the source.

And people that say “Anxitey” or “Depression” isn’t real, seriously need to talk to THEIR doctors about it.

“GET OVER IT”

“IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!”

Ok.

Let me take that route.

“Later in that evening, as you lie awake in bed, with the echoes from the amplifiers ringin” in your head, you smoke the day’s last cigarette remembering what she said.”

And then he was gone …

 

Me: you’re leaving? But wait …
*takes picture*
Me: I love you so much
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: what?
Nic: May Neptune watch over your soul
Me: (internally) Wtf?
Me: (out loud) ok (followed by massive sobs and ugly crying noises)
Nic: bye for now

It all happened too quickly. Can I get a do over? Please.

(My status on Friday, the 6th of January.)

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I knew it was going to hurt.  I had no clue how much.

Considering the state of me the day before,  work told me to please take the day if needed.  I knew as I arrived home Thursday that it would be needed.

To pull closer to your home, only to see your child’s car surrounded by cases and ‘I’m going away’ items well, let’s just say I was sobbing by the time I had put the car into neutral and pulled my emergency brake.

This was it.

The last night.

I walked, wet cheeked, into a home I had shared with him since High School.

Suitcases and vacuum sealed bags lay about the living room and kitchen.  His bedroom littered with debris from a lifetime together.

This was really happening.

I stood, purse in hand – unable to stop the tears.

 

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birds-leave

The following morning was a blur.

After watching him drive off – I entered the house (no longer feeling like a home) and broke.

Into a thousand pieces.

I cried myself to sleep.

I woke.

I cried some more.

I finally found the strength to enter ‘his room’.

And wished I hadn’t.

I grabbed a pillow abandoned on his unmade bed.  Inhaled deeply and returned to bed with it.  I clutched it so tightly.

And slept again.

In between the crying and the sleeping was the worrying – he was after all, embarking on a 27 hour trip across country.

Physically navigating terrain he’d never navigated before.

Just as I was emotionally.

 

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nest

It’s been 5 days since he left.

My dog, Butters has been out of sorts.

I’ve been trying to be ‘chipper’ at work.  Albeit, quite unsuccessfully on Monday.  I had made it through the entire day – catching up, slammed.

I was crunching year-end numbers just as I was informed the copy machine was acting up.

“I can only focus on one thing … I’ll call the copy people in a minute.”

A boss responded, “No, finish what you’re doing, don’t worry.”

And, out of my mouth?

“But if I don’t call now, Nic won’t come!!”

Our copy guy’s name is Christian.

Freudian slip led to tears.

They continued to fall as I stayed a little late and got everything done while everyone trod about me on eggshells.

 

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Another jarring moment was yesterday.  Nic had told me he would send photographs of where he was (having, obviously, safely arrived at his destination.)

I followed up and his response was:

“I haven’t been home yet. Lol I’ve. Been out all day”

Ouch.

Wasn’t ready for that sentence.

Home.

His home.

Not ‘our’ home.

And I’m going to have to get used to that.

I’m told repeatedly by people with the best intentions that his flight from the nest is a testament to my successful raising of him.

But I’m still trying to accept that.  And, it’s hard.  And it hurts.

However, I’m also very proud of him for taking such a ginormous step and embarking on a new chapter of his life.

For following his heart (literally, he left to be with his girlfriend of over three years.)

For bravely starting from scratch in a place he’s only visited a couple of times, and accepting the challenge to ‘adult’.

I’ll always be here for him.

I’ll always miss him.

And perhaps most importantly, always love him enough to let go.

 

nic-leaves

Time, screams and empathy vs lethargy.

When I heard the agonizing scream from outside to the table I sat notarizing documents upon, I knew something horrific had happened.

Then I heard the second “NO!!!!!”

I could barely focus – immediately the empath in me had eyes watering and vision blurred.

I absolutely felt the sorrow.

image

I had just seen the gentleman last week.  And when I say ‘Gentleman’ I mean that truly.

This was a happy, loving, GIVING person.  Fortunate due to the effort he’d put into his life and … suddenly gone at 56 and alone in his chair when he did so.   His wife was here waiting for his arrival when she got the news.  He passed alone.

He wasn’t sick.  He had plans, as we do.  But, time doesn’t factor that in for us does it?

A long time client and very dear friend to two of my bosses.

Today was filled with tears because, when someone I love is hurting, I FEEL their pain in a visceral way.

Also, I had experienced this person so recently and knew what kindness and generosity he shared.

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I found myself questioning again ‘The Higher Power’s’ choices.

One of my dearest friends started chemo today.

I’m ashamed to say, a fact I found out later in the day after receiving no response from her.

I was sick last week – and isn’t it silly that I didn’t want to visit her in my condition considering hers?  But, I didn’t want her immune system compromised for her impending procedure.

The woman who has given of herself and loved the helpless and hopeless.

Why not the pedophiles??  Why not the evil at heart???? WHY????  Why the good ones?  And don’t come back at me with ‘He has a plan.’

What plan would any father have to subject his smallest, youngest children to cancer?  To famine?  To fear and war?

None I say.

I’m a little bitter right now if you haven’t noticed.

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As we wept, I considered the fact that the two most affected already have a plan.

They want to spend the rest of their days together.  Retired.

And I’ve been looking at my life too.

What do I want for myself?

Nothing material, that’s for sure.

But with every ‘spell’  every ‘bad day’ physically, I find myself contemplating my last days.

And bottom line is:

image

Preciousness of the time I have remaining.

It could be gone in a minute.

Then I remember what is important.

I always do.

People.  Service.  LOVE.  Loving others.  Friends, family, strangers.

Not cars or clothes or cash.

It’s never been those things for me.  And I’m grateful I’ve always had that attitude.

But I DO ask myself is:

image

THAT is what is important.

So, if my last day on the planet is tomorrow – I hope I’ve fulfilled that last one at least!