Just ate a bug.
I’m sat outside, with my coffee – reading and reach for my cup and … ate a bug.
Then I looked up (after not so delicately thrusting my finger in my mouth to fish out the foreign coffee additive) and suddenly felt very lonely.
I don’t do ‘lonely’.
I like my own company.
So let me tell you, this feeling was quite a surprise to me!
From spitting out an unidentified flying protein, to contemplating my shelf life.
Just. Like. That.
Ms. Independent will be Ms. Depends.
Tutting at ‘those kids today’ and shuffling around in house slippers.
Probably eating bugs and not even realizing it.
Good news is I’m good at ‘alone’.
Earlier a THUD came from my bedroom. Without even thinking about it, I calmly got up and went to investigate.
It’s seriously ridiculous how unafraid I am of bumps in the night. I’d make for a boring horror movie.
They’d start the ‘increasingly intense’ music, pan to me rolling my eyes and lazily getting up to check out the threat.
“Cut! Can you try to look concerned?”
“Yeah – sure.” *Sigh*
“ANNNND – ACTION!”
Thud. Eyeroll. Feigned mild concern.
Maybe it’s because I know monsters don’t live in the dark – and that people who mean you harm don’t wait for you to turn out the lights …
Or maybe, it’s because I’ve vanquished so many monsters that the only things that alarm me are bugs in my coffee – and the prospect of depends.
It’s been quite bonkers the past few days. Teddy Bonkers even. Friday night brought the joy of electrical issues that weren’t resolved until Sunday afternoon. Last night I guess the cable got jealous and decided ‘Hey! We didn’t get to be the source of a problem!’ and shut down on me. Yet another day without internet, cable or phone. Bottom line – I haven’t had access to blog land reliably since Thursday.
Friday also brought about a friend from the past. In town unfortunately for unpleasant reasons. His mother had taken ill and was in the hospital. This friend of mine is also an ex of mine – and we’ve managed in our own weird way to stay friends in between saying ugly things to each other. We always seem to come around to an understanding that our lives are better with each other in them. I love him. He’s a good man.
This morning … a very odd happening indeed.
I woke up late (that’s twice in a row!) ended up driving my son to school as he missed the bus at his stop. Once I arrived at work (early – I’m always early to work, waking up late is not a deterrent) the front door opened and standing there was another ex.
Keep up now – this one is a fighter. Cage fighter/MMA. True to his hobby, he’s still fighting – and as I was to find out, still fighting for me.
Here’s where I get all Taylor Swifty. You’re in my life, you end up in a post. Anonymous of course.
“I came by because I was thinking of you”
“That would make sense”
We chatted a bit about Christmas, how things are going in general – upcoming fights. He was skirting around something … I could tell. And in all honesty, I didn’t want him to get to his point of being there.
My boss arrived and after saying ‘hi’ to my ex – he disappeared into the bowels of the building with the coffee carafe.
The point was then arrived at.
“I still love you, I thought I could get over you – but I don’t know why we can’t be together”.
“I don’t know what to say” I offered.
He started to leave and actually had tears in his eyes. I stood and gave him an awkward hug.
“We can talk about this another time” I heard myself saying.
What does it say about me that I can look into someones teary eyes as they tell me “I love you” and feel nothing. Nothing.
Had a fleeting thought that perhaps I have sociopathic tendencies, then decided, no.
Not one fiber of me has any interest in reviving that particular dead romantic horse.
I sat replaying the whole bizarre visit in my head. Then found myself getting pissed.
As romantic as his speech might have been in a movie – in reality, it doesn’t work that way. And speaking of work – I was AT WORK!
Who comes in to someones place of employment and assumes they have arrived at a rare moment in that persons day that they’re available for a chat?
I don’t work in a store, or a restaurant. I mean, I could see someone patronizing a business you work and waving, or even coming over to your counter or station and saying ‘hey!’ But … in an office – for a deep talk?
How selfish was it to come and bare his soul and leave? What if (and I wasn’t) but, what IF, I was affected emotionally by his monologue? Then I would have to sit all day, unable to focus on work that requires my concentration. Imagine dropping your child off at school – passing them their lunch box and saying: “Have a nice day – oh, and we’re putting the dog to sleep today”.
Then it dawned on me. And I could be wrong. But, maybe, just maybe he ran into my other ex. (It’s a small town). Maybe, just maybe he was wondering ‘why is he here? Is he here to see her?’ Then that’s more revolting to me. To come by and perhaps stake a claim or plant a seed in my head.
Guys are as bananas as girls ladies and gentleman.
I had jokingly put this up on my Facebook page:
Yeah … that’s me. But you know, I figured out enough about myself to know what is not healthy for me. For me, and for relationships period. And I ended my unhealthy ones. And just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I can’t see red flags just because they’re flying on someone elses flagpole.
Ironically, I took some time today to put hearts up in the office. (Valentines is just around the corner – according to every flipping store I’ve happened into). Hey – I’m not against love. Just don’t come into my bread and butter to declare it to me!
I’m being weaned off of my son. I have a relationship with the back of his head, and occasionally catch sight of him in the fridge.
I go into his room and try to watch him play whatever Xbox 360 game he’s playing at the time, but I have no clue what he’s doing! In a desperate attempt to relate I’ll even post this pic, but I have no idea what an ‘Enderman’ is.
He get’s to talk to his friends on a headset, so even when he’s cruising through the kitchen on his way to the computer, he’s still in a conversation with someone.
If he didn’t have great grades, I’d pull the plug.
ANYWAY, none of this is getting me to my point any faster.
The other night I found myself a little lonely and bored. And I thought, oh no! What is it going to be like when he’s in college/working/out of the house?!
Let me clear something up – I am single. I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I feel a lot more serene when I’m not in a relationship. I was pretty sure I’d be living the rest of my life this way, and I was ok with that.
I have an 83-year-old friend who said the other day something about not having a girlfriend. My imagination, as it invariably does, pictured him getting all gussied up for a lunch date – butterflies in his stomach and thought, AWWWW! That’s so CUTE!
So if I ever change my mind I guess it’s never too late.
I watch romantic movies and tear up – doesn’t everyone want that companionship, that ‘true love’? I didn’t think I did. I want to want someone – not need them. That whole ‘you complete me’ Jerry McGuire line makes me shudder. I want to be complete and offer that to someone who is also complete.
But there are things I miss. Something as simple as a hug. Or spooning with someone – laughing with them. Sharing your day – just … being touched. Physically, emotionally touched.
I stopped by a gas station after work yesterday and an older gentleman asked me how I was. I told him ‘Good, thanks!’ He replied with a little twinkle in his eye, ‘You look good’.
“Aw, thanks!” I said – and meant it. He made my day. It’s nice to be noticed. Not in a ‘Look at me! Look at me!’ vain way – but for someone to just … notice.
So I’m reconsidering the 30 cats I was maybe going to adopt. I’m certainly not looking, but maybe the guy for me IS actually out there somewhere. Who knows?
So here’s some prerequisites:
Must have a job or a dream he’s actually working to realize.
Must have a sense of humor.
Must be confident and positive most of the time.
Must love animals.
Must love kids.
Must love music – all genres.
Must have his own interests!
Must respect and encourage my interests.
Must leave me alone when I’m reading/writing.
Must not be needy.
Must adore me and cherish me.
Must be adored and cherished back.
Must not be racist, homophobic or an arsehole.
Must be kind to others.
Must be open-minded.
Must be somewhat eclectic and a little bananas. 🙂
If he knows how to fix cars and/or cook – then that’s a huge bonus. LOL!