Category Archives: Butters the dog
I peopled yesterday.
Tuesday night, my heart decided to go into overdrive – not anxiety, but my ticker issues. I reached out to one of my bosses who talked me through it.
I was terrified. Especially when I began experiencing disassociation and couldn’t form sentences correctly. THEN began the anxiety attack.
Wednesday morning, I couldn’t walk Butters.
(Who, by the way, is enjoying a cuddle day today – she’s been slowing up of late and walking stiffly.)
I was exhausted from the previous night. Shaky, and experiencing the ‘anxiety/heart cough’. Those who have anxiety know this. It’s an involuntary action that seems to try to regulate the heart beat.
Called another boss and explained I needed time to get into work as I didn’t trust myself to get in the shower. Dizzy, and felt like a new born lamb – wobbly on my feet.
Bottom line, ended up not going into work at all. Rested a lot and recovered.
I get so frustrated with the anxiety. I also get frustrated with the few people in my life who seem to think I choose to have these debilitating ‘spells’.
I do not choose this.
My heart is a horse of another color – and is pretty much managed with the digoxin.
Thing is though, because I do NOT choose the anxiety, I decided to put myself out there. Out … There. Eek.
O.K. So, onto the good stuff.
Yesterday I had plans with one of my dearest friends. We were going to have breakfast.
Simple enough no? Driving is hard for me – when I go outside of my comfort route.
I did it though.
Had a lovely time and rented a delicious meal. Lol.
(I got the veggie skillet – but it was still greasy, so, you get the reference, I won’t go more into that.)
At one point, my friend said this:
Her: I’m a terrible friend. I don’t call, I don’t visit.
Me: No you’re not! I know you love me, and I don’t call or visit either!
And truly, that saying – about friends who pick up right where they leave off is so true. I don’t question her love for me – and I hope she doesn’t question mine.
Actually, she can’t lol! She still works at the bank where we met so many years ago and every time I leave, in front of the entire room I say, “Bye for now, I love you.”
And she says it back.
Part two of the day.
Movie with another amazing friend.
When I met this guy – I felt an immediate pull. His aura is so genuine and lovely. He has many hidden talents and his authenticity is worn on his sleeve. I knew I adored him after just a few chats. Felt maternal and very happy to have found such an amazing soul.
We had plans to see Beauty and the Beast.
This is where things get funny.
I met him in the lobby of the theater.
(Another thing I love about him, he’s an ‘on time’ or ‘early’ person, like me.)
We get tickets and drinks and eagerly head to the theater room.
As soon as we enter and turn the corner to see the seats, I notice the back row pretty much filled (ok, maybe 8) with teens.
One says, “Hey, can you get me a drink?”
I didn’t think much of it, my eyes were still adjusting to the light and I figured he was talking to someone else.
He was not.
I ignored this and we chose a seat behind a mom and her two little ones.
Then when two more teens came in and sat further up, the ‘gangstas’ threw a flip flop down at the newcomers.
“Why you sitting down there?”
Now I’m alert.
My friend and I decided to take bathroom breaks one at a time before the movie. He went first.
While he was gone – things escalated a tad.
Now, I may be anxious, but I also have my moments of courage.
The back row was in full swing and when I heard one of them loudly toss the word ‘fuck’ around I whipped my head in their direction.
Me: HEY! There are little kids here!
Him: My bad – did you get me my chili cheese fries?
(Teen giggles from the peanut gallery)
Oh NO he didn’t. What the actual hell?
Me: You want me to stay here or am I going to have to get up?
My friend returned shortly after and mentioned he’d advised the lobby that there were some degenerates needing discipline. After I emptied my hamster bladder, I did the same.
When I sat back down, the irony of the entire situation occurred to me.
These wanna be thugs were thugging at Beauty and the Beast!
Movie was amazing, I cried the minute the iconic ballroom scene began. I remember thinking, “good thing Emma Watson has had so much experience acting with things that aren’t actually there.”
Then I had another thought, “what if wannabe thug has an older brother with a gun?”
But I did the right thing.
After all, this little Princess was there too. (Face blurred on purpose)
My friend and I left the movie and promised to see more together and after a hug said “Bye for now.”
Peopling worked out.
And today, with not even half a load of laundry, I stayed home loving on my pup, leaving only to grocery shop and pick up medicine. And on the way home … Teared up a little at such a lovely weekend.
I slept most of yesterday away – I feel guilty about that – like I’d wasted precious life time, then try to convince myself it’s a decadence I deserve occasionally.
As a result, after also going to bed early, I woke quite frequently in the night. But every time I did, I had that lovely sensation of ‘tomorrow is Sunday – go back to sleep’.
I haven’t been feeling well lately – for about a week I’ve been tired and have a strange goosebump thing going on. It only occurs on my left thigh. My vision has been blurry, my stomach upset and I’ve just been so tired!
I tried not to google – reached out to some friends and then yesterday, after the goosebump phenomena became more frequent, I flipping googled.
So now, I know, it could be anything from a B12 deficiency to a life threatening thing I can’t even pronounce.
I digress. So I slept a lot yesterday.
I awoke promptly at 6 a.m. Put the coffee on and grabbed Butter’s leash.
We ventured out into the yard and after stopping a few times to nibble on grass (her, not me) we headed to her spots.
“Hey! Let’s try to remember you have me on the other end of the leash.” This, after she tried to take me on an adventure.
It’s a gauntlet out there! She has mazes and pathways that I can’t join her in exploring. I end up quoting Star Wars’ Padme often, “You’re going down a path I cannot follow!”
There was the one time I tried and ended up in a Superman flight pose hung from a palm tree. No joke. It was like a scene out of Hellraiser.
Barbs dug into my skin suspending me while I tried to maintain hold of her leash. (She had just been spayed and I didn’t want her exerting herself.) Oh how I wish I had a picture of that for you – because looking back, it was VERY comical. Although, at the time, with blood exiting multiple puncture wounds, not so much.
Here’s one picture of her entering her maze. Look carefully, you can see her bum and tail.
And here she is on the other side.
The great thing about this morning was the fact that it’s overcast and we have rain in our imminent future.
As I drove to the laundromat, sparse sprinkles hit my windshield. Perfect weather for a Sunday.
And, perfect movie weather. I’ll get my chores done in record time and watch ‘Room’ which was finally available in the Redbox. And I will rest some more.
Because I’ve decided it’s not a waste of a day if you’re taking care of yourself.
I tried, I really did. I pulled out my iPad after giving my ‘laundry lady’ her Christmas ‘bonus’ :). I was so happy to be able to do that. I see her 52 times a year and each week, she has a smile for me – makes coffee and is sure the WiFi is working. So yeah, she got a little something.
But, Glaucoma Man WAS chatty Charlie this week – so I listened. And didn’t type.
So I’ve decided to share my day with you in photos.
FYI: My Nannie is being moved to a ‘care’ facility tomorrow. There is nothing more the hospital can do for her – and my mum is still over there. Of course she is. She is a strong, amazing, loving woman. And if I’ve been anything but positive this season, it’s because I miss her and I am wishing I could hold my Nannie’s hand.
Let’s get to those photos before I start being allergic to something and have water coming out of my see-holes.
I think my favorite bird has to be the sparrow. I love how they hop. I love how unassuming they are. Others might think them bland – I find them adorable. I captured a few in my ‘faux’ garden. I keep the plants to the right of this picture because they attract bees and we SO need bees, I keep that weed to the left of the picture because – well, because it makes me feel like I HAVE a garden. LOL.
This one – I keep telling Butters “Santa is coming!” I also told her today, “You’d better have a bath for Santa” and she hopped right into the tub. This was what remained of her after she went outside to completely dry off.
This was my clean ‘Bah’ before she left those prints. And the Pokemon towel in the background? That’s become hers – but I remember how much it meant to Nic when first purchased.
Flowers from last weekend wilting – 😦 They were from my son’s girlfriend and I adore them. You’ll also notice an Elinor Donahue cook book. Fun fact: One of my favorite people on the planet, and my son’s godfather is her son. I miss him and wish I could hang out with his lovely wife and gorgeous daughter.
Bumblebee has this outer seared inner sashimi thing available – and right now, there is a $2.00 off coupon available. I snatched it up. Add wasabi and soy and HEAVEN!
Just love how the light caught my little chair Santa. He’s actually supposed to be ON a chair – but, we don’t have a dining room table/chairs anymore. So, he get’s the cushy life. 😉
And lastly, my sleepy girl. We played ball after her bath so she would totally dry quicker. (That doesn’t seem like a grammatically correct sentence – but oh well.)
THAT was my Sunday.
I did laundry, chatted, shopped at Walmart and completely melted down due to um, being @ Walmart – wrapped,
took photos – ate yummy food and NOW! Now, I’m going to watch my recorded ‘Top Chef’.
I’ll post before Christmas, but if you don’t read before then, Merry Christmas or Merry whatever you celebrate OR just, have a happy week – and thank you for following and I wish you nothing but gratitude, love and peace. X
Ok. I’m going to give this a go. I am keyboardless and, as well as my fingers fly over an actual keyboard, is how NOT well the touch screen thing works for me. I’m awful at it. Which I think is partly the reason my ‘pay as you go’ cell phone terrifies me. The whole’ touch’ ‘swipe’ thingy combined with auto-correct, back up and do it again thing is like a bizarre millennial hokey pokey.
I didn’t want to open like this, and if I had a keyboard, it would start like this:
I’m scaring my dog.
Then it would go on to say:
She sticks close by, unsure of my current mood. Or, like yesterday, sticks close, positive of it.
I was alone and having one of the worst spells I’ve had in a while. Ms. Agnostic hit her knees and prayed “PLEASE don’t let me die right now. Not today.”
My heart was acting up big time. I could barely walk Butters. I took the three steps down to our yard and though, “oh my god, I can’t do this.”
But I had to do it. She needs me.
It was a quick walk around the yard, and when I came in, I felt like calling an ambulance. My face was flushed, heart pounding, dizzy. Yeah, taking the dog out to pee.
I know the difference between a ‘spell’ and my ever-increasing anxiety attacks. This popped up in my news feed the other day and I thought, “Yes!.”
Used to be I had a few triggers. Now, I have an arsenal. The screaming from the house next door, a weird sound coming from my car, crowds … Any sort of dispute in my ear shot. Now, add changing lanes in traffic, Butters taking off and barking in the yard.
My poor nails try daily to grow, but I hinder them and their quest.
I’m alienating friends, scaring off others. The only time I feel comfortable is at work or with my son.
Even when I DO ‘reach out’ I can’t find the right words and come off as a psycho.
My sleeping pattern is off. I’ve gained weight, which, is a good thing … But, I haven’t been trying.
top all of this off with my Nannie who has been in the hospital for a while.
I feel like I don’t get to say how much she means to me, because someone might be offended.
I also feel like someone may be offended by sharing my current state of, let’s just say it … Depression.
I am still quite capable of seeing ‘good’, I just don’t feel capable of participating in it.
Poor little Christmas tree is barely ever lit. I’m not counting Christmas down in ‘how many sleeps!!’
I’m just here.
And mostly smiling all day and then scaring the dog when I sit on my bed and cry.
But I did just notice my purse looking like a weird octopus, so I still have that.
(Cartoon art credit to Hyberbole and a Half … Please don’t sue me.)
I’ve had neither the discipline nor the inspiration to write of late. Not even a sea of new faces at the Laundromat last Sunday could tempt me.
Needless to say, there have been a LOT of life/routine changes.
New dynamics in the house: Two new roomies.
Getting used to living with someone you didn’t give birth to is weird!
Although, living with someone you DID give birth to has its moments too …
Adjusting has been surprisingly easy actually. It certainly helps being über comfortable with that person to begin with.
Helps that they spoon and tell you ‘I love you’ first thing in the morning even before you brush your teeth.
AND … Butters is enjoying her new friend the cat. That alone, was a HUGE relief for me!!
It was the only variable I was terrified could go horribly wrong!
I was certain, worrier that I am, that I would be getting a phone call advising that either: A) Butters eyeball was now located on cat’s claw. Or, B) Butters had just ended all 9 of the cats’ lives.
But those things did not happen. It’s a freaking miracle as far as I’m concerned. Okay, maybe not, probably the prep work, patience and work we put into their introductions had a lot to do with that one – and the fact that both fur kids are inherently sweet-natured.
Cat has a name. Draper. Poor Draper – reducing him to ‘The Cat.’
He’s so mellow – except when he gets a little bonkers in the morning … then there is that whole run at top speed from one room to the next feline ‘thing’ that happens.
He’s also learned to sit on the rug in front of the fridge alongside Butters when I am making my lunch sandwich in the morning.
Clever. Clever boy.
So they each got a bit of cheese and lunch meat, because they were being freaking adorable – which, started a bad habit.
I own it! My fault! Totally my fault. But they were working together and getting along so WELL during begging!
So anyway, here they are staring at ‘dad’ wanting some of HIS food. You’re welcome honey.
They are the alpha’s in the house, no doubt. They have us VERY well-trained.
I even managed to have one of those moments I only read about on the internet. My fiancée explaining that he came to bed only to find me, snoozing diagonally across the king sized bed – Draper curled in between my legs and Butters smashed up against my side – leaving him with the conundrum of ‘where the hell am I sleeping??’
SO now you’re caught up, turns out I will not be the cat lady – just a one cat gal – and a happy ever after after all.