I’m a woman who can appreciate the past. Because it has given me my future.
I think I knew back then, that if I allowed myself to love the man I shall be spending the rest of my life with – I would have ruined it.
I would have.
I know this about me.
The hypocrisy of love, is not being capable of giving it to someone until you first love yourself. Or perhaps it is not hypocrisy, but a very intelligent and kind way to weed out what is wrong in your life – and Darwinism to an extent, that you are selecting the right mate.
It took a long time for me to do this.
I have spent the weekend very busy – and took some time to myself. 13 minutes into ‘The Hours’ I was so completely smitten with the movie and could completely relate.
I watched some more, after indulging in sashimi (Smiths had sushi grade tuna on sale) then had to Stop! Drop! And Write!
I’m such a sensitive person.
I know this too.
I pick up on the smallest detail, the fainest scent, the most subtle of body language.
I’ve always been a writer. Well, first a reader. An avid reader.
I filled my spare time, (between being OUTSIDE with friends) with reading.
I’m blessed that most of my childhood not only lived up to those books, but exceeded them. I was reading Alice in Wonderland whilst in India, on a bus.
So – yeah.
I’m also a professional writer.
Paid for newspaper and magazine articles.
But – I am not a great writer.
I always wanted to write children’s books.
I started one – a while ago. I wanted to introduce children to ‘big’ and different words.
One started like this:
“I like big words. I like to say, “Persnickety”
My mom was that today.
She smoothed my hair, she ironed my socks,
She cleaned the hands of all the clocks.”
You can see where I was going with that – but I never finish anything.
So I’m watching this movie – and getting melancholy.
I asked myself, “Who am I loving you for?”
Needing for the reason I love my fiancé to be true, and pure, and real.
And they are.
Thing is – he sent me this picture.
They just bloomed out of nowhere apparently. And he lives in such an amazing place.
And he’s coming to this:
Which, may look pretty to some nature lovers out there – but earlier this morning, I had to have my son remove a ‘Ramshead’ (Arizona Burr) from my cuticle. It was not pretty. It was not pleasant. And yes, there was blood.
I don’t think I love myself enough yet to understand that he’s willing to live with burrs in lieu of flowers.
Does that make sense?
I don’t feel worthy.
This quote though, reinforces the very real feelings I have:
“When I’m with him I feel. Yes, I am living. And when I’m not with him … yes, everything does seem sort of silly.”
Love is in the air.
Not just because it was Valentines Day yesterday …
I’m sat across from the man of my dreams who is currently and aptly, sporting a Superman t-shirt.
He’s already dropped a pair of his underwear on the floor, on purpose – to honor the tradition. You’ve gotta love a man willing to do that.
He’s also currently chatting to one of the laundromat patrons. Talking about Idaho. Just as chatty as I am with strangers. (I will insist he does not accept the man’s candy though.)
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
We’ve spent our time together doing what we both do best. Nerding out. Countless Marvel movies … Walking Dead (that I saved until he arrived.)
Relaxing and catching up.
This is the man I loved 25 years ago – when he was still a young man. And the things we laughed about then, and the rapport we had then, hasn’t changed.
But it has too – in the best of ways. Because we’re ‘grown-ups’ now (I use that term loosely.)
And because the things we’ve experienced and the growth we’ve both gone through, has enabled us to be complete people sharing ourselves with one another.
Picking him up from the airport:
I was exhausted, having stayed up WAY too late, with the crazy idea I would sleep in the next day. I never can sleep in, so why I thought that night/morning was any different is beyond me. But I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve and sleep was the last thing on my mind.
After picking up the rental car, and since I was so tired, actually purchasing the insanely priced insurance – I was on the road. With Nic next to me.
All went well until we reached actual traffic – and to say I had a panic attack would be putting it mildly. I tried to breathe as Nic tried not to tell me how terrified he was to be in the passenger seat at that moment.
(He would tell me later, in no uncertain terms.)
In the terminal – waiting by the passenger pick up area, with coffee in hand, I was beside myself with anticipation.
After Skyping, over 6,000 IM’s … would I still be someone he would want to be with??
The minute I laid eyes on him, I knew for sure he was who I wanted to be with.
It was still my friend. In the flesh.
That first hug … I have no words. And the butterflies gave way to a peaceful, comfortable ‘home’ feeling.
Home is where we headed, Nic insisting he drive the car the rental company forbids anyone but me to drive.
“Mom, I’m better at this kind of traffic!”
I didn’t want us to die, so I caved.
Long story short, we got home safe.
Next, the ‘Butters’ introduction.
Went very well, TOO well, as she hasn’t left his side since he arrived. And everywhere we are, she wants to be.
He gave me socks. The best kind. Walking Dead knee highs and Iron Man. This man knows what I love. He also gave me a piece of our past – which I will treasure, always.
We went to breakfast and then watched True Romance – ordered pizza for dinner, relaxed until night came and went on the search for stars.
Probably that could have been planned better. We ended up on Route 66, in a patch of dirt staring up at the sky leaning against my car.
Gave up on that when nature called and headed further up until we reached an old mining town full of history and quaintness.
We found a little bar and I sipped a sprite as he enjoyed a beer while Zeppelin and the Doors filled the patio area.
Best Valentines Day ever.
But we know who I am. ‘Anxiety Girl’ has come out … as the days draw nearer to his departure, I’m filled with dread. You see, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know it could BE like this.
And I’m terrified I will have experienced it and it will go away.
And no amount of faith I have in how true and real this love is seems to be able to assuage that feeling in my stomach. That fear.
I’ve never been this scared to lose something so important before. Nothing has mattered this much.
But I need to stay in the moment, enjoy every second. I’m making lifetime memories and want to be certain he has an amazing time.
And tonight, we will be walking along a river, with music in the air and laughing (as always) and I’ll try, try so hard not to think about him going home.