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An honest conversation.

You would think today I would have an opinion of a certain party and an inauguration.

I do, of course, but, it’s not foremost in my mind.

My mind is endlessly thinking of a woman I love.

The woman I connected with and understand.

The woman fighting stage 4 cancer.

Thing is … As much as I don’t edit myself with people, I don’t with her either.

When she was well, she never co-signed my bullshit.  And I SO appreciated that!

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Got to talk to her tonight.

I think she finds it refreshing.  No platitudes. Just “So, what the heck?  What do they say?”  No “I’m praying for you.”

But I am.

To the God I don’t believe in.

I do like to keep it real and then SHE gets to keep it real with ME!

I get the full Monty, no editing.

And I get to ask again the questions other people avoid.

I love her too much not to know.

I love her too much not to be myself, and walk on eggshells.  ‘Healthy her’ would HATE that!

Don’t get me wrong, I have bawled my eyeballs right out … Put them back in and ‘Amanda’d’ up!

Because, while I can be honest, and handle her honesty, I still have a very sick friend and it tears me up inside.

Next time I’m in line at the bank and people are bitching, I’ll say, not my usual, but “You realize, I have a friend that can’t even STAND UP and would give ANYTHING to be waiting in this fucking line!”

Don’t doubt it.

I’ll do it!

 

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2013

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Filled with moments I’ve learned to treasure

and to stay in as long as I could

I’ve laughed with my whole heart

lingered there until the last exhale

I learned to cry

to release – but not to wallow

let tears fall … tasted them on my lips

the salt remembered.

Felt with each tick of the clock, page of the calendar

my mortality

life’s frailty

urgency to live

To savor.

My brushes have been wet with color –  hands covered with clay

My fingers typed so many words!

some that made a difference

many that did not.

My arms have circled family

friends

felt the warmth of what is truly valuable.

I’ve tasted such wondrous things!

Felt my soul soar to crescendo with arias and duets in my ears

Read books I could not put down

been shown new worlds

new ideas

rhythmic sentences

paralyzing paragraphs

I mourned their completion.

I’ve been enchanted by new love

watched my son fall into it

… for the first time

waves of emotion ebbed and flowed – the mother in me releasing her grasp …

(but never letting go)

I’m allowing hope to spread its wings

bracing myself to be brave

to let change

to let love

to let God

I celebrate with my heart this New Years Eve

not with clinking glass

I celebrate all that was

all that was not

all that will be

I celebrate the student I’ve become

and the mystery that’s me.

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Thanksgiving 2013 album

My favorite part of the day wasn’t the food (although, the food was amazing) it wasn’t the football (especially since the Packers lost ARG!) it wasn’t driving home and seeing Christmas lights …

My favorite part of the day, wasn’t even eating a spoonful of freshly whipped cream.

It was sitting across from my son at a table of six, making eye contact with him and getting the giggles.  No words were exchanged, they weren’t needed – and we sat trying hard not to laugh as we shared a private joke.

It proved to be impossible and Nicholas ended up leaving the table before he completely lost it.

We laugh … A LOT! Just moments ago – we hugged and I told him “I love you – I’m thankful for you. ”

I’m so blessed to have such a strong connection with my son.  Having spent so much time together alone (that didn’t sound right to me the first time I said it either) we have a bond that is unbreakable.

Hope all who celebrated Thanksgiving and Hanukkah today had many moments that made them smile – and many things to be grateful for.

Here is a sampling of our day.

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Pre-dinner silly poses.  I pointed out the sticky-up-hair after the pic 😉

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Still unfed – but full of happy

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The table – pre-food laden

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Visited by my moms dog – Meesha

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Went outside to escape the smell of the cooking food – Nic caught a candid moment

image Now I’m just really restless and messing around

AND THEN!

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I had no room for dessert – except for that spoonful of whipped cream. 😉

Tomorrow – we’ll recover from a week of food debauchery – no black Friday for us.

If you plan on going – be careful out there!

New marbles – and how Independence Day sucked

Warning: Strap yourself in for this one, or you will incur whiplash.  I’m shall be swerving from topic to topic and tangent to tangent.  Keep your hands and arms inside the post at all times.  Any appendages not safely and securely contained within the blog are in jeopardy.  You have been warned.  Now you can’t sue me.

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Ah the irony of my Soul Stretch post and the bundle of insane that I became yesterday.  I should have remembered to stretch.  ALWAYS stretch.

This morning a customer said to me “I don’t know how you do your job, I couldn’t do it.  And you’ve been SO sweet!”  Evidently she didn’t notice my eye twitching involuntarily nor was she aware of the length I go to in order to keep my ‘thought Tourette’s’ safely tucked into my mind and not allowing them to come out of my mouth.

I am good at my job.  I’ll give me that.

But DAMN it’s stressful some days.

I battle with underwriters, absurd lending guidelines, government rules all whilst fielding a daily barrage of panic from realtors, escrow officers and customers.

All with a smile.  All while breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth and staring like a Jedi at my ‘shut-up-Buddha’ willing him to transfer to me his serenity and ability to not speak.

I lost it a little earlier.  Just a smidge.  Okay – let’s be honest.  If someone had a straight jacket handy, probably they would have cut their eye from it, to me, to it and back to me – deciding whether or not it was possible to slip it on me safely.

I was googling funny pictures about stress.  Found this particular one and what bubbled up as an innocent fit of giggles, turned to eye watering, uncontrollable bursts of laughter.  The poor loan officer, only feet away from me must have wondered what the hell was going on – as I convulsed in my chair barely able to breathe.

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No, no … none of that actually happened.  Well, not to me.  Clearly it happened to someone or:

a) it wouldn’t be an ecard and

b) it wouldn’t be relatable to any recipients. 

Oh gawd, this DID happen to someone didn’t it??

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Let’s go back in time shall we … all the way back to last Wednesday.

This was my little Wednesday arm.

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I decided, since I am rolling in money – to spend a large chunk of it and some of my copious free time at the ER. (Ouch, sarcasm sometimes hurts when you type it)

I have a heart condition called ‘Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia’.  And I swear, this is the last time I want to talk about or mention this.  Basically, my heart misfires electrically sometimes (okay, quite frequently) and get’s all confused and thinks I’ve just run a marathon when I am actually doing something really physically exhausting like sleeping, resting or sitting in an office chair.  That crazy mixed up heart of mine.  It’s silly ;).

What then ensues is me – getting to experience all the fun symptoms of a heart attack, without the heart attack part.  I do relaxation breathing – if I can walk steadily, I’ll find the nearest sink and run my hands under cool water (that seems to help sometimes) or, I’ll go sit with someone, usually my friend Betty if at work, and just listen to her talk about anything but how I’m feeling.  (Because if I focus on the fact that I’m not feeling well, it gets worse) And, eventually my spell passes.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

And I know my ‘normal’ now – and I’m used to it – so when something different starts to join the tachycardia party, I get scared.

Little arm day, was brought on by three really painful, sharp thuds in the center of my chest, after trying my breathing solutions and cool water trick.

And I’ve been experiencing rapid heart beat when I exert myself lately.  You know, like climbing the three steps to my porch or getting up too quickly. Serious exertion 😉

It’s a good thing I’m thin, because I can not exercise.  You will not see me jogging or doing jumping jacks … ever.

Stress also doesn’t help.

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Oooo!  First tangent.  Speaking of sex … So, I’m wearing a dress that my friend gave me, and shoes that she gave me.  I went into her office and said “Hey, if you’ve got a hair clip and a pair of underwear I can wear I’ll be head to toe Betty”  To which she replied, “Hair clip I could do … the underwear would end up around your ankles”  (She was referring to my thin frame) To which I responded “Ah … the good old days.”

It’s been a while since my underwear was anywhere but on me or in the laundry basket.  But … anyway.

Let’s now turn to yesterday – the day I lost my last marble.

Fourth of July.  My original plans included a man I adore, my son, BBQ at my parents and a four-day weekend.  Not bad eh?

What actually happened:  Argument with my son, spending the day alone crying like a basket case and not even having a hot dog.

To be fair – and I am fair … my part in this argument was that I was already stressed out – the man I adore has been unavoidably delayed, I’ve been worried, I had my little arm day, and I just had a shorter fuse than usual.

Instead of being the mature parent that I am, (that time the sarcasm hurt less … hmmm … clearly if you use it often it gets easier) I resorted to bringing up every single thing I was pissed off about instead of staying on current topics.  My words were pretty venomous and I was ashamed of that.  I did own my part in that – I did apologize later for being so ugly.  It was wrong.

I won’t go into detail about the argument – but suffice it to say, someone stormed out (and it wasn’t me) and the argument continued online.  What have we come to?  That we argue on IM?   Although, it’s nice to point out in black and white proof of a sentence when someone says “I never said that!”  HA!

One such sentence (that wasn’t denied) was “I’ll move out”.  Oh gawd.

I should have taken into consideration that without a vehicle, job or place to go – this was an empty threat – but my mood at that moment didn’t allow for logic.  I was mortally wounded by that notion.

He wanted his independence.

Independence??  He goes where he wants, when he wants – has no obligations around the house and the house to himself all day while I work?  It’s not as if he lives in North Korea?!

Anyway, none of this was funny yesterday at all.  Awful day.  He did come home.  We did talk.  And I gave him the biggest hug I could muster.

But after a good two weeks of stressing out – that was the last straw for me.  I lost my last marble.  Gone.  Poof!

I decided today to do the only sensible thing I could.

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I’m guarding these ones – and I will keep smiling – breathing and laughing. 

An answered prayer – friends.

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Boy, things can flip on a dime if you want them to and you ask them to.

Last night was a cathartic post for me – after feeling awkward as arse about being gussied up all week.  But before bed, I was feeling a little down in the dumps and my usual prayers started off a little differently.

I started out with a pray for me.  I asked “God, please help me”.  My God is of no specific religion.  He loves me.  He sees into my heart and knows just what I need.  Always.  My Faith is in Love.  That is my God.  He is love.  A higher power that I see in every blade of grass, every ‘weed,’ every smile, every cloud, every note of music.

Anyway.  Last night I was warmed first with a comment from one of my dearest friends on my post.  Then with a message from a friend of years and years ago.  In 6th grade, when I first transplanted to the US, he teased me and called me an English muffin.  He grew into a handsome man who has served his country, makes me laugh on Facebook with his statuses and if I’m being totally honest, if we weren’t in different States, I’d be wanting to spend time with. 😉

Today – I spoke with another friend who I worked with for years in the same industry.  It was so lovely to talk to her on the phone.  After the initial ‘is this really you? It doesn’t sound like you’ it was as if time hadn’t passed at all.

I came back into my office later in the day to find another friend – who I worked side by side with for 6 years.  Literally.  lol.  Our office was small but we got along so well that it was never a bad thing.  We laughed and caught up.   She’d just left a salon appointment a few doors down and stopped in.

But what are the odds of that being today?  I haven’t seen her in over a year.

I am SO very blessed when it comes to friends. My best friend and I email most every day – and one of my favorite people works in the real estate office next door.

Then I got to thinking on the ride home – listening to my guilty pleasure, the Mama Mia soundtrack.  I recant my ‘I have never been in love’ stance in an earlier blog.

I have loved.  I have loved as much as I was capable of at the time.  I gave all I had.

I’m not as broken as I thought I was.  I have issues – who doesn’t?  I also have tons of people who love me just as I am.