I spent this weekend relaxing, for the most part – and at one point, dancing! By myself in the living room.
Just because I could I suppose, but also because the weather is mild and there was (and still is) a mellow breeze in the air.
This is the calm before the ‘heat storm’.
Calm climate brevity.
It won’t last long. Soon I’ll be plugging the fans back in and paying extortion type rates for electricity to run the A/C
Also now regretting ‘the bangs’. Shortly they’ll be wet and plastered to my head.
Began reading again.
The WIFI in the laundromat has been touchy. Today wasn’t working at all and in anticipation of this, I packed a book.
The thing is – I stopped doing things I used to love a while ago.
When was the last time I wrote in my diary? Last time I painted? Last time I grabbed my camera and left the house in search of something wonderful?
My life used to revolve around my kid and now … I’m stuck with myself.
When people say (and, I must be odd enough for them to actually say this) “I wonder what it’s like in your head”. I respond with “Well, don’t go in there unattended”.
And now here I spend all my home time doing just that.
I feel like a bird in an open cage – choosing to stay inside.
There are amazing days. Revelations and epiphanies. Also darkness and fear.
It’s like a ginormous abacus is before me and I’m pushing the beads – weighing pro’s and con’s – trying to calculate my future (as if I have a say in that ultimately).
I’m no spring chicken anymore. People I love have passed. People I love are sick.
I have health issues myself – a few I haven’t shared with anybody and I’m afraid to know more about. Ignorance is bliss no?
My patience wears thin at those around me with no gratitude. No sense of urgency to enjoy their abilities or what they have. Or, to push further to have more connection to what is really important!
My go to example is the bank.
When there’s a line and I hear someone whining about standing in it all I can think is:
There are people who would give anything to stand in this line! Seriously.
The ill and the housebound.
Just to have the ability to stand unaided – without pain. Even just to BE at a bank, which, clearly means you’re there for a financial transaction.
Those with nothing wouldn’t mind that particular inconvenience.
Sadly, I haven’t been living up to my potential either. So, rather than be a hypocrite, I’m owning that and sharing it with you.
I’ve let my very humble home go – when it comes to deep cleaning.
I’ve lost joy in things I used to love.
But this peri-Summer breeze is a gentle awakening.
I want myself back!
And I want MORE for me.
Not more ‘stuff’ – in fact, I need to purge my life of a great deal of material things.
I want … Hope.
I want to feel like I contributed at the end of a day.
I want the people I love to FEEL it without any doubt.
I want to get pulled back into books and to be a better writer.
I haven’t been proud of anything I’ve written in a very long time – and I used to be good.
Admitting that alone is huge!
And, I want to dance in my living room.
LIVE in my ‘living’ room and not just beach myself on my Chaise Lounge with a remote control in my hand.
Time to get my finger off the pause button and press play.
This is the first Sunday I haven’t had to go to the laundromat. My laundry basket was a third full, and, I was not going to muse a load and spend money on that.
Friday, I heard so many songs that resonated with me – the most important being, “Turn the Page” via Metallica.
I found myself lost in the lyrics and substantiating it with my anxiety disorder. Let’s walk through this.
I get up.
I take my meds.
I take my dog outside.
I come inside.
I feed all pets. (Butters plus my fish and Nic’s that he left)
I bathe and dress.
I take Butters out again, because she never goes the first time.
I watch some news.
I walk Butters again – just in case. Also, fix my lunch.
I walk out leaving cartoons on for my dog and say “gimme kisses and smisses”
Every. Single. Day.
Turn the page.
It’s fucking Groundhogs day!
But, I’m also diagnosed agoraphobic and have severe anxitey and panic disorder.
I have some comfort in repeated things.
I feel safe driving to work, being there, driving home.
I feel safe driving to the store – then … BOOM!
I’m lucky if I get through the shopping.
This might be too much information, but, if I’m helping just ONE person, I’m glad to share – my issue when I leave my house is like … Stomach flu. I get INSTANT tummy troubles. It manifests itself physically.
So, I hear this song on Friday on my way home. And it’s this.
I got this … Um, feel or glow or understanding the way I understood it. I KNOW obviously what he’s talking about. But, it SO resonated.
“You can think about the woman or the girls you knewthe night before”
For sure. Me. Knowing me. What I’m capable of being and who I am today. Who I used to be.
“But your thoughts will soon be wandering the way they always do.”
“When you’re riding sixteen hours and there’s nothing much to do, and you don’t feel much like ridin’ you just wish the trip was through.”
I’ve had those moments too. Wanting, just … To be done.
“There I am, on the road again.”
There’s only so many places I can go. I am terrified on big traffic highways. My anxiety comes on and I can’t breathe, can’t see, can’t feel my limbs. It’s serious.
Also speaks to my daily drive to work, which I CAN do. But the repedeance is bonkers.
“There I am up on stage.”
Yup. With a mask and a smile and a positive attitude.
Me with makeup:
Me, with nothing but Chapstick.
“Out there in the spotlight, you’re a million miles away. Every ounce of energy you try to give away. As the sweat pours out your body, like the music that you play”
And, again, I’m exhausted every. Single. Day. I am. And I know the source.
And people that say “Anxitey” or “Depression” isn’t real, seriously need to talk to THEIR doctors about it.
“GET OVER IT”
“IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!”
Let me take that route.
“Later in that evening, as you lie awake in bed, with the echoes from the amplifiers ringin” in your head, you smoke the day’s last cigarette remembering what she said.”
Long chats with my Laundry Lady and Glaucoma Man today.
I gave Laundry Lady my phone number in case she ever needs anything. She doesn’t have a car. Depends on her roommate to get her to work and home. She’s been working there for over 8 years – no vacation pay – no benefits. I learned so much more today about her.
She mentioned she hates working the morning shifts, but loves seeing me. That made my day. Because I feel the same way. For over 6 years I’ve waddled into that building, weighted down by my laundry baskets. And I can count on seeing her sweet face and her beautiful smile. I can count on her putting on the coffee and having a brief chat.
I’m making a point of being more involved and engaged with people in my life.
Received some bad news recently about someone I love dearly … And it rocked my world. I’ll keep them anonymous, but, the news was the ‘C’ word.
Inoperable ‘C’ word.
And what angers me so much is that this person is so very good and kind and loving and giving. And too young for such a diagnosis.
This person has so much to share with the world and the world needs them!
It’s that stage of life now isn’t it? Late 40’s. Where you start hearing about people falling ill or worse.
There are some other people in my life, who will also remain anonymous, who have been madly in love for over 41 years. I mean, seriously, deliriously and obviously in LOVE. Still get butterflies when they see each other. It’s palpable. Their love is something you can almost reach out and touch it’s that real. They’re ridding themselves of material things and readying themselves for retirement. They want to spend the rest of their lives traveling and loving one another.
I think that’s beautiful. And I find myself envying what they have in a non-green way. I’m happy for them, so very happy for them – but yes, there is a part of me that knows I will never have that and a part of me yearns for it.
I’m flying again on Thursday – to see that someone special again. Spreading my wings, exploring options – overcoming fears and giving life a look.
I will say that I AM fortunate. I’ve done more in my lifetime than most. Traveled and soaked up other cultures, beliefs and people.
From France to India in a bus full of eclectic passengers. I’m forever grateful for that experience.
Had an amazing day yesterday seeing another person I love. A dear friend and practically a brother. We grew up together in England. His mother is my God Mother and there was a point our parents, who are still dear friends, lived together. We reenacted a photo taken 43 years ago.
Here it is.
But as I was leaving, I had a sinking feeling we may never see one another again. And it made me sad and so very aware of time. Time and the passage of it. Of life and its beautiful uncertainties.
My son leaves in January. I was reading a Facebook memory yesterday (thank goodness for those by the way) and it was me sharing my gratitude of spending time with him. 5 years ago yesterday we were curled up on the couch watching ‘Up’ and I expressed how precious I knew that moment was.
I was in that moment and knew with my whole heart how important it was just to spend that time – because life is so fleeting.
I hope I never forget to feel that way.
No matter what happens, I’ll endeavor to cherish the important people and things.
Because once the curtain comes down, there’s no more time to say “I love you.”
And the clock ticks on. Life is in session.
“If you need change, I can’t give it to you.”
My laundry lady went on to say, “The girl last night locked the vault.”
Made me start thinking about how much I DO need change. And not the break a twenty kind.
But I’m working on that. Vaults be damned.
I guess this is kind of a change … Sure not ginger ale.
And, thanks to our recent monsoon shenanigans, there are all these fun plants wrapped around mundane objects, really found this beautiful.
So, there’s a couple of changes.
But not the ones I had in mind.
There comes a day when you wake up, look around you and realize, “I am approaching 50 and I haven’t much to look forward to.”
There comes a day when you wake up and repeat your day like a pattern and loathe it.
I have an unchecked lottery ticket in my purse. A dream of what my life could be and health issues I want mended.
I have a bonkers sense of hope, and a realistic feeling of being ‘stuck’.
Those things coupled become completely frustrating.
It’s like ticking off days on a calendar, only, it’s the countdown to the end.
So, what do I want to change, and how to go about it?
I’ll know more about that soon.
Mostly though, I stay in the moment and appreciate my life.
But I can’t keep doing my pattern forever. I need more for myself.
I am capable of change, and open to it.
Now I just need to check that lottery ticket I suppose.