Oh. My. God.
Well Soupers, I can officially share with you that I am a home owner! With my partner of course.
It happened on May 25th. Close of escrow.
Our one year anniversary came on the 28th, one day before my birthday. Which, was almost eclipsed by our new official situation, but, not entirely.
Yeah, yeah, I see the dust too, I live on a dirt road, I can’t wash my car without coming home and being completely undone in that arena.
So hush. LOL.
I didn’t pack a thing. Not a thing. Because, I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ anything. (I lived to regret that.)
We’ve done runs up and down, and, let me share now that it will be a 40 minute commute to work each way – but, well worth it!
I didn’t completely understand the gravity of this situation until … today.
My honey is out-of-town to be with his kidlets, (who arrive on this month for 3 weeks! 🙂 ) and I went up today to water the trees and set up a shower curtain and take up my kitchen island. Ah. How relaxing. And, it was! While I was there.
Past week was spent juggling work, initializing utilities, cancelling current ones in the future …
Here’s us, the ‘public view’ of this experience.
(Obviously taken before he left town)
Aaaand, here’s me now.
I have learned that … A) I am getting what I deserve after dropping so many things on my parents after I moved!
This is my son’s room …
We have what is called a Quonset hut which is HUGE! And almost all of the shelving is currently occupied by ‘Nic Barn’.
I’m sorry mom.
B) I kept too much stuff!
I am the Queen of nostalgia. Every card, every note, every memorabilia of an event I participated in! Because why? Is any one going to care after I pass? Is it the Holy Grail? NO! My sentimental things are bordering on MENTAL!
I had a hard time throwing these out! These are old food containers people! But, because my son wrote such sweet things on them, I kept them! I took a photo, because I’m still not over such things, then tossed. (With a little whimper.) You can understand what I’m up against.
C) This shit. And, I swear I said out loud to my DOG, “Where the fuck did I put the tape????” at least 20 times today.
I haven’t even started on my bedroom, which, of course, contains my ‘most special things’ AKA: pouring over stuff for too long and reminiscing and not getting anything done!
There needs to be a service. Someone who will literally just sit there and crack a whip when you’re getting tired, or taking too many breaks.
D) I will be SO happy when this is over and I get to read THIS and laugh. I so hope for that moment, while my back is killing me and my space is a disaster.
There WILL be a time, in the future when I’m reading this and will tell myself, “You did it!”
My current status …
I’ve been pretty, um, I want to say ’emotional’ but, truth be told I’ve been a completely withdrawn, passive aggressive bitch. Not just to my son.
It’s as if I want people not to like me so that it will be easy to wean myself off of them.
There’s four pretty significant things getting me down lately – but I’ll just speak on this one.
How to drive home January 6th 2017, not see my son’s car outside of our home and not completely shatter.
Let me clarify again, I am very happy for him. I am very proud that he’s leaping headfirst into the world. I am terrified of his 27 hour trek across the States however.
And fuck! I’m going to miss my kid!!!!!!!
He is the only person I know or have ever met that can make me laugh every single day! The only person I can be completely myself around and be certain I’ll be loved.
Obviously my bitchy depressed mode hasn’t gone unnoticed by him.
Evidenced by, not only my attitude, but the fact that in spite of hosting Thanksgiving this year, I hadn’t one shred of Christmas up.
I’m usually the eager Christmas beaver, wanting to festoon my home as soon as it is socially acceptable. Not this year. I had no joy. No excitement. I also spent the whole 4 1/2 days, other than Thanksgiving day, in my room.
This past Sunday, after the laundromat, I shrugged back into my pajamas and settled in to continue my very important 4 day activity … being horizontal while attending my Netflix pity party binge.
In walks my son.
Him: Let’s go to Oatman for lunch. My treat.
Me: I don’t want to go to Oatman. I was going to take a nap.
Him: OK, I’m going to get ready, then we’ll go to Oatman.
Me: Nic … I really don’t want to go anywhere.
Him: OK, we’ll go to the Hualapai’s instead.
Me: No! That’s too far!
Him: OK, Oatman it is.
He left. And I lay with remote in hand – 3 day old pajamas and a body awash in guilt.
The countdown has begun for the end of this chapter with my favorite person. And I have been pushing him away instead of making each moment count.
I got up.
Ran a brush through my hair.
Swiped my eyelashes with mascara – colored my pale lips.
Dressed warmly – the gray skies were threatening to water our desert.
And found him.
And off we went.
And the moment we began driving my spirits lifted. I was already laughing before we reached our highway.
We encountered a burro blockage as we approached our destination.
Burro was not budging.
The closer we came to Oatman, the more the burros. Here was our escort.
We parked and sauntered into the town we’ve spent so much time together.
Stopped in all the old familiar places. Enjoyed the warmth of an old fireplace as we ate lunch.
And then …
And then it occurred to me this might be the last time we did so together … alone.
My heart ached.
And as if on cue, as my eyes welled, the skies opened – and we walked in the rain. Unfazed by it. We have that in common – our love for the rain.
We took our time heading for the car.
Took our time driving.
Stopped. Enjoyed more time in the rain.
I can honestly say the day ranked up there … one of the top 10 days I’ve ever spent with my baby. My ‘baby’ who has become man enough to understand and to put up with my mood swings. Man enough to know that I needed that nudge.
I put our small tree up.
I’ve yet to find an extension cord in order to light it, but it’s a significant beginning.
And as for my sweet son and his upcoming departure? His significant beginning? I’m learning there’s no need for the cord that once joined us.
He’ll continue to make me laugh – from afar.
He won’t stop loving me nor I him.
It will be a slow process for me – learning how to live in a home he no longer shares with me.
And it will be an exciting and strengthening process for him … learning how to ‘adult’ and not having to share a home with me.
I was walking Butters for the first time this morning (more on that in a bit) and was sleepy, and it was Monday, and had this sudden thought (not for the first time) “Is this it?”
Every weekday morning.
- Get up
- Walk Butters with no results
- Come inside
- Feed and water Butters
- Check Facebook and Email and collect my ‘faux’ chips on a game I like to play
- Turn on the news
- Get in the shower
- Do my hair – put minimal makeup (concealer, a dusting of rice powder, mascara and some color on my lips)
- Get dressed
- Take Butters out again (with no results)
- Watch more news
- Take Butters out for a THIRD time – with results
- Make my lunch
- Leave the house for work
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that:
- I woke up
- My dog woke up
- I have food to give my dog and I
- I have a job to go to
But, I’ve got that hamster wheel feeling again! Ground Hog Day!
Which is also why I don’t feel the least bit guilty about some debauchery this weekend supporting a friend at the Gentleman’s Club she works at.
I missed her – wasn’t able to attend her wedding since I was holding down my mum’s house as my Nannie passed. The minute I got wind of her returning to work, I wanted to be there.
Back to the wheel.
Butters and I are standing in the dirt yard – where my rented single wide sits and I just was SO overwhelmed with … “IS THIS IT?”
I used to own a home! I used to have ‘extra’
Now I’m just creeping up on 50, renting and single.
Not only single, but if the PERFECT man came into my life, I’m such a hot mess that:
- My pride would interfere with anything he tried to help me with. I won’t take money. I couldn’t ‘move in’ with him. I am TOO independent.
- I’m so used to being alone he’d have to ACTUALLY be ‘Perfect’ to deal with me
- I put my son before any other relationship and at 21, he’d still have to be part of a ‘package deal’
So, screwed right?
I have no savings – no retirement – no health insurance.
I DO have a car payment (as most of us do, I know) a little bit of debt and health issues.
Therefore, the retire part of this … Doesn’t seem to be in my future. Lol.
THEN! I went to work.
In a gorgeous new dress.
Let’s talk about this.
I received some gift cards to a local shop for my birthday.
First visit – I’m thinking ‘practical’.
It’s been in the 120’s here in Arizona and I’m DREADING my electric bill.
Yes, I can handle SOME heat – but no, my dog (Butters) can’t.
So, we’re running the A/C and believe me, it’s been RUNNING!
I set it at 82 and we usually don’t get this kind of heat until mid-July.
So! With my birthday gift cards, I bought (drum roll please)
CURTAINS! Sigh. Darker curtains to block some of the hot desert sun from our little home.
Well, curtains were too long. (Yes, yes I measured before buying and took said inaccurate measurements with me.)
I returned them the next day and for once, put myself first. With $80 I bought: two dresses, one top, two pairs of earrings, a pair of shoes AND a very unnecessary spritzer that moisturizers while ‘affixing’ your make up. (Pretty ironic as I have just shared with you my make up regime lol). But I put that dress on today, I put those shoes on today, I put those earrings on and I spritzed.
I walked into work feeling like a million dollars, and it was noticed.
Okay, here’s the dress, although, the pic doesn’t accentuate the sheer last inches of it.
With my pedicured toes (thanks to my mum this weekend) and a new outfit I was invincible!
Which is good – because Monday came with copier crashes – which I was on the phone and online with tech support for a while about. A website I’m creating for a new agent which had DNS glitches and an urgent need for an owner to get home, who I drove.
A TOTAL Monday.
Some customers came in late in the day and while interacting with their agents, I was introduced.
“Is this the agent that has that house for sale on (such and such) street?”
Me: (I smiled) No, I’m just a minion.
Them: If you weren’t here would the cogs stop turning?
My bosses … The owners … “Yes, they would.”
“This is Amanda.”
And in that moment – I knew I was important there. I KNOW I’m important at home … And I know I’m important on the planet.
And maybe, just maybe – this isn’t ‘it’.
I have so many friends, but they’re so far away, perhaps someday, when I’ve put in the work – I can be with them, or close to them. And maybe not retiring is a good thing.
I’ve had my travels, I’ve gone from France to India on a bus already for goodness sake!
Had experiences only a few could dream of!
But right now … Just right now – it’s enough that I work with people I love and live with people I love. And I get the feeling, ‘this isn’t IT’.
It’s been a while since I’ve written and I’ve felt the tug and ache of not doing so.
We have family matters going on that, let’s just say, have me covering for my mum at her house – and having my son take the reins at our home.
I’ve been here … 10 days? I feel sometimes like I’m on an island and have forgotten to carve notches into a tree to track time.
First and foremost, I miss my son, I miss my dog, I miss ‘my’ routine.
But, what I’m doing is necessary and above ‘me’ and I am glad to do it.
So let’s get to the ‘Pros’ of being here eh? Keeping the chin up and all that!
Wait – no – first, the ‘Adjusting to the routine’ Cons. Which aren’t really ‘cons’ but, just stuff that I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared for.
Stairs. (And trust me, with C.O.P.D and a heart condition, this is either majorly helping, or killing me lol!)
2 Litter boxes
Turning over and picking up dog
Add to that work in the middle and adjusting to new meds.
OH! And two homes worth of food. $$$
Here’s my horrible view from the room I’m now sleeping in:
And here is the awful view from the couch 😉
And as for those stairs? While I can’t breathe going up them, coming down them affords me this view:
Have I mentioned the pool?
I actually told my laundry lady I wouldn’t be there for a few weeks – she worries about her ‘regulars’ (gawd, I feel like a ‘John’)
So, I am using laundry thingies that play a tune when the cycle is done.
I do have ONE major issue with the washer …
(Other than it looks like something yawning with its eyes closed) … Steelers magnets!!!!! STEELERS! As a Packers fan, it feels like blasphemy every time I use it.
Other than all of this – today, I accomplished much.
Cleaned – went over the river to visit my son and dog – put in a prescription and shopped for food.
I even got to talk to my mum this morning.
Now, I shall introduce you to the little clan I’m keeping.
Miss you all and I’ll write more when I can.
Had a squabble with my son today.
It was unpleasant.
It came on the heels of his 21st birthday.
I started this blog when he was still walking up a dirt road to catch his bus to school!
He was this little …
Our squabble? It was over a bird.
He wanted/wants a bird.
I said no.
We rent – they poop. We rent – they scratch their seeds. We rent – he doesn’t pay any of it.
Truth is, I’ve always wanted a bird too.
But, not a caged one.
One I could put to bed after it flew free in my (owned) home with interaction.
We don’t have that to give.
What he DID get for his birthday was semi-impulsive and it dawned on me today, he has more of me in him than I had thought.
What he didn’t DO on his birthday made me proud.
He thought he was driving later to a friends after his birthday dinner to do college homework – so, he didn’t have a drop of alcohol.
I SO appreciate that.
My son has common sense.
As for the tattoo (of which, I have four) I didn’t love it.
No, I’ll be honest.
I didn’t love the idea of it – because, he HAD a plan.
He wanted to integrate nature and technology and was going to be proud to have that imbedded in his flesh for eternity.
After consulting with a tattoo artist, he was told it would be 5-6 hours in a chair and perhaps he needed a pre-tattoo. (I’m sure that wasn’t the sentence the guy used – but hey, I’m paraphrasing.)
I felt like he was being coerced into an extra tat.
When Nic sent me a mock up of the tat – and I saw Alice –
I knew he didn’t have me in mind. (Although, I WAS hoping for his first to be “MOM” in a heart – just kidding.)
Because, this is what he brought me back from his big trip to England:
But, he had heard the story over and over of when I was in a bus in India as a child reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the bus hit a man.
No one really cared.
But, when we hit a chicken!!!! We had to pay for not only that chicken, but the chickens it would produce, the eggs those offspring would produce etc. etc.
One less mouth to feed in a 3rd world country is above food that feeds them – to a degree.
I kept reading on that bus – but did catch a glimpse of hamburger head.
It was horrible.
But, we took him somewhere good – and my mind stayed in that book.
Bottom line, I said:
And he is honest. Like me – to the point of discounting himself, if that’s even possible.
We try it, we do – but to lie – it doesn’t lay softly on our chests. I’m glad he got not only impulsiveness, but HONESTY from me.
And now we’ll both always have Alice.