Oh. My. God.
Well Soupers, I can officially share with you that I am a home owner! With my partner of course.
It happened on May 25th. Close of escrow.
Our one year anniversary came on the 28th, one day before my birthday. Which, was almost eclipsed by our new official situation, but, not entirely.
Yeah, yeah, I see the dust too, I live on a dirt road, I can’t wash my car without coming home and being completely undone in that arena.
So hush. LOL.
I didn’t pack a thing. Not a thing. Because, I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ anything. (I lived to regret that.)
We’ve done runs up and down, and, let me share now that it will be a 40 minute commute to work each way – but, well worth it!
I didn’t completely understand the gravity of this situation until … today.
My honey is out-of-town to be with his kidlets, (who arrive on this month for 3 weeks! 🙂 ) and I went up today to water the trees and set up a shower curtain and take up my kitchen island. Ah. How relaxing. And, it was! While I was there.
Past week was spent juggling work, initializing utilities, cancelling current ones in the future …
Here’s us, the ‘public view’ of this experience.
(Obviously taken before he left town)
Aaaand, here’s me now.
I have learned that … A) I am getting what I deserve after dropping so many things on my parents after I moved!
This is my son’s room …
We have what is called a Quonset hut which is HUGE! And almost all of the shelving is currently occupied by ‘Nic Barn’.
I’m sorry mom.
B) I kept too much stuff!
I am the Queen of nostalgia. Every card, every note, every memorabilia of an event I participated in! Because why? Is any one going to care after I pass? Is it the Holy Grail? NO! My sentimental things are bordering on MENTAL!
I had a hard time throwing these out! These are old food containers people! But, because my son wrote such sweet things on them, I kept them! I took a photo, because I’m still not over such things, then tossed. (With a little whimper.) You can understand what I’m up against.
C) This shit. And, I swear I said out loud to my DOG, “Where the fuck did I put the tape????” at least 20 times today.
I haven’t even started on my bedroom, which, of course, contains my ‘most special things’ AKA: pouring over stuff for too long and reminiscing and not getting anything done!
There needs to be a service. Someone who will literally just sit there and crack a whip when you’re getting tired, or taking too many breaks.
D) I will be SO happy when this is over and I get to read THIS and laugh. I so hope for that moment, while my back is killing me and my space is a disaster.
There WILL be a time, in the future when I’m reading this and will tell myself, “You did it!”
Well! Big news.
1) I’m in escrow
2) I’m in escrow with that guy I hike with
3) I have a ring on my finger
4) I’m having a nervous breakdown
And I swear to God, if one more person tells me ‘worrying won’t fix anything’ I’m going to end up in the news. Yes, yes I AM aware that worrying will not help anything. I however, AM a worrier. Kinda had to be raising a son completely, physically and financially alone. I’m also that person who you share a sad story with and I’ll cry FOR you. An empath through and through – so, imagine being alone in my own head unattended!
I am stressing the hell out. And I would be lying if I said that there is a small part of me hoping the house does not appraise. Horrible, I know. But, I’m nothing but honest.
This is a HUGE commitment!
It all began because my guy and I have some distance between us. This month will be a year since we met – we needed to find a solution to our 45 minute drive. That solution was apparently moving somewhere where I’ll have a twice daily 35 minute drive.
“I don’t mind.” Said cheerful, dreamy, smitten me. “I’ll commute as long as we’re together.” (Insert fingers down throat and go ahead and gag now.)
Now, I’ll have to hop in here and interrupt myself by pointing out that in fact, the ONLY thing I’m certain of right now is my unwavering love for this man. No, not the guy in the pic above, my guy. So yeah, I am willing to have a tedious commute in trade for sharing a home with my future husband. (Gulp. Hold on. Dizzy.)
“Tell us Amanda! How did you get engaged?!”
We went looking at a house that actually happened to have EVERYTHING we both wrote on our ‘wish list’. Acreage, HUGE ‘hangar’ ‘shed’ whatever. Completely fenced. In the area my honey is in love with. (Me, not so much. I could leave the desert tomorrow and be just fine.) AND, an actual house with a wood burning stove and in need of LOTS of projects and fixing up.
We checked it out – stopped at a local place for a beer and a chat deciding whether we make an offer or not.
We both knew we loved it. We both knew what our answer would be – but I had knots in my stomach. Share a mortgage with someone and then what? Can’t just walk away if you have an argument from a 30 year loan.
Well, not without serious repercussions.
So I asked the most important question:
“Most importantly, are you sure you want to do this with me?”
Him: “Yes, I’m never going to meet anyone like you. Maybe we need to go to Vegas.”
We went to my place and his response kept ringing in my ear. He’d dropped other hints. Like, when he bought into a claim put me down as ‘spouse’ and told me that. No guy who doesn’t want to put any thoughts in his girlfriends head would say that. Nor would they mention marriage at ALL or discuss anything close to the topic. LOL!
So after the Vegas comment – I just straight up said, “Look, you keep mentioning things, and I’ll tell you right now, I’m not doing Vegas. IF that’s what you meant.”
(I hurt my parents once before by eloping – so that wasn’t going to be an option.)
I then approached him, got down on one knee and I popped the question.
Romantic as hell huh?
So that was out of the way.
We’ll most likely do it at a courthouse. No guests, (except my parents). Just quick nuptials and onto life. We’ve both HAD the fancy, flouncy, over the top weddings. We don’t need all that again.
So here we are.
Then on Mother’s Day, I learned that my parents are moving. Leaving the area totally. And, doing it very soon. I NEED my ‘mummy’. Truly. There is just SO much going on and the last thing I thought could add itself to that pile would be the departure of my rock. My number one fan. We’ve never lived far from one another. This was a huge blow for me.
I’ve downed an entire box of M & M’s today – yes, a box. I’ve been spontaneously weeping. I haven’t packed a f$%#ing thing (our close of escrow is the 25th).
My stress level is at an eleven.
Am I going to be that girl at the altar, or more fittingly, the signing table that blurts out, “I’m sorry – I just can’t do this!” and runs dramatically out of the building? Probably not. I’ve got this ‘love’ thing going on with the other party.
But I needed everyone to know that it is TERRIFYING!!! And this is with a guy I love more than any other guy! This is with the person I WANT to spend the rest of my life with. It’s not all smiles, handshakes and keys being handed to you ya know! It’s “Oh shit, this is big.” It’s “What if my car breaks down now I have this insane uphill desert commute?” It’s “What if we move in together and hate it?” It’s “Does he truly love me?” It’s insecurities and fear and taking a leap when you’re sure there’s nothing to break your fall.
And being willing to regardless, because life has handed you something amazing.
So I don’t have Photoshop at work – and do ALL of our fliers and art – even designed the logo.
Found something today that had transparent images.
So yeah – had some fun with it.
My honey is into short hair – and I am SO not. But, when I IM’d im te photo of me with short hair – he said “You’re not fooling anyone.”
So I sent him the goatee thinking maybe that would do it?
Then I got creative.
Snake totally photo bombed me and my son’s girlfriend 😉
As for the hot tub – how dare they!
On a realistic note – I’m still stressing.
Trying to live in the moment and be concious of days and weeks and months to come – and wondering if we’re even going to get married 5 months from now.
I laugh – I cry (a lot lately) – I stay grateful – but times are tough.
I would be lying if I said things are happening the way I thought they would.
But ‘things’ are happening – and they are good things.
Have to buckle down and MAKE shite happen!
After all, if a pig can be in a hot tub, I can make a wedding happen …. no?
I stress the heck out.
Over the tiniest of things – and it’s SO very real to me.
“You think too much” is probably one of the most said to me comments.
And yeah, I do, honestly totally believe in this:
However, I’m also the girl who worries about inanimate objects.
Like the avocado I ate tonight.
Does it LOOK like it wants to be eaten???
Must have been horrifying for the poor thing!
I posted this on my Facebook this morning:
I CAN not help it!!!!!
I think being a single mom for so many years just infiltrated this in my bloodstream!
Not having a ‘plan B’
Sometimes not even having a ‘plan A’
So when my ‘check engine’ light went on this weekend, I might as well have been holding a tarantula in my hand whilst looking at a tornado.
Car problems are in my top 5 things I stress and freak out about.
And so, when it’s something similar (ok, EXACTLY LIKE) what I experienced 8 months ago and $700 ago – I freaking worry.
They could find nothing wrong – and I drove my car home – NOT feeling like I’d had a reprieve, but feeling like ‘Murphy’s Law” is in effect and for SURE my engine light is comin’ on again – and the 4 mechanics that drove my car into a gasless situation will suddenly be enlightened by the magic of the false computer readout!
Bottom line, I don’t believe them. I think it’s gonna happen again when I’m on my own with no witnesses.
But, even so:
Me: You know, there are people in the hospital right now, in waiting rooms of hospitals, that would give anything for my first world problems.
My Honey: Yeah
Me: I don’t want a lot of money – Just ‘Enough’. So that if an issue comes up, I can handle it. Someone says their tooth hurts, I can say, “Here! Go to the dentist.” I don’t need jewelry, perfume, fancy clothes – Just … enough
And I mean that.
I’ve worked hard – all my life. I wish for ‘enough’
Then I see this happen in my room and know …. we could live like this FOREVER if we had ‘enough’ for emergencies.
I’m SO grateful.
When it rains, it pours. Seriously – the universe sometimes has a mean streak and when you’re down it puts its kicking shoes on.
Or, more likely, the depleted positivity of the person in an emotional fetal position is exuding ‘kick me’ vibes.
I’ll preface all of this by acknowledging that yes, a lot of people have it a lot worse.
You can’t say you’re having a bad day anymore without someone pointing out that someone, somewhere is on their death-bed and so ‘get over it.’
I know this – because I was one of those people. Until I read something that made me chuckle a little and change my point of view.
“Saying someone can’t feel sad because someone else has it worse, is like saying someone can’t feel happy because someone else has it better.”
So I don’t discount bad days anymore.
Oh, I’m also notorious for the whole ‘there are no bad days’ quote – yeah well, sometimes a day has enough suck in it to call for a write off.
The entire past week has been ‘one of those days’.
From the aforementioned heart-break – to car problems – to the timely ‘discovery’ or ‘landing’ of Freddy Kreuger in my uterus on Columbus Day.
I’ve been miserable. And no one likes a miserable person.
They skirt around you like you’re carrying a new strain of the plague and nothing beats alienation to cheer a miserable person up. (Sarcasm: I’m still capable of it.)
Then they make it worse by continuing to ask ‘How are you?’ to which, you’d better answer ‘fine’ or ‘good’ because that’s all they want to hear.
It takes time to get over something! So stop asking how I am unless you want the truth!!!
My son asked me the other day how I was feeling.
My answer was ‘Lonely’ – which is SO not me. But that’s exactly how I was feeling the moment he asked.
I was home alone with the dog at the time – who is currently nursing her plastic ‘babies’ again –so even she was busy. (Yes, yes I know! I have to get her spayed – but I had the whole jobless situation for a while and life got in the way)
Back to the phone call.
So I answer “Lonely” and he responds to that in a slightly irritated tone: “What are you going to do when I leave for college??”
We ended that call.
I’ve faired quite well on my own – and while I’ll miss my favorite person on the planet – I won’t shrivel up and cease to be. Sorry son – you are my world and I would lay down and die for you, but I do have other resources to survive on the planet.
Like ice cream … and cake … and … Oh God, don’t GO!
Started out pretty good.
Late morning, I saw a friends’ status that had me in tears literally laughing out loud.
I often laugh for no apparent reason at my desk – so much so, that one of the owners has named ‘uncontrollable-outbursts-of-desk-laughter-that-no-one-knows-the-source-of’ after me.
I know this because late in the day, she burst out laughing and followed it up with ‘I pulled an Amanda’.
(To be fair, and to avoid suspicion of insanity – I do not actually laugh for no apparent reason – I’m usually remembering something funny.)
The status that had me doubled over in hysterical laughter was this one:
“Just shared this with a friend to cheer her up and decided you lot should share in the joy.
I have just lectured a boardroom full of execs on something and as I sat down with a satisfied 'That told them' feeling I farted. Not quietly. Not short.
I may move countries. My career is dead here.”
Of course everyone able to see her status loved it and wanted to know more, especially what she did afterwards – which turned out to be following it up with an embarrassed wink.
So perfect. I can imagine that entire scene in a film.
I’m shaking with laughter just typing that out.
I love that she shared it – I love that we were all laughing WITH her. No doubt recollecting our most embarrassing moments and commiserating.
We’re all human – anyone that doesn’t find that funny has issues with their own bodily functions.
Okay – so far so good right? Good tummy aching laugh and productivity.
Next up, “Field Trip!” I needed to take my car to a mechanic for the big assessment and one of my bosses has a shop he trusts.
Plan was, he would take me home to fetch my car – then follow me to the shop to be sure I made it there, then we’d return to work.
Bonus was that there were work related errands on the way! (No sarcasm) It was nice to get out of the office and out in public on official business.
He introduced me to the office supply employee as his friend from work – and went on to add (after I could not stop touching things at the counter) ‘special friend’ as in – helmet kind of special.
At the locksmith, I played with the various locks and devices while we waited for a key to be cut. “You don’t get out much do you?” It wasn’t a question. He was right. Couldn’t argue with that one.
So I just kept playing with safes, pretending I was cracking the combinations and said ‘Shhhh’.
Got the car safely to the shop and back to work we went.
Shortly after was when my body said “Done!” The stress of the past week or so finally hitting me and physically exacerbating my heart condition.
I sat with my heart thudding and breathed through dizzy spells. I did all of this while sitting at my desk after it was time to go not trusting myself to be behind the wheel of a car.
I wanted to be home. But there are other people on the road that don’t want me to be home at their expense.
I do care about others.
Half an hour later I felt confident enough to navigate a car.
I arrived home and noticed the dogs bowl was almost empty of water.
Put my purse down, filled the bowl and stood up –
The sound of my head meeting a very hard edge of my hutch.
Bells rang – tears sprang to my eyes.
I staggered from the middle of the kitchen to the freezer, grabbed 3 ice cubes, and somehow through my blurred vision, managed to find an Easter treat bag to put them in. (Note to self: Buy sandwich/freezer bags.)
I stood in that kitchen and cried.
My head hurt – a lot. I was dizzier now than before and just … done.
I sobbed for a few minutes before shuffling to my son’s room.
There he sat with headphones on.
He looked up at me, holding an Easter Bunny compress on my head – my face streaked with tears as I said “You’re useless with those headphones on.”
I returned to the kitchen and he followed me there.
That’s when I did the ‘Can you look?? I don’t want to look!’ thing.
I get a little unsettled having a wound revealed – and was not going to be the discoverer.
He checked and said he saw nothing.
“I know the answer.” I said. “The answer to what will you do when I leave to college” .
We both said the answer at about the same time.
Which was ‘die’.
I’ll probably trip over something and go unnoticed for days.
I did end up with a cherry sized knot on my head – ok, maybe it was blueberry. But my head hurt. I was ready for bed and it was only 6pm.
Then the locust came.
I’m terrified of unpredictable nature. Not lions or tigers or sharks … not that kind of unpredictable. I mean, flying, leaping, rapid crawling or fluttering nature that gets up in your face. Moths, spiders, wasps, cockroaches, beetles, the entire Solifugae order… and locusts.
One had found its way into our home and was thudding loudly in my lamp shade.
They seriously THUD. Creeps me out.
They can’t weigh that much can they??
To make that much of a thud – seriously – how much energy is being put into that hop/fly motion? There’s an inertia formula that probably would come in handy here. Algebra – it DOES have a place in everyday life!
(IS inertia even the right word? Doesn’t matter – you all know what I mean. Velocity? It matters – I can’t move on until we have this right. I think it’s right. We’re moving on.)
I remember in India – there was a flying beetle that if thudded into you, could actually leave a bruise! One landed on your arm and it was like getting hit by a bug brick. Ginormous freaking winged beetles. No wonder I’m traumatized.
Anyway – I didn’t want it getting me.
I also didn’t want to get off of the couch – but could not settle with it jumping and flying and thudding. I fetched a cup and an envelope and caught it on the wall and put it outside.
I was done with the living room – wanted my bed.
Nature called first – and as I sat, vulnerable, mid tinkle – I noticed out of the corner of my eye – another freaking locust on the wall. Above me. To my left.
Literally caught with my pants down.
I was thinking at that point, f&%* it.
Land on me and just end my beating heart.
You know you’ve had a crappy month when you’ve ended your day stuck on a toilet, with a knot on your head, mascara stained cheeks and a locust threatening to attack.
I managed to finish unscathed – capture the flipping thing and release it back into the wild.
Face washed, teeth brushed, I hit my knees to pray to the God who’s probably still really pissed off about my blasphemous post and then hit my pillow.
Butters nested next to me with her babies.
Sleep found me quickly.
I’m out of most everything – but get paid today. Although, depending on the diagnosis of my car’s transmission issue – there may not be any pay left for such frivolities like food and coffee.
Head still hurts.
Oh! And I managed to super glue my thumb to my shoe.
I’d shake my fist at the Universe – but I’d probably end up accidentally whacking my arm on something in the process.
… to be continued