“If you need change, I can’t give it to you.”
My laundry lady went on to say, “The girl last night locked the vault.”
Made me start thinking about how much I DO need change. And not the break a twenty kind.
But I’m working on that. Vaults be damned.
I guess this is kind of a change … Sure not ginger ale.
And, thanks to our recent monsoon shenanigans, there are all these fun plants wrapped around mundane objects, really found this beautiful.
So, there’s a couple of changes.
But not the ones I had in mind.
There comes a day when you wake up, look around you and realize, “I am approaching 50 and I haven’t much to look forward to.”
There comes a day when you wake up and repeat your day like a pattern and loathe it.
I have an unchecked lottery ticket in my purse. A dream of what my life could be and health issues I want mended.
I have a bonkers sense of hope, and a realistic feeling of being ‘stuck’.
Those things coupled become completely frustrating.
It’s like ticking off days on a calendar, only, it’s the countdown to the end.
So, what do I want to change, and how to go about it?
I’ll know more about that soon.
Mostly though, I stay in the moment and appreciate my life.
But I can’t keep doing my pattern forever. I need more for myself.
I am capable of change, and open to it.
Now I just need to check that lottery ticket I suppose.
I was walking Butters for the first time this morning (more on that in a bit) and was sleepy, and it was Monday, and had this sudden thought (not for the first time) “Is this it?”
Every weekday morning.
- Get up
- Walk Butters with no results
- Come inside
- Feed and water Butters
- Check Facebook and Email and collect my ‘faux’ chips on a game I like to play
- Turn on the news
- Get in the shower
- Do my hair – put minimal makeup (concealer, a dusting of rice powder, mascara and some color on my lips)
- Get dressed
- Take Butters out again (with no results)
- Watch more news
- Take Butters out for a THIRD time – with results
- Make my lunch
- Leave the house for work
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that:
- I woke up
- My dog woke up
- I have food to give my dog and I
- I have a job to go to
But, I’ve got that hamster wheel feeling again! Ground Hog Day!
Which is also why I don’t feel the least bit guilty about some debauchery this weekend supporting a friend at the Gentleman’s Club she works at.
I missed her – wasn’t able to attend her wedding since I was holding down my mum’s house as my Nannie passed. The minute I got wind of her returning to work, I wanted to be there.
Back to the wheel.
Butters and I are standing in the dirt yard – where my rented single wide sits and I just was SO overwhelmed with … “IS THIS IT?”
I used to own a home! I used to have ‘extra’
Now I’m just creeping up on 50, renting and single.
Not only single, but if the PERFECT man came into my life, I’m such a hot mess that:
- My pride would interfere with anything he tried to help me with. I won’t take money. I couldn’t ‘move in’ with him. I am TOO independent.
- I’m so used to being alone he’d have to ACTUALLY be ‘Perfect’ to deal with me
- I put my son before any other relationship and at 21, he’d still have to be part of a ‘package deal’
So, screwed right?
I have no savings – no retirement – no health insurance.
I DO have a car payment (as most of us do, I know) a little bit of debt and health issues.
Therefore, the retire part of this … Doesn’t seem to be in my future. Lol.
THEN! I went to work.
In a gorgeous new dress.
Let’s talk about this.
I received some gift cards to a local shop for my birthday.
First visit – I’m thinking ‘practical’.
It’s been in the 120’s here in Arizona and I’m DREADING my electric bill.
Yes, I can handle SOME heat – but no, my dog (Butters) can’t.
So, we’re running the A/C and believe me, it’s been RUNNING!
I set it at 82 and we usually don’t get this kind of heat until mid-July.
So! With my birthday gift cards, I bought (drum roll please)
CURTAINS! Sigh. Darker curtains to block some of the hot desert sun from our little home.
Well, curtains were too long. (Yes, yes I measured before buying and took said inaccurate measurements with me.)
I returned them the next day and for once, put myself first. With $80 I bought: two dresses, one top, two pairs of earrings, a pair of shoes AND a very unnecessary spritzer that moisturizers while ‘affixing’ your make up. (Pretty ironic as I have just shared with you my make up regime lol). But I put that dress on today, I put those shoes on today, I put those earrings on and I spritzed.
I walked into work feeling like a million dollars, and it was noticed.
Okay, here’s the dress, although, the pic doesn’t accentuate the sheer last inches of it.
With my pedicured toes (thanks to my mum this weekend) and a new outfit I was invincible!
Which is good – because Monday came with copier crashes – which I was on the phone and online with tech support for a while about. A website I’m creating for a new agent which had DNS glitches and an urgent need for an owner to get home, who I drove.
A TOTAL Monday.
Some customers came in late in the day and while interacting with their agents, I was introduced.
“Is this the agent that has that house for sale on (such and such) street?”
Me: (I smiled) No, I’m just a minion.
Them: If you weren’t here would the cogs stop turning?
My bosses … The owners … “Yes, they would.”
“This is Amanda.”
And in that moment – I knew I was important there. I KNOW I’m important at home … And I know I’m important on the planet.
And maybe, just maybe – this isn’t ‘it’.
I have so many friends, but they’re so far away, perhaps someday, when I’ve put in the work – I can be with them, or close to them. And maybe not retiring is a good thing.
I’ve had my travels, I’ve gone from France to India on a bus already for goodness sake!
Had experiences only a few could dream of!
But right now … Just right now – it’s enough that I work with people I love and live with people I love. And I get the feeling, ‘this isn’t IT’.
Today was amazing.
(Tangent – I was just sitting outside and you know how beautiful doves ‘coo’ when they’re sitting? When they’re flying not so much. Lol. It’s like this … Um … Squawk asthma croaky thing.)
After laundry, I woke my son and we met my parents at a local casino for brunch.
I’m stickin’ with the no cow or pig diet. (Yes, I cheated … I was CRAVING meat whilst it was ‘that time of the month’ and regretted it VERY soon after. My body HATED having red meat in it. And told me so. Crazy that I was used to it.)
Here’s some more fun pics.
Nic trying his first snail …
He actually ended up liking it.
My desserts …
And yeah, I ate every single bite lol!
My mum and me. I swear, she looks younger than ME in this photo! I guess I have good genes and should be very grateful!!!
Fun with … I dunno. I’m so ‘app’ lost!!!! I don’t have a cell phone. I don’t know if this is face swap or face thingy or whatever. But, I do know I love this pic. 🙂
Me and my crab!!! I HAVE given up red meat and pork – but not seafood yet. I can’t. I love it. And as long as it has LIVED and has a fighting chance in the ocean, I’m ok with the capture. Not like factory farming. 😦
My bird and I.
My beautiful mum and I. Saying ‘bye for now’ on the way to the garage where this awaited …
PLUS! Vegan shampoo and conditioner – and some beautiful heartfelt cards.
And here’s the whole family.
We had a lot of fun today.
Then Nic and I went grocery shopping and I paused in my head and thought ‘this is amazing. We’re going home with groceries and just spent time with people we love’.
So, yeah. I don’t take things for granted. I spent my birthday wearing my grand mother’s ring and loving my mum and loving my son and a thank you hug to my dad …
Life needs to be appreciated EVERY day!
I’m just glad to be alive at 47.
And NEVER going to lie about my age. It’s a miracle. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!
I’m so glad each of you were born and HAPPY HAPPY Birthday to YOU!
Regardless if it’s your birthday or not, you have one, and I’m glad of it!
As Alice would say.
It’s almost 3 weeks since I left my home. And I still feel like a dog turning in circles and not able to lay down.
That got me to thinking about the homeless – the people who don’t have shelter to exhale in. Bouncing and bouncing from place to place. I mean, if I feel this way in my parents home – then … Gawd.
It makes me so sad.
The important thing is I have my Teddy. My bear. I think I understand the homeless with their carts. Having things that are familiar to you is so important. THEN I start thinking about people relocated due to fire or flood and all of their possessions gone. Just gone. Then I appreciate Facebook more. I lost a lot of photos in my divorce. But, Facebook is an eternal photo album and also, since they started memories, a diary.
I’ve also taken a lot of photos.
Clearly, it’s a ‘tad’ windy.
Bottom line, it sucks not to be home. But I’m glad to fill in for my mum and dad that also want to be home.
And, am enjoying the pets, even if it means many scratches. 😉