Checked the mail yesterday and came face to face, or rather, hood to face with a majestic peacock.
I hear him all the time and in 6 years, he’s eluded me.
We regarded each other for a moment or two, then I slowly drove around him to complete my task.
Those few moments though – kept a smile on my lips all the way home.
It is in the moments. I know that. I also know I forget sometimes.
Laundry lady just came all the way over to tell me the coffee was ready. The coffee she makes for me. There’s a moment.
Glaucoma man is here and has already chatted to me twice, excited to share his weekly news. Another moment.
These people who I share one day a week with who have made such a task as rising early on a Sunday to do chores a pleasure.
Another moment was turning on my ipad after stuffing the washing machines and being surprised by the fact that the WIFI is actually working today. (Obviously).
It hasn’t been working here for a while – to the point that I just stopped bringing my keyboard and pad. I didn’t get to tell you about my trip, which I had planned to do last weekend. I didn’t get to tell you how I successfully flew. Not just flew, but mustered the courage to peer out of the window.
I didn’t get to tell you how amazing it was to see my friends and marvel at the changes to a coast I used to call home.
They say “You can never go home.” But ‘they’ are wrong.
Because it felt like ‘home’ … From the moment I stepped off the plane and felt the immediate comfort and ease of hugging someone special.
It felt like home when I saw friends that I love, friends I hadn’t seen in over a decade. Held them tight – met children I had watched pregnancy announcements about and birth pictures on Facebook.
If felt like home on the water silently cruising the Elkhorn Slough thanks to my dear friend and Captain, Brian.
I laughed remembering how our dogs used to ‘escape’ our 3 and a half acres of romping room to seek out the slough mud – how my brothers and I had to fetch them and bring them back.
We always returned with the escapees excited and reeking of that mud, while we were exhausted climbing the final hill to home.
Home and memories.
And perhaps new beginnings.
I’m returning on the 22nd of this month. I overcame my fear of flying. And I want to make more memories. To treasure.
It all started with the sandwich bag paradigm. You buy a packet and it’s over 150 and you’re thinking “these are going to last forever!” And then you’re packing a sandwich and where the heck did those bags GO?
Much like life.
Drudging up the hill to 50.
We think we have so much time, so much available and … “Where did it go???”
I ‘met’ someone a few months ago that I’ve ‘known’ since 6th grade.
I’m conquering my biggest fear to see them, and other friends I haven’t seen in over a decade.
I’m terrified. Not so much anymore about the flight, but – what could be, what I could fuck up, what might have been – etc. etc.
I have hope. I do!
OK, I HAD hope – because I’m constantly being told I’m attractive and then today – I went to Ross on a Tuesday and purchased jeans for my trip to the Central Coast.
Got to the checkout after feeling very frisky and gorgeous and appreciating my body – size 7 – skinny jeans.
The flipping young girl at the register gave me the “Tuesday Special” discount. Which, is 55 and over.
I’m not even going to ask if I look 55.
But hey, I got a discount. Lol.
As for the trip – I’m getting over my fear of flying by reading very positive posts.
I’m adjusting to my new meds and venturing out – the agoraphobiac I am.
I’m looking forward to seeing my friends, and … Honestly? Mostly hoping things go well with D.F.M.
Because I deserve it.
And because it’s about damn time.
And … Because, if I can fly somewhere, I can get over my anxiety/panic disorder.
And I will!
Past two weeks at the laundromat, WIFI hasn’t worked for me.
I was unable to ‘muse’ and that bothered me. I missed you guys and had so much to say!
They ‘fixed’ their WIFI by making a password free guest WIFI – and my iPad just would NOT pick it up. So, actually now, laundry day sucks.
It’s like “Bye, Bye, Laundromat WIFI…”
Took my Chevy to the laundry, but no WIFI.
So! Let’s catch you up
I went to ‘therapy” on advice from my doc that knows me since 13 years ago.
I have anxiety/panic disorder and … Add to that now, agoraphobia.
The therapist told me I have no self-esteem, and after divulging every creepy sexual moment in my life and my deepest darkest secrets, he went on to say, “You’re beautiful, you need to see yourself that way.” (As if THAT was easy to do.) He went on to say … “you have great boobs”
Are you freaking kidding me?????
THAT was my therapist.
I called him last week and told him I felt very uncomfortable with that.
I went on to say, “If I had come to you because I’d been constantly bullied, and you told me to sit down and shut up, that would have been the equivalent”. He apologized profusely. I told him I forgave him, but could not see him again.
I have my safe zones – driving to work and coming home. But, when my son was out of town, I couldn’t go to the grocery store.
I also have a plane trip this month.
My biggest fears …. Heights and flying.
But it’s worth it.
I am very excited to see the person on the other side of that plane ride.
I have also looked up tools to survive the flight mentally.
I’m doing this. Because it is important. I may be shaking, may be scared but I’m going.
Imagine this though – seeing someone again who you have come to very much care for, although, sweaty, shaky, and having been up since 3 a.m.
Yes, 3 a.m.
Got to get to the airport 3 hours in advance and THEN, THEN, the flight.
I DID however Google getting over this. And he had 3 steps.
These are what I remember.
1) You’ve been through this before and survived.
2) Tell yourself you’re excited about the feeling! It overrides the fight/flight sensation. KEEP telling yourself you’re excited and tell the attack to “bring it on!” Try to make it worse.
3) Shake out your arms and legs – literally. It’s supposed to relieve something.
Guess I did remember all three.
I don’t see myself ‘shaking off’ on the plane though. Lol. Maybe in the bathroom.
This is a very, very, very important trip and I’m GOING to do it!
Without flipping boob therapy.
(By the way, Mr. Therapist – that was padding. But yes, I have an amazing body which should NEVER have been brought up.)
“I missed you last week!”
That was nice to hear so early in the morning.
It came from my laundry lady. I explained that I had spent last Sunday in the midst of a Netflix binge.
I got hooked on Shameless (U.S. Version) and spent the entire weekend either watching that, or pausing it to speak on the phone with someone special.
Nothing was cleaned – and my son was out-of-town, so I felt pretty much zero guilt.
In fact, I didn’t even go grocery shopping the week and a half he was gone. (Great way to diet – the whole ‘cupboard is bare’ method.)
OK, so some of my hermit mode had to do with my increasingly annoying social anxiety.
We went yesterday and I still felt awkward ‘peopling’. Managed to do it though with him in tow.
Friday we also left the safety of my yard and hunted for Pokemon. Good thing one happened to be in the vacant lot across from us as the further we got from my home, the more anxious I became. The payoff was actually finding one and getting to ‘pet’ it for a photo.
Yes, I look awkward, no my legs don’t usually bend like that, but when your son is saying “lower, lower … Mom, lower”, you contort to facilitate such a photo op.
Back to anxiety.
So! I have an impending flight coming up next month sometime.
I say that so casually, though, even typing it has made my palms start to sweat a little.
I have a MORBID fear of heights – and an even worse fear of flying.
I have no idea how I’m going to make it ON the plane, let alone remain on it with any degree of sanity.
But it’s a worthwhile trip.
I have friends I haven’t seen in over 13 years and that someone I speak with on the phone will be at the airport to collect me.
What a great way to see each other after all this time. Me, shaking, pale, heart pounding, blurred vision. I suppose though, that’s how I would feel even if I wasn’t just on a metal cylindrical airborne object miles above the ground.
And what a great story it would be for the laundromat if I survive the trip no?
And now to finish the coffee I’ve given up, that my laundry lady STILL makes me … And finish the laundry so I can return to Shameless.