Is this IT?? (Which is only funny after you read this because, you know “it'” and “IT”


I was walking Butters for the first time this morning (more on that in a bit) and was sleepy, and it was Monday, and had this sudden thought (not for the first time) “Is this it?”

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Every weekday morning.

  • Get up
  • Walk Butters with no results
  • Come inside
  • Feed and water Butters
  • Check Facebook and Email and collect my ‘faux’ chips on a game I like to play
  • Turn on the news
  • Get in the shower
  • Do my hair – put minimal makeup (concealer, a dusting of rice powder, mascara and some color on my lips)
  • Get dressed
  • Take Butters out again (with no results)
  • Watch more news
  • Take Butters out for a THIRD time – with results
  • Make my lunch
  • Leave the house for work

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m glad that:

  1. I woke up
  2. My dog woke up
  3. I have food to give my dog and I
  4. I have a job to go to

But, I’ve got that hamster wheel feeling again!  Ground Hog Day!

Which is also why I don’t feel the least bit guilty about some debauchery this weekend supporting a friend at the Gentleman’s Club she works at.

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I missed her – wasn’t able to attend her wedding since I was holding down my mum’s house as my Nannie passed.  The minute I got wind of her returning to work, I wanted to be there.

Anyway.

Back to the wheel.

Butters and I are standing in the dirt yard – where my rented single wide sits and I just was SO overwhelmed with … “IS THIS IT?”

I used to own a home!  I used to have ‘extra’

Now I’m just creeping up on 50, renting and single.

Not only single, but if the PERFECT man came into my life, I’m such a hot mess that:

  • My pride would interfere with anything he tried to help me with. I won’t take money.  I couldn’t ‘move in’ with him.  I am TOO independent.
  • I’m so used to being alone he’d have to ACTUALLY be ‘Perfect’ to deal with me
  • I put my son before any other relationship and at 21, he’d still have to be part of a ‘package deal’

So, screwed right?

I have no savings – no retirement – no health insurance.

I DO have a car payment (as most of us do, I know) a little bit of debt and health issues.

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Therefore, the retire part of this … Doesn’t seem to be in my future. Lol.

THEN! I went to work.

In a gorgeous new dress.

Let’s talk about this.

I received some gift cards to a local shop for my birthday.

First visit – I’m thinking ‘practical’.

It’s been in the 120’s here in Arizona and I’m DREADING my electric bill.

Yes, I can handle SOME heat – but no, my dog (Butters) can’t.

So, we’re running the A/C and believe me, it’s been RUNNING!

I set it at 82 and we usually don’t get this kind of heat until mid-July.

So! With my birthday gift cards, I bought (drum roll please)

CURTAINS!  Sigh. Darker curtains to block some of the hot desert sun from our little home.

Well, curtains were too long.  (Yes, yes I measured before buying and took said inaccurate measurements with me.)

I returned them the next day and for once, put myself first. With $80 I bought: two dresses, one top, two pairs of earrings, a pair of shoes AND a very unnecessary spritzer that moisturizers while ‘affixing’ your make up. (Pretty ironic as I have just shared with you my make up regime lol). But I put that dress on today, I put those shoes on today, I put those earrings on and I spritzed.

I walked into work feeling like a million dollars, and it was noticed.

Okay, here’s the dress, although, the pic doesn’t accentuate the sheer last inches of it.

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With my pedicured toes (thanks to my mum this weekend) and a new outfit I was invincible!

Which is good – because Monday came with copier crashes – which I was on the phone and online with tech support for a while about.  A website I’m creating for a new agent which had DNS glitches and an urgent need for an owner to get home, who I drove.

A TOTAL Monday.

Some customers came in late in the day and while interacting with their agents, I was introduced.

“Is this the agent that has that house for sale on (such and such) street?”

Me: (I smiled) No, I’m just a minion.

Them: If you weren’t here would the cogs stop turning?

My bosses … The owners … “Yes, they would.”

“This is Amanda.”

And in that moment – I knew I was important there.  I KNOW I’m important at home … And I know I’m important on the planet.

And maybe, just maybe – this isn’t ‘it’.

I have so many friends, but they’re so far away, perhaps someday, when I’ve put in the work – I can be with them, or close to them.  And maybe not retiring is a good thing.

I’ve had my travels, I’ve gone from France to India on a bus already for goodness sake!

Had experiences only a few could dream of!

But right now … Just right now – it’s enough that I work with people I love and live with people I love.  And I get the feeling, ‘this isn’t IT’.

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on June 6, 2016, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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