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These dreams … (and dreams we have for others)
Last night I dreamed my mother was pregnant. The shock that she was carrying a child at her age gave way to wonder. I felt a sense of peace and safety and excitement.
I was in the hospital with her, for a check up or perhaps because the time was close to meet the little one?
I looked at her swollen belly and then into her eyes. She was smiling in a tired yet calm way, and had some bad news.
The baby wasn’t going to make it.
It wasn’t long after that ‘scene’ when we were in a gymnasium, and she was finalizing plans with a score keeper to try again. I didn’t even question why he would be the father. It just seemed like a business transaction.
I noticed my mom online this morning and told her: “I dreamed you were pregnant.” She responded “We weren’t going to tell anyone just yet.”
That made me smile.
I am fortunate to have a mother with a sense of humor.
I researched the symbology of seeing someone pregnant. It said: “To dream someone else is pregnant indicates that you are experiencing a closer connection to this person.”
So what did they say it meant to lose the baby?
“Suggests that some idea or plan did not go as expected. The dream may also serve as a warning against your continued course of action. You need to alter your path or risk losing something of significance and value to you.”
Hmmmm ….
I have my own theory.
I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve had some resentment lately.
Nicholas returned from England and the next step was to enroll in college and look for his first job.
I stand by my theory that no one can want anything FOR you. While you can suggest, encourage and support, you can’t want someone into doing something.
Of course I’ve discussed school with Nic. But in my opinion, unless it’s something he wants for himself, he won’t put in the work.
I planted seeds and offered ideas and hoped to see him decide to take that path on his own. For him to make the effort to look into how to make it happen.
And he has.
Yesterday he went to the college and in the evening, we pushed “Submit” on his student aid application.
My resentment comes from the fact that every conversation I’ve had with my mother lately includes her telling me what Nic has to do.
As if I’ve been dropping the ball on the whole ‘raising your child’ thing.
“He needs to go speak to a counselor at the college.” “He needs to apply for jobs.”
I think a part of me feels like she doesn’t trust my mothering.
I felt talked down to, like a little girl being given directions because she couldn’t figure it out on her own.
And the feeling returned that Nicholas is not mine, but hers.
I sat in that feeling and it wasn’t comfortable.
So I shifted my thoughts and my position.
Nicholas isn’t mine. He does not belong to anyone. “God doesn’t have grandchildren” came to mind.
I considered that I’m fortunate to have others love and care about my son. The directions come from a well intended place.
I have to take myself and my pride out of the equation – because it’s not about me.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a grandmother. I can only imagine. I imagine it’s indescribably amazing.
The love I have for my son is the most honest and pure and complete love I’ve known. So to one day, perhaps, hold his child? My eyes are watering just imagining it.
And I’ll want the best for his son or daughter. And if I’m fortunate enough to be there and to know my grandchild – I’m sure I’ll offer Nic advice.
But I trust the person that he is – even now. I know his values and his heart. I know that he will be an incredible father one day.
The day when fear asked me to look at it
Had unexpected discussions today with two people I respect, about fear.
Both conversations were independent of one another. So I have to consider that the universe put the topic in my path for a reason.
My truth and understanding is that every negative emotion I’ve had has stemmed from fear. Envy? Fear I’m not enough. Anger? Fear I am not in control. Hate? Fear I possess or am capable of possessing a characteristic of the person or thing I’m hating. (Although, I haven’t ‘hated’ for a very long time. Hate is such a strong word.)
I experienced something last week that I processed quickly enough so that I didn’t react – instead I responded. I was able to understand and diffuse a toxic situation.
I shared something personal with someone I trusted.
That person, in turn, shared it with someone else, accompanied by a derogatory comment … but accidentally sent it to me.
I addressed the issue immediately. I told this person, “I shared that with you in confidence – had I wanted that other person to know, I would have shared it with them.” Denial followed. But, when you have proof in black and white – it’s hard to deny.
I was then treated very cooly by that person.
It’s funny isn’t it? When we’ve harmed another, we tend to treat them as if they were the perpetrator of the wrong doing. Out of embarrassment? Guilt?
Okay, maybe not so funny – but it is a common reaction to getting caught hurting someone.
I sent this person another message – telling them that I understood the temptation to share the information, as obviously I felt the need to share it. And ‘Let’s start the day over.’
Of course, it took the rest of that day getting the cold/embarrassed shoulder and half of today – but the latter part of the day, their shame must have dissipated and they forgave themselves enough to warm the shoulder back up.
I forgive them.
I shared this story, because I’ve come to understand a lot about others through understanding myself.
As I said to one of the people I discussed ‘Fear’ with today – “I still have fear. But I no longer sit in it. I acknowledge it, examine where it’s coming from and address it.”
And I let it go.
I’ve had moments in the past when I’ve been absolutely crippled with fear. It’s just a most horrible feeling.
Fear of losing someone – fear of financial insecurity – fear of failure.
But I’ve come through those moments. Everything worked out. As long as I looked the situation in the eye – searched for the root of it and did the work to the best of my ability to fix what I could.
Sometimes a situation like losing someone, can’t be fixed. But my attitude about it can be. I have to believe that nothing happens by mistake.
My fear of financial insecurity? Probably a healthy fear, especially considering that I am not a material girl.
I feared not being able to provide shelter, food and necessities for my son and myself. Having almost been homeless – counting out change and selling items to pawn shops for gas money in order to job hunt tends to strike some fear into you.
But, we did not find ourselves homeless, or hungry. I had faith, kept moving forward and I did find a job.
When I realized that job was not going to afford me the ability to meet our needs, I took a second job.
As for the fear of failure – as long as I’m doing the next right thing – realizing where my shortcomings stem from and making the effort to change them – I cannot fail.
I combat fear with faith. And I feed my faith with gratitude.
And the more I am grateful – the more peaceful my heart becomes. The more peaceful my heart becomes, the better I become at loving others. The better I love others, the quicker I am to understand and forgive them.
And loving others helps me to understand and love myself. I don’t fear that.
The day I gave a non-existent kitten the cold leg
Ever have one of those moments when you’re busy pouting, and ‘cut off your nose to spite your face’ as ‘they’ say?
You know, that mood usually reserved for teenagers or PMSing females.
That mood when you’re likely to say ‘no’ to something amazing (like cake) just because you’re not done being grumpy. Even though you really want the something amazing (like cake.) Yeah.
My boss offered to get me a sandwich (not cake), and I was hungry. But stubbornly pissed. “No thank you.”
My inner hungry person was wide-eyed and asking me “What are you DOING?! We WANT the sandwich.”
I looked at her, (yes, I have perfected the eye roll to the point of being able to literally see the inside of my head) and she backed off.
Must have been quite a look.
That’s when I realized … I had reached that mood today.
As I told my friend Ruth who I sought out to vent to at, “If a kitten was rubbing up against my leg right now, I’d move my leg away … even if I wanted to pet it.”
Petty pouting perfected.
I was slammed at work today. And every time I quickly returned from the scanner or printer, I noticed my boss on the internet.
That bothers the crap out of me. I work my arse off, and believe me, I’m not the one getting the commission. I could have used some help.
I digress.
Remember the fan that a customer brought me? Out of the goodness of his heart? In a random act of kindness? The one I had a really hard time accepting, because I have the hardest time accepting anything from anyone? No? Read more of my posts, you’ll see that moment. Or, just click HERE.
Now, yesterday (or was it Wednesday?) ‘Fan Guy’ comes in and plops himself down at my desk and has me make copies for him and fax something for him. Not work related. A personal favor (he’s a friend of my boss.)
Okay, I can accommodate that – (after my inner busy person made the snide ‘let me just drop everything’ comment in my head.)
As I was preparing to stand up and ‘accommodate’, he turned to my boss and said, “She’s my indentured servant, working off that fan.”
WHAT?
I felt about one inch tall!!
My jaw might have hit the floor had it not been clenched in a major effort not to say out loud what my inner busy person was saying at that moment. I shan’t repeat it. It wasn’t pretty.
Don’t do that. Don’t give someone a gift and lord it over them. Don’t make comments like that people. Just don’t.
I felt awful. As if I didn’t already have a hard enough time receiving gifts, that further cinched it for me.
Back to today.
So I’m slammed and already getting a little grumpy – when ‘fan guy’ comes back. I was entirely too busy to even make eye contact. Or was I still just entirely too humiliated and pissed to make eye contact?
Hmmm … no matter. He must have sensed the temperature of my shoulder and sat at my boss’s desk this time.
It was shortly after that visit that I stomped scurried off to vent to my friend.
I decided as my lip quivered and my blood pressure rose, that I needed a break. And a major attitude adjustment.
So I took a rare lunch and drove. Just drove. Then turned around, took a deep breath and returned to work.
I keep counting my blessings – but some days my inner whiner makes a pretty good case about being allowed to occassionally take a moment to acknowledge that some things just suck.
Then my inner grateful person (she’s taller than the whiner, and smarter too) takes over quickly and get’s us all back on track.
It’s Friday. I’m home. Groceries are purchased (thanks to my job) AC is blowing cool air (thanks to my job) and I’m chatting with my son on my ipad (who went clubbing for the first time ever, in the UK) thanks to my wifi (again, thank you job.)
So – if any kittens found my leg now, I would pet them. That’s if Butters didn’t eat them.
(But if she did – she’d be grateful.)
**Disclaimer: No kittens, imaginary or real were or ever would actually be harmed by Butters**
Grateful heart
I’ve been feeling insecure lately. I do not like that feeling!
It’s negative and fearful and something I do not want to be.
It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to a point of serenity in my life.
I am a creature of habit – yet, open to new experiences. Yes, I know, those contradict one another, but I adapt quickly to new ideas, routines and people.
So much so, that when a new routine suddenly changes – or I get a gut feeling that there has been a change, I’m left only to my imagination. That is a dangerous position to be in.
So the unknown … uncertainty … and my reaction to it – I have to look at that.
I have to look at that, because, I know that the only thing I can change is me – my attitude, my perception, my expectations. They’re all choices.
I am still choosing to be happy. So, I must address this facet of me that is making me feel unhappy.
Since I adopted a very real attitude of gratitude – I lost any desire for ‘more-than-enough’.
Material things aren’t shiny to me. Matters of the heart and soul are of far more value.
It stopped bothering me that I live in a tiny house – I was thankful for a home.
It stopped bothering me that I work so hard to provide for my son and I – the bills got paid.
It also stopped bothering me that I had no one to share my daily life with – I was grateful to have a life.
I count my blessings rather than fixate on what I don’t have.
At the same time, if I’m being honest – I secretly hoped one day for the meant-for-me person to show up.
Someone who cherished me.
Someone who made me feel safe and invited when it came to loving him.
But, I was not expecting it or looking for it.
Fairy tales can come true – I know this. I see other people in my life living them.
And they could happen to me too – if I stop reading so much into nothing.
If I could have faith and believe what those who know and love me the best say: “You deserve a happy ending.”
So I will leave the heart I guarded for so long unguarded, the heart that I kept under lock and key, open and grateful.
I will have faith and believe. And I will not allow fear and uncertainty to hold hope hostage.
Playing with the moon – and cherishing my son
A beautiful moment at close to four o’clock in the morning.
I had let Butters outside, and returned to my room. As I went back to retrieve my cream colored, insomniac manatee/sharpei/shepherd – I bumped into my son coming inside.
We had both remembered the moon.
We sat outside together, listening to the birds – in the dark, and staring up at that gorgeous huge moon. As dark as it was outside, the moon shone like the sun. We spoke of how the sky must have looked before electricity. We spoke of stars and places available to see them in total darkness.
And as we spoke, and sat in awe of that moon, I was filled with such gratitude and love for the relationship I have with my son.
When we both went in, he was wide awake – I got back under my sheets and he came into my room and sat on my bed beside me … “It’s like Christmas …” he said. And it did have that feel to it.
That up-too-early, but full of wonder and leisure feeling.
We parted, but that moment didn’t go unwritten in my memory bank. I love that he chose those words. I love that his memories of being up early and excited and us being together brought that comparison to his lips.
I awoke again at 5:30 and managed to capture the moon on my ‘real’ camera. Then I played with it a little. 😉
Debauchery Soup 