I’ve been feeling insecure lately.  I do not like that feeling!

It’s negative and fearful and something I do not want to be.

It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to a point of serenity in my life.

I am a creature of habit – yet, open to new experiences.  Yes, I know, those contradict one another, but I adapt quickly to new ideas, routines and people.

So much so, that when a new routine suddenly changes – or I get a gut feeling that there has been a change, I’m left only to my imagination.  That is a dangerous position to be in.

So the unknown … uncertainty  … and my reaction to it – I have to look at that.

I have to look at that,  because, I know that the only thing I can change is me – my attitude, my perception, my expectations.  They’re all choices.

I am still choosing to be happy.  So, I must address this facet of me that is making me feel unhappy.

Since I adopted a very real attitude of gratitude – I lost any desire for ‘more-than-enough’.

Material things aren’t shiny to me.  Matters of the heart and soul are of far more value.

It stopped bothering me that I live in a tiny house – I was thankful for a home.

It stopped bothering me that I work so hard to provide for my son and I  – the bills got paid.

It also stopped bothering me that I had no one to share my daily life with – I was grateful to have a life.

I count my blessings rather than fixate on what I don’t have.

At the same time, if I’m being honest – I secretly hoped one day for the meant-for-me person to show up. 

Someone who cherished me. 

Someone who made me feel safe and invited when it came to loving him.

But, I was not expecting it or looking for it. 

Fairy tales can come true – I know this.  I see other people in my life living them.

And they could happen to me too – if I stop reading so much into nothing. 

If I could have faith and believe what those who know and love me the best say: “You deserve a happy ending.”

So I will leave the heart I guarded for so long unguarded, the heart that I kept under lock and key, open and grateful.  

I will have faith and believe.  And I will not allow fear and uncertainty to hold hope hostage.