Last night I dreamed my mother was pregnant. The shock that she was carrying a child at her age gave way to wonder. I felt a sense of peace and safety and excitement.
I was in the hospital with her, for a check up or perhaps because the time was close to meet the little one?
I looked at her swollen belly and then into her eyes. She was smiling in a tired yet calm way, and had some bad news.
The baby wasn’t going to make it.
It wasn’t long after that ‘scene’ when we were in a gymnasium, and she was finalizing plans with a score keeper to try again. I didn’t even question why he would be the father. It just seemed like a business transaction.
I noticed my mom online this morning and told her: “I dreamed you were pregnant.” She responded “We weren’t going to tell anyone just yet.”
That made me smile.
I am fortunate to have a mother with a sense of humor.
I researched the symbology of seeing someone pregnant. It said: “To dream someone else is pregnant indicates that you are experiencing a closer connection to this person.”
So what did they say it meant to lose the baby?
“Suggests that some idea or plan did not go as expected. The dream may also serve as a warning against your continued course of action. You need to alter your path or risk losing something of significance and value to you.”
I have my own theory.
I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve had some resentment lately.
Nicholas returned from England and the next step was to enroll in college and look for his first job.
I stand by my theory that no one can want anything FOR you. While you can suggest, encourage and support, you can’t want someone into doing something.
Of course I’ve discussed school with Nic. But in my opinion, unless it’s something he wants for himself, he won’t put in the work.
I planted seeds and offered ideas and hoped to see him decide to take that path on his own. For him to make the effort to look into how to make it happen.
And he has.
Yesterday he went to the college and in the evening, we pushed “Submit” on his student aid application.
My resentment comes from the fact that every conversation I’ve had with my mother lately includes her telling me what Nic has to do.
As if I’ve been dropping the ball on the whole ‘raising your child’ thing.
“He needs to go speak to a counselor at the college.” “He needs to apply for jobs.”
I think a part of me feels like she doesn’t trust my mothering.
I felt talked down to, like a little girl being given directions because she couldn’t figure it out on her own.
And the feeling returned that Nicholas is not mine, but hers.
I sat in that feeling and it wasn’t comfortable.
So I shifted my thoughts and my position.
Nicholas isn’t mine. He does not belong to anyone. “God doesn’t have grandchildren” came to mind.
I considered that I’m fortunate to have others love and care about my son. The directions come from a well intended place.
I have to take myself and my pride out of the equation – because it’s not about me.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a grandmother. I can only imagine. I imagine it’s indescribably amazing.
The love I have for my son is the most honest and pure and complete love I’ve known. So to one day, perhaps, hold his child? My eyes are watering just imagining it.
And I’ll want the best for his son or daughter. And if I’m fortunate enough to be there and to know my grandchild – I’m sure I’ll offer Nic advice.
But I trust the person that he is – even now. I know his values and his heart. I know that he will be an incredible father one day.
That is what I heard today. “No one’s irreplaceable.”
It wasn’t directed at me – but I suppose, indirectly, as it was their philosophy, it was. Especially when taking into consideration the fact that this person has the power to replace me.
I beg to differ with this theory.
I get the logic – of course I do. And yes, you can fill a position with another body. But are they bringing to the table the same qualities as their predecessor? Same skill set perhaps, but what about those extra gifts that are as individual as the person offering them?
In my opinion, the stance that no one is irreplaceable is incredibly short-sighted and unhealthy for a company’s growth.
Shouldn’t employers be nurturing, encouraging and teaching their employees to be some what irreplaceable? Not to the point of debilitating the company should that person have to leave – but in the interest of success, shouldn’t you make your employees feel wanted and needed?
I hope I would do that. If I were in a position of staffing a company, I would want my employees to feel valuable.
I personally give my all – and more, every day.
And I’d be lying if I said I don’t punch things into overdrive when a customer compliments me, or I’m told I am excelling at something.
If I feel appreciated, I want to thank that person by continuing to please them.
I don’t mean that employees should get a pat on the back for performing the job they’re paid to do.
No need to put a gold star on finished work that should be finished.
But I do believe if someone is going the extra mile of their own volition, and in turn, making your company more successful, they should be acknowledged.
If they are making your customers feel amazing and are loyal and hardworking, they should be recognized. And, that person is, to a degree, irreplaceable.
I was reminded of these lines from “You’ve Got Mail”
Joe Fox: It wasn’t… personal.
Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s *personal* to a lot of people. And what’s so wrong with being personal, anyway?
Joe Fox: Uh, nothing.
Kathleen Kelly: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.
No matter how hard I try not to make work personal, or bring it home with me in my head – I do. I care.
And when you spend more time with the people you work with than your own family – how do you disengage?
Work can be bonkers. Teddy Bonkers. But, as long as I can put my head on my pillow at night knowing I did the best I could – and as long as I stay VERY very grateful for having a job – it’s all good.