I’ve been feeling insecure lately. I do not like that feeling!
It’s negative and fearful and something I do not want to be.
It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to a point of serenity in my life.
I am a creature of habit – yet, open to new experiences. Yes, I know, those contradict one another, but I adapt quickly to new ideas, routines and people.
So much so, that when a new routine suddenly changes – or I get a gut feeling that there has been a change, I’m left only to my imagination. That is a dangerous position to be in.
So the unknown … uncertainty … and my reaction to it – I have to look at that.
I have to look at that, because, I know that the only thing I can change is me – my attitude, my perception, my expectations. They’re all choices.
I am still choosing to be happy. So, I must address this facet of me that is making me feel unhappy.
Since I adopted a very real attitude of gratitude – I lost any desire for ‘more-than-enough’.
Material things aren’t shiny to me. Matters of the heart and soul are of far more value.
It stopped bothering me that I live in a tiny house – I was thankful for a home.
It stopped bothering me that I work so hard to provide for my son and I – the bills got paid.
It also stopped bothering me that I had no one to share my daily life with – I was grateful to have a life.
I count my blessings rather than fixate on what I don’t have.
At the same time, if I’m being honest – I secretly hoped one day for the meant-for-me person to show up.
Someone who cherished me.
Someone who made me feel safe and invited when it came to loving him.
But, I was not expecting it or looking for it.
Fairy tales can come true – I know this. I see other people in my life living them.
And they could happen to me too – if I stop reading so much into nothing.
If I could have faith and believe what those who know and love me the best say: “You deserve a happy ending.”
So I will leave the heart I guarded for so long unguarded, the heart that I kept under lock and key, open and grateful.
I will have faith and believe. And I will not allow fear and uncertainty to hold hope hostage.
Dirt and destiny
It smells of dirt outside. Fresh garden dirt. The kind of dirt you don’t mind having under your fingernails as you straighten from a new bed of plants and feel your back begin to ache. But it’s not my dirt, and my back is fine. I can’t think where I’m picking up the scent as only desert dirt surrounds me.
One smell though – and my thoughts go into overdrive. The same with songs. Names. Colors.
I love my imagination. I embrace it. But the last few days I’m had to tamp it down – like the dirt I imagined only moments ago from my porch.
The week began with wonderment and excitement and hope. It declined to heart problems and doctors and needles and tests and tears. And just when I thought the week couldn’t slip any further, it did.
Someone I care deeply about had some unexpected sad news.
When someone I love worries, I worry. When someone I love is happy, I’m happy for them. I’m a very intuitive, sensitive, feeling person. Not to be confused with co-dependent. Because I’m perfectly capable of finding my own happiness. It is not contingent on others.
But I digress, as usual.
I’m finding myself in suspended animation – swiping the screen of my ipad to check for news – messages. My heart, dropping into my stomach when my email advises me that yes, it has updated and no, there is nothing new to show me.
I’ve been feeling selfish too. Selfish because this recent event could mean that all the wonderment and excitement I felt at the beginning of the week could be delayed, or perhaps, never be.
And that is when I have to tamp down my imagination.
You let me sit and think without information and I’ll create either the best or worst scenario my mind can come up with. It’s terrible. Terrible and wonderful at the same time.
I’ve dismissed the worry I had for myself and the hug I shared with my doctor, while tears streamed down my cheeks is a fading memory.
But the love and fear I feel for someone else remains.
I will pray to whatever God will listen to me – and use my imagination to send love and light to the family that needs it.
I have to decide, again, to let go. Give another thing I have no control of over to the universe.
Fairy tales will have to wait, even destiny gets interrupted sometimes.
Pressing myself to read … a 2013 challenge
I’ve given myself a challenge. You know, when I accidentally lost weight years ago, it motivated me to keep going. I succeeded beyond my expectations.
It occurred to me a week or so ago that since Christmas, I’d read 6 books. Thanks to some gift cards for Barnes and Noble I filled my nook with amazing authors.
I LOVE to read. Ever since I was little, I immersed myself in fairy tales and incredible stories of far away lands, real and imagined.
During the trip from France to India, reading kept me company on the coach. When we hit a man in a small village during our travels, I kept my nose in Alice in Wonderland to keep from the chaos that was too much for a 9-year-old girl.
Books have always been my friends. My favorite pastime.
So! My challenge for myself – to read 50+ books by next Christmas.
I’m on my 8th book so far.
I would recommend any of these, here’s the tally/list so far:
Gillian Flynn is one of my new favorite authors. She had me at Gone Girl and brought me to Dark Places and then Sharp Objects. I found Jodi Picoult who spun a tale with alternating narrative called The Pact: A Love Story.
Harlan Coben reminded me that not everything is as it seems in Caught.
Cathy Glass broke my heart and reinforced my faith in humanity at the same time in Damaged.
Stefan Kiesbye blew my mind with, Your House is on Fire, Your Children all Gone. (SERIOUSLY amazing book – I’ll have to read it again because there are so many layers to digest).
And now I’m out of my comfort zone with a Sci Fi book recommended by a friend. Richard K. Morgan is expanding my mind and my vocabulary with Altered Carbon.
I found it hard to get through the prologue – but I love a challenge. By Chapter three I was hooked. Plus, I actually had to use my nook ‘look up’ tool. I had never heard of the word ‘maelstrom’.
Coincidentally, it also appeared in the Kiesbye novel. Now I know the word well.
I love that about books! Coming away from one smarter – wiser – mind expanded – opinions changed. I love growing. I love connecting with the characters and being taken on their journey.
If you have any page turners (Gawd! There’s nothing like a page turner!!!!) to recommend (fiction please, but I’m game for any genre in that category) please let me know! Discovering new authors is part of the fun!