I’ve been feeling insecure lately. I do not like that feeling!
It’s negative and fearful and something I do not want to be.
It took me a long time and a lot of hard work to get to a point of serenity in my life.
I am a creature of habit – yet, open to new experiences. Yes, I know, those contradict one another, but I adapt quickly to new ideas, routines and people.
So much so, that when a new routine suddenly changes – or I get a gut feeling that there has been a change, I’m left only to my imagination. That is a dangerous position to be in.
So the unknown … uncertainty … and my reaction to it – I have to look at that.
I have to look at that, because, I know that the only thing I can change is me – my attitude, my perception, my expectations. They’re all choices.
I am still choosing to be happy. So, I must address this facet of me that is making me feel unhappy.
Since I adopted a very real attitude of gratitude – I lost any desire for ‘more-than-enough’.
Material things aren’t shiny to me. Matters of the heart and soul are of far more value.
It stopped bothering me that I work so hard to provide for my son and I – the bills got paid.
It also stopped bothering me that I had no one to share my daily life with – I was grateful to have a life.
I count my blessings rather than fixate on what I don’t have.
At the same time, if I’m being honest – I secretly hoped one day for the meant-for-me person to show up.
Someone who cherished me.
Someone who made me feel safe and invited when it came to loving him.
Fairy tales can come true – I know this. I see other people in my life living them.
And they could happen to me too – if I stop reading so much into nothing.
If I could have faith and believe what those who know and love me the best say: “You deserve a happy ending.”
So I will leave the heart I guarded for so long unguarded, the heart that I kept under lock and key, open and grateful.
I will have faith and believe. And I will not allow fear and uncertainty to hold hope hostage.
I follow an amazing blog written by a friend I used to go to High School with. You can find it on the right under Blogs I follow – Everyday Asperger’s.
I’m also friends with Sam on Facebook and she had posted a video of her reading a poem today. My favorite part (other than the amazing poem) was at the beginning, she was a little self-conscious on camera and said ‘I hate my mouth’ immediately followed with affirmations to put herself into a positive place, ‘I love my mouth, I love my mouth’.
This lady inspires me. She moves me. She exudes love and light. She is someone I would put on a list of personal heroes should I ever be called to write such a list.
Sam was (and still is) gorgeous, warm, funny, bright, generous and so very sweet. She was the popular girl without the attitude. The cheerleader who really had spirit. (‘She had spirit, how ’bout you?!’ sorry – couldn’t resist LOL!) And man, could she nail her straight arms and lines – I was on the Varsity cheer squad and she was a Song Leader (I believe that’s right? It’s been so long.). Sam was kind to everybody. You could look at her on the outside and never for one second believe that she ever experienced adversity or sorrow, ever struggled nor knew pain. Sam exuded joy.
If we had never reconnected, I would never have had the chance to tell her this. But I am blessed to have had the opportunity.
You know that email that floats around – it’s something along the lines of (and I’m SO paraphrasing here) ‘there’s at least one person that thinks of you that you’ll never know about, one person that loves you, one person … etc.’ I’m so blowing it, but I hope you get the point.
Sam was someone who crossed my mind occasionally, she made that much of an impression on me. And she would never have known that had we not reconnected.
I digress. Without further ado, here’s her poem, re-printed with her permission. This brought tears to my eyes, more so after an especially sweet compliment about my spirit from someone I look up to on my spiritual journey. My friend, Samantha Craft.
“Dear Soul of Mine ~
I love you. I see you. I hear you. I believe you. I believe in your experience and perception. I believe in your efforts and hopes. I know you. And I adore you. There is nothing you can do or say that will change this. I have the potential to love you in all seasons, through storms and through merriment. I will not leave your side, nor your heart. I am you. You are beautiful. And because you are so beautiful, a spring of fresh light and goodness, I shall always love you. There is only pureness in you. I choose this. I choose to see the glorious child you are. I see through that which is not you. I see into your true form, and this makes me weep with joy. How lovely you are, in all your seasons, in all your ways. How perfectly lovely, my adored one.”