These dreams … (and dreams we have for others)


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Last night I dreamed my mother was pregnant.  The shock that she was carrying a child at her age gave way to wonder.  I felt a sense of peace and safety and excitement.

I was in the hospital with her, for a check up or perhaps because the time was close to meet the little one?

I looked at her swollen belly and then into her eyes.  She was smiling in a tired yet calm way, and had some bad news.

The baby wasn’t going to make it.

It wasn’t long after that ‘scene’ when we were in a gymnasium, and she was finalizing plans with a score keeper to try again.  I didn’t even question why he would be the father.  It just seemed like a business transaction.

I noticed my mom online this morning and told her: “I dreamed you were pregnant.” She responded “We weren’t going to tell anyone just yet.”

That made me smile.

I am fortunate to have a mother with a sense of humor.

I researched the symbology of seeing someone pregnant.  It said: “To dream someone else is pregnant indicates that you are experiencing a closer connection to this person.”

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So what did they say it meant to lose the baby?

“Suggests that some idea or plan did not go as expected.  The dream may also serve as a warning against your continued course of action.  You need to alter your path or risk losing something of significance and value to you.”

Hmmmm ….

I have my own theory.

I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve had some resentment lately.

Nicholas returned from England and the next step was to enroll in college and look for his first job.

I stand by my theory that no one can want anything FOR you.  While you can suggest, encourage and support, you can’t want someone into doing something.

Of course I’ve discussed school with Nic.  But in my opinion, unless it’s something he wants for himself, he won’t put in the work.

I planted seeds and offered ideas and hoped to see him decide to take that path on his own.  For him to make the effort to look into how to make it happen.

And he has.

Yesterday he went to the college and in the evening, we pushed “Submit” on his student aid application.

My resentment comes from the fact that every conversation I’ve had with my mother lately includes her telling me what Nic has to do.

As if I’ve been dropping the ball on the whole ‘raising your child’ thing.

“He needs to go speak to a counselor at the college.” “He needs to apply for jobs.”

I think a part of me feels like she doesn’t trust my mothering.

I felt talked down to,  like a little girl being given directions because she couldn’t figure it out on her own.

And the feeling returned that Nicholas is not mine, but hers.

I sat in that feeling and it wasn’t comfortable.

So I shifted my thoughts and my position.

Nicholas isn’t mine.  He does not belong to anyone. “God doesn’t have grandchildren” came to mind.

I considered that I’m fortunate to have others love and care about my son.  The directions come from a well intended place.

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I have to take myself and my pride out of the equation – because it’s not about me.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a grandmother.  I can only imagine.  I imagine it’s indescribably amazing.

The love I have for my son is the most honest and pure and complete love I’ve known.  So to one day, perhaps, hold his child?  My eyes are watering just imagining it.

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And I’ll want the best for his son or daughter.  And if I’m fortunate enough to be there and to know my grandchild – I’m sure I’ll offer Nic advice.

But I trust the person that he is – even now.  I know his values and his heart.  I know that he will be an incredible father one day.

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on September 7, 2013, in Gratitude, Motherhood, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. I read an interesting book a while back that took the perspective of both the mother and the daughter. Even though I still feel demeaned, I try to remember some of the messages about perspective – Mom is still my mom, no matter how old I get she will always see herself as the mother and therefore feel compelled to continue to educate me as Mom. As a daughter, I see her mothering as demeaning and judgmental – but I’m positive that’s not how she sees it at all. One thing for certain, I tell her how I feel, most of the time. Other times, I try to act like a duck or wear out Brian’s ears! I come from a family of matriarchs so they are all tough acts to follow and quite frankly, I’m afraid I’ve veered way off the path!

    • it is tough. I choose to see it in a positive light, after I’ve stumbled around in my dark tantrum for a little bit 😉 When it feels like critisism, I reel my thoughts back in and decide to see it as ‘energetic love’. For my own serenity. I can’t know how people intend their words, but I can choose how I process them. That took a long time and I’m still practicing it. I’ve got the duck thing down too (no pun intended) and sometimes I do the Ostrich. As long as I know that I’ve done my best and am coming from a place of love – that’s what truly counts.

  2. I had children, so I could become a grandma. Or so it would seem. The pace of ‘grandparenting’ is sooo much nicer than the seriousness of parenting, it is a joy- and it is Love to the second power!

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