Category Archives: Uncategorized
The advent calendar debacle
Busy week! Busy at work, tired at home – actually overslept a couple of mornings ago too. Blogging has been almost impossible considering – plus, my son has been hogging the computer during the fleeting hours in the evening we share awake.
I have to tell you about the day before my big outing to the laundromat.
November’s trips to the grocery store were met with an advent calendar display at the checkout. I was tempted every time to grab one (at $1.50 who could resist?). Apparently I could. “It’s only November for crying out loud”. I told myself. “Probably the chocolate will go bad if I buy it this early”. I told myself.
The fact that the very same advent calendars in December would be the ones from November didn’t dawn on me.
Any who. It’s the first shopping trip of December and I’m determined to come home with that little cardboard holiday delight. DETERMINED.
Off we go. Shopping done – to the checkout. Um … where are they?? I panicked and glanced around (why is it when you want someone to ask ‘are you finding everything ok?’ they don’t??).
I fancied myself an extroverted get things done type person in my head, “You there! Yes, you. Direct me to your advent calendars – the checkout display has been displaced”. What really happened was I just stood there, all pitiful looking – my son rolling his eyes.
I did find someone who accidentally made eye contact with me. “No, they sold out”. Ug.
I was not going home without a freaking advent calendar. Fine. We’ll check out and go to another store.
Next store – none. Managed to lose my son in a Christmas aisle – (that brought back memories).
Once I found him, probably he thought we were going home – oh heck no.
Off to another shop!!
And, they did have advent calendars. Approximately 4 of them. All the same design.
The epitome of Christmas – the perfect touch for a Season of Joy and a daily countdown …
Oh yeah. Nothing says ‘Christmas’ like Disney Pixar’s ‘Cars’. Pfft. 
I’ve never even seen the movie – but that was all there was. It came home with us.
I ranted a little on Facebook – and dutifully peeled the doors open for about 5 days. Pathetic little squares of horrible chocolate flopping out.
I had to force Nic to participate … ‘Let’s find ‘2’ … isn’t this exciting?! Your turn to find 2!’. Evidently it wasn’t all that exciting.
I have a friend (remember Lisa the BFF that I said would be showing up in more posts? Yeah her. The one currently prepping for a business trip to Hong Kong tonight – lucky!) Anyway, she caught wind of my advent issue.
Came home this week to a big box.
The Christmas countdown is on now!
Looky what came in the mail.
Now I have 3! Three advent calendars! ^_^ Aren’t they gorgeous??
The interest in participating has increased around here. The chocolate is amazing.
This morning, as Nic was peeling open day 7 on the new ones unprompted, I asked, “Hey – what about the ‘Cars’ one?”
“That’s on you” he said.
Actually wrapped some gifts tonight in his absence. The countdown is on – and it’s yummy.
And since he’s spending the night out – looks like I’ll be enjoying 3 chocolates for breakfast tomorrow. 🙂
My private public anxiety
Wow! Did not anticipate the horrible sensation I experienced being outside the house today.
I leave the house everyday – I am not afraid to do so.
For the past few years though, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable in public places.
Today, I grabbed my purse, my keys – headed to the bank to withdraw my rent money.
Had to stop and get gas first. I knew, on the way to the gas station I was already feeling uncomfortable.
I don’t live in a high traffic area, but as I turned onto the main road, I may as well have been merging onto a freeway during rush hour in LA as far as my brain was concerned.
The only way I can explain the sensation is … you know when you’ve been sick for a few days? I mean, really sick – in bed sick. Then you are testing your land legs for the first time, needing to go out.
You feel disconnected from your body, but hyper aware and jumpy?
That’s how I feel lately in public places, including the road.
After the bank, I killed some time before my property management company opened by running into Walmart to pay off some of the Christmas lay away.
That picture is how the store felt, but it wasn’t that busy. I didn’t stop and look at the Christmas aisles, I headed straight for the lay away counter, then right to an item I knew I wanted to get for my mom.
I couldn’t have checked out fast enough.
Left the parking lot wanting to go home – but the whole point of the trip was to pay the rent.
Mission accomplished, but by then my nerves were so on edge I decided against a trip to the post office to get stamps.
I just wanted to come home.
What is going on with me? I was diagnosed with PTSD a while back, I’m wondering if it’s related to that, but if it is, why is it manifesting NOW?
I have never felt happier or more content?
You know, my crazy cat lady plan for the future just seems to be coming right along.
I have to go to the grocery store now. I’m taking Nic with me. I need an outing buddy.
Bigger than this
I tossed and turned last night. I wanted to keep reading a book I was so close to finishing, but it was way past my bedtime. I begrudgingly shut off the lights and closed my eyes.
Deep in thought, couldn’t get comfortable – dog (of course) was staring at me. I flopped about like a fish on the deck of a boat.
Then from nowhere (in mid-flop), bigger than my irritation at not finding sleep, a sense of assurance. A voice. I was being given answers to questions I wasn’t asking. I was not being ‘still’ but I was knowing God.
“Yes, there is more than this” “Look for the bigger picture” “Find me”.
There were words and shame on me for paraphrasing whoever was speaking, but … how to explain? It was more of a feeling than a dialogue, although, there were words. I’m conveying here the gist of those words.
Almost felt like whatever was ‘talking’ to me was lovingly chuckling. The way we might as we watch a toddler try to accomplish something the hard way because they don’t know better. Or because the item is too big for them.
There were no other prerequisites other than ‘getting’ that there was ‘more’.
PHEW! Because I am of no particular religion, I consider myself ‘spiritual’. I believe in a power greater than me and I believe in love. That’s about all I can swear on my life that I believe to be true for me. I don’t want to fake a Faith in something so important just because I’m afraid to go to hell.
Now, whether that was God, or some internal, wise facet of myself speaking, (although, I don’t know what the heck she was doing up past our bedtime) it was very clear that I needed to hear that message.
This morning, I was peering into my pantry and my eyes took in the canned goods. I saw my pantry in a different light. A dimmer light that I knew not so very long ago. The thought of being jobless crossed my mind out of the blue and suddenly, the cans didn’t seem like enough. I was meting out meals in my head.
On the drive to work, I was taking in the buildings, the cars, an emergency vehicle approached, lights flashing and sirens screaming – another voice. “This is not what it’s all about’.
Another assurance there’s more. This time here – important and valuable, but a place we’re passing through to get to another destination none the less.
Why these thoughts??
Either I’m losing that final marble or …
I know I have an overactive imagination (or do I? ‘ Who’s to say?). I had a vision as I started my drive to work this morning of being very sick. Alone. Nic a young adult and I was dying. Going to work anyway.
I wasn’t in a somber mood – no idea why such a morbid thought would play itself out in my head.
The other night had my mind playing out my death-bed scene. Nic asks if I’m afraid to die. I tell him no. “I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid I’m going to miss you!”
And that’s it in a nut shell for me. The good times here are SO good. I am SO glad I was born. I love the colours, the sounds, the creatures, the smells, the endless things to discover and I love dreaming and loving and laughing.
And there’s something bigger than THIS? I’m in.
Roast Beast
Snapped again.
I hold things in and then when it get’s to be too much I boil over.
My son is currently headless as I bit it off.
I had been cooking him and his friend a beef roast. My kitchen is tiny, I was creating space for carving – while stirring mushroom gravy and fluffing the potatoes and cooking the vegetable. All this was accomplished, barely, on probably 2 square feet of counter space.
I flipped the dog a piece of meat and got a comment from the living room (6 feet away) “Oh! Feed the DOG before us”.
Hold it in.
Kept cooking – almost done, where to put two plates??
As a hand snakes around my body to place an empty ice-cube tray into the sink – I started to vibrate with frustration.
The microwave beeps and it’s blocked by a cup being filled with soda.
Hold it in.
Son get’s the point (after a not so subtle ‘Really??’) leaves the kitchen. And leaves the two plates I’ve now prepared.
Oh hell no.
“Come and get your friends plate, then yours!”
Sulkily he comes for it.
Then the already dismantled living room is further dissected. Well, my papers to be exact. Since they’ve been moved from one spot to accommodate the gaming devices, they must now be moved to accommodate eating.
I stomp (very maturely, not) into the living room muttering something foul and say “Give me my things!”
And right then – I feel about as ugly as I have ever felt, but cannot stop.
I’m hurt.
I gave up the living room, the peace that was my Saturday so Nic could have his friend over.
I spent time cooking them a meal.
And ended up feeling used and invisible.
I cleaned up the kitchen, washed the dishes and then took my food into my room.
I was literally shaking. Mad that my son never seems to be aware of his surroundings. Mad that he doesn’t seem to appreciate me. Mad because of his momentary lack of consideration.
I decided I would apologize for my outburst.
Until I came out with my empty plate and saw a dirty dish sitting by the sink.
Beautiful lady, beautiful poem
I follow an amazing blog written by a friend I used to go to High School with. You can find it on the right under Blogs I follow – Everyday Asperger’s.
I’m also friends with Sam on Facebook and she had posted a video of her reading a poem today. My favorite part (other than the amazing poem) was at the beginning, she was a little self-conscious on camera and said ‘I hate my mouth’ immediately followed with affirmations to put herself into a positive place, ‘I love my mouth, I love my mouth’.
This lady inspires me. She moves me. She exudes love and light. She is someone I would put on a list of personal heroes should I ever be called to write such a list.
Sam was (and still is) gorgeous, warm, funny, bright, generous and so very sweet. She was the popular girl without the attitude. The cheerleader who really had spirit. (‘She had spirit, how ’bout you?!’ sorry – couldn’t resist LOL!) And man, could she nail her straight arms and lines – I was on the Varsity cheer squad and she was a Song Leader (I believe that’s right? It’s been so long.). Sam was kind to everybody. You could look at her on the outside and never for one second believe that she ever experienced adversity or sorrow, ever struggled nor knew pain. Sam exuded joy.
If we had never reconnected, I would never have had the chance to tell her this. But I am blessed to have had the opportunity.
You know that email that floats around – it’s something along the lines of (and I’m SO paraphrasing here) ‘there’s at least one person that thinks of you that you’ll never know about, one person that loves you, one person … etc.’ I’m so blowing it, but I hope you get the point.
Sam was someone who crossed my mind occasionally, she made that much of an impression on me. And she would never have known that had we not reconnected.
I digress. Without further ado, here’s her poem, re-printed with her permission. This brought tears to my eyes, more so after an especially sweet compliment about my spirit from someone I look up to on my spiritual journey. My friend, Samantha Craft.
“Dear Soul of Mine ~
I love you. I see you. I hear you. I believe you. I believe in your experience and perception. I believe in your efforts and hopes. I know you. And I adore you. There is nothing you can do or say that will change this. I have the potential to love you in all seasons, through storms and through merriment. I will not leave your side, nor your heart. I am you. You are beautiful. And because you are so beautiful, a spring of fresh light and goodness, I shall always love you. There is only pureness in you. I choose this. I choose to see the glorious child you are. I see through that which is not you. I see into your true form, and this makes me weep with joy. How lovely you are, in all your seasons, in all your ways. How perfectly lovely, my adored one.”
©Samantha Craft
Debauchery Soup 