My private public anxiety

Wow!  Did not anticipate the horrible sensation I experienced being outside the house today.

I leave the house everyday – I am not afraid to do so. 

For the past few years though, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable in public places.

Today, I grabbed my purse, my keys – headed to the bank to withdraw my rent money. 

Had to stop and get gas first.  I knew, on the way to the gas station I was already feeling uncomfortable.

I don’t live in a high traffic area, but as I turned onto the main road, I may as well have been merging onto a freeway during rush hour in LA as far as my brain was concerned. 

The only way I can explain the sensation is … you know when you’ve been sick for a few days?  I mean, really sick – in bed sick.  Then you are testing your land legs for the first time, needing to go out. 

You feel disconnected from your body, but hyper aware and jumpy?

That’s how I feel lately in public places, including the road.

After the bank, I killed some time before my property management company opened by running into Walmart to pay off some of the Christmas lay away.


That picture is how the store felt, but it wasn’t that busy.  I didn’t stop and look at the Christmas aisles, I headed straight for the lay away counter, then right to an item I knew I wanted to get for my mom. 

I couldn’t have checked out fast enough.

Left the parking lot wanting to go home – but the whole point of the trip was to pay the rent.

Mission accomplished, but by then my nerves were so on edge I decided against a trip to the post office to get stamps. 

I just wanted to come home.

What is going on with me?  I was diagnosed with PTSD a while back, I’m wondering if it’s related to that, but if it is, why is it manifesting NOW?

I have never felt happier or more content?

You know, my crazy cat lady plan for the future just seems to be coming right along. :/

I have to go to the grocery store now.  I’m taking Nic with me.  I need an outing buddy.

About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on December 1, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Anxiety isn’t an uncommon feeling. It often manifests itself during the holiday season. There’s nothing wrong with turning around and going home if it becomes overwhelming. I’m not saying do that every time, but sometimes, it’s okay to give in to the feeling…

  2. I am EXACTLY the same way..hate being out, driving, around people in large crowds..i have to be with either my husband, daughter or my one friend. I want to rush home as fast as I can. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple months ago. Its a horrible feeling, I know. And I wonder why it came on after all these years.

  3. Hi Dear,

    I’d talk to your doctor. Sometimes people with heart issues can fool their bodies into thinking that they are having anxiety episodes when it is really arrhythmia or elevated heart rate. Kinda like sea sickness where the discord between what the eyes see and the inner ear feels fool the body into thinking it has been poisoned.



    Captain Brian P Ackerman P O Box 481 Moss Landing, Ca 95039 831.239.2914


  4. Ricardo Recovery

    First symptom of “Cat Lady Syndrome”……… 🙂

  5. That is both a frightening and icky feeling. I used to have panic attacks, and was prescribed medication for them, but I could’nt take it very long because I associated them with panic attacks, so it caused more panic attacks! I just toughed it out by exercising untill the adrenalin wore off.

  6. Befuddledandbemused

    I have suffered a lot with extreme anxiety over the years, and your blog is an incredible portrayal of how it feels. Last year, I made the link between my hormones and my moods, and it has been life saving. I have always suffered with PMS, but at 41 it had become so much more severe, and I know now this was due to low oestrogen. May be worth tracking your symptoms alongside your cycle? Great writing 🙂

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