Crazy cat lady ponderings
Brace yourselves. I actually fired up the PC and am writing a post from home and not the laundromat. It’s going to be okay … shhh … there there – change is scary, I know.
So! This morning, I was reading a Facebook post a friend put up about relationships. Basically about how you have to work at it – push through those times when all the things you used to think were adorable about your partner becoming annoying as hell.
I get it. That first flush of romance can’t last. Or can it?
I know people still madly in love. People married for years and years who still light up when talking about their other half. Makes me smile.
Also makes me want that ease of being with the right person – I don’t want to have to work hard to love someone. Should it be that hard? Seriously?
Then I get to work and a friend sent me a picture of a crazy cat lady cake. Hilarious. And I want it. It’s a running private joke.
I’ve said time and again that’s my destiny.
Here’s one like it – but not ‘the one’
Funny both of these things came up today – because I was thinking on the way to work about qualities I would need to come in a male package in order to change my cat lady plans.
Deal breakers for me …
- Neediness – bordering on psychotic desperation for affirmation
I’m going to sound like a huge vain prick right now – but … I would need someone smarter than me, but not smug about it. Someone who has experienced the world, or at least bothered to find out about more than his zip code.
It is what it is – I have traveled. I can spell. I have a large vocabulary. If I don’t know something, I admit it and then strive to learn what I don’t know.
I like to read. I love the arts. Music, painting, writing, theater.
If I were ever to entertain the thought of sharing my LIFE with someone, it would have to be someone who challenged me.
Someone who would step up, (not in a creepy domineering way) and decide that I am what they want and not give up until I was convinced it’s what I want too.
I’m not an easily peeled onion. I have baggage.
And knowing this about myself, I made the smart decision to NOT put someone through that.
I am happy. I am self-supporting. I like myself and enjoy my company.
Besides, if I do get lonely, I can order this. 😉
My private public anxiety
Wow! Did not anticipate the horrible sensation I experienced being outside the house today.
I leave the house everyday – I am not afraid to do so.
For the past few years though, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable in public places.
Today, I grabbed my purse, my keys – headed to the bank to withdraw my rent money.
Had to stop and get gas first. I knew, on the way to the gas station I was already feeling uncomfortable.
I don’t live in a high traffic area, but as I turned onto the main road, I may as well have been merging onto a freeway during rush hour in LA as far as my brain was concerned.
The only way I can explain the sensation is … you know when you’ve been sick for a few days? I mean, really sick – in bed sick. Then you are testing your land legs for the first time, needing to go out.
You feel disconnected from your body, but hyper aware and jumpy?
That’s how I feel lately in public places, including the road.
After the bank, I killed some time before my property management company opened by running into Walmart to pay off some of the Christmas lay away.
That picture is how the store felt, but it wasn’t that busy. I didn’t stop and look at the Christmas aisles, I headed straight for the lay away counter, then right to an item I knew I wanted to get for my mom.
I couldn’t have checked out fast enough.
Left the parking lot wanting to go home – but the whole point of the trip was to pay the rent.
Mission accomplished, but by then my nerves were so on edge I decided against a trip to the post office to get stamps.
I just wanted to come home.
What is going on with me? I was diagnosed with PTSD a while back, I’m wondering if it’s related to that, but if it is, why is it manifesting NOW?
I have never felt happier or more content?
You know, my crazy cat lady plan for the future just seems to be coming right along.
I have to go to the grocery store now. I’m taking Nic with me. I need an outing buddy.