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Musings from the Laundromat: Website Edition
I got here later than usual – and as a result, I have a lot more company.
I am at a table completely foreign to me – exposed in the middle of the room. I prefer to face the door with no one behind me. I don’t like the sensation that someone could be reading over my shoulder. (Which is odd when you consider that what I’m writing I publish for all to see.)
I am finding myself even missing the giant rainbow umbrella table!
I am in uncharted laundry waters.
Here is my view:
Have to say, I much prefer my laundry basket to those in front of me:
Back to uncharted waters.
I spent most of yesterday and the night – creating a website. At this point, as I sit at my strange little exposed table I am feeling bonkers.com
Other than this site, I have never created a website before – and when it is for something as important as the subject I was presenting, the stress multiplies.
Somehow, with the help of clickable question marks and trial and error – I got it up and running.
Of course, there is always tweaking to be done. Things you notice the next day when your eyes and brain have rested.
After getting more feedback and translations from Rainer, I went back to the desk and edited.
You know, there are some words that can turn your blood to ice in your veins, and I can testify that some of those words are: “Unable to Save.”
After my initial palpitations and cursing in my head – I switched to logical mode and tried to solve the problem.
Shut down, restart. Nope. Try Chrome instead of Firefox. Nope. Update Chrome because you’ve been ignoring all the ‘update’ messages for a very long time now. Nope. Shut down, restart again.
I came to the conclusion that the issue must be with the site and not with me. And I am hoping this is not an indication of their servers. The domain is claimed – the site created – so if editing is a recurring problem, that will not be good. I will have to take the domain name elsewhere.
Without further ado: I now present to you, in all it’s ‘not completely edited’ glory:
http://www.daserbedeskommandanten.com
In all seriousness – it is the website for Rainer’s book. It will be available next year in English. The German version is available now.
It is so VERY important that we do not forget! History has a way of repeating itself, personally and globally, when we do not learn from the past!
The book recounts the past and answers frequently asked questions of ‘how’ and ‘why’ Rainer continues to do what he does.
Speaking out against your family for the right reasons is brave – and good.
As I said to Rainer: ‘Remember, there is such GOOD.’
And I am humbled and honored to have had the opportunity to play a small part in it.
Words
Thinking a lot about words lately. Ever since my friend that visited the other night said I deserved something.
Deserve sounds like a grabby, greedy, Veruca Salt word to me. Like you could insert ‘entitled to’ instead and have the sentence come out the same way.
I don’t think I ‘deserve’ anything. In fact, I’m very lucky I have NOT ‘got what I deserve’ lol
I prefer to think in terms of ‘am I worthy of that?’. But, the definition is the same. It’s just the way ‘deserved’ is used and abused … the lightness and worthiness has been taken out of the word for me.
Strange isn’t it.
Words.
My friend, Lisa, sends me a quote every weekday and it’s funny how often we differently interpret the words, and in turn, the meaning of them.
Today’s was:
“You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.”
— John Morley,
I took it to mean: because someone isn’t voicing their opposition to your beliefs anymore, doesn’t mean they share them.
She took it to mean: being silenced in a violent manner may shut them up, but did not have an overall impact on their opinion.
I told her I loved that we saw things differently and end up meeting in the middle. And I do.
This afternoon I was speaking to an account executive that I’m friendly with and we spoke of words.
She has a co-worker who likes to say ‘Coral’ just because he likes the sound of it. So he’ll ask random things like, ‘that blouse, is it Coral?’
He’s apparently been using ‘commiserate’ a lot lately too. Usually incorrectly, as long as he can squeeze it into a sentence.
That cracks me up. I love it. I would love that person if I knew them.
Just the fun of using a word you like. Not even caring if it fit the situation. I’m smiling thinking about it. How many ways he finds to say ‘coral’ every day.
It’s charming really.
I have my favorite words – and they are favorites not because of their meanings, but because of how they feel coming out of my mouth. (hush)
I’m ALWAYS saying ‘bonkers!’ “That’s bonkers!” In fact, if I had another animal, I’d probably name it Bonkers. Could you imagine? Butters and Bonkers?
I love the word pancake. I was never a huge fan of ‘cake’ the actual food – until lately – so I get to say ‘cake’ a lot but it’s not as satisfying as ‘pancake’.
I like to say shenanigans, tangent, plethora and juxtaposition too.
You’ve got to know what you’re doing when you throw ‘juxtaposition’ around. I’ve done it successfully here in a few posts – and I’m always internally giving myself a high-five when I do pull it off.
It’s funny to me that my friend doesn’t like it. How different we all are.
How words touch us in such varied ways.
Some of her favorite words are: filibuster, skulk and kitteh. (I wasn’t going to argue that ‘kitteh’ isn’t a word – but it is in the meme world. And how do you define a word anyway? If it can be verbally accomplished and spelled isn’t that a word?)
It’s really just a shame I have a problem communicating orally – I have SO many words I want to use out loud.
Until I garner that skill – I’ll just keep typing them here.
Happy Friday … Coral!!!
Tangled, tongue-tied. And how friends are like combs …
Well, well, well.
Once again, the universe responded to my venting with a loving, ‘why do you keep forgetting that you are not forgotten?!’ moment.
I don’t know how many more of them I get – so I should probably fix whatever it is that needs fixing before I use them all up.
After the dam broke, I flailed a little in the deluge of feelings until I came up for air gasping.
Having purged onto my blog – I found the motivation to check on dinner. I was plating when my dog started barking – unable to ‘nose’ her way out, I left the kitchen to open the front door for her.
She startled as a friend of mine came walking in.
(This gives me pause for thought by the way – Butters the Brave is never going to be inscribed on her collar. Any serial killers out there should probably know that they have safe passage into my house simply by stepping around the barking manatee – could you just not wake me up to kill me? Thanks.)
I didn’t startle.
This is the sort of friend that does just walk in. And I like it.
I compared her after our chat to Batman. (okay, mostly I was chatting and she was listening – which was just what I needed)
Only better – because I never have to put a signal up into the sky – she just seems to know when I need her. She’s like a Jedi friend. She senses a disturbance in the force and just shows up.
“I came to check on you – you didn’t look good Monday.”
Did I mention she also doesn’t pull any punches?
She had come into the office on business, shortly after I had been on the curb trying to steady my heart and my breathing and regain the vision in my right eye.
We had stood around the candy bowl in the reception area and chatted for a little while.
Last night we reenacted that scene – only on my couches with my little candy bowl between us.
It was sweet.
(Sorry – couldn’t resist)
After I purged and she listened – occasionally offering insight – I felt so much better.
But what I noticed was that I have the hardest time orally. I can never adequately sum up what is running through my odd little head when it comes to speaking.
My mind is trying to process what it is I’m thinking and feeling and why, the whole time I’m trying to form a sentence!
And I just can’t ever find the right words.
I’m analyzing everything that I know I want to say, before I say it.
This results in me being 10 thoughts ahead of the one that I started to convey when I opened my mouth. It’s bonkers. I get tongue-tied.
I was reminded of my poem Mute.
So true.
The most wonderful thing about thinking out loud to a friend is that the problems start to loosen and all the confusing knots start to get worked out. Friends are like combs.
I couldn’t put my finger on exactly WHAT was the source of my sadness – but we got closer.
I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating: Unless I acknowledge what’s bothering me – examine it and find a solution – it’s not going to go away. And I don’t grow.
Constantly stuffing my feelings and ignoring problems with a fake smile – doesn’t get me anywhere and only results in more tangles.
Another friend, who just returned from Germany (God I missed her!) sent me a quote today that I loved.
“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee” – William H. Walton.
So true.
And not just for grudges. To carry a fear or any unresolved issue will eventually diminish your capacity to live your life to the fullest and eat away at your serenity.
So what have I learned this time?
- I don’t have to be alone. I choose it – I need to choose to let people in
- Butters is a useless guard dog
- Candy bowls make for great conversation center pieces
- I need to work on my verbal communication skills
- No more stuffing my feelings
And most importantly, I have the most amazing friends.
Now, if I had antibiotics for my ears, I’d be golden.
Then the dam broke
“It’s just everything – it’s worrying about Christmas, and the car … and always having to worry about things like that – it’s doing it alone, but I wouldn’t have it any other way – what we have … and not feeling well and not being able to go to the doctor – it’s being stressed out and not having someone to talk to about it. Because they’re going to tell me not to feel a certain way when I DO feel that way. It must be okay to feel that way if I feel it?? It’s when people ask “Feeling better?” with a raised eyebrow because your answer had better be ‘yes’ … it’s not being allowed to feel sad because you’re the person who makes people laugh. And on top of it all, I don’t feel well. And I’m sad. I’m just … sad. And no, it’s not forever – and yes, it will pass and I’m so grateful – I’m grateful for everything we have and everything we don’t have … but I’m just … sad. And I should be allowed to feel sad.”
– Me, after telling my son I couldn’t possibly vent to him.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
I left work early today.
I couldn’t take one more second of holding myself upright when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball. I put a smile in my voice on the phone … and in front of customers who came into my office. I went above and beyond on my files – went in early today and cleaned. I pushed and pushed – and broke.
Monday I had a pretty bad ‘spell’ at work. Besides my heart condition – I think my body also tells me when it’s done holding things in.
My vision blurred in my right eye and my chest squeezed. I couldn’t get my bearings. I sat outside on a curb, taking purposeful breaths and feeling the wind on my skin until the spell mostly passed and went back in to work.
That’s what I do.
Remove myself, compose myself and return.
Yesterday I came very close to asking to use my barely used sick time. But I stuck it out. My ears have been hurting me – I’m dizzy and nauseated. But I stuck it out.
This morning, I came even closer to asking to use my barely used sick time – then remembered I had a meeting and had to approve a settlement statement so that a customer could sign their documents. So I went in.
I tied all the loose ends up and emailed both of my bosses asking to use 1/2 of a sick day.
The answer was yes.
I read an article yesterday on a hospice website. About the phases of death. I was making sure I was using ‘catabolic’ correctly in my last post. A catabolic state is when your body can no longer process nourishment – it’s so starved for it – it starts breaking itself down.
That’s how I understood it anyway.
And that’s how I have been feeling. Like there has been no nourishing input lately – that I’m sustaining myself and breaking down all my reserves.
So after my grand monologue that I wasn’t going to give in front of my son, I ended with, “I just want to hear ‘everything is going to be ok'”
To which my son replied, “Everything is going to be ok”
And when he hugged me – I sobbed harder. And he didn’t tell me I wasn’t allowed to feel sad.
I love him so very much.
The sky this morning
Catabolic hearts and Candy Corn pencils
I spent last night with a few tears – and like a child in need of comfort, I also grabbed a blanket and my bear.
Yesterday brought joy and sadness, love and aloneness, hope and fear. And sometimes, it’s all just too much to process.
It wasn’t due to any one thing in particular – things build over time to overflowing and when there is no outlet – blanket and bear come into play.
I joke about saying too much – about not editing myself. But the fact is, I keep so much inside that it hurts sometimes.
You know when someone notices that you’re out of sorts and hugs you? That dam that bursts because of that hug?
I feel like life (and, yes, me too) constantly plugs up my dam with no relief in sight.
When I desperately need a hug.
And to be heard.
And seen.
I posted this on my Facebook wall this afternoon – after a day of feeling unwell physically, but mostly overwhelmed emotionally.
I did this because I felt safe putting it there, I am very selective about who my ‘friends’ are on Facebook. People that know me and ‘get me’ are privy to my mostly quirky, sometimes funny and often odd status updates.
I don’t have friends I don’t trust.
What I really wanted to do was write about it here though. So I’m going to.
I have a lot on my plate and on my mind. A lot weighing on my heart also.
I find it necessary, again, to reiterate that I am a happy person – and a grateful person – and a loving person. And I know what is important in life.
But I am also a human person.
I used to think it was not okay to permit myself to feel my sadness. That I was somehow being ungrateful by doing that.
I know not to wallow in it – not to become melancholic – but it is necessary to feel. Denying myself permission to acknowledge sadness or fears is not healthy. And there is no growth when one does not acknowledge, assess and address a feeling or emotion.
Still, lately I’ve pent everything up. Putting one foot in front of the other and plugging away at life, while I tackled real and imagined problems alone.
The soul has this amazing ability to take a lot of crap from us – but has its limit. I reached mine.
Then I came home to mail.
Real mail.
Not just an envelope either – a small package.
It was from a dear friend in California (she actually taught me how to do what I do for a living over 14 years ago!)
Inside – was this letter, the sweet pencil and a bag of Halloween candy:
Here I was questioning whether I am worthy of love – and I receive this sweet, sweet gift. That she knows me so well – that something reminded her of me – that she made the effort to go the extra mile and purchase the item and tell me that she thought of me … such love.
And to want to feel connected to me.
What a blessing to have such friends.
I’ll take the pencil to work with me tomorrow and put it somewhere I can look at it as a reminder.
And because it touched me so – my heart can’t possibly be in a catabolic state. It’s still capable of processing love.
It’s just scared.
Debauchery Soup 