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Musings from the Laundromat: Cake, foot-in-mouth and Mr. Stare edition

Had to do some serious motivational speeches in my head this morning to get out of bed and to the laundromat.  Mostly they consisted of: ‘when you get everything done, you can have cake.’

Some were more along the lines of ‘You get out of life what you put into it’ and ‘you’ll feel better after your chores are done and you can relax’ but, mostly they all ended with cake.

So here I am.  Things weren’t looking good when I arrived.

Someone was at my table.  (‘My’ table, lol)

Not just anybody – but a male who, I felt looking at me the whole time I was putting my items in the washing machines.  I tried not to look up, but eventually had to and when I made eye contact, he didn’t break it!

Creeped me out.  I felt his stare and could see his focus on me in my peripheral vision.

I hurried to the rainbow umbrella table and stared ahead.  At this lovely sight.

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Yes, the laundromat bathrooms are ready for Halloween.  Good grief.

Normally this would please me – but sitting under the giant rainbow umbrella juxtaposed with staring at such a dank, yellowed, dismal view left me feeling uncomfortable.

Especially since Mr. Stare was still staring at me from MY table.

The view and the sensation were about as pleasant as finding a Band Aid in the dryer, after drying your clothes and knowing no one at your house injured themselves.

Yeah.

That kind of unpleasant.

Anyway – he’s gone now.

So back to motivation and cake.

My son’s girlfriend turned 19 yesterday and when they returned from a day at her house and dinner – they sat and we chatted and laughed AND … she had brought me a piece of saved cake.

It wasn’t until she left and Nic squirreled his way under my tin foiled treasure, that it was revealed in all it’s cakey glory that it came with candles.

How adorable is that?  Who thinks to leave them in?

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Well, it certainly had the appropriate number of candles because I behaved as if I were three yesterday.

I have this annoying habit of speaking my mind.

I really try not to!  I do!

I sit myself down and explain why it is not a good time to bring something up, or why I should not say what’s on my mind.  I nod at myself and agree – then proceed to do it anyway.

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I infuriate me sometimes.  But I can never stay mad at me long.

So the weekend has pretty much consisted of me behaving like a 3 year-old – being extra emotional – feeling insecure, crying at animal videos and craving cake.

Wonderful.

Even Butters has been in an odd mood.  She took herself off to bed last night after giving up waiting on me and she’s doing her really good imitation one of those poor, unloved animals you see on those gut wrenching commercials.

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Notice she’s being very ‘unloved’ from her spot on my bed.  Which I’m allowing even though she’s shedding like crazy.

I’m hoping to cheer myself and the dog up by cleaning when I get home with the laundry and letting some light and fresh air into the house.

And!  By removing the foot from my mouth and inserting cake.

A Mile in Gifted Shoes

I’m wearing someone elses shoes today.  Literally.

The benefit to being one of only three people in my company with sized 10 feet, is getting new shoes that for whatever reason didn’t fit the other two (or would it technically be four?) sized 10 feet.

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I’ve never been a shoe girl.

I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes or shiny things either.

I have to admit it’s been a treat having a choice of footwear.

I was thinking and taking my thoughts on a tangent walk (as I tend to do) about ‘walking in someone elses shoes’.

That old saying “Never judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes” – I really try to live that way.

(Of course, the researcher that I am, I had to find out where that quote came from, and it wasn’t easy!  Rumor has it the original quote was Native American and more like: ‘Do not judge a man until you’ve walked two moons in his moccasins.’)

Well, moccasins, shoes, boots, slippers – no matter.  I truly try to remind myself that I do not know why someone behaves, acts or thinks the way that they do.

I also find myself imagining the worst case scenario for them.

As if they need a really, really good reason for their poor choices or actions.

From the simple, ‘perhaps they’re late to work’ when someone cuts me off on the road, to ‘perhaps they were not loved’ when someone treats others cruelly.

I wonder though, at what point is a person simply responsible for changing their faults, big or small, and not get to excuse them with their past?

At some point, doesn’t somebody have the right to tell another, “your behavior is unacceptable and you need to decide to change it.”

Perhaps not.

(I hope it’s obvious I’m not referring to criminal behavior or a child that needs correcting.)

Perhaps the closest we get is telling someone, “Your behavior is unacceptable and I am no longer going to be subjected to it.”

It’s none of my business how others live their lives –  but it is completely my business and my responsibility to decide what I am willing to allow in my life.

I have a hard time with that.

I have some toxic relationships that I should sever, but for many reasons, I have not.

Is this where I get to play the ‘don’t judge my decision until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes’ card?

Or is this the moment when I realize my cowardice is unacceptable and I have to make a change?

Maybe I’ll feel braver when one of my fellow tall, big footed friends passes on a pair of steel toed boots to me.

Until then – I’ll tread lightly.

Das Erbe des Kommandanten: The Heritage of the Commandant.

Rainer with his book - October 2013.

Rainer with his book – October 2013.

Here is the link for the whole book in German Das Erbe des Kommandanten – once I have a release date for the English version, I will definitely post it.

Rainer has allowed me to post two excerpts from his book in English.  Estimated time of publishing for the English-speaking market is early next year, 2014.

Incredibly moving and rich with history – I found myself lost in the words I share with you below.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did – Amanda.

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TITLE: The Heritage of the Commandant

Subtitle: On being part of a terrible family

The burden of an infamous surname (excerpt)

“My name, that’s for granted, is that of an outlaw all over the world. And poor you will get in unnecessary trouble over and over again with this name.

Especially the children will have a hard time in their further progress… so it’s the best if – together with myself – my name would vanish too.“

My grandfather Rudolf Höß on April 11th 1947 (a few days before his execution) in a letter to his wife Hedwig.

It was on my second visit to Auschwitz in October 2010 when a teenage-girl from a group of Israeli students asked me:  “If you met your grandfather today – what would you do?“

“I would kill him“, I answered right away.

Some of the students applauded.

I enjoyed that and felt pretty cool – like a cowboy. But later that night, lying in my bed thinking, my hands got clammy.  What a stupid, boasting answer!

What should that mean – kill him?  Was I, like my grandfather, to decide about life and death?

As an offspring of a Nazi-criminal you have to be cautious with what you say.  Whatever you prattle around could suddenly become a sort of significance you didn’t mean and attention you are not entitled to get.

But a fact is – especially in Europe – the name Höß is connected with Auschwitz.  And the name of Auschwitz is connected with millions of murdered

Jewish men, women and children.

So, when you say “My name is Höß ” over there – people get curious. And their interest, I have to admit, is in a way flattering.  All of a sudden you are not one in a crowd anymore, not a John Smith – Hallo and Goodbye. You are somebody, all the same if you are the descendant of a statesman or of a criminal.

It’s really strange with names – famous or infamous – it doesn’t make that much difference in the attention one gets.

I really do sympathize with the children and grandchildren of the holocaust victims when they look at us – the children and grandchildren of the nazi-committers – with distrust and aversion. They have all reason for it: quite often we are in the focus and they are forced to remind people of what their families suffered and went through before anyone listens to them.

But of course, there are some disadvantages too bearing the name of a nazi-killer. Some people judge you right away. Preferably anonymous in the internet. Other people might try to approach you for reasons you don’t ever want them to get closer for – like old or Neo-Nazis.

So, of course, I could have followed the advice of my grandfather and changed my name. For my grandmother Hedwig this was no choice.

She was proud to bear the name Höß, never ever would she give it up. Impossible for them.

Just thinking about how her friends would react to something like that, all those eminent ladies, whose husbands also had been fanatic servants of the so-called Third Reich.  “No, no ” she used to say, “A Höß stays a Höß! There is nothing to be ashamed of“ – That was her point of view.

And myself?  Should I do what my grandfather suggested? No. I did not want this Mass murderer  to tell me what I have to do or not to do. So I kept the name.

Chapter 1

The end of a war-criminal / Animal-lover and child of nature

“Along with this letter I was allowed to send you my wedding ring. Full of melancholy I think of the times in the spring of our lives when we put on those rings. Who could ever have expected such an end of our togetherness?“

Rudolf Höß, commander of Auschwitz, in his Farewell-Letter to his wife Hedwig on April 11th 1947, five days before his execution

I still see this ring right in front of me. It used to be kept in grandmothers casket, along with a pile of letters and curls of hair from her children – and her jewellery.

A simple, narrow ring it was, the edges slightly rounded. Inside, in flourish handwriting: August 17th 1929, Hedwig and Rudolf.  The engraving was a little shabby.

My grandfather wore this ring 17 years, seven month and 14 days.

He wore it in the year 1933, when he lifted his hand to take the oath of allegiance with the SS; he wore it, when the Reichsführer SS Heinrich Himmler appointed him in 1940 to be Commandant of the concentration camp Auschwitz – the camp, Höß himself described as “the largest manufacturing plant of all times for the extermination of human beings“.

He even wore this ring when he went to bed with his mistress, the beautiful and mysterious captive Nora Hodys, and he wore it while under his order hundreds of thousand men, woman and children were killed in the gas chambers.

On April 11th 1947 my grandfather rubbed the skin of his right hand with soap in order to make it smooth and pulled off the ring from his finger.

Supposedly he used to do that every night before he went to sleep. Along with his farewell-letter to his “beloved and sweet Mutz“ – that was his pet name for his wife, my grandmother Hedwig – and letters to each one of his five children, he put the ring in a brown envelope.

Five days later he was being executed by hanging right at his former field of activity: in Auschwitz.

Up to one and a half million people, most of them Jewish men, and woman and children were killed in Auschwitz while Rudolf Höß was Commandant there and, later on, when he was a so-called “Standortältester“, which means kind of an elder camp-statesman.

One and half a million is the number he calculated himself . From a simply “technical“ point of view, he measured while in prison in the polish town of Cracow, it might even have been possible to match the number given by Adolf Eichmann, the Organizer of the holocaust. Eichmann named about two and a half million “Exterminations ” in Auschwitz.

Whereas Rudolf Höß, painstaking book-keeper that he was, estimated this number as settled “much too high“.

I did not know the man I dread since I know who he was – and therefore know who I am but not want to be: the grandson of a multimillion contract killer.

It put an imprint on my whole life.

First there was Leo: Leopold Heger, short, wiry, closely cropped hair, strong like a bull and in his sixties when I was born. He was the one who told me more than anyone in my family about my late grandfather when I was a child.

He used to be the official driver of my grandfather in Auschwitz until Rudolf Höß became chief of the so-called Amtsgruppe D1 – Inspection of all concentration-camps – in Oranienburg by the end of 1944.

During the weeks of the dissolution of Auschwitz, the head over heels flight and the collapse of the Nazi-rule Leo again followed Höß and his family, now acting as their in official driver. A loyal vassal he was to his “boss “or the “senior“, how he referred to him until his own death.

This man Leo became my substitute-grandfather. Once in a while he called me “prince“– since for him I was the grandson of the King of Auschwitz.

Whatever I, as a little boy, learned to like about this “grandfather in heaven“, whatever impressed me about him – I got it from Leo. When we were rambling together through the woods of the Swabian Alps he told me his tales about the “senior“.

What a daring horseman he had been. How deeply he had cared for his horses and for Rino, his breed of large German dog. An animal-lover and child of nature through and through. How could I have not adored a man like this – dead or alive?

The truth trickled through to me only many years later and only little by little. In the beginning I was just too naive, later on than I was much too startled and frightened to grasp that this “king“ actually was a slaughterer.

At home in my family? No word about it. You are too young. You are too stupid. You wouldn’t understand it anyway.  Your Grandfather? He died for his fatherland and now he is with the lord in heaven.  Period.

The subject “Rudolf Höß” was a taboo in the family of his second-born son Hans-Jürgen, my father.  The force of law at our house were his orders: Sit still and upright!  Keep your mouth shut!  Don’t you ask questions! And if you do it in spite of it – well then: carpet lifted up, question put underneath it, carpet back in place to cover it up.

With Leo it was quite different: At his house I couldn’t ask enough questions about the “senior“– as long as I did not put anything in question. Neither his former boss nor the Nazi-Ideology and the mass-killings. When I was little this was easy play for me.

And yes, I loved Leo, my substitute-grandfather.

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All rights reserved. Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited.

My interview with Rainer Höss. Part I

debaucherysoup's avatarDebauchery Soup

**In honor of Rainer’s book release in Germany, I am reblogging this interview from May.  Click on the Amazon link within the interview to purchase the book.  There still WILL be a part II to the interview, Rainer has been very busy but things seem to be finding a chaotic rhythm for him lately.  On a personal note, congratulations Rainy on the book – I’m so proud to see you holding it! 🙂 **

 

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It is 3:15 am in Germany as I begin my writing.   My friend ‘Rainy’ is sleeping.  I miss the ‘ding’ of the email as he shares more and more about his journey,  his hopes and his fears. 

He is a book I cannot put down – a person I have come to deeply respect and care for in a short time.  I do not know what time or even what day it will be…

View original post 1,131 more words

This is why there is a stigma …

This story is all over the news here in the U.S. today CLICK HERE

I was instantly disgusted.

I agree that it was stealing, pure and simple.

You KNOW your benefit amount – you KNOW you’re exceeding it!

Abandoned carts after the 'unlimited spending glitch' was resolved

Abandoned carts after the ‘unlimited spending glitch’ was resolved

I’ve shared that my son and I struggled just a few years ago.

I had an amazing job at a well-known bank and made California wages in Arizona.  That castle crumbled during the mortgage downfall … and in 2008 I was laid off.  The bank eventually closed – which was incredibly sad.  The founder lived locally and knowing him, and how hard he worked and how much he cared was heart breaking.

I had a nice severance that I used to try to keep my home – but it didn’t last long.  I ended up losing my beautiful home, selling most everything I owned to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

I ended my 4 year marriage (for many reasons) made positive changes in my life and kept moving forward.  Time went on and I was at the end of my financial rope.  I did finally break down and apply for benefits.  Medical and food.  The basics.

I fought that decision – pride mostly.  But, also because even though our cupboards were bare, I knew I was able-bodied and that others had it far worse than I did.

Friend after friend lectured me that I had paid into the system and I had my son to think of before my pride.  They were right.  I started working when I was 14, and have contributed to the system that is there to help people like me when the sea gets rough.

I continued to look for work, applying for anything – only to be told I was over qualified.  And that food assistance was a life saver. Literally.  I kept my head above water – ‘how’ is hard to recall right now.  But I did.

When I did not only find a job, but a job in my field, it was a miracle in the market at the time.  And as SOON as I did get my current job, I reported it to the State.  My benefits ended, as they should have.

There were a few more months of struggle as I caught up on some bills that were behind, but catch up I did.

I was told that our health benefits would be stopped also – I made $39 per month too much.

That, I have to admit, was frustrating.  I thought the goal was to ‘assist’.  To help those who were helping themselves.

And by ‘helping themselves’ I don’t mean in a grabby, greedy, immoral way.

There’s already such a stigma to State benefits.  When a group of people abuses the system it just makes it worse for those who don’t.