Category Archives: Motherhood
Musings from the Laundromat: Brave bras, pink panties and a safe heart
There are three bras slung over the rail of a laundry cart … just out there for all to see. And no one is looking at them. Untrue, I can’t stop looking at them. I keep glancing up.
Here I am, the one who turns 50 shades of red when I drop a pair of panties on the ground whilst removing my dry load from the depths of an industrial dryer, gawking at the sheer bravery of these bras.
And I’m reminded … not everyone is interested in looking at your stuff.
I’m at a strange table again. And painfully aware that there are people behind me.
I hate having my back to people.
Anxiety girl!
I just glanced and saw a free table in the back … I’m moving!
AH! Much better.
When I walked in Of Monsters and Mens’ Little Talks was playing on the radio – and I smiled.
While driving here – Take me to Church was on in my car.
Like most everything else, I read too much into music. Today was no different, but in a good way. Felt like two good omens.
I wonder do we block out the songs that aren’t relevant to our current state of mind? Do our little ears perk up when one comes on that fits the soundtrack of our lives?
I’m sure there’s a very scientific explanation. Probably much like the phenomenon of hearing a new word for the first time, and then hearing it multiple times that day. Or getting a new car, and noticing the same car everywhere you go.
In tune to something you never paid much attention to before.
I’m in tune to lots of things about myself that I didn’t pay much attention to before. Feeling things I haven’t felt before. Cringing at some of my cat lady posts and all my ‘no one will ever complete me’ exclamations.
I feel like I found that last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. The piece that would make my beautiful little life a complete picture.
And I’m so hopeful. And very, very fortunate to have found someone who will temper my anxiety with a laid back attitude and a funny and creative view of things.
I’m also very, very fortunate to have found someone who will be so good for my such loved son.
An example of so many things. Patience. Persistency. Humor. Self acceptance. And love.
I’m the luckiest girl on the planet right now as far as I’m concerned.
My heart feels Home. And Safe. And, I just dropped a pair of pink panties from the washer onto the ground and only turned 25 shades of red.
See – progress!
Bumble bees and gas station burgers
It’s been a crazy week.
To say I’m glad it’s Friday is an understatement.
Being sick does not suit me. Hate it. Not that anyone LOVES being sick …. wait, no there are those who do. I’m not one of them.
So yesterday, I literally got dressed in the dark. (Good news is, today I got light bulbs on my lunch break – and after standing on three chairs in three different rooms, I am now ‘illuminated’)
I wore a pale yellow sweater, black skirt and black boots.
Saw my reflection in the office door as I was approaching it and thought “Crap. I look like a bumble bee.”
Not that I cared too much – I was saving all my energy to just get through the day – no time for vanity or caring about looking like an insect.
I had entirely too many clothes on by the way. Under my skirt were leggings – and under my sweater, a white tank top.
Felt like I was getting undressed every time I had to answer natures call.
Keep in mind – I was still fuzzy –and tired …
Next big event was me dressing after having answered natures call, and walking out of the bathroom with my skirt tucked into my leggings.
*sigh*
Classic.
Better than into my underwear I suppose (like above) –and it helped that no one else was in the office at the time.
Later I was hungry.
I hadn’t really been hungry for days. Because of this, I hadn’t packed a lunch.
I trotted (probably ‘trotted’ is a tad too energetic of a word) … alright, I shuffled over to the gas station and got a hot dog.
Then my stomach said “You don’t just want the hot dog! You’re hungrier than that!! Get more food!”
So I got the dreaded gas station cheeseburger.
About half an hour later, I went paler than I normally am … said ‘uh oh’ and then DID trot, okay, galloped to the rear of the building and said good-bye to my lunch.
Which became the news of the day.
Agents that came in were advised “Yeah, Amanda puked in your trash can” and me retorting “I did not! I made it to the bathroom!”
Good times.
I couldn’t have been happier to see 5 O’Clock. I took my bumble bee self home. Fell asleep on the couch fully dressed, bumble bee outfit and boots and all.
When I finally did get to bed – I fell hard!
Deep deep sleep until almost midnight. There was a disturbance in the force.
It was a good one though.
I awoke in time to see an IM that made me very happy.
I replied and went back to sleep.
This morning … I looked at the clock to see I had slept in by an hour and a half. I pretty much had 11 hours of sleep.
Jumped out of bed – grabbed my toothbrush, let the dog out. Filled her bowl with kibble. Dressed (mindful of insect imitations) and left a confused dog and a sick son and hit the road.
I’m never late.
Never.
And today was no exception.
I am SO ready for more sleep.
But! I’m skyping with the man I love and know I can sleep in tomorrow.
My Favorite Day
This is it. January 14th, 2015.
Who has had to wonder?
If you were asked “what was your best day ever?”
Today I had a shocking announcement that I didn’t expect, respect and love from my work family, amazing quality time with my son AND my mom stopped by and looked beautiful.
Today is my best day ever.
Let’s start with the shocking announcement.
So – I always have my ipad on charge at work, and IM sometimes with my son and (embarrassed face) collect my chips during the day for a game I like to play at night. All I do is take less than one second to ‘tap’ collect every half hour.
I got a ‘ding!’
It was a Facebook announcement.
A life event even.
I went to work today on probably less than 4 hours sleep. I’ve been sick – I did not sleep well last night, and completely determined to BE at work.
You need to know this.
So … I have been editing myself lately.
Out of respect for the person I wanted to scream about.
James D. Foster. Remember him? Look up Drawing the Invisible.
This guy was one of my best friends in the college days. And, had a crush on me.
And, as stupid as I was, I didn’t know it.
He was beautiful and talented and we would watch cartoons at his house and we rode together to school.
I loved him from day one.
I also had at least three relationships while he looked on and stood beside me.
I did not know.
We worked on a comic idea that was a tangent (shock!) off of a short story I wrote. He illustrated. He is a fucking AMAZING artist.
One very horrible night – he was beside me. And wrote poems. He wrote them and I read them and I was so young and selfish and ignorant that I just STILL didn’t get it.
Then we lost touch.
This was the 80’s.
I NEVER stopped thinking about him. Not ever. Not when I was married, not when I was divorced, not when I had a baby, not when I was married again – NEVER. I searched for him because …
Because you know there’s always there’s this person that means so much to you – who KNEW you and GOT you and – you friend zoned?
Yeah.
STUPID!
Us then
us then again
But I realized it sooner than later and my search came up with people with the same name, in the same town I last saw him and it wasn’t him. But I had fun communicating with them. LOL!
Fast forward.
I found him.
Through an Ex.
He was friends with him.
US now:
(Yeah – he still pulls a face at the camera. lol.)
(FYI: The pic? I have the Iron Man ring on. I’ve been told in the past I look like Gwyneth Paltrow – Of COURSE Iron Man is a nerds paradise – so my nick name is Peppers)
Proof:
When I initially reached out, I was just SO excited that #1 he was alive. #2 that he accepted my friend request.
I didn’t expect more than that. I was SO happy to have my friend back in my life. And at the time, I was in the midst of Rainer time. My friend? He was taking a step in a new direction and hoping someone he had loved after I knew him, and had loved him back – might turn into a mutual ‘love’ again.
Timing – definitely off.
Long story short.
Clearly I had hopebreak and not heartbreak over Rainer. And my friend honestly loves his best friend.
Which, I admire. I couldn’t love someone who discounted a real relationship with someone else – that would mean they would do that to me. Right?
But today – after a couple of weeks of bonding about a visit to me he wanted to take – I got the announcement.
Yeah – we’re ‘In a Relationship’ with each other.
He gets that I have no filter.
He gets that I’m feet first, up to my chin.
He gets that I love with my whole heart and will read into everything he says, and everything he doesn’t … AND STILL POSTED THAT!
I was sent home today, by my work family. Because I am seriously pretty sick. Seriously under the weather. And I love them for that.
So I also got to see Nic. He was grinning and pointing at my ipad.
He needed me to know he saw the ‘Life Event’ and approved.
That natural 20? Yeah … it was between Nic and James (the post before)
I was so happy.
We’re all such total nerds!!!!! Into Dungeons and Dragons and Comic Books and The Walking Dead and anything that isn’t mainstream (although, I think probably Walking Dead is mainstream by now no?)
I was happy anyway, let’s face it. But having my son onboard? C’mon.
I managed quality time with Nic whilst being pathetic and trying to be very engaged on my bed. It worked. We pulled off the quality time.
So I’m sick, in love, finally getting the fairy tale AND … about to take a nap and my mom shows up.
My mom.
The one who has my whole heart too shows up … WITH … Chocolate, Lemon Curd, Pickled Onions and THERAFLU!
Bottom line.
Today, I got my Prince – validation that my work family loves me – ULTRA validation that my son loves me (we did a fun question/answer thing) and time with my mom who was checking in on me.
Today … is my favorite day.
And like I said to Nic – “See, sometimes life sucks, then it doesn’t” and that really IS life.
And, hey, Micah (one of my BFFS) – I told you first what I hoped for here – and you were happy that I even hoped it. See … dreams DO come true. x
Parenthood – or “Sucks when they love someone else”
“We can’t know what others need, so wanting for others is as futile as worrying.” – Amanda
I want my son to be happy. HIS definition of happy – not mine.
To have nothing but bright paths before him. Or at least to possess the sight to see a light at the end of a dark path.
To have a dream, a goal and no matter how hard it might be to obtain, to strive for it.
Most of all – I want someone to love him for every single thing that he is – and isn’t yet.
Like I do.
________________________________
This is a topic I’ve touched on to some degree, then backed off of – then contemplated, then touched on again.
In a nutshell – I think I’ve been very ignorant assuming my son’s maturity and toeing out of the nest affected me more than a parent with a partner.
I’ll be brutally honest here, (much to my son’s chagrin, although, he supports what I write.)
My son had a hard time growing up. He was sensitive (a good thing now) he was artistic (a good thing now) he was emotional and creative and … bullied.
To the nth degree.
“Fag!”
“Cry Baby!”
(* I called my son to ask him, what else was there? He answered “I don’t know … no, I tend to forget all that – coping mechanism and what not”)
Elementary School was no fun for my boy.
Middle School was no fun for my boy.
High School was no fun for my boy.
And I pleaded to any higher power that had my attention that he could just survive it and KNOW one day what an amazing, beautiful, talented person he was.
________________________________
One day, he met someone.
I don’t know how. I mean, I do now, but at the time I was out of that loop and needed to be.
And she loved him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all he was! She loved my boy!
(And my boy got laid. Yeah, I’ll say it.)
I was SO glad.
(Not in a creepy way. LOL!)
Turned out it was more than a brief encounter, and he has loved this girl since.
I couldn’t be happier for the loyalty he exhibits. Truly.
It’s been almost 2 years now (In April – yes, I remember. It matters to Nic, it matters to me.)
I truly hope they found their ‘one’ in one another.
But I also couldn’t be sadder for the boundaries he doesn’t have and the concessions he makes.
I’ll leave that there – because I know I’ve had a lot of relationships that my mom has not approved of – that I’ve let her down – that I’ve hurt her with who I loved.
I’m not saying Nic is doing this – I’m saying … I know that we have to make mistakes.
And I hope that the person Nic is with, he gets to grow WITH and make mistakes WITH and not be perpetual ‘relationship’ kryptonite like me.
I reached out to some friends for their insight.
Not about Nic – but about being the center of someone’s world for a couple of decades – and then … just not being that.
There’s a mourning that goes on you know?
Or maybe you don’t – and that’s why I’m writing this piece.
________________________________
Imagine being married to someone for 20 years. Taking care of them, laughing with them, sharing experiences and memories and private jokes – sharing firsts together. Learning together.
Then suddenly they’re doing those things with another person and every night you spent worrying, every day you spent doing your best for a better life for the two of you – done. Not done. But … the way things used to be is done.
As it should be.
As my friend Betty said:
“Honestly it is one of the hardest things I had to deal with (letting the kids go) but I had to look at all the good I gave them to be able to survive that cliff. (and pray) You know what, it’s a lot harder on us than them. It’s an adventure to them.”
Doesn’t make it any easier on the one at home still completely in love with their kid huh?
Guess that’s why moms and dads never stop being moms and dads. And we won’t appreciate, nor realize it, until WE are parents.
I asked my friend Sandy (She was my cheerleading squad leader) how it was for her … being with her High School love and all, I figured, they’d be at peace with it:
When Mikey finally decided to date he was 17 he just fell head over hills for the girl and her Dad 3 months in their relationship got a great job opportunity to be a construction site director for Trump towers in Las Vegas. Bad news he asked if Mikey would come with them .
Okay I hope I did not ramble too much and I relayed that although it is life altering, it is natural to feel all that you are feeling. But you know you will always be their first girlfriend.
________________________________
I think there’s a part of me that still feels like I have a say in his life because I’m supporting him. “Live under my roof, under my rules” sort of thing – that I HATE! Ug.
My parents charged me rent. I decided not to do that. I wanted Nic to focus on school, not work. And that was the first of the dominos to fall with his relationship.
I knew what he was capable of.
I knew that focusing on two things at once with any sort of success (Keeping in mind, my kid is fucking smart! But has NO time management) was NOT going to happen.
Encouragement from his loves side of the camp arrived at ‘work’.
I resented that.
I resented that – because while I knew he SHOULD be working, I wanted him to FOCUS on college. And was willing to support him.
Then came ‘the contract’.
I don’t have a cell phone. My son does. And it costs about $70 more per month than I have for such a thing. Turns out, his loves family put him on their family plan. But …. um … he lives with me? And $70 is a LARGE amount of money and he had other things coming up? How about insurance for a car? Helping with everyday things?
How about maybe, just maybe, asking the person he lived with about it?
Thus the divide began to divide some more. He has obligations outside of the house that he cannot begin to obligate himself to. And anyone that KNEW him, would know this.
I wanted him (refer to top) to focus on getting a degree. Not making a payment.
Then I think of all I ‘sacrificed’ (lol, you’re suppose to DO that! Kids come first) – Nic came first, most of his life – and why do I expect the same from a 19-year-old???
And I assumed, in return, a mutual necessity for success.
Unrealistic.
As for his love – I have to make the not so crazy leap, that she may be the mother of my grandchildren. And here I am, not so crazy about her.
And I know it’s partly because I don’t want my son loving someone more than me – and how selfish and sick is that??????????
She’s smart, pretty – loves animals. She focuses on her education, excels, loves my boy.
What’s not to love?
I won’t be cruel here – but bottom line, I don’t think it’s healthy when one person is dominant in any relationship.
What I HAVE learned, in my 45 years is that a partnership is a partnership. Compromise – no put downs – no making someone feel less than.
I may not be capable of having such a relationship, but I know what one is. (that sounded seriously Forrest Gumpy to me lol)
Hey. Hey you with the toddler … Pick ’em up. Give them a big ginormous hug from me and know that time fly’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fast, you won’t believe it. And one day – you will not be their “Up! Up!”
‘Friends’ or ‘How I’m going to make it through ‘Amandapause’
I was emotional today (shocker).
I sat missing my boy and tears streamed down my cheeks. I’m having a rough time with this transition thing.
I snapped at Nic (in IM) when he reminded me he would be gone a week starting Monday. I won’t see him until the second week of 2015 – and every second is so precious.
I was on the heels of yesterday’s amazing day. The BEST part was just having that time with him you know?
My heart had grown three sizes and my love for my boy was at 11.
When I got home I told him, “I’m sorry I snapped at you – the thing is, you have a mess of a mother and you’re the best part of me.”
And he is. Or, he brought it out anyway.
I’m my own worst critic, which I’ve been reminded of by my nearest and dearest friends.
Anyway – rewind – after a weepy day – I drove home and thought to check the mail.
In my little cluster box was a key. A key! That meant a package. My first thought, “Nic will be glad something he ordered came.”
But it was addressed to me – a box from ‘Santa’s Elves’. I knew from the address who the elf was. I won’t name her because I don’t know if it’s ok.
Inside it:
SO many amazing treats.
My first thought – even after my attitude brightened and I had a smile on my face?
“WHY do I deserve this friendship???”
I’ve had this thought before – many times.
________________________
I used to be able to surprise my friends with fun tokens of appreciation – silly cards – meals, and would do so at every opportunity. Whether it be a balloon just because it was Thursday, or something I knew they’d just love! ^_^
A lot of the reason I don’t do that anymore is money related now – but if I’m being fair, and I’m being honest – it’s because I have been having this decade long pity party.
I’m so DONE!
I don’t reach out – I don’t go anywhere – I resist. I reached a point in my life where I just wanted to be in my nest and became very selfish.
Not in a ‘it’s all about me’ way – but in a ‘it’s about nothing and nobody’ way.
Does that make sense?
Here:
I built a wall. I climbed into my comfort zone and curled into a stupid little ball.
But:
Constantly. I seriously don’t know why they put up with me!!! And I don’t say that for someone to tell me why they do – I am not fishing. I’m being very serious.
I have a friend Lisa – (I’ve named her before, I don’t think she’ll mind) who has made every past Christmas amazing – with funny thoughtful gifts. Last Christmas she took me to the Eiffel Tower restaurant and showered me with gifts. All the while I was embarrassed, not being able to reciprocate – and the gift I made her? I had made with a fever. I was so sick. For what seemed like weeks. Even her mom mentioned on Facebook maybe we shouldn’t even be meeting up. She didn’t want Lisa getting sick. LOL!
Point is – I felt inadequate.
A combination of embarrassment of what I had to offer and a serious hard time receiving.
But I SO love when I’m thought of.
I’ve received little and big treats from other friends too – and never feel deserving, but always feel so uplifted by the gesture.
It’s never about the gift – (although they SO know me and the gifts are amazing) but mostly about the fact that they went out of their way – had me in mind and followed through!
So I have a New Years resolution – (which I usually try to stay away from) 2015 will be me, filling my address book and whenever I can, brightening a friends day with a little something.
Because it feels SO good.
(I try not to mention when I do a good deed, I feel like it sucks the ‘good’ out of it.
But I will share with my followers, that Christmas Eve I went to ‘The Neighbor’s’. I had an abundance of treats – so I took some banana nut bread and home-made toffee, plus two toys that Butters didn’t need anymore. I said Merry Christmas to the little ones and the poor dog next door got the toys. I didn’t have to do a covert op with Nic. LOL!)
Anyway – feeling like I need to appreciate the ones I love more. And I can say it and know they’re the kind of people that’s enough for – but I want them opening an unexpected envelope or small box and having the warm fuzzy feeling they gave me!
I’d name you all who gave me that feeling if I felt it was okay to do so.
I love you all. x
Thank you for loving me back.
Debauchery Soup 