Parenthood – or “Sucks when they love someone else”


mom

“We can’t know what others need, so wanting for others is as futile as worrying.” – Amanda

I want my son to be happy.  HIS definition of happy – not mine.

To have nothing but bright paths before him.  Or at least to possess the sight to see a light at the end of a dark path.

To have a dream, a goal and no matter how hard it might be to obtain, to strive for it.

Most of all – I want someone to love him for every single thing that he is – and isn’t yet.

Like I do.

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This is a topic I’ve touched on to some degree, then backed off of – then contemplated, then touched on again.

In a nutshell – I think I’ve been very ignorant assuming my son’s maturity and toeing out of the nest affected me more than a parent with a partner.

I’ll be brutally honest here, (much to my son’s chagrin, although, he supports what I write.)

My son had a hard time growing up.  He was sensitive (a good thing now) he was artistic (a good thing now) he was emotional and creative and … bullied.

To the nth degree.

“Fag!”

“Cry Baby!”

(* I called my son to ask him, what else was there?  He answered “I don’t know … no, I tend to forget all that – coping mechanism and what not”)

Elementary School was no fun for my boy.

Middle School was no fun for my boy.

High School was no fun for my boy.

And I pleaded to any higher power that had my attention that he could just survive it and KNOW one day what an amazing, beautiful, talented person he was.

 ________________________________

One day, he met someone.

I don’t know how. I mean, I do now, but at the time I was out of that loop and needed to be.

And she loved him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For all he was!  She loved my boy!

(And my boy got laid. Yeah, I’ll say it.)

I was SO glad.

(Not in a creepy way. LOL!)

Turned out it was more than a brief encounter, and he has loved this girl since.

I couldn’t be happier for the loyalty he exhibits.  Truly.

It’s been almost 2 years now (In April – yes, I remember. It matters to Nic, it matters to me.)

I truly hope they found their ‘one’ in one another.

But I also couldn’t be sadder for the boundaries he doesn’t have and the concessions he makes.

I’ll leave that there – because I know I’ve had a lot of relationships that my mom has not approved of – that I’ve let her down – that I’ve hurt her with who I loved.

I’m not saying Nic is doing this – I’m saying … I know that we have to make mistakes.

And I hope that the person Nic is with, he gets to grow WITH and make mistakes WITH and not be perpetual ‘relationship’ kryptonite like me.

I reached out to some friends for their insight.

Not about Nic – but about being the center of someone’s world for a couple of decades – and then … just not being that.

There’s a mourning that goes on you know?

Or maybe you don’t – and that’s why I’m writing this piece.

 ________________________________

Imagine being married to someone for 20 years. Taking care of them, laughing with them, sharing experiences and memories and private jokes – sharing firsts together.  Learning together.

Then suddenly they’re doing those things with another person and every night you spent worrying, every day you spent doing your best for a better life for the two of you – done.  Not done.  But … the way things used to be is done.

As it should be.

As my friend Betty said:

“Honestly it is one of the hardest things I had to deal with (letting the kids go) but I had to look at all the good I gave them to be able to survive that cliff. (and pray) You know what, it’s a lot harder on us than them. It’s an adventure to them.”

Doesn’t make it any easier on the one at home still completely in love with their kid huh?

Guess that’s why moms and dads never  stop being moms and dads.  And we won’t appreciate, nor realize it, until WE are parents.

I asked my friend Sandy (She was my cheerleading squad leader) how it was for her … being with her High School love and all, I figured, they’d be at peace with it:

“Keep in mind right after mike graduated of June 13 we got married on June 20th and Mikey came along that Oct , 25 1987. We were kids having a kid. We also got no help from either of our parents.
Mike and I decided who would take care of Mikey daytime and night. Why you asked I put this down to understand Mikey is all we had he is our everything. Mike worked nights I worked days ever since he was born. We tried 2 times more I miscarried both times in our 2nd almost third trimester..

When Mikey finally decided to date he was 17 he just fell head over hills for the girl and her Dad 3 months in their relationship got a great job opportunity to be a construction site director for Trump towers in Las Vegas. Bad news he asked if Mikey would come with them .
He knew Mikey would follow her to the ends of the earth  2 months later they were moving I was upset crushed hurt beyond belief – this  man was leaving us … we gave him everything”
Ok, so apparently it doesn’t help to have a partner.
I also got varying views from another friend – Yvonne said:
Well I have 2 boys and my older one and I were close except when he was about to leave the home for the first time.
We were talking but not really.
It was the first time that he was not coming to me for advice.
Now 2 years later we are talking again like we use to . He does not feel like I’m trying to control his life ya know?
As far as any romantic relationship he has had since he is living on his own. He has mentioned very little.
He once told me that the woman that he falls in love with will have heavy shoes to fill because he compares all women to me.
I’m his standard. He said that when he does finally come home with a girl to introduce me to, I just will know that she is pretty special .
(Writers interruption: How sweet is THAT?!?)
 
My other son who is 17 is not even mature enough yet – he has never had a girlfriend per se,  just gone on dates. He is totally different from his brother and very much like his father. He is not lovey dove and is still trying to figure out life. He is a senior and as not as advanced in his age as his older brother. I think God for small favors that girls have not yet entered the mix. Because it I feel would be a disaster lol. I think when he falls, he will fall deep and probably be who is not up to my standards at all….but I think I will be prepared for anything by then lol.
 
I have come to realize that even though my boys have been my life, sweat and trials and tears. That one day they will have a woman who will take my place as the only woman ..the #1 woman in their life.
I just hope that all I have instilled in them they will pick the right one. Either way I will always be there and even though they do not or will not come to me .
They know I am there.
Okay I hope I did not ramble too much and I relayed that although it is life altering, it is natural to feel all that you are feeling. But you know you will always be their first girlfriend.

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 I think there’s a part of me that still feels like I have a say in his life because I’m supporting him.  “Live under my roof, under my rules” sort of thing – that I HATE!   Ug.

My parents charged me rent.  I decided not to do that.  I wanted Nic to focus on school, not work.  And that was the first of the dominos to fall with his relationship.

I knew what he was capable of.

I knew that focusing on two things at once with any sort of success (Keeping in mind, my kid is fucking smart! But has NO time management) was NOT going to happen.

Encouragement from his loves side of the camp arrived at ‘work’.

I resented that.

I resented that – because while I knew he SHOULD be working, I wanted him to FOCUS on college.  And was willing to support him.

Then came ‘the contract’.

I don’t have a cell phone.  My son does.  And it costs about $70 more per month than I have for such a thing.   Turns out, his loves family put him on their family plan.  But …. um … he lives with me?  And $70 is a LARGE amount of money and he had other things coming up?   How about insurance for a car?  Helping with everyday things?

How about maybe, just maybe, asking the person he lived with about it?

Thus the divide began to divide some more.  He has obligations outside of the house that he cannot begin to obligate himself to.  And anyone that KNEW him, would know this.

I wanted him (refer to top) to focus on getting a degree.  Not making a payment.

Then I think of all I ‘sacrificed’ (lol, you’re suppose to DO that! Kids come first) – Nic came first, most of his life – and why do I expect the same from a 19-year-old???

And I assumed, in return, a mutual necessity for success.

Unrealistic.

As for his love – I have to make the not so crazy leap, that she may be the mother of my grandchildren.   And here I am, not so crazy about her.

And I know it’s partly because I don’t want my son loving someone more than me – and how selfish and sick is that??????????

She’s smart, pretty – loves animals.  She focuses on her education, excels, loves my boy.

What’s not to love?

I won’t be cruel here – but bottom line, I don’t think it’s healthy when one person is dominant in any relationship.

What I HAVE learned, in my 45 years is that a partnership is a partnership.  Compromise – no put downs – no making someone feel less than.

I may not be capable of having such a relationship, but I know what one is. (that sounded seriously Forrest Gumpy to me lol)

Hey.  Hey you with the toddler … Pick ’em up.  Give them a big ginormous hug from me and know that time fly’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fast, you won’t believe it. And one day – you will not be their “Up! Up!”

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About debaucherysoup

I've traveled 4 continents, affording me experiences and adventures to last a lifetime. Most important was the exposure to other cultures, beliefs and lifestyles. I'm also mom to one of the most amazing human beings I know.

Posted on January 4, 2015, in Motherhood and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I think of these things often. Today we drove our 11 year old grand daughter home, and about 20 minutes into the silent reflective drive I asked her what she was thinking about- she said, “My Mom.” Oh that pleased me so! How long ago it seems that my own children just may have sat and thought about me! I will tell her about this little gem, when I am done enjoying the sparkle for myself.

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