Category Archives: Motherhood
A Christmas letter from my son
I’m sharing with you the unedited letter my son put on the computer for me from his flash drive this Christmas morning. He’d been working on it for months. I cried my eyes out reading it. (Good thing I can touch type). The best Christmas gift ever! It’s obviously very personal – and precious, but I haven’t held back yet, and don’t intend to. This is after all the Web Log (bLog) of my life. With Nic’s permission, I am posting his letter.
Dear mom:
I don’t even really know how to start this letter but I guess I can do it by: Your one of the most amazing human beings I know. Your so strong and raised me better than I could of asked for. Even when you drank you never looked down on me or anything of the sort. Even though I was little, you still saw me as a equal and never miss treated me (even though you would let me roll off the bed now and again wink). You are an amazing parent period, and you say I don’t appreciate you. Well, you have no idea how wrong that notion is. I appreciate you soooo much. I must agree with you, I don’t show it. I don’t show it at all and I don’t now why, my best excuse is im lazy XD. But I do, I do so much and all the kindness you have shown to me will be passed down from me to everyone I meet and to my children.
You are the reason im going to be the best Dad I can be when I get little ones and official make you an old grandma ;). I was thinking the whole time that lottery was going on, I thought no one deserved it more, but because your such a kind soul you would disagree with me XD. But seriously, your such an amazing, kind, beautiful, funny, and smart person and human being. It is a honor just to know you and anyone who has ever met you met the most amazing people in there life. I know work is hard and you have your heart condition and more and you still go. You than take a second job where your cleaning and you still push through it. Thats just a few reasons why your such a great human being. You mean everything to me and we think alike on the spot and we can always share a laugh. Another thing is even when im being a hard person to deal with, your there, you will always ask whats wrong and your so accepting (another amazing quality) and I will always love you.
I can be really selfish and If I were you, I would of kicked my ass out of the house the moment I turned 18 XD. But yet you say I can stay even after that age. You put up with so much. From me taking the car, to asking for money out of the blue, from just taking the couch when you wanted it. Im not perfect I know this for a fact, but its you who makes me feel accepted and so loved when I have this quite a few flaws. I love you as high as my arms can reach, over the hills and back, and to the moon. Your my parent, nurturer, my best friend, cleaner upper, cook, doctor, and counselor. Your MY Mom. Thank you for existing and being in my life.
Love with all of the love in the world:
Your friend, adoring fan, helper, listener, shower, and Son.
Nicholas Avery Charles
Christmas Eve Eve
Christmas Eve is my favorite day. The day before. The day when my son can barely stand the anticipation anymore. I can barely stand it either to be fair – I choose his gifts with a lot of thought and can’t wait to see him open them.
But I can wait. That day before – is when all the magic is still hanging in the air. The ‘unknown’ is still unknown. The wrapping is still holding in its secrets.
I absolutely adore having something to be excited about.
The meaning of Christmas aside – after the gifts have been opened and the boxes revealed – feels (to me anyway) like it’s all over.
I love the build up. The spirit of the approaching holiday.
Today was special too. No matter what the gifts under the tree that my son went out to buy are (one is labeled ‘to the lady who lives with me’, the other, ‘A.K.A. my mom’) I feel like I already had my big gift today.
It was a busy day – after my Sunday morning job, we came home and collected laundry to do at my moms, then took Nic’s friend home. Lots of driving – lots of ‘busy’.
Came home and lay on the couch enjoying a burger we salvated over every time we saw it on a mouth-watering commercial.
Ice Age 2 was on … it was just Nic and I.
After he ate, he indicated he wanted a spot next to me on the couch.
We curled up together and watched the animated flick. Wasn’t long before he was asleep – my arms around him.
You know that sound pets make when they’re falling asleep and totally comfortable? That content exhale?
He made that little noise. A sigh. And my heart filled.
I daren’t move – even when my arm fell asleep.
For that moment – I had my ‘little boy’ back. If only for a snippet of time.
That is all I needed for Christmas.
Because really it’s about telling people we love them, spending time with family and a rare Season when strangers are nicer to each other.
I had my moment. And tomorrow – I’ll be baking and looking forward to Santa filling Nic’s stocking and arranging the base of the tree. 😉
So very blessed. So very grateful. And as my son continues to sleep on the couch, I glance over at my boy who is becoming a man and so thankful for that contented sigh while he was in my arms.
And now I have to wrap it all??
(Who wears stuff like that to shop?! ^ High heels and a fancy outfit?)
I got up at the crack of dawn, full of Christmas spirit – okay, I lie. I was tired, had no coffee in the house and there was ice on my car.
Woke up to the best of my uncaffeinated ability and hit the town.
I’m not joking when I say the oil change I decided to get after the first shop, was the fastest errand of the bunch!
My first stop was at a home improvement store. I stood – like a total idiot – staring at aisle after aisle hoping what I had come for would leap out at me. Now, MOST home improvement stores offer over eager staff asking you ‘can I help you find something?’ – I must have been there too early for that shift.
Finally someone did notice my obvious ‘I need help’ body language and promptly directed me to a very close, very large end cap that held the thing I needed.
Crossed that off the list. “Do you have a Lowes card with us?” No I don’t. “Would you like one?” No I wouldn’t – this is the only time of the year I come here. “Oh, shopping for the husband?” Yeah, my invisible one. No – my dad. (Awkward look from the clerk) “Okay, Merry Christmas!”
Next store. I walked around for probably and hour. Finding a million things I would love to have that probably no one would imagine I would love to have. Walking Dead action figures … Big Bang Theory ‘magnetic dress up Sheldon’. Love the store. Anyway, I was making the staff nervous I think. I don’t think I look like a shop lifter? (If there is such a ‘shop lifting look’) but I did look confused and out-of-place. Maybe even bordering on ‘shifty’.
Someone finally got brave enough to approach me “Can I help you find something?” No, I’m waiting for something to find me. “Oh, I completely understand”she said. I think she really did you know. I think she got me.
So I found her again later only to find out the ‘thing’ I wanted was on sale LAST week.
NEXT store – actually, that’s when I got the oil change. They were FAST! I didn’t know you could change oil that fast?!
Now, by the time I reached my next destination I was fading. Looking more like a Walking Dead action figure than a woman.
Found myself trying to think of ways to walk that conveyed to the multitude of Salvation Army bell ringers that I was a good person, I did give to one of them, but that I couldn’t give to all of them. Pfft. Impossible. I guiltily shuffled past them, eyes downcast, feeling like I had stolen the “Merry Christmas” they offered me since I didn’t put anything in their red cauldron.
I’m now exhausted – only 3 more stores to go! I can only imagine what the store personnel were thinking when they made eye contact with me. Eyes glazed, eyebrows knit into the little sad helpless pathetic diagonal position, lids heavy, legs unable to go faster than a slow shuffle. I just stood looking at things with no clue what I was looking at.
I called it done when the headache, from having no morning coffee, threw a penalty flag on my shopping play.
Crawled into a gas station to get a cup of coffee, stood in yet another line waiting to pay for it, while I suckled from it through the little ‘stirry’ straw like a comfort sippy cup.
One minute more out there and someone would have eventually found me wedged between display shelves rocking back and forth, possibly sucking my thumb.
The good news is – after ‘chilling out’ for about 1/2 an hour, finishing that nectar of the Gods through my stirry straw – I found enough energy to do it all over again, at the grocery store.
I’m calling it done now. Done! I’m done. My dried out eyeballs say I’m done, my tingling feet say I’m done. And my bank balance says I’m done.
My son went out with his friend while I was prepping a crock pot with tonight’s dinner – there’s now two new presents under the tree. One says ‘For that lady that lives with me’ the other says ‘A.K.A. mom’.
He even wrapped them.
Oh crap. I have to wrap too huh?
You know, I joke – I half heartedly whine, but I KNOW how blessed I am this year to even BE Christmas shopping. I’m so very, very grateful for the food in my cupboard, the gifts that need wrapping and having people in my life to shop for.
Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad and Merry Christmas shopping to all.
Dear Nicholas,
The end of the world is right around the corner – and when that doesn’t happen, early next year your birthday will officially dub you ‘an adult’. So tecnically, Mayan calendars aside, the end of the world as I know it is drawing to a close.
I miss you already.
No, you’re not going to be booted out at 18, but a chapter will be closed on this amazing story of ours, and a new one in your story begins.
I feel compelled to share with you, and the world, how I feel – before your last magical ‘childhood’ Christmas. There will be more of course, and they’ll be magical, but the teen years are slipping away and so is my undivided time with you.
Let me start with, I am so very glad you were born. I have never for one moment regretted a second that you have been in my life. Raising you alone only served to strengthen our relationship and build a bond that is unbreakable.
As cliché as it sounds, it’s so true. I did not realize I was capable of loving someone as much as I have always loved you. I remember ‘accidentally’ bumping into your crib when you were a baby so that you would wake up and I could hold you – look into your eyes. (That’s why I let you sleep late now lol).
You were my beautiful tow-headed baby boy.
No one has been able to make me laugh the way you do. We still laugh! You are 17 years old and we still laugh together.
Do you realize how blessed that makes me feel? There are kids who don’t even talk to their parents! How lucky am I?
When you are happy, all is right with the world. I am peaceful when you are content.
When you are hurting, I am lost. Wishing I could do more – wishing I could soothe the pain – wishing I could fast forward through your lessons and press play straight into serenity.
The times you’ve said to me, “See, I do listen” after quoting something I’ve said, honestly does surprise me.
Oh Nic, I hope I’ve said the right things!
I hope you’ve heard that it’s never too late to change – to make things right. To always do the right thing, even when it’s not easy. (Especially when it’s not easy!)
I hope you have heard me say not to judge people. But, we do judge, so don’t judge without information. And, if you find someone lacking, I hope your heart wants to reach out and fill the empty spaces.
When someone hurts you, I hope you’ve heard me when I have said it’s because somehow, they are hurting.
Contrary to our joke that I ‘never get mad’, I do. I hope you have heard me apologize. Mend what’s wrong and let go. Mad doesn’t feel good. Okay, maybe for that split pity party second, but not for long.
I hope you find contentment Nicholas. That one day you’ll know what ‘enough’ means and treasure it.
You have such a loving soul – don’t hide it. You already march to the beat of your own drum – I hope one day you dance to it.
You’re smart and creative, funny and kind. You’re the brightest light in my world.
I’m so honored Nic, to even know you. Grateful to have had the opportunity to love you. And blessed beyond measure to get to call myself your ‘mom’.
I’m Nic’s mom! That fact hits me out of the blue from time to time and fills my heart with joy.
And I want you to know, I never for one second ever doubted that you love me back.
Deep thoughts @ ‘too bloody early O’Clock’
SO I was thinking. (Uh-Oh). I’ll begin with why I’m up. My alarm went off, I blatantly ignored it with a thump to the snooze button, then actually acknowledged the 2nd set of beeps.
PANIC! Oh crap! It’s 6:33! I’ve got to wake Nic up! Get his breakfast! Get him out of the door in 7 minutes to make the bus! Okay, if I hurry, I can get ready for work and drive him to school … (yes, he’s 17, get off me, I like our routine, besides, he sleeps like a log and doesn’t hear his alarm).
Oh. That’s right. It’s Saturday. And he’s not even here.
Ta-da. I’m up.
I’m not one of those ‘go back to sleep’ types. Dammit. So I’m up.
Back to thinking.
I have a book someone loaned me called ‘The Big Book of If’s’. Thought it would be fun to post one a day on my Facebook page and see what people had to say.
This morning was ‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’
Yesterdays was ‘If you could change one thing about your mother’s life, what would it be?’
Now – I recall every birthday as a girl, blowing out the candles, squeezing my eyes tight and (oh so originally) wishing for a pony. Actually, I wished for a horse.
Never got one – did go on to become quite a good rider in both English and Western. But I digress.
What if *poof* there was suddenly a horse in the garden?
When we’re little, we don’t think about the fact that the horse might actually need things. Like, oh say, food. Room to roam, medical care, new shoes, accessories, baths, being picked up after, etc. etc.
Had a similar thought when the Power Ball lottery here was up to half a billion dollars. No, not that I would buy a pony, but about our initial gut response to what we would want, or want to do without considering the side effects.
If you’re not a greedy, self-centered bastard, which describes no one I know thank goodness – one repeated answer to ‘what would you do if you won the lottery’ is usually ‘I would give a lot of it away, help people’.
Very noble. Very kind. Very. However, (and this is how my mind works) what about the butterfly effect?!
What if you help (with all good intentions) someone out of their tough situation and they were supposed to be going through it?
I can vouch for the fact that when things were really the darkest, I came out of it stronger, more self-aware, more spiritual and a hell of a lot more grateful.
I’d have to carefully assess someone’s entire situation before giving them the ‘gift’ of money. Money doesn’t make everything okay.
Are they working? Are they trying? Are they making the best of things?
Bailing someone out is a lot different from helping someone up. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be giving money away left and right, because I totally would – I’d just have to take time to know if it was the right thing to do in each situation.
OK. Onto the ‘If’.
Thought long and hard about the mother question. In some selfish way, I considered a lot of changes I could have wished for her, but then I probably wouldn’t have been born. We can’t have that! Good grief.
Even if I wished she knew her value – that could have deleted me right out of the picture. If she knew her value at a younger age, she may never have slept with my dad! She might have remained celibate for crying out loud.
Remember the monkeys paw people!! (What is it with the critters? Butterfly effect, Monkeys paw)
So my answer ended up being ‘that she had her dad longer’. He passed too soon. And she has regrets that she didn’t get to say good-bye and they weren’t speaking at the time. But, then again, who’s to say that didn’t teach her to be sure to tell everyone from that point forward that she loves them while they’re here?
This is my point. Everything has a ripple effect. We may not see it. We may not understand it. We may not like it. But it’s true.
If I hadn’t lived my ‘Debauchery’ bits, well, first, this blog would be called something else. Secondly, there would be no Nic.
Reminds me of that song by FUN – the last part:
“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call “love”
When I look into my nephew’s eyes…
Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from…
Some terrible {lies|nights}…ahhh…”
So we have to be careful what we wish for. And as for today’s ‘if’. Could wish the miracle would be ‘no war’. ‘No sickness’. But – if there werent’ sickness or disease, how soon until the Earth just spiraled right out of orbit with the intense weight of the mega-population? We procreate faster than we die these days you know. (I have absolutely no facts to support that, and I’m not going to look it up either).
I shall answer today’s ‘if’ this way.
‘If you could have God perform one miracle today, what would it be?’
I would ask that he fill everyone with compassion. (That or Serenity, I can NEVER just pick one thing!)
And then I would hope that one of the compassionate people would come by and give me a pony!
Debauchery Soup 